


Headwind

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Did I mention angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance, i can't deny that, i've been told this is really frustrating to read, kaisoo is oblivious and dumb, the chapters are too long, there's too much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 88,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When his friends organize a reunion trip to the mountains during winter break, Kyungsoo is forced to come face to face with the person he’s never really managed to forget about.





	1. Chapter 1

 

  _ **\- x -**_

 

 

 

„A reunion trip?“ 

Kyungsoo is sitting in his office, sorting out the endless invoices that his boss has stacked on his desk that need to be paid and booked by the end of the month. 

„Well, it isn’t really a trip.“ Chanyeol speaks from the other end. „Junmyeon suggested it, since we haven’t been together for a while. Like, you know, all of us together.“ 

Kyungsoo highlights some numbers while he’s listening to Chanyeol, his phone on speaker. He was lucky enough to finally get his own office; even if it’s only big enough for a creaking desk and an ugly plant to fit in. He’s not complaining; not after working in that stuffy cubicle next to all the other worn out faces of his co-worker for nearly two years. 

„Why do I find that hard to believe?“ Kyungsoo snorts a bit. 

„Which part?“ 

„Well, isn’t Junmyeon too busy preparing to take over his dad’s business and stuff?“ He scrunches up his face at the amount of money printed on the telephone bills for his boss. It’s always Kyungsoo who has to face the annoyed look on the man’s face when he drops off the monthly invoices on his desk; as if he’s the one asking for a ridiculous amount of money from him. „I can’t remember the last time he went out with us.“ 

„I know, I know.“ Chanyeol sighs. „I was surprised too.“ Kyungsoo can hear him chat to someone else for a moment, knows that Chanyeol’s at work at his café at the moment. „But I guess that’s the reason why. He wants to spend some time with us before, you know. His life officially ends.“ 

Kyungsoo snorts. „Alright. I’ll bite. Where are we going then?“

„Do you remember his family’s house up in the mountains we went to back in college?“ Chanyeol asks and Kyungsoo hums after a moment. 

„Yeah. Somewhere in Pyeongchang, right?“ 

„Yup. His dad’s given him the key for a few days. Well, a week to be exact.“ Chanyeol makes a surprised sound and then shouts something that sounds like a curse. Kyungsoo pulls a pained face when he can hear a nervous apology coming from a girl. „I swear, this girl’s driving me crazy! How can someone be so damn clumsy?!“ 

„Who?“ 

„Miyeong! She dropped a pile of porcelain plates just yesterday and now she broke a vase- Ugh, fuck this. I want to burn this café down.“ Chanyeol whines some more and Kyungsoo sighs at his friend’s antics. 

„You done being dramatic?“

„I’m a business owner; I have every right to be dramatic, thank you.“

„You own a café big enough to fit like, three tables in.“

„Fuck you.“

„Can I hang up?“

„No!“ Chanyeol groans. „Look, you up for it or what?“ 

Kyungsoo scribbles some dates down on his papers and then clicks his pen for a while, already thinking about how hard it’ll be to get some days off, especially with Christmas only a few weeks ahead.

But then again, he can’t remember the last time he had a day off. He’s been working for this company for almost three years now, putting up with a crappy salary with no raise or promotion in sight and sometimes doing stupid copying jobs for days because his boss doesn’t seem to have heard of something called _interns_. 

He’s only had three proper holidays so far. He could probably sue his boss if he wanted but he needs him to survive so that’s not an option he ever considered. 

„Who’s coming?“ He wants to know. 

„Well. Everyone? I called them all this morning.“ Chanyeol replies excitedly.

„Who is all?“

„Ugh, Kyungsoo you’re still so fucking complicated! I’m talking about me, you, Junmyeon, Baekhyun, Minseok, Yixing, Jongdae, Sehun and Jo-“

Chanyeol stops talking there and Kyungsoo doesn’t quite understand why at first. He frowns to himself.

„You still there?“ He asks, snorting a little when Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.

„Uhm.“ Chanyeol clears his throat. „I forgot to tell you.“

„Forgot to tell me what?“ Kyungsoo sighs, going back to marking the numbers on his papers.

„He’s coming too.“

Kyungsoo stops what he’s doing for a moment, his stomach dropping a bit. 

How could he be so dumb? Chanyeol _did_ say all of them. 

„Who?“ He wants to know - just to make sure - even if he already knows the answer. 

Chanyeol groans first and then sighs. „Jongin. He’s… He’s back.“ 

Kyungsoo stays silent after that. „I didn’t know that.“ His voice betrays him and he knows Chanyeol hears it too.

„I'm sorry Soo. We wanted to tell you sooner but we just.. didn't know how you'd react."

„When did he-" Kyungsoo gulps, curses himself for acting like this. It's been such a long time and here he is, letting that fucking wound get ripped open once again after he's tried so hard to take care of it, to make sure it healed properly and would not open up again. Like right now. „When did he get back?"

Chanyeol's silent for a moment. „A week ago. I haven’t seen him yet. But Sehun said he’s back for good. I… think he's going to stay this time."

He's going to stay.

He's going to walk back into their lives. Into Kyungsoo's life.

Kyungsoo exhales heavily, suddenly feeling dead tired. He hears Chanyeol talking to him but his mind is already going back to six years earlier; a place he stopped going to when memories started to hurt a little too much and stopped him from moving on with his life after everything that happened between him and Jongin more than two years ago.

 

They all met back in first year at college. 

Kyungsoo can’t quite remember how such a big group of guys with different interests and weird characters ended up turning into this inseparable group of friends they still are today, even if not as close anymore since adulthood doesn’t allow it otherwise.

They somehow turned into some kind of a replacement for their families, since all of them were so far away from home. 

Kyungsoo has been keeping in touch with all of them ever since they left college two years ago. 

Well, all of them; except for one person. The one person he used to know like the back of his hand. 

Because Kyungsoo remembers exactly how he met Jongin. 

Remembers slipping on a patch of ice outside on campus, remembers his flash cards flying everywhere and remembers some douchebags laughing their asses off when he almost hit the ground as well. 

He also remembers two of them telling them to stop laughing despite wearing amused grins of their own before they walked towards him to help him collect his stuff. 

 

 

 

_**\- x -** _

 

„You better be careful.“ One of them said; the one with nearly yellow hair and a smile that was so huge it walls almost a bit creepy. 

Kyungsoo was about to say thank you when the other boy held out his flash cards for him, a shy little smile on his face. His cheeks were red from the cold and his brown locks a bit messed up from the freezing air around them. 

Kyungsoo’s heart did a stupid, excited little jump in his chest when their eyes met. 

„Thank you.“ He said, reaching for the cards and trying not to let the touch of their fingers linger since the boy’s skin felt so warm against his own. 

„I don’t think we know each other. I’m Lee Taemin, majoring in dancing. Who are you?“ The first one with the lemon hair asked. 

„Do Kyungsoo. Business Administration.“ He quickly replied, reaching out with his free hand to shake hands. 

„And this fella here is my little friend Jongin. You probably heard lots about him around here.“ Taemin chuckled with a wink while bringing the mentioned boy into a head lock.

Kyungsoo focused back on Jongin and tried not to smile when he saw the boy blushing at Taemin’s words while he pushed the boy away from him, grumbling to himself. Kyungsoo shook his head when their eyes met. „Sorry. Can’t say I have.“ 

„I’m Kim Jongin, also majoring in dancing.“ The boy said. He reached his hand out for a hand shake as well and when Kyungsoo pressed their palms together Jongin - for some unknown reason - started to smile, and Kyungsoo naturally smiled back and that right there, was where the start of Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo’s famous friendship took place. 

 

 

Kyungsoo was an easy going person, sometimes a bit easily set off but otherwise very laid back. He got along with everyone generally but he wasn’t one to have many friends, or many _close_ friends to say the least. At least that’s how it was during High School. He never got too close because he was a bit awkward and did sometimes scare people off without really meaning to.

But then he met Jongin, and suddenly all of that did not apply anymore.

Because with Jongin it was almost natural, how well they understood each other. How easily they fell into their friendship. How it never got awkward despite both of them being a little clumsy and maybe a bit dense.

How they didn’t even need to speak sometimes in order to understand what the other was thinking. 

How they could talk all night about stupid things without it getting boring or weird. 

How Jongin would light up like the sun every time he saw Kyungsoo and how in return, something in Kyungsoo’s chest would flutter weirdly. Different from how it should, really, because they were best friends and nothing more. 

The others teased them since Jongin was like a toddler; always seeking for comfort and touches and cuddles and he knew he’d always get them from Kyungsoo so they were more often then not seen huddled together in the library, with Kyungsoo reading his books and Jongin dozing off on his shoulder.

And it was weird; because everyone knew Jongin, everyone wanted a piece of him, girls and boys. 

But Jongin was so shy and awkward; he was oblivious to all of it and even if he did notice - because Kyungsoo liked to tease him about it - he shrugged it off and went back to curling his body into Kyungsoo’s like it was more important than the subtle smiles and winks sent his way when he walked down the hallway with Kyungsoo at his side. 

No one really knew Kyungsoo; he was just the weird dude Jongin always hung out with but he was fine with that. He didn’t like being in the spotlight and Jongin deserved the attention he got. Kyungsoo had the rest of his friends and he had Jongin too, for some reason he couldn’t quite understand. But he was thankful because he liked Jongin a lot; more than he would’ve ever thought when they first met back then.

Sometimes, during those rare moments where they would all come together in one of their stuffy dorms and try to somehow fit in on the floor, the couch and the beds to watch movies together, Jongin would curl up against him as per usual. Jongin always sat with him; never with someone else. 

And Kyungsoo in return would curl his arm around Jongin’s shoulder tightly.

Their friends used to tease them about their constant touches and smiles at the beginning but they grew used to it after a few months and instead started giving them weird looks when they _didn’t_ touch or weren’t glued to each other. It was just Jongin and Kyungsoo because where Kyungsoo went, Jongin automatically followed.

 

 

One night when they were watching Love Actually even if it was April and nowhere near Christmas, Jongin was sitting between his legs, his back leaned against Kyungsoo’s front comfortably with Kyungsoo’s arms wrapped around Jongin’s stomach; his chin hooked over Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin was playing with their hands, humming softly along to a song that was playing during a scene and Kyungsoo smiled fondly at the sound.

At one part Jongin turned his head; no one but Kyungsoo noticed. But he turned his head, and nuzzled against Kyungsoo’s neck sleepily.

And really, it wasn’t anything new or something that should’ve surprised Kyungsoo; Jongin always did that, even with their other friends. He was just a naturally touchy person and everyone knew that. Most of the time Kyungsoo just pushed him away because he was way too clingy but that night when he felt Jongin so close to him, he felt his heart do something weird in his chest; just like it did when he first met Jongin a year ago. 

Because suddenly, he thought he wouldn’t mind kissing Jongin, right now, right there. 

And fuck, if that wasn’t so wrong to think. 

 

 

 

That night Kyungsoo couldn’t really sleep. All he could think about was Jongin and their friendship. All he could think about was Jongin’s laugh, and his cute habits, and the way his eyes disappeared when he was genuinely happy. 

Their friendship wasn’t normal, was it? No boys their age acted the way they did with their best friends.

And he thought; _holy shit this can’t be happening_. He can’t _have feelings_ for Jongin. Feelings that went way beyond the usual love and affection people were supposed to have for their friends.

After coming to that realization and freaking out about it for the entire night Kyungsoo started denying his feelings. He decided to ignore them; act like they weren’t there.

He pushed it back, back, back until he almost forgot about it. He pushed it back until their last year of college.

Anytime his stomach did a flip when Jongin smiled at him, or his jaw dropped when he watched Jongin dance, or his heart skipped a beat when Jongin hugged him close; he’d just ignore it and push it back. 

And it worked. It worked perfectly fine. He didn’t need anything else from Jongin. He really just needed the boy to be his friend; needed Jongin to be with him, safe and happy.

That was all, and that - for once - was not a lie.

 

 

„Hey hyung.“ Jongin whispered one night, at the end of their second year in college when he was once again in Kyungsoo’s dorm, sleeping in Kyungsoo’s bed and not where he actually should be; in his shared dorm with Sehun.

„What?“ Kyungsoo mumbled back sleepily, curling his arm a bit tighter around Jongin to pull his lean body a bit closer. He smiled when he felt Jongin snuggle into him.

„You’re never going to leave me, right?“ Jongin asked quietly. „We’re always going to be best friends, right?“ 

Kyungsoo frowned, despite his eyes being closed. „Where’s that coming from?“ It shouldn’t surprise him, really. Jongin always came up with the weirdest questions when you would least expect it.

Jongin shrugged and huffed out a breath against his neck. „Dunno. I’m just scared of losing you.“ 

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo hummed and turned his head, burying his face into Jongin’s hair. „You won’t lose me. I’d never leave you.“ 

„You’re just saying that so I’ll shut up.“ Jongin mumbled and if Kyungsoo wouldn’t have been so tried, he might’ve noticed the little tremor in his voice, how serious Jongin sounded for some reason he wouldn’t have understood back then.

Kyungsoo sighed and planted a kiss on Jongin’s forehead, ignoring the way his heart clenched painfully in his chest. „I promise, okay? You idiot.“ 

Jongin laughed and buried his face in Kyungsoo’s shoulder, wrapping a leg around Kyungsoo’s waist too. „Love you, hyung.“ 

„Love you too.“ Kyungsoo mumbled back, swallowing around the stupid lump in his throat because while those words were so innocent coming from Jongin, for Kyungsoo they held so much more meaning and Jongin would never know.

He couldn’t ever know.

 

 

„Hey Jongin!" They were sitting in the library once again when Sehun came rushing in. He made an embarrassed face when the girl on the other end of the table glared at his outburst and he lowered his voice a little. „Hey Kyungsoo hyung." 

„Hey Sehun." Kyungsoo smiled up at him before returning to his notes he was trying to work over.

„What’s up?“ Jongin asked when Sehun sat down on the empty chair beside him.

„Guess who just walked up to me in English.“ Sehun was grinning like an idiot and Kyungsoo snorted softly at the stupid look on his face.

„Who?“ Jongin wanted to know. He was leaning against Kyungsoo’s shoulder with his back, sitting sideways on his chair to be able to do so. 

„Sujeong!“ He exclaimed in an excited whisper, eyes wide. „Jeong fucking Sujeong!"

Jongin hummed, nodding his head. „Okay. What did she want?“ 

Sehun smirked. „Someone’s interested in your current dating situation.“ 

Kyungsoo tried not to freeze at that but it was hard. This wasn’t something he wanted to be hearing at all.

„And she might’ve also asked me for your number.“ Sehun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

„Oh.“ Jongin mumbled and Kyungsoo desperately tried to focus on his notes but it was hard. God, this was so cruel but maybe Kyungsoo was also just stupid for falling in love with his best friend. Things like this happened often as well; he was used to it. But like Sehun said; this was Jeong Sujeong. 

She was only the most beautiful girl on their college. Kyungsoo wasn’t about to deny that when it was the truth. Not only that but she was also smart and really sweet. 

Practically perfect for someone like Jongin.

„What the fuck. Oh?“ Sehun smacked Jongin’s arm which made Jongin curse and lean back into Kyungsoo who in return automatically brought and arm up and around Jongin’s chest to shield him from further attacks. „That's all you're going to say? Dude! She’s only the hottest girl on the entire campus! You’re going to ask her out, right?“ 

Jongin shrugged and his hand covered Kyungsoo’s from where it was curled over his chest protectively. Kyungsoo was still reading through his notes, not looking up, even if his stupid ears were focused on their conversation. „I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. You know, with finals coming up and all…“ 

Sehun groaned. „Who’s talking about relationships? Dude… You need to get laid and she’s offering herself! Why are you like this?“ 

Jongin chuckled, low and cute and the way his torso shook felt really nice against Kyungsoo. „Why don’t _you_ ask her out if you’re so into her?“

„Because she’s got her eyes on _you_. I don’t fucking get why, though.“ Sehun pouted slightly and kept watching Jongin incredulously. 

Jongin sighed, bringing Kyungsoo’s hand up to play with his fingers before he started brushing his lips over Kyungsoo’s knuckles; almost like a kiss. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile like an idiot from where he was hidden behind Jongin’s back. „I’m not interested. Sorry.“ 

Sehun looked at him weirdly and shook his head at the way they were once again glued to each other; especially when Jongin turned his head to smirk when he saw how Kyungsoo was smiling, maybe even blushing a bit. „You guys are like an old married couple. How are you not sick of each other yet?“ 

Jongin shrugged before turning his focus back on his school books. „He’s my favorite person, that’s why.“ 

 

 

 

Maybe he underestimated just how much he cared about Jongin.

Because one night, they were in Sehun’s and Jongin’s dorm, watching crappy horror movies while it was storming outside. 

Kyungsoo was sitting on his own for once since Jongin liked to practice until it got very late at the studio; it was safe to say he didn’t enjoy movie nights without Jongin next to him. It didn’t feel right and Kyungsoo just felt out of place without Jongin’s presence beside him. 

Halfway into their second movie Kyungsoo checked his phone and frowned a bit when he saw that it was already well after eleven and Jongin still wasn’t back. Then his eyes flickered over to the window where the rain was splattering against the glass heavily and he saw lightning brightening up the night in flashes. 

He tried not to worry; he really did. Jongin always forgot about the time when he was dancing. 

But Jongin also was scared of storms. 

He sent the boy a message just to ask him if he was okay and when exactly he planned on coming home.

He tried to focus back on the movie after that despite the uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach, checking his phone every minute for a message or something but nothing came.

It was when the clock nearly showed midnight and the storm only seemed to get worse when he couldn’t quite sit still anymore. 

„Sehun?“ He whispered to his right where Sehun was sitting, hiding behind his pillow since the younger didn’t like horror movies. 

„What?“ The boy whispered back. 

„Did Jongin say when he was going to get back?“ Kyungsoo asked, trying to hide just how worried he was. 

Sehun shrugged. „He usually comes back around eleven. Don’t worry it’s only-“ He stopped talking once he looked at his phone, noticing that it was already midnight. „Oh. He must be staying longer tonight. Don’t worry hyung. He’ll be back any minute.“ 

Kyungsoo nodded, still not feeling convinced. He hated feeling like this but Jongin always did this to him. Why couldn’t he just answer and say that he was okay? It wasn’t too much to ask for, was it?

It was half an hour later when there was still no message from Jongin that Kyungsoo decided to go over to the studio. 

„Where are you going?“ Sehun asked. 

„It’s already half past midnight and he’s not picking up his phone.“ Kyungsoo huffed, not able to keep the irritation out of his voice.

The movie came to an end and everyone watched Kyungsoo’s little mental breakdown. 

„Wha’s going on?“ Baekhyun asked, standing up to stretch. 

„Kyungsoo hyung is just worried about Jongin.“ Sehun explained. 

„Why? What time is it?“ Jongdae wanted to know and Kyungsoo hated how his eyes widened when he checked the time on his phone. Jongdae looked up and saw the worried look on Kyungsoo’s face. „Soo, there’s no need to worry. He’s not a kid.“

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but glare at him. He knew that Jongin wasn’t a kid and that he was overreacting for a normal friend. Except that he wasn’t just a normal friend. He wondered if they would be more understanding if they knew just how much Jongin meant to him. 

„I know. It’s just. He doesn’t like storms and it’s really bad out there…“ He tried to make them understand as he caught the worried look crossing Junmyeon’s eyes now. 

„Have you called him?“ Junmyeon asked. 

„He’s not picking up. He hasn’t read my messaged either.“ 

„Kyungsoo, let’s just wait a little longer. No need to freak out, okay? I’m sure he’ll be back any minute.“ Baekhyun tried and Yixing made Kyungsoo sit back down. But he didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to go look for Jongin and scold him for not picking up his phone and staying out so late without telling them anything. 

His friends started to chat about the movie and they even fought about it, some of them saying that it was horrible whereas the others liked it and they argued about who was right and who was wrong but Kyungsoo wasn’t listening. He acted like he was; just to hide the fact that he was losing his mind with every passing second.

When the clock showed one a.m Kyungsoo shot Junmyeon a pleading look. 

„Try calling him again.“ Junmyeon said and Kyungsoo did but Jongin didn’t pick up; it just went straight to voice mail. 

„Why is he such an idiot?“ Chanyeol huffed. „He knows how worried Kyungsoo gets when he pulls this shit.“

„Yeah but it _is_ really bad out there right now.“ Yixing mumbled worriedly from where he was standing by the window. 

„Yixing.“ Minseok sighed. „You’re not helping.“ 

„Sorry Soo.“ Yixing smiled apologetically at him and Kyungsoo just sighed, trying to calm his heart down.

„Do you think we should go look for him?“ Sehun asked and the worry in his voice made everything worse. Sehun wasn’t one to worry about things like this, or at least he didn’t show it. Kyungsoo liked to think that it was only him overreacting since he just.. liked Jongin so much but now the others started to worry too he started to feel slightly sick. 

„Are the busses even driving anymore this late?“ Chanyeol asked. „It’s a Tuesday night after all.“ 

How the hell is Jongin supposed to come when the busses aren’t driving?

Kyungsoo was sitting on the floor, hands curled into fists and trying to stop his leg from shaking. He just wanted Jongin to be here. He was starting to get really scared. 

„We could walk there. I mean it’s only about twenty minutes away right?“ Chanyeol then suggested. 

„Yeah, by _car._ “ Sehun huffed.

„I’m going.“ Kyungsoo stood up and was about to walk to the door when it suddenly - _finally_ \- opened to reveal the person that was causing such a scene.

Jongin was drenched from head to toe and shivering like mad when he closed the door behind himself.

„Hey.“ He mumbled, his sports bag dropping to the ground. He gave them a confused look when he noticed everyone staring at him. „Why are you all still here?“

There was a collective sigh of relief but Kyungsoo just shook his head before he stepped closer and tugged Jongin closer. 

He hugged him tightly and hated how Jongin was shivering in his arms. 

„Hyung?“ He sounded worried. „You shouldn’t hug me. I’m all wet.“ Jongin mumbled against his neck. 

Kyungsoo pulled back a bit. „Are you okay?" He asked, heart still beating a little too fast for it to be normal.

Jongin nodded and he looked a little confused, as if he couldn't understand why Kyungsoo was overreacting so much. „I’m fine." He tried to look into Kyungsoo's eyes to get the message across.

Kyungsoo let go of him and hated how his eyes were stinging. He was a fucking idiot. Why was he so worked up over this? „Come on.“ He whispered, gripping Jongin’s arm and leading him into the bathroom. 

He ignored how his friends were looking at him. It was scary because some of them looked like they _knew;_ like they knew about Kyungsoo’s secret and he refused to think about it. 

He turned the bathroom light on and closed the door before he started tugging off Jongin’s clothes. 

„I forgot my umbrella.“ Jongin stuttered and lifted his arms so Kyungsoo could pull his jumper off. „And the busses weren’t driving anymore.“ 

„Idiot.“ Kyungsoo muttered, hoping that Jongin couldn’t hear how his voice was shaking too. 

Jongin’s skin was glistening from the water that had soaked through his clothes and his skin was cold to the touch. „Jongin, you’re freezing!“ Kyungsoo scolded him.

„Hyung.“ Jongin mumbled and he sounded a bit guilty. „I’m okay.“ 

„You’re going to get sick.“ Kyungsoo stood up again and turned around to turn the shower on; warm and nice so Jongin could warm up as quickly as possible. „Why didn’t you pick up your phone?“

„My battery run out.“ Jongin said. „I’m sorry. Were you worried about me?“ 

Kyungsoo gulped, still turned away from Jongin. 

Like he said; he hadn’t really realized just how much he cared about Jongin. He couldn’t even imagine what he would do if something happened to Jongin; if he wouldn’t have Jongin anymore. He didn’t want to think about it; it was so fucking scary because Jongin always was with him, _always_. Jongin was a part of his life just as much as oxygen was and it might’ve sounded dramatic but to be honest, it was nothing but the truth. 

The way he felt tonight, lost and slightly incomplete without Jongin by his side, just was proof of that.

„You don’t like storms. I thought you might be scared, that’s all.“ Kyungsoo said, reaching his hand out so he could test the temperature of the water. It was weird, how his body was reacting to all of this. It wasn’t the first time Jongin pulled a stunt like this; he’d done so many times before, sometimes not even coming back at all and falling asleep in the studio only to have Sehun calling Kyungsoo in the middle of the night and Kyungsoo rushing over to see where the boy was. „You could get pneumonia, you know that, right? That means no dancing for a few weeks.”

He was rambling now but he didn’t care. Jongin had to stop being so careless, had to stop giving Kyungsoo heart attacks whenever he did something stupid.

„Hyung.” Jongin said softly, his fingers circling around Kyungsoo’s wrist to turn him around. Jongin was naked apart from his boxers but Kyungsoo didn’t even care. He already looked a little sick and Kyungsoo just wanted him to feel better. „You’re overreacting a bit… I’m okay. It’s just a little rain.”

„It’s minus degrees outside Jongin. Don’t give me that.” Kyungsoo frowned up at him but Jongin only tugged him closer to his ice cold body, his lean arms wrapping around Kyungsoo’s waist while he leaned down to nuzzle his neck.

„I’m still alive.“

„This isn’t funny.” Kyungsoo sighed but buried his face in Jongin’s shoulder nonetheless. He brought his hands up to rub his palms over Jongin’s clammy skin, felt the boy shiver against him and snuggle even closer.

„You need to stop worrying so much about me.” Jongin whispered into his ear. „Don’t do that to yourself.”

„Can’t help it.” Kyungsoo huffed. Jongin was nosing along his neck and his arms tightened around Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo’s breath hitched because suddenly the air around them seemed to shift, got heavier and Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows when he felt Jongin’s lips brush over the sensitive skin on his neck.

„I really didn’t mean to make you worry.“ Jongin whispered and pressed a kiss to the side of Kyungsoo's throat, one that made Kyungsoo's eyelids flutter closed from the feeling it shot to his heart.

„It’s okay.“ Kyungsoo said, blinking from how dizzy he suddenly felt while Jongin looked at him so intensely. „My fault for freaking out.“

„Nah; my fault for being a bad friend.“ Jongin mumbled and Kyungsoo shuddered a little at the vibrations of Jongin’s voice against his neck. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for them to be touching like this but it felt different tonight; too intimate. At least for Kyungsoo. Jongin probably didn't notice anything (as always); oblivious to everything he was doing to Kyungsoo.

Jongin smiled and his lips still were trembling a bit and Kyungsoo quickly pushed the thought of kissing them to warm him up to the far back of his mind. 

„But I kind of like this.“ Jongin mumbled.

„What?“ 

„Knowing that someone is waiting for me back home.“ Jongin whispered and smiled brighter when Kyungsoo failed to hide his blush. „It’s a nice feeling.“ 

„Okay.“ Kyungsoo whispered, not knowing what else to say. „Get in the shower." 

„Are you coming too?“

„I already took a shower." Kyungsoo replied hastily and watched how Jongin's pretty lips formed an irresistible pout. Kyungsoo liked to think that over the years he had gotten immune to it but... well, not really.

„Okay. but will you sleep with me at least?" Jongin asked, shivering when Kyungsoo rubbed his arms to help him warm up faster. He looked a little hesitant and winced when the sound of thunder broke the noise of water running inside the bathroom. 

Kyungsoo smiled, his features softening at his question, and brought a hand up to rub Jongin’s cold cheek. „Sure.“ 

Jongin turned his head to kiss Kyungsoo’s wrist. „Thank you.“ 

 

Jongin clung to him a little more than he usually did that night but Kyungsoo was okay with it. He knew how scared Jongin was of thunderstorms. He even agreed to singing into Jongin’s ear softly to push the sounds of the thunder into the background, humming soft sounds until Jongin went limp in his arms and his breathing evened out. 

He agreed to a lot when it came to Jongin, gave in too easily, was too selfless when it was concerning Jongin. 

The same applied to losing his heart, he had never consciously agreed to it, but it had happened. And when he looked into Jongin’s sleeping face he thought that he wasn’t ever going to get it back.

 

 

Things were like that for a while. Jongin was as clingy as ever and Kyungsoo felt like was slowly running out of sanity because every time Jongin cuddled up next to him and looked at him in a certain way a part of him nearly crumbled inside from how much he _wanted_. 

He did a great job at hiding it. It wasn’t so hard because every time he slipped, like when he’d reach out to stroke Jongin’s cheek in a moment of weakness, no one would really notice because it was just Jongin and Kyungsoo. 

It was fine… really. Kyungsoo was determined to keep his stupid, irresponsible feelings locked away for the sake of their friendship. He didn’t care if he couldn’t kiss Jongin or tell him all the things he wanted him to know because everything was better than not having Jongin at all.

Because that’s what would happen if Jongin ever found out about his feelings. 

 

 

 

One night though (when they were at Taemin’s apartment, drinking cheap beer and vodka that was way too sweet and sticky) he slipped a bit too much. 

They were all drunk; there was weird indie music blasting in the background and Taemin kept promising that the band was popular in America. They were sitting on the floor, some of them out on the balcony smoking, some of them talking, some dozing off, some doing body shots (Baekhyun and Minho). 

Jongin was sitting on Kyungsoo’s lap, with Kyungsoo leaned back against the couch, his head resting there with his eyes closed. But Jongin didn’t want him to sleep, he kept nuzzling against his neck and throat, his fingers playing with the hem of Kyungsoo’s shirt. They had a few drinks too much. Way too much.

Kyungsoo felt too warm, dizzy from the alcohol and from Jongin in his lap like this, touching him, making him feel things that were wrong, so _wrong_ but felt so right with liquid courage buzzing in his veins.

„Hyung..“ Jongin whispered against his skin. Kyungsoo tried not to shudder when he felt a pair of lips press against his Adam’s apple. 

_He’s drunk._ His mind repeated words like a mantra until Kyungsoo believed it. „Stop ignoring me.“ The boy whispered into his ear huskily and Kyungsoo shuddered at the vibrations of his voice gliding over his skin.

Kyungsoo leaned his head back up and blinked his eyes open, taking in Jongin’s own hooded ones, the way his lips were glistening as if he’d licked them a moment ago. Fuck… he looked so good. He always did. „I’m not.“ Kyungsoo croaked weakly. 

But Jongin shook his head and he shifted in Kyungsoo’s lap, pressing closer with nimble fingers that suddenly dipped underneath his shirt to press against Kyungsoo’s skin on his lower abdomen. „You are.“ Jongin whispered, face too close, breath smelling of the red vodka he had earlier. 

Kyungsoo was drunk, otherwise he would’ve questioned all of this, why Jongin was looking at him like this, but Jongin was drunk too and nothing really made sense. Kyungsoo closed his eyes when Jongin pressed even closer, lips brushing against Kyungsoo’s jaw while their crotches pressed together too. His head rolled back at the feeling while his hands tried to push away at Jongin’s hips that were starting to shift against his own dangerously. Kyungsoo was getting worked up, his dick twitched in his pants and Jongin needed to stop _right now._

„Stop…“ He sighed, tired and aroused and confused. 

„Make me.“ Jongin whispered back, his tongue tracing the contours of his neck and he felt the boy grind down on him when a faint moan slipped through his lips.

„Whoa“ Jongdae suddenly hollered. „Jongin, fuck, stop molesting Kyungsoo for god’s sake.“

And it was the first time in a long while one of their friends made a remark about their constant touches. And Kyungsoo was so, so thankful because finally, Jongin drew back, giving Kyungsoo enough room to realize what the fuck was happening.

„I need to pee.“ Jongin mumbled and climbed off of Kyungsoo’s lap, walking away on wobbly legs before he disappeared behind the corner.

Kyungsoo was panicking slightly but he was also half hard and he really just wanted to go take a cold shower and maybe cry a little because no matter how much he loved Jongin, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could take this kind of torture. 

„You two really need to stop pretending like there’s not sexual tension between you. It’s getting weird for us too.“ Taemin snorted from where he was sitting on his bed, taking another gulp from his beer. 

„Yeah, the fuck was that?“ Jongdae asked. „Why aren’t you just screwing each other? It’s been almost three years and you’re still dancing around each other like fucking idiots.“ 

Kyungsoo groaned and rubbed at his eyes. „It’s not like that. Were just friends.“

Everyone around him laughed. „Yeah, and Chanyeol’s dick is bigger than mine.“ Baekhyun snorted, rolling his eyes. 

„Hey!“ Chanyeol threw a pillow at him but he was so drunk, the thing hit the beer bottle on the table instead and the glass shattered on the floor. 

„Seriously Kyungsoo. Everyone knows you guys like each other; what the fuck are you waiting for?“ Taemin asked and Kyungsoo suddenly felt really, really tired and so fucking sad. 

„It’s not like that.“ He croaked, repeating himself again. He brought a hand up to his chest, trying to ease some of the tension there away. „Jongin doesn’t… he doesn’t feel that way.“

It was silent for a moment around him before Junmyeon spoke up too. „But you do?“ 

Kyungsoo looked up, head spinning for a moment and found that everyone was staring at him. His lips opened up around the words before his drunk mind could think about their aftermath. „Of course I do.“ He huffed, a sad smile forming on his face.

His friends remained silent; no one made a stupid comment about it, or teased him. 

When Jongin came back, he didn’t sit on Kyungsoo’s lap but decided to rest his head on it instead. Kyungsoo’s mind was still wrapped around the words he’d just said out loud when Jongin reached up to tug on Kyungsoo’s wrist, bringing it down to his hair and making a soft noise that was supposed to tell Kyungsoo to pet him. 

He knew by the sounds Jongin made what the boy wanted. How was that not concerning? How had he never been worried about him being in way to deep in all this Jongin and Kyungsoo mess?

„I’m tired.“ Jongin mumbled quietly and sighed when Kyungsoo rubbed the pads of his fingers over Jongin’s scalp. 

„Want me to take you back?“ Kyungsoo asked, holding down a drunk hiccup that threatened to come out. His vision was a bit too blurry and he hated himself already for not stopping after his fifth beer. He was going to have the worst hangover tomorrow. 

Jongin nodded and Kyungsoo patted his shoulder so he would get up. He helped Jongin to his feet only to have him sway dangerously, hands reaching out to steady himself on Kyungsoo’s hips. He leaned in again, hiding his face against Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo felt himself get a little sweaty because his drunk mind didn’t quite understand that this was his best friend and not some random dude feeling him up. 

„Hey, don’t fall asleep.“ Kyungsoo tried to push him away but Jongin wouldn’t have it, only snuggled closer with a soft sound. 

„You smell so nice.“ Jongin huffed against him. „Never met someone who smells so nice.“

„Well, good luck with him.“ Taemin snorted and Kyungsoo sighed, trying to guide the still clinging Jongin to the door. He didn’t miss the concerned looks he was getting from Jongdae and Junmyeon but he hoped his grimace of a smile was convincing enough that this was okay. That he could handle it.

That he didn’t want to lean down and kiss Jongin’s soft skin until the boy was trembling from it. 

„I’m so tired.“ Jongin slurred again, finally letting go of Kyungsoo while the latter was guiding him down the hall to get their jackets. „And… drunk. _Really_ drunk.“

„I know. You can sleep in a minute.“ Kyungsoo helped Jongin slip into his coat and tried to ignore the way Jongin was staring at him while Kyungsoo guided his other arm into the sleeve. 

„Kyungsoo.“ Jongin said softly, a little smile on his face.

Kyungsoo refused to look up for a second but he couldn’t deny Jongin anything, he never could, so when he raised his head to look into Jongin’s eyes a part of him just wanted to cry from how affectionately Jongin was staring at him. Because he knew what it meant; it was the younger admiring him for always taking care of him.

It didn’t mean Jongin was in love with him. 

It only meant _that_ and no matter how much Kyungsoo wished for it to be enough, tried to push some sense into his stupid head, it never was enough. 

It never would be.

Jongin didn’t say anything, just blinked at him in a way that made it really hard not to reach up and tug him down to push their mouths together; especially with alcohol running through his system, making it sound like not such a bad idea. 

He pressed his eyes closed, trying to get rid of his thoughts as he zipped Jongin’s coat up, securing the collar so the boy’s neck wouldn’t be exposed since it was cold outside. After slipping into his own coat he grabbed Jongin’s arm and tugged him out of Taemin’s apartment. 

It wasn’t far away from their campus, maybe a six minutes walk which Kyungsoo was glad about. He was just as drunk and tired and his face was freezing from the cold. 

It seemed like Jongin was already asleep, given how heavy he felt on Kyungsoo’s shoulder he was leaning his weight on. Kyungsoo grunted, slipping his arm around the boy’s waist while he tried to fish out his key card to swipe it through the security system at the entrance of their building.

He was about to lead Jongin to his room but the boy made a soft sound before straightening up a little. „Can I sleep with you?“ He asked, blinking at Kyungsoo with his eyes that were clouded from alcohol. 

Kyungsoo thought _no. No you can’t. It’s not okay, not when I feel this way about you. Can’t you see?_

But he nodded, like he always did with Jongin and started leading him to his shared room with Jongdae. If his roommate would come home at all tonight, he wouldn’t even bat an eye at the two of them sleeping together. Not because he was drunk but more because it was a sight everyone had gotten used to over the years. 

Once in his room he sat Jongin down on his bed first before he went into the bathroom where he tugged his shirt off that was smelling too much of smoke. He started brushing his teeth, bracing himself on the sink since he still felt a bit too dizzy when Jongin scuffed inside, coming up behind him where he rested his head on Kyungsoo’s naked back; right between his shoulder blades. 

„Can I use your toothbrush?“ Jongin slurred as he stepped closer. 

Kyungsoo hummed around the brush in his mouth, automatically leaning into Jongin’s warmth, especially when the boy brought his hands up to place them on Kyungsoo’s stomach. He hooked his chin over Kyungsoo’s shoulder and Kyungsoo saw him staring at his hands that were touching Kyungsoo’s skin through the mirror. 

This wasn’t anything new, this was normal. But Kyungsoo felt a little too bold for his own good with alcohol clouding his senses and he was feeling confused, and he was running out of excuses and he was just so fucking in love; it was just quite unfortunate, wasn’t it? That Jongin wouldn’t ever be his in the way Kyungsoo wanted him to be.

Kyungsoo bent down to spit, cleaned the toothbrush for Jongin and wiped the remaining toothpaste on the corners of his mouth away with the back of his hand. When he leaned back up he caught Jongin staring at him and he felt his chest grow heavy with it, how Jongin tilted his head as if he was thinking about something. 

His hands moved on his skin, fingers digging into Kyungsoo’s sides just a little bit and it took every ounce of self restraint for Kyungsoo not lean into it. 

„Here.“ He croaked, handing Jongin his toothbrush but Jongin had already closed his eyes, practically dozing off on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „Hey, don’t sleep now.“

„Too tired.“ Jongin slurred. He blinked his eyes open, and it was so endearing, and Kyungsoo felt his heart skip a beat and his eyes started to sting because he felt so much. „You do it for me?“ 

He gulped around the painful lump in his throat. „Are you serious?“ He tried to sound scolding but it came out broken, but why did he even care? Jongin was drunk; he wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow either way. Jongin pouted, or tried to and Kyungsoo sighed, giving in like he always did and turned around. 

Holding Jongin’s face in place with a hand on his jaw he told him to open his mouth before he reached back to put some toothpaste on the brush. Jongin’s eyes were closed when Kyungsoo started brushing his teeth and Kyungsoo tried to get this over with quickly, but his movements slowed down, and his eyes drifted upwards, landing on Jongin’s closed eyelids.

They looked so soft, everything about Jongin did, and his lips glistened from the water and his cheeks were red from the cold before.

And Kyungsoo just… he wanted _so much_.

And he wanted to throw the stupid toothbrush away because he didn’t know how he was supposed to go on like this anymore. But he didn’t, he pushed it back, ignored the way his hands were trembling a bit from how much he wanted to press a kiss to those lips. 

„Done.“ He said quietly once he was finished; watched the other boy blink sleepily before he gently pushed Kyungsoo aside to wash his mouth. 

„Thank you.“ He slurred and smiled dopily and Kyungsoo bit down on his lip hard. 

How could someone be so in love without getting anything back? Kyungsoo never thought he’d be this kind of person but here he was. He had changed so much, so fucking much, and everything just because of Jongin.

„Let’s get you out of these clothes. You smell terrible.“ Kyungsoo sighed and gripped the hem of Jongin’s sweater. 

Jongin lifted his arms so Kyungsoo could pull it off and after that he stood there like a child, with his hair sticking up into every direction, looking at Kyungsoo as if he was waiting for him to tell him what to do next. 

„Come on.“ Kyungsoo gripped Jongin’s bare arm and guided him to his bed. He turned around to go and turn off the lights and when he turned back around Jongin was trying to open the zipper of his jeans but he was struggling with it. Kyungsoo stepped closer and swatted his clumsy hands away, keeping his gaze down as he quickly tugged the zipper down and started to pull of Jongin’s jeans. 

He was burning up. Because Jongin’s thighs where right there and Kyungsoo’s hands were trembling, his eyes feeling heavy from how hot he felt from how much he wanted to run his palms over his beautiful skin. Jongin was so beautiful and Kyungsoo was itching to ask for more than he deserved to have. 

And Jongin was also drunk, and so was he, and they’d done this countless times before. They were merely best friends and Kyungsoo’s feelings were irrational. He wouldn’t lose his friendship just because he couldn’t control his stupid, stupid feelings. 

Once Kyungsoo had kicked off his own jeans he climbed into his bed, lying down on the other side since Jongin liked to sleep close to the wall. As soon as he threw the blankets over them Jongin scooted closer, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist to tug him him close. 

Kyungsoo tensed up; he could feel Jongin’s warm skin everywhere, could feel their thighs press together, their legs intertwining underneath the covers and Jongin’s arms sliding over his sides, hands brushing over the lower parts of his back. 

He could feel all of it and his skin burned, and his mind hurt, and his heart cracked.

It was silent for a while and Kyungsoo was sure that Jongin had fallen asleep when he felt him shift closer. Jongin reached for Kyungsoo’s arm, the one that was resting over Jongin’s hip casually, and he tugged on it until it was draped over him. He placed Kyungsoo’s hand on his back, and then lower, and lower until Kyungsoo’s fingers touched Jongin’s boxer briefs. Kyungsoo’s mind was too busy dealing with his own overwhelming thoughts and feelings; he didn’t understand right away what Jongin was doing. 

But he did when Jongin gripped Kyungsoo’s wrist and moved it lower until his palm ran over the swell of his ass.

Kyungsoo jerked his hand back immediately, suddenly sobering up. „What are you doing?“ 

„Nothing.“ Jongin mumbled but this wasn’t nothing; the way Jongin leaned closer to nose along Kyungsoo’s neck wasn’t. His mouth pressing a wet kiss to Kyungsoo’s Adam’s apple definitely wasn’t nothing. 

„Jongin...“ Kyungsoo mumbled, trying to push the boy away a little. „Stop it.“ 

Jongin whined. „Why?“ 

„You’re drunk.“ 

Jongin held on a little tighter, pressed closer and suddenly Kyungsoo felt how the boy’s heart was beating like crazy. „Don’t push me away.“ 

Kyungsoo shuddered, brushed his hand over Jongin’s side, hoping it would calm him down a little. „I’m not.“ 

„You are.“ Jongin whispered. He made a weird sound and his fingers dug into Kyungsoo’s skin almost painfully. „You are.“ 

Kyungsoo pressed his eyes closed, willing the dizziness to go away so he could deal with the situation when he suddenly felt Jongin jerk against him. He looked down and saw that Jongin’s shoulders were shaking. „Jongin?“ He asked, voice laced with concern. 

Jongin had never acted so strange before; he’d been drunk countless times but he’d never been like this. 

Kyungsoo wondered if something had happened before; something Jongin hadn’t had the time to tell him about yet before they went to the party. Jongin usually got like this when he was upset about something; he was clingier than usual and needier too. 

Jongin suddenly let out a muffled sob and it felt like someone had just stabbed Kyungsoo’s heart. He hated that sound; he had never seen Jongin cry before, let alone sound so desperate like something was hurting him.

„Jongin, why are you crying?“ He wanted to know.

„Hyung.“ Jongin whispered, his voice cracking and Kyungsoo shivered as Jongin’s breath hit his skin in hot puffs. „I’m so lost.“ 

Kyungsoo was starting to get really concerned now; he placed his hands on Jongin’s shoulders carefully and pushed him back a little so he could see his face. 

Jongin had his eyes closed, his eyelashes clumped with tears and his lips quivering from the way he was trying to stop crying. „Hey.. look at me.“ He said softly and waited until Jongin opened his eyes. „What happened?“ 

But Jongin only shook his head, his face crumbling once again. „I don’t know what to do— I don’t know— Please just tell me what to do.“

„How can I help you?“ Kyungsoo brought a hand up to brush Jongin’s bangs away. Jongin blinked when they threatened to get into his eyes. „Jongin… you’re scaring me.“ 

Jongin stared at him andteared up once more and before Kyungsoo could get him to speak he surged forward and all of a sudden, Jongin’s lips were pressed tightly against Kyungsoo’s. 

And Kyungsoo just… he froze completely. It took him a few seconds to realize that Jongin was kissing him and it took him a few more to react to it, his limbs tingling from the feeling of Jongin’s soft lips molded against his own. 

This was what he had wanted for so long; what he’d thought about every time Jongin smiled at him.

And yet it was so wrong. 

Jongin was still clumsily sucking on his lips while his hand once again took a hold of Kyungsoo’s wrist, placing it right back on his boxers, over one clothed cheek and and in any other circumstance Kyungsoo would’ve moaned from how good it felt in his hands but not right now.

Kyungsoo couldn’t move; he felt like this was all some kind of fucked up dream (he’d had some of those and he still couldn’t believe how many times he woke up with sticky boxers and images of Jongin underneath him, like some kind of boy in middle school experiencing wet dreams for the first time) - but this, this was so fucking real and he was still drunk and Jongin was kissing him, was pressing up against him so perfectly he couldn’t quite remember how to say no. 

He was already half hard when he felt Jongin’s hand on his cock, squeezing him and tearing a choked off sound from his throat. He tried to pull away because this was getting too far; this was probably the biggest mistakes of their lives but Jongin only gripped him harder, kneaded him until he was fully hard and squirming desperately underneath him. 

He moaned helplessly, hips bucking into Jongin’s touch despite his words. „Jongin… we can’t—“

„Don’t“ Jongin breathed against his lips, a whine escaping when he kissed Kyungsoo so tenderly he wanted to cry out in frustration. „Please don’t make me stop.“ Jongin sucked on his lips and Kyungsoo found his own moving back, because Jongin felt so soft against him, his lips so wet and full, slotting between his own perfectly, the lines of his body molding down into Kyungsoo's so easily. He was making soft noises and Kyungsoo started to tremble slightly because this shouldn't feel so right...

And then Jongin started to rub the tip of Kyungsoo’s cock relentlessly, his thumb pressing into the slit through his underwear. 

Kyungsoo moaned into Jongin’s neck when he tightened his hold on his cock, pumping him so slowly yet so hard his thighs started to shake while his hands pushed at Jongin’s shoulders weakly. This wasn’t okay; it wasn’t, they needed to stop— but there was so much heat coiling in his stomach, and his spine was arching from the pleasure and Jongin was pumping him so tightly and Kyungsoo just wanted him to go on and finish him off—

_Stop you fucking idiot! Stop right now! He’s drunk, you’re drunk, he’s going to hate you forever!_

Kyungsoo choked on his own breath and pushed Jongin off with his hands, sitting up and crawling away from the boy who was looking at him with something like hurt in his eyes. They stared at each other, Kyungsoo trying to catch his breath and also trying not to scream out loud from how fucked up everything seemed.

„We can’t do this.“ Kyungsoo croaked, his cock pulsing heavily inside his boxers. He tried to ignore the tent in Jongin’s own briefs, tried to ignore just how much he wanted to press the boy into the mattress, have his hands all over him and make him scream his name— „We’re drunk.“ He gulped heavily, his chest squeezing his heart and it hurt. 

Jongin blinked at him like he didn’t understand but Kyungsoo saw how hard he was breathing, how his hands in his lap were shaking and he reached his own hand out when he saw tears welling up in the boy’s eyes.

„Jongin…“ He started, trying to pull him closer but Jongin shook his head and crawled away. He stood up hastily, only to have his knees give in because he was swaying so much on his feet. Kyungsoo followed him, his head hurting from the sudden movement, and wanted to help Jongin stand up but Jongin slapped his hands away, clumsily climbing back to his feet. 

It hurt more than it should. Jongin had never rejected his help before.

Kyungsoo sucked in a breath when he saw tear tracks on Jongin’s flushed cheeks before the boy turned his face away from Kyungsoo. „Wait.. Jongin, don’t leave—“

But Jongin was gone the next second, without even picking up his clothes, the door left open, letting some light stream inside the otherwise dark room and Kyungsoo was left alone in the room, the air almost suffocating now that there was nothing but silence. 

He couldn’t quite remember ever feeling like this before. Like he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life, and like he wasn’t even able to understand just how massive the aftermath was going to be.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo woke up with the worst headache the next morning. At first, everything seemed fine save for the sick feeling in his stomach. 

And then the memories of the night came back one by one; he felt ice cold dread settle deep in his stomach. He wanted to tell himself that it was all just a dream; that none of it actually happened.

He looked for his phone, hoping to see one of Jongin’s stupid messages he always got after a night out when they all were suffering the worst kind of hangovers. 

But there was nothing. 

He gulped heavily around the lump in his throat. 

This didn’t mean anything. Jongin probably was still asleep. It was a Saturday after all, there weren’t any classes and Jongin liked to sleep in, especially when he had been drinking the night before. 

He took a long shower and tried to erase images from last night.

It hadn’t been a dream. They kissed. Jongin touched him. They did all of that.

He was scared shitless of seeing Jongin again and that was what scared him most. Because Jongin had always been a source of comfort and safety, but never this.

 

 

 

In the afternoon he went to Baekhyun’s and Junmyeon’s room, trying to distract himself sincere there still hadn’t been any kind of contact with Jongin. 

Jongdae was there too and he groaned when Kyungsoo dropped down next to him on the mattress. He let Jongdae rest his head on his shoulder and tried to ignore how his heart never stopped pounding nervously in his chest, how he felt like he could throw up any second and he was pretty sure it wasn’t from the alcohol.

„Soo?“

Kyungsoo jumped at Junmyeon’s voice. „What?“

„I asked you something.“

„Sorry.“ Kyungsoo mumbled but his heart wouldn’t stop fluttering and his voice shook. „What did you say?“ 

Junmyeon frowned at him a bit. „Did you see Jongin?“ 

„What?“ Kyungsoo asked a little to hastily, his stomach dropping at the mention of his name. 

„Sehun texted me. Seems like Jongin didn’t go back to their room last night.“ He explained, eyes gauging Kyungsoo’s reaction carefully. 

„I...“ Kyungsoo gulped. „I don’t know.“ 

„What happened last night?“ Baekhyun wanted to know, his eyebrows furrowed as he took in Kyungsoo’s state. 

Kyungsoo was about to open his mouth to say that nothing happened when the door slammed open and all of their friends started to stream inside; all of them looking equally as bad. 

And Kyungsoo felt his heart skip a beat when Jongin trailed inside right after Sehun. 

„Jongin!“ Junmyeon exclaimed. „Where were you?“

But Jongin shrugged him off and it took everything in Kyungsoo not to do something stupid, like maybe cry or something, when Jongin didn’t even so much as look at him. 

He sat down beside Sehun. 

For the first time ever since they had met, Jongin was sitting with someone else and Kyungsoo looked down into his lap while he ignored the prickling behind his eyes. He knew everyone was staring at him and Jongin, knew that Chanyeol was gaping like an idiot but no one asked, especially not after Kyungsoo’s confession last night. 

Kyungsoo gulped around the lump in his throat and when he looked up he found that Jongin was already staring at him. 

His heart cracked. Because that right there, in Jongin’s eyes, was something he had never seen before. Not even directed at someone else. Kyungsoo felt like he was the worst person alive, because Jongin looked at him like he didn’t know Kyungsoo anymore, like they were strangers or something. He tried to smile despite the pain shooting through his chest, because Jongin always smiled back but Jongin just—

He looked away and closed his eyes on Sehun’s shoulder and Kyungsoo thought that this was it. 

He finally did it; he ended their friendship because of his feelings when in reality he didn’t- he didn’t anything. 

„Kyungsoo-“ Someone exclaimed when Kyungsoo stood up and turned to leave, voice laced with concern, probably Jongdae.

But Kyungsoo didn’t listen; he wasn’t going to cry. He had never cried because of this so far and he wasn’t about to start right now but he couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle being in the same room as Jongin and then have him ignore him. It hurt so fucking much and he just— he needed to get away. 

He felt all their eyes on his back; he felt Jongin’s eyes on his back and he could hardly believe this was happening. But it was.

He spent the rest of the weekend hidden away in his bed, trying to sleep the hours away to shut off his thoughts. 

 

 

Monday came around and Kyungsoo was a walking mess. His hands were shaking and he needed Jongin, he wanted to talk to him, wanted Jongin to smile at him but Jongin wasn’t anywhere. 

He had ignored his friends’ worried messages and he felt bad for it but they didn’t understand, and he couldn’t tell them either.

He didn’t see Jongin at all that day and when lunch came around, the boy wasn’t anywhere to be seen either. He would sit at their table usually, right next to Kyungsoo, stealing away his food when Kyungsoo didn’t pay attention. 

But he wasn’t and Kyungsoo felt sick to his bones. 

Kyungsoo had expected them to talk about it, to say that okay, they were drunk and it had been a mistake. 

But he hadn’t expected this.

Jongin’s ignorance felt a lot like rejection to Kyungsoo, even before the latter had the chance to confess his feelings to Jongin. It made it worse, somehow. Knowing that Jongin never was going to feel the same way about him anyways. He’d always known, somehow but to have it confirmed was hard to take in.

It wasn’t just rejection, it also felt like some kind of accusation, like Jongin was sick of him, disgusted, everything that made Kyungsoo want to curl into a ball and hide away until he could forget about all of this.

_I'm never going to be sick of Kyungsoo hyung_ he remembered Jongin saying and he wanted to laugh at the irony of it but he really couldn't.

And what was even worse was the fact that he was losing Jongin because of it. The one thing he had always feared the most was happening and Kyungsoo felt like a helpless bystander to all of it.

 

  

 

„There’s just no way Jongin doesn’t feel the same hyung.“ Sehun said once during lunch but Kyungsoo shook his head, gave him a look that said more than enough. Sehun sighed and kept his mouth shut about the topic after that. 

Jongin wasn’t completely gone; he was just out of reach for Kyungsoo.

Whenever they were in the same room, it was like Jongin built some kind of invisible barrier between them, making it impossible for Kyungsoo to approach him.

Kyungsoo didn’t sleep well. He hadn’t talked to Jongin in almost a week and he was going insane. It wasn’t fair. Jongin wasn’t being fair and on Friday, when Jongin sat down beside Chanyeol for lunch, greeting everyone and ignoring Kyungsoo he found himself standing up and walking towards Jongin without thinking.

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him and when he stood there, beside Jongin, who in return kept his gaze down and fixed on his tray like the disgusting food on it was more interesting than Kyungsoo, his best friend. 

„Jongin.“ He said, loud and clear and Jongin tensed up, just a bit but Kyungsoo noticed. 

He didn’t look up. He continued ignoring him, so blatantly, in front of everyone and Kyungsoo felt his resolve crumble, felt his heart bleed in his chest because he couldn’t take this, not when it was Jongin. Cute Jongin who would always cling to him like he was the best person in the entire world.

„Jongin. Kyungsoo is talking to you.“ Baekhyun said and his voice was laced with anger, his eyes shooting daggers at the boy. 

And Jongin looked up, noticing how everyone on their table was staring at him and Kyungsoo saw his Adam’s apple bob right before he turned his head, flickering his eyes up to Kyungsoo’s face.

„What is it?“ He asked and Kyungsoo wished he wouldn’t have done this. The sound of Jongin’s voice, so indifferent, so cold and… bored was something he definitely couldn’t handle. 

„Can we talk?“ He asked either way, hoping that his voice came up steady despite his nerves forming something ugly inside his stomach. 

„I have a test after lunch. I need to go study.“ Jongin said and then he picked up his tray, with his untouched food, and circled around Kyungsoo to leave the cafeteria. 

And Kyungsoo just stood there, staring at the seat Jongin had just been sitting on.

„That fucker.“ He heard Baekhyun curse and he went to sit down again, pushing his tray away since he wasn’t hungry anymore. „Who the fuck does he think he is?“

„Stop.“ Kyungsoo said. He couldn’t believe it. He was still defending Jongin, always defending him. He couldn’t handle anyone talking bad about him, not even now when Jongin was treating him like this.

„No, he’s right.“ Junmyeon suddenly spoke up. „This isn’t okay. He can’t just start ignoring you like this out of the blue. You deserve an explanation.“

„He doesn’t want to talk to me.“ Kyungsoo shrugged, sighing tiredly. 

„Kyungsoo.“ Minseok suddenly spoke up. „Last week, after Taemin’s party… did something happen?“

Everyone went silent at the table and Kyungsoo felt his chest constrict once again, thinking about the kiss, the way Jongin had cried, how he’d touched him.

„This has been going on ever since.“ Minseok shrugged carefully. „I’m just asking…“ 

„Nothing happened.“ Kyungsoo answered, gulping around the lump in his throat.

„Hyung.“ Sehun suddenly spoke up. „Jongin doesn’t have dance practice tonight. Come and talk to him, I’ll make sure he stays in, okay?“^

Kyungsoo was fucking tired. He wanted to sleep and wake up in a world where everything was still okay, where Jongin would greet him with one of his bright smiles and smother him with his warm hugs. He felt his nose prickle but looked up to give them all a weak nod. Even if Jongin didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to have anything to do with him, Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to just give up on their friendship. He didn’t want to lose Jongin. He just.. he couldn’t. 

He had gotten so used to Jongin being with him; he wasn’t sure how to manage his life with such a big void in it. 

So he was going to talk to him and make things right because they were Jongin and Kyungsoo and that couldn’t just be over in the blink of an eye.

 

 

 

Sehun texted him that night. 

 

**— he’s not going anywhere, hyung. i’m with yixing hyung so you can have some privacy. good luck!**

 

Kyungsoo shut his phone off and rubbed at his eyes from where he was lying on his bed. He didn’t know if he was ready for this but he also didn’t know how much time he had left to fix what was left of their friendship. 

„You going?“ Jongdae asked, looking up from his laptop when Kyungsoo stood up and pulled a hoodie over his head.

He looked up and smiled at his roommate. „Yeah..“

His smile must have been a terrible one because Jongdae sighed deeply. „I hate that fucker for doing this to you. I hope he’s got a good excuse.“ 

Kyungsoo only nodded before he left the room. He felt jittery when he walked down the hall, wrapped his arms around his body to stop the goosebumps from spreading. He also felt sick to his stomach, not really knowing what to expect. Maybe Jongin wouldn’t even let him in. 

He took a deep breath and knocked two times when he reached Jongin’s and Sehun’s room. The wait was horrible, he kept gnawing on his lip so hard that he could feel an ugly metallic taste in his mouth. It hurt but he didn’t care because Jongin wasn’t opening the door.

He knocked again and when Jongin still didn’t answer after a minute he decided to go ahead and open the door himself since he knew the boys never locked it anyways. And it didn’t look like Jongin was going to open it on his own and Kyungsoo wanted to go through with this; he knew he’d chicken out if he just went back now.

He didn’t know what he had expected. 

But he—

He certainly didn’t expect Jongin to be nearly naked on his bed.

He didn’t expect a girl to be sitting on top of him, also naked save for her panties, her long brown hair falling over her smooth back and curling around her thin waist while she moved on top of him. 

It was Sujeong, he knew it.

He didn’t- he never expected having to watch Jongin kiss someone else. To see his hands gripping another waist, his hips pushing up while the girl made soft noises against him. To see someone else run their hands over his smooth chest and over his biceps, his arms, down to his hands—

But _fuck_ , more than anything, he never expected heart break to feel this horrible. He literally felt his heart stop beating, his stomach dropping, his hands starting to shake while his vision became blurry in a matter of seconds.

A whimper escaped his throat, barely audible but of course Jongin heard because he broke the kiss and propped himself up on his elbows to see who interrupted them. His eyes changed from unfocused to confused and then shocked. „Hyung-“ He started with a flushed face while the girl leaned down on him with an embarrassed sound, trying to cover herself up from Kyungsoo’s eyes.

„I—„ Kyungsoo hated how his voice sounded, so broken. „I’m sorry.“ He croaked out before he embarrassed either of them even more. He turned around quickly, almost bumping into the door from how teary eyed he was before he closed it shut behind himself with a little too much force and rushed back into his own dorm. 

Jongdae looked up from his laptop when Kyungsoo barged in and his bored expression fell apart once he saw Kyungsoo’s flushed face and wet eyes. He shot up from his bed. „Soo?“ He asked, hands gripping Kyungsoo’s shoulders worriedly. „What happened?“

„He was busy.“ Kyungsoo mumbled, new tears welling up in his eyes when he thought about Jongin kissing that girl. He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t cry. „I’m so fucking stupid.“ He croaked, shaking his head and bringing his hands up to hide his flushed face.

„Fuck.“ Jongdae mumbled before he brought Kyungsoo into an awkward embrace. Kyungsoo didn’t like being touched, not when it wasn’t Jongin but right now he didn’t mind. „Wait, what do you mean he was busy?“

Kyungsoo made a weird sound, choked up while he was trying so hard not to fall apart right there. He shook his head. „He was with someone.“ 

„What?“ Jongdae froze a little against him.

„They were kissing.“ He left the part out where Jongin and the girl were doing more than just kissing, seeing as they had been almost naked and he tried not to let out a hurt sob at the thought.

He didn’t even understand why he was so sad. It wasn’t like he ever expected Jongin to have the same feelings for him. But along the way he must’ve forgotten to think about the possibility of Jongin having those feelings for someone else instead.

And it hurt like hell. 

„We kissed.“ He suddenly said. He was so tired of being alone, of Jongin leaving him alone with all these confusing thoughts and then… doing this.

Jongdae pulled back and gaped at him, eyes wide. „What?“

„After Taemin’s party. He… He kissed me and now he just…“ Kyungsoo’s face crumbled once again, a mixture between anger and hurt and a deep sadness no one could ever understand without feeling the way Jongin was tearing his heart apart. 

„Son of a bitch.“ Jongdae cursed and then he sighed, tugging Kyungsoo close once more. „We’ll… we’ll figure it out. It’ll be okay, Soo.“

Kyungsoo just sighed, brought a hand up to rub at his chest. 

It was going to take some time, to wrap his mind around the fact that he had actually lost Jongin.

 

 

 

The girl turned out to be Sujeong after all; Jongin’s new girlfriend and when Sehun told him a few days later, Kyungsoo barely reacted to it, even though everyone on their table had their eyes not so subtly fixed on him, like they were expecting him to burst out in tears or something.

He smiled briefly and turned back to his lunch, munching on it quietly and acting like his chest wasn’t burning a little bit too much. 

He hadn’t talked to Jongin ever since the incident and the boy never tried to approach Kyungsoo either. 

Kyungsoo wasn’t dumb. He got the message.

Because Jongin and him hadn’t talked for over three weeks and they had never gone this long without each other. Hell, normally they would never go longer than a few hours without seeing or at least texting the other. 

But now the only time Kyungsoo would catch a glimpse of Jongin was in the cafeteria, where he now mostly sat together with his girlfriend which Kyungsoo didn’t blame him for. 

He’d probably would want to spend his time with the person he loved rather than with a friend who didn’t matter all that much after all. 

Of course it hurt. And of course Kyungsoo missed Jongin. After nearly three years of constantly being surrounded by the boy it felt like a part of him was missing. But this was Jongin’s choice, not Kyungsoo’s, and no matter how much Kyungsoo tried to tell himself that he didn’t give a fuck, that Jongin was an asshole he couldn’t.

He was still in love with him; nothing Jongin did could change that.

 

 

 

His friends tried to help him, distract him, and he was thankful for it but really, nothing or rather no one but Jongin could help him but the boy certainly wasn’t interested in the way Kyungsoo was feeling lately. 

It got better after a while; once Kyungsoo got used to not having Jongin around anymore. Sure, he still thought about him a lot, still missed him, still felt something lodge in his throat whenever he saw the boy holding hands with his girlfriend. Whenever he thought about that night, Jongin’s words, the kiss. 

But it got better and given how busy he was with graduation coming up, weeks rushed by without him really noticing it.

„Hyung.“ Sehun said one night when they were sitting in the library, studying for finals. „You don’t look so good. Do you sleep at all?“ 

Kyungsoo hummed in response, highlighting the formula to calculate a firm’s EBIT. „I’m just studying a lot.“ 

Sehun watched him quietly. „Jongin isn’t sleeping well.“ He suddenly said and Kyungsoo flinched a bit, his marker drawing a line over a few passages. 

„So?“ He asked as calmly as he could.

Sehun sighed. „I know you care, stop acting like you don’t.“ 

This made Kyungsoo grit his teeth together. „What do you want me to do?“ 

„Nothing but…“ Sehun shrugged. „I heard him mumble your name while he was napping yesterday.“

Kyungsoo felt his chest constrict a bit. Everything in him was yearning for Jongin but there wasn’t anything he could do about it, not when Jongin didn’t want to do anything with him anymore.

It’s been more than four months.

„Why are you telling me this, Sehun?“ He asked, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes. 

„I can’t stand seeing you like this. And I know he’s not doing well either hyung. I know it. He misses you just as much.“

„No. If he would, he could always come and talk to me but he doesn’t.“ Kyungsoo started gathering his things, it was almost midnight anyway and after talking about Jongin he wouldn’t be able to focus anymore. 

„Hyung..“ Sehun sighed, also collecting his things in order to rush after Kyungsoo. „Jongin’s stubborn, okay? I think things aren’t really great with his girlfriend but he won’t talk to me about it. He only used to talk to you about that stuff.“ 

„Sehun—“ Kyungsoo groaned. 

„Okay, I get it. But look… I’m not saying Jongin isn’t stupid for doing this but he’s just.. he must have his reasons. There’s no one he cares about more than you. You don’t get it… he used to talk about you all the time, _all the time_. Sometimes it drove me insane how he was so blind to his own feelings… Hyung, you’re Jongin and Kyungsoo. That can’t just be over, right?“

But Jongin and Kyungsoo only existed for so long and now it was just a weird memory. Kyungsoo couldn’t imagine the both of them being like that again, not after this huge cleft Jongin had created between them. Not after that stupid, stupid night.

 

 

 

„I talked to him.“ Sehun said and everyone stopped doing what they were busy with. They were sitting around in Baekhyun’s dorm, watching pointless videos on YouTube or playing Fifa on Chanyeol’s console.

„Jongin?” Baekhyun asked and Sehun nodded, eyes flicking over to Kyungsoo’s form who was still acting like he found the finance sheets on his desk interesting. „What did he say?”

„I asked him what the hell was wrong. Why he... you know, was ignoring Kyungsoo hyung." 

He literally could feel all the eyes on him in the room and he knew they were concerned about him but he was starting to get tired of this treatment.

„And he said that, it didn't really make sense because he's so stupid." Sehun sighed and shrugged. „He said he felt like you guys were getting too attached and that you needed some space..." 

Kyungsoo tried not to frown, really, but the information made a deep sadness bloom inside his chest. Jongin had always been the one to initiate anything that happened between them, be it sleepovers, the endless cuddles, the nicknames.

Kyungsoo never really did anything to make Jongin feel uncomfortable, or at least that's what he thought. 

It hurt, to hear that Jongin seemed to have gotten sick of him. It hurt way more than Kyungsoo would've ever expected, despite his eternal affection for the boy.

„That's weird." Yixing frowned. „They've been like this for three years, who is he to decide that they suddenly need space? Kyungsoo is just as much of a part of Jongin and Kyungsoo like he is."

„Guys…" Kyungsoo sighed and flipped his book shut. „Stop it." 

„No, why are you just accepting this Kyungsoo?" Jongdae asked, shaking his head with a deep frown etched into his features. „He can't just do this to you! Not after everything the both of you haven gone through. Everything you've done for him. I never thought Jongin could be this much of an asshole." 

„Stop." Kyungsoo said again, hating himself for still feeling this protective over Jongin. He could never listen to anyone talking like this about Jongin and keep his mouth shut. It came naturally, the urge to defend Jongin. „We’re allowed to shut people out without having to explain it." 

„Bullshit." Jongdae muttered under his breath. 

The topic was dropped and Kyungsoo felt miserable for the rest of the night.

 

 

 It was inevitable, really, that they would run into each other at some point.

Kyungsoo was hidden away in a corner of the library most of the time since his friends weren't so keen on studying and were playing video games in their dorm and he couldn't quite focus with all the shouting and cursing. 

It was already late; not many students were around who were trying to press all the needed information into their tired minds during last minute study sessions. Kyungsoo was one of them, barely able to keep his eyes open with how tired he was. He was sitting on a one person couch in the economics section; this part of the library was only barely lit, especially with how late it was and how their College turned all the other lights off to save money. 

This was the last place he'd ever expect to run into Jongin. 

But he guessed he somehow should've seen it coming, since Jongin was taking up some economy classes too.

He was so focused on rereading the same phrases over and over again, since his brain didn't fucking understand the meaning of them, that he didn't notice someone walking into the section where Kyungsoo was sitting. He only noticed the movement from the corner of his eyes once the person was close enough and his eyes flickered up absently to see who it was.

The person had his back turned to Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo knew Jongin like the back of his hand, he'd recognize him with eyes closed.

For a moment he didn't really know what to do.  A part of him wanted to sneak away while Jongin was still busy putting back the books in his hands and the other part wanted to reach out desperately. He hadn't been this close to Jongin for months now.

Kyungsoo knew he didn't deserve this treatment but that wasn't the reason why he decided to approach Jongin. It was the way his chest constricted upon seeing the boy, or how it got slightly harder to breathe seeing him dressed in his favorite black jeans and the grey hoodie they bought together last year when they went to the Christmas Fair. 

He gulped once and took a nervous breath before he opened his lips. „Jongin." He said and even though it was quiet and hushed it sounded too loud in the quiet library.

Jongin jumped upon hearing Kyungsoo's voice, the book he'd been holding in his hand falling to the ground from the force of it. He whipped his head around and stared at Kyungsoo, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

„Kyungsoo." Jongin said, his soft voice laced with surprise and something else. He looked awful. His hair looked like he hadn’t washed it for a while and his eyes were swollen, the way they always were when Jongin didn’t sleep properly. Only taking naps every now and then. Kyungsoo knew that from the countless times they had spent their nights in the library before their exams.

„What are you doing?" Kyungsoo asked carefully. He hated how tired Jongin looked, wanted to scold him for staying up too late practicing but he wasn't sure if he even had that right anymore. 

Jongin shifted once, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo's face before he knelt down to pick up the book and put it back on the shelf. Kyungsoo didn’t expect him to answer at all. He thought Jongin would leave. But he didn’t. „I uh.. just bringing some books back." He said, brushing some of his bangs out of his eyes when he looked up again.

They stared at each other silently and it was the first in a long while Kyungsoo couldn't read Jongin. And Jongin was the first to look away.

„See you around." He suddenly said, starting to turn around to leave and Kyungsoo was fed up with his attitude. 

„Wait!" He rushed out, pushing himself off from the chair, watching how Jongin actually stopped walking, his back turned to Kyungsoo. „Look at me." 

At first Kyungsoo thought Jongin was going to walk away, it's what he had been doing for the past few months but he wasn't sure if he could've taken it, if Jongin would've ignored him so directly again after the incident in the cafeteria.

He turned around after a moment and if Kyungsoo wouldn't have known better, he would've thought Jongin was scared.

„Can we talk?" Kyungsoo asked, hating how fast his heart was beating. „Or are you still going to ignore my existence?“

Jongin looked at the ground for a moment and Kyungsoo heard the sigh leaving his lips. „Talk about what?" He asked, as if he wasn't aware of everything that was so wrong between them. 

"Why are you ignoring me?" Kyungsoo's voice sounded too quiet, too shaky but he couldn't really help it. 

„I'm not." Was Jongin's answer to this and when he looked into Kyungsoo's eyes again he saw that Jongin was lying.

Kyungsoo gripped the hem of his sweater to hide the way his fingers were trembling a little. Why was Jongin acting like this? „Jongin. We haven't talked in months." He uttered, confused and tired. 

„I've been busy." 

"With Sujeong?" Kyungsoo asked without thinking it through, watched how Jongin's cheeks turned read and he could barely handle it. He couldn't handle seeing Jongin like this, getting flustered just from thinking about her. And it made him feel so horrible because he should be happy for him, should be happy that Jongin was so in love but how could be happy if it meant he was losing Jongin along the way? 

Jongin didn't answer, he blinked at him a few times and sighed deeply. „I have to go. It’s late and I'm tired.."

„I'm tired too." Kyungsoo mumbled, throat closing up for some reason. It felt like their friendship didn't mean anything to Jongin anymore, not when he wasn't even ready to make an effort and talk things through. „I'm tired of this." 

The other boy didn't say anything, watched Kyungsoo with those dark eyes and he looked so innocent that Kyungsoo couldn't even blame him for anything. He was so fucking weak when it came to Jongin. „I'm sorry." Jongin finally said and for the first time tonight he sounded like his Jongin again.

Kyungsoo dared to take a step closer and another one even though Jongin looked like he was ready to bolt any moment. „Did I do something wrong?" He asked. „Because if I did you have to tell me. I can fix it? And I won't do it again I promise." He had wanted to talk Jongin down, to shout at him for being such an asshole but he just couldn’t. He was pathetic. „I just— I really don't want to lose you." 

He didn't expect Jongin to react but the boy took a step closer as well and when Kyungsoo looked up he thought he could see pain flashing in Jongin's eyes. His heart nearly bursted inside his chest, having Jongin so close again after such a long time. „You didn't do anything wrong. Don't think that." 

„Then why are you doing this?" Kyungsoo reached his hands out carefully, clenching the fabric of Jongin's hoodie between his fingers as he dragged him closer. „Please stop ignoring me, Jongin."

Jongin made a soft sound, distressed and hurt. Kyungsoo knew because he heard him do it endless times, when Kyungsoo used to ignore him in order to focus on his studies. „I'm sorry." He said again.

„Is it— because of the kiss?“ Kyungsoo asked and watched how blankly Jongin stared at him. 

„What kiss?“ He asked and Kyungsoo felt his insides crumble a little at how Jongin’s lip twitched right after, because he was lying.

Kyungsoo knew Jongin, fuck, he knew him better than he knew himself.

Jongin was lying, he was choosing not to remember and it hurt more than anything else.

„The kiss.“ Kyungsoo tried to keep his voice steady but it was shaking with repressed anger, disappointment. „You kissed me, after Taemin’s party. And you…“ He stopped, not really daring to speak it out loud. Jongin’s wide eyes said enough, showed just how scared Jongin was of it too. 

Jongin shook his head. „I don’t know what you’re talking about.“

„Stop!“ Kyungsoo hissed, felt his eyes sting from frustration. „Don’t fucking lie to me! I know you remember, do you think I’m stupid?!“ Now, now he couldn’t control his anger anymore, he had never lashed out on Jongin like this and it felt suffocating, especially when Jongin winced and shrunk into himself at Kyungsoo’s harsh words. 

„I was drunk.“ Jongin said, his voice wavering. He couldn’t quite meet Kyungsoo’s eyes either. „So were you.“

„I wasn’t that drunk.“ Kyungsoo whispered and Jongin’s head shot up at that. 

They stared at each other for a moment before Jongin spoke up again. „Did you enjoy it?“ He asked. 

„What?“ 

„If you weren’t that drunk, then why didn’t you stop me?“ Jongin said and Kyungsoo went rigid at his words. What… the fuck was Jongin doing?

„I— I did stop you.“ He said but his voice broke. He couldn’t believe what Jongin was accusing him of. This was all going wrong. 

„Did you though?“ Jongin gulped and he looked anxious despite his words. He looked like he didn’t want to say the things that left his mouth and Kyungsoo’s mind was reeling. „I heard you. At Taemin’s. Heard what you said.“

„What?“ There was dread pooling deep in his stomach. Kyungsoo stared at Jongin weakly, probably looking like a scared puppy from how much he needed to look up because of the difference in hight. But this was it. This was the moment Jongin was acknowledging Kyungsoo’s feeling and it was the worst possible scenario that could’ve happened.

„How long have you had those feelings for me?“ The words felt like slaps, like accusations and Kyungsoo was on the verge of crying all of a sudden. Jongin was never supposed to know. He never- „Why didn’t you tell me, hyung? We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for so long, we’ve showered together and you just… do you think that’s fair?“ 

Kyungsoo kept silent, didn’t know what to say. He felt sick. He felt bile rise in his throat and his stomach tying itself into knots that weighed him down, making him feel even smaller. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t right. 

„You’ve taken advantage of my affection for you all this time.“ Jongin gulped and his eyes were glistening, his hands twitching at his sides and for one moment Kyungsoo thought Jongin was going to reach out for him but why would he? Why would he was saying these things to Kyungsoo?

„No—“ Kyungsoo croaked weakly.

„No?“ 

„Jongin, I never… I never fucking touched you unless you wanted me to-“

„And that makes it okay?“ Kyungsoo looked up and Jongin's eyes looked dangerously wet. Was it because he felt betrayed?

Was he… scared of Kyungsoo?

„Jongin.. I would never do that to you. You’ve known me for years I would never fucking hurt you, I could never hurt you in any way. How can you think that of me?“

„What else am I supposed to think? You’ve had your hands all over me while I was asleep, I trusted you like a fool while you probably-“

„Wait!“ Kyungsoo interrupted him harshly, eyes wide and mouth agape while his breath got stuck somewhere between his lungs and his windpipe. He was shaking from Jongin’s words, on the verge of tears but also about to scream out lout because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. „What the fuck are you implying?“ 

„What do you think? You’re a grown up guy, how could you possibly hold back when I was all defenseless and half naked for you to-“

His brain short circuited and his fist flew up to punch Jongin across the cheek. Pain shot through his arm and his face crumbled in sorrow, his heart ripping apart from all those words being shot at him, coming from Jongin.

Jongin’s head flew to the side from the force of it and it took him a few seconds until he faced Kyungsoo again and when he did, his eyelashes were wet. „Are we done? I’m tired.“ He mumbled, bringing a hand up to rub at his cheek. 

„Fuck you! Fuck you, Jongin, I know you don’t mean those things you’re saying!“ Kyungsoo hissed. „Why the fuck are you doing this? Huh?!“ Jongin sniffled and took a step back and Kyungsoo couldn’t take it any longer, he stepped forward to grip Jongin’s collar and tugged him down a bit. „No… I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I’ll stop. I can stop my feelings but please stop doing this.“ Jongin turned to press their temples together, making Kyungsoo's lips brush Jongin’s reddened cheek like an apology for fucking up their friendship with his feelings. For punching him. 

Kyungsoo _hit_ him. 

„I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you—“

„I deserve it.“ Jongin said, his voice shaking.

"No, you don't-"

"Hyung, trust me, I fucking deserve it."

When Jongin reached out to grip his wrists he thought Kyungso thought he would push him away but Jongin tugged him closer instead. „Can you hug me?“ He asked quietly, pressing closer.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist, felt the boy’s chest heaving against his own when Jongin melted into him, leaning down to rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „I miss you. We should talk about it, like we always do. Don't do this anymore, please.“ Jongin hugged him tighter and Kyungsoo pressed his eyes closed when he felt his nose prickle with the promise of tears.

Jongin shook his head, pressed a little closer and his shoulders were shaking a bit, just like they did that night. Kyungsoo wanted to hold him together, tell him that everything was fine but it wasn’t because Jongin didn’t allow it.

„I don’t get it.“ Kyungsoo said, taking a shuddering breath when Jongin pressed the softest kiss to his neck. „What makes you do this?“ He asked tiredly, shaking his head against Jongin's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Jongin whispered again, like a broken record.

"Does our friendship mean nothing to you?" Kyungsoo asked, lips pressed against Jongin's shoulder, feeling dead tired from all of this.

Jongin took a shaky breath. „Of course it does. You know you mean the world to me."

Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows, digging his forehead into Jongin's chest like he could make all of this mess go away like that. "You wouldn't do this to me if that was true Jongin.." 

„It is true. You're my best friend." Jongin's voice broke and Kyungsoo's heart did too when Jongin made a noise like this was hurting him physically. „My… best friend.“

"Don't leave." Kyungsoo said when he felt how Jongin was starting to pull back, his fingers clinging to his hoodie pathetically like that was going to make Jongin stay. "Jongin, let's just talk please-"

Jongin sighed and it sounded a little shaky. „I have to go.“ 

And then he let go of Kyungsoo and turned around without even looking back. 

Like this wasn’t the last time the both of them were going to talk to each other. 

And Kyungsoo sat in the library for hours, not knowing how he was supposed to go on after everything that’s been said and done, after Jongin left this gaping hole in his chest. 

Kyungsoo was going to mend it. He just didn’t know how yet.

 

 

Months passed and Kyungsoo didn’t talk to Jongin again. He had never felt like this, like a walking corpse but here he was. He hadn’t told his friends about what had happened in the library. Didn’t want to burden them any further with his problems. He tried to deal with it on his own but more often than not Jongdae had to wake him up during the nights, when he’d been trashing around, whimpering. 

Saying Jongin’s name.

He knew and he never asked. He ordered pizza and watched stupid TV shows with Kyungsoo until Jongin was nothing but a bitter memory that stung like an open wound every time the name flashed through his mind.

By the time graduation came up, Kyungsoo didn’t even have time to think about Jongin at all. He was just glad that college was finally over. 

He just never had imagined for it to be like this. For his graduation pictures to be lacking Jongin’s bright smile.

They went to a party after the ceremony and all his friends were there, save for Jongin. 

And it still stung because usually, Jongin would be here, hugging him, never leaving his side.

But that stopped being a thing a long while ago and the thought of Jongin started to hurt less with every passing day. 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo got a job as an accountant at an average sized company and things were… okay. 

He still met his friends every weekend and it still felt like they were at college despite them being in the adult world now.

Jongin’s name burned on the tip of his tongue every time they met up and there was no sight of the boy each time.

Junmyeon was the one who brought it up three months after graduation. Five months since the last time Kyungsoo had talked to Jongin. „Actually, why does Jongin never come?“ 

Kyungsoo knew his friends were trying to avoid bringing his name up, for his sake. But he was over it. He really was. Of course he still missed Jongin in his weak moments, when he was in his bed in his empty apartment, asking himself if Jongin would be there with him if things would’ve turned out differently. 

If they would cook together and make a mess in the kitchen, if they would both come home from work exhausted and still have their stupid movie nights like they did in college. 

They used to talk about how they were going to rent an apartment together after graduation.

Jongin was probably living together with Sujeong now instead.

He missed Jongin a lot, to be comepltely honest. But he was getting better at forgetting about the boy and that was good. It was a start.

Sehun cleared his throat, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo’s form nervously. „He uhm… he left, actually. On Monday.“ 

„Left?“ Yixing asked. „Where did he go?“ 

„London.“ Baekhyun spoke up and Kyungsoo forgot to gulp down the beer in his mouth. He choked a bit and Baekhyun patted his back, trying to help him with a pained look on his face. "London, as in, England?"

Jongin was gone? 

„What?“ Chanyeol looked at him with wide eyes. „What the fuck is he doing in London?“

„That fucker left without saying goodbye?“ Jongdae shouted and some people in the bar turn to their table at his outburst. „Is that how much he respects us now?!“

„Hyung, it’s not that.“ Sehun sighed, looking uncomfortable when almost everyone at the table glared at him. Kyungsoo tried really hard not to, but he almost felt bad on Jongin’s behalf. Their friends were starting to get angry at Sehun for standing up for his best friend; that’s how far they had come already. How sad. „He said he couldn’t say goodbye to all of you. Like it would hurt too much or something. I think he was ashamed, too.“ Sehun’s eyes flickered over to Kyungsoo who in return frowned down at the table.

Jongin had left without saying anything. They had been best friends for three years, shared every little detail with the other and now he was gone like Kyungsoo wasn’t even worth that; a little goodbye. Nothing. Fucking nothing and he was on the other side of the globe. 

„He’s a fucking brat. He always was.“ Jongdae spat, shaking his head as he chucked his beer down. 

„Jongdae. Enough“ Minseok sighed.

„No, not enough! Fuck him. He’s a fucking spoiled brat, I always knew it. Always fucking begging for Kyungsoo’s attention and once he got sick of him he threw him aside like he was nothing but trash.“ Jongdae grunted and rubbed at his eyes, trying to calm down when Minseok gripped his arm to stop him. „I’m sorry Soo.“

Everyone carefully looked at Kyungsoo and he was getting sick of it. Jongdae’s words brought some painful memories back, memories of Jongin laughing and hugging him until he couldn’t breathe and then memories of Jongin passing him in the hallways without even looking his way. He took a deep breath and shook his head. „You guys seriously need to stop acting like I’m going to fall apart every time you mention him.“ 

It was silent for a moment before Junmyeon cleared his throat. „What is he doing in London then?“ He sounded a bit hurt and Kyungsoo understood. The Jongin he used to know would’ve never done this because he loved their friends. He would’ve never turned his back on them without saying a word. 

„There’s a dance company. They got a recommendation from his dance instructor and wanted him.“ Sehun spoke. „He only got the news a week ago… so he didn’t have much time.“ 

There was an awkward tension in the air; while most of them were angry and maybe a bit hurt about Jongin leaving, Kyungsoo felt his eyes prickle. 

Because it was one thing when Jongin was here and openly ignoring him but it was an entirely other thing when Jongin was not here at all; so far away that he couldn’t even talk to Kyungsoo even if he wanted. 

Kyungsoo never thought he’d lose Jongin, but it happened. 

 

 

And he remembers the promise Kyungsoo made to him, that night when Jongin asked him to never leave him and he thinks he’s so stupid, for not noticing how Jongin never made that promise back. 

 

 

_**\- x -** _

 

„Soo?“ Chanyeol’s voice brings him back to reality and Kyungsoo curses quietly when he notices the wetness that has gathered in his eyes while he was busy replaying every moment he’d had with Jongin in his mind. „You there?“

Kyungsoo clears his throat. „Yeah.“

„Are you…“ Chanyeol clears his throat too. „You know, we would understand if you don’t want to come. But we just— we thought it would be good, maybe you guys could talk or something. Make up, you know? I mean, it’s been two years and we just—“

„I’ll come.“ Kyungsoo interrupts him, surprising himself a little too. His heart feels like it’s going to burst, something it had stopped doing after Jongin. 

„What?“ Chanyeol sounds surprised and Kyungsoo can tell he’s smiling from the sound of his voice. „What? Wait, what?“

„Stop repeating yourself.“

„What— Sorry… Soo, are you sure? I mean— I think it’s fucking great! It’s going to be amazing, I promise you!“ Chanyeol clears his throat, calming down a little before speaking again. „I’ll send you all the details in a minute; check your mail, okay?“

„Sure.“ Kyungsoo says absently. He tries to wrap his mind around the fact that he’ll be seeing Jongin again soon. And he definitely ignores how his chest feels at the thought. 

Chanyeol makes a soft sound, probably having heard the weird undertone in Kyungsoo’s voice. „Soo… I’m sure it’ll be fine. I know shit happened; I was there… We all were there but you— you guys were _Jongin and Kyungsoo_. You can make up again, don’t you think?“

Kyungsoo nods to himself, trying to remember the sound of Jongin’s voice. 

It’s been two years.

He’s over it.

„Yeah.“

 

 

**_ \- x - _ **


	2. Chapter 2

**\- x -**

 

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t start packing until an hour before he’s supposed to head out. 

Normally, he does these things way ahead. So he doesn’t have to worry about things he might have forgotten to pack. He likes his things organized, planned ahead. 

But ever since Chanyeol called him in his office last week - and Kyungsoo agreed to be a part of their little get together in the mountains - there’s been some kind of feeling hiding somewhere between his chest and stomach. 

Some kind of ugly mixture between anxiety and dread. 

There’s been one or two times where he has reached for his phone, thumbs hovering over the screen to send Chanyeol a message along the lines of

 

**_sorry mate, don’t think i can make it. came down with the flue or something._ **

Or

**_I couldn’t get off from work, i’m really sorry._ **

 

But he ended up tossing the phone on his couch every time, the headache that came over him frequently feeling like it was splitting his head in two. 

He’s always been a bit of a worry wart, but not like this. At least he hasn’t been in a long while.

Not ever since everything that happened with him and Jongin.

Jongin. 

Even now, while he’s folding a navy blue sweater to pack it in his bag, his stomach does a sickening twist at the thought of the boy. 

Well, man now. Probably.

It’s been two years. He’s an adult, he’s got a job, he seals contracts with ‚important’ people on a daily basis.

But he doesn’t feel grown up enough to face the person that threw his heart around to make it feel like it does today. 

„Get a grip.“ Kyungsoo sighs to himself. 

Kyungsoo hasn’t been heartbroken over Jongin ever since graduation, he really hasn’t. He moved on, he started earning money, went on dates, all of that without Jongin’s burning eyes glued to the back of his mind.

But then he’d kiss those people, and he’d try to sleep beside strangers after drunk encounters, and he’d hear Jongin’s warm laughter echo in his mind and his fingers would itch to reach out, pathetically trying to find the comfort and warmth of Jongin’s body.

Jongin has been gone for a long time and honestly, until last week, Kyungsoo didn’t think he would see him ever again.

Sometimes, during the really bad nights, he prayed to some kind of higher power to never see the boy again.

Because he knew himself; he knew his heart. 

Jongin might have been not a part of his life anymore, but there’s this part of his heart that’s only reserved for Jongin; always has been ever since the day they stumbled into each other on campus. It never stopped being Jongin’s even after he left; a miserable little void waiting for something to come back and make it feel whole again. 

And he’s terrified.

Because no matter how much he tells himself that he’s over it, that he’s numb to it by now, that he can face Jongin in a polite and mature way, like 

_hey, let’s just forget what happened._

Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

„Get a fucking grip.“ He repeats as he pulls the zipper closed. 

It’s two in the afternoon, he should be on the road already.

He’s supposed to be there by seven.

And as if on cue, his screen of his phone lights up with a message.

**14:02 Dae:** _hope you’re on the road already! baekhyun says to bring your fondue set. also be careful driving, roads are slippery as hell. see you!!!!_

He smiles to himself because despite the sick feeling in his gut, he looks forward to seeing all of them again.

 

 

 

 

He's been to Junmyeon's parents' house up here in the mountains before. It was during winter break into their second year of college, same group of people as now.

The difference is that last time, while Kyungsoo was driving for three hours straight in order to get here, he wasn't sitting alone in his car.

Jongin sat next to him, sleeping most of the time and then whining once they arrived. He had always had a weak back, even without the constant dancing. It got worse and Kyungsoo remembers rubbing pain relieving ointment into his skin more often than not, remembers wishing to be able to take away the boy's pain somehow. 

He remembers Jongin sneaking into his room late at night.

 

 

 

 

 

_„Kyungsoo?"_

_„Hm.."_

_„You awake?"_

_„Duh."_

_„I can't sleep."_

_Kyungsoo groans. „Come here."_

_There's the sound of feet shuffling across the floor and a moment later the mattress dips before Jongin sneaks underneath the covers. He doesn't wrap Kyungsoo up in his arms like he usually would._

_„You okay?" Kyungsoo mumbles sleepily._

_Jongin doesn't answer so Kyungsoo blinks his eyes open, turning around to face his best friend. Jongin looks tired, which isn't unusual, but the bags underneath his eyes are darker than usual and the lines on his face look tense, his lips pressed together as he looks into Kyungsoo's eyes. Kyungsoo understands immediately. „Is it your back?"_

_Jongin shrugs and nods, snuggles closer. „I'm sorry for waking you up. But it's killing me..."_

_„It's okay." Kyungsoo whispers, feeling bad for the boy. He reaches his hand out to rub his fingers over Jongin's scalp, just to see his eyes flutter closed and a sigh leave his lips. „Want me to massage it?"_

_Jongin pulls a face, like he's about to apologize again. „Please?"_

_It's almost half past one and Kyungsoo is tired, he wants to sleep, the massages usually only relief the pain for the moment - sometimes even making it worse in the morning - but this is Jongin, and he's in pain, and Kyungsoo's mind could never find enough peace to fall asleep with the knowledge of not having helped him through it._

_Kyungsoo climbs over Jongin's body and walks to his desk, opening the last drawer where he keeps the rub that warms up on it's own. It's Jongin's favorite, since it loosens up the muscles better._

_„Turn around." He says and he pulls a face in sympathy when Jongin curses under his breath when the movement jostles his sore muscles._

_Kyungsoo climbs on top of him, one leg on either side of his thighs but he's careful not to sit down even though it's hurting his thighs, holding himself up like this. He doesn't need to feel Jongin's firm ass underneath him, he really really doesn't._

_„Ugh, my shirt." Jongin mumbles into the pillow, reaching his hand back to try and grip his collar to pull it off like he always does, like on tug and the piece of clothing is gone._

_Kyungsoo sees him struggle and the movement must hurt him even more so he puts down the bottle and swats the boy's hands away, patting his sides gently. „Get up."_

_Jongin lifts himself up on his elbows so Kyungsoo can grip the hem of his shirt and start pulling it up. It gets tangled in his arms and Jongin somehow face plants into the pillow and Kyungsoo doesn't mean to laugh._

_„'m in pain. Don't laugh." Jongin whines into the pillows miserably and Kyungsoo chuckles some more, carding his fingers through Jongin's soft hair for a while._

_„Sorry." He says and uncaps the bottle, squeezing some of the content into his palm before he rubs it between his hands, trying to warm it up because he knows how uncomfortable it is to have it touch your warm skin otherwise. He starts by pressing his palms against Jongin's lower back, right on top of the little dimples on the bottom of his spine and Jongin tenses for a moment. „Does that hurt?" Kyungsoo asks, slightly worried since he's barely touching him._

_Jongin only nods and Kyungsoo sees how he's gripping the edge of the pillow with one hand. „Maybe I should stop. I don't want to hurt you further..."_

_„No." Jongin quickly says and his voice is shaking and honestly, it hurts Kyungsoo even more, to see him in so much pain. „Please, I've already taken pain killers and nothing helps as much as your massages..."_

_Kyungsoo sighs and carefully places his hands back to where they were before. He starts slow, circling his palms into the skin and Jongin winces hard and Kyungsoo immediately stops. „Jongin-"_

_„Hyung please just-" Jongin huffs out a tired breath. „Please make it feel better."_

_And it tugs on his heart, the "help me" hidden in the words because even though Kyungsoo is smaller and thinner physically, Jongin is a lot more vulnerable on the inside. Kyungsoo is the one who holds his ears closed during storms, the one who lets him hide his face in his neck during scary movies. Kyungsoo holds him from behind when they're sleeping because that's how Jongin feels safe._

_And it's funny because no one really knows this side of Jongin. The boy usually is nothing but charming, blinding smiles and stupid jokes and when he's dancing, he's out of this world.  He's that kind of person that makes every girl's heart melt._

_Or in Kyungsoo's case, every man's._

_But that isn't the Jongin Kyungsoo fell in love with._

_Kyungsoo fell in love with this Jongin, the one who searches comfort within the safety of Kyungsoo's arms. The one who constantly needs reassurance that Kyungsoo is there for him, that Kyungsoo will never leave him. The one who snores way too loudly and drools in his sleep, who always wears socks because he thinks his toes are weird when really, they're as beautiful as feet can get._

_There's a lot about Jongin most of people will never get to see._

_And it's a small comfort, given the circumstances - the feelings Kyungsoo keeps buried inside his rib cage like a fluttering bird wanting to break free - because it makes him feel somewhat special to Jongin._

_He gulps once and softly presses his thumbs left and right of Jongin's spine, feeling how tense the muscles are. „Relax." He whispers._

_„I'm trying." Jongin answers gruffly but Kyungsoo hears him inhale slowly and starts rubbing gentle circles into the knots in Jongin's back. Jongin winces every now and then but otherwise keeps silent._

_Once Kyungsoo has reached the middle of his back Jongin tenses and when Kyungsoo presses against it he deflates instantly. "Oh fuck-" He groans and Kyungsoo bites his lip when he hears the whimper leaving Jongin's lips._

_„I'm sorry... Jongin, are you okay?" He asks quietly but Jongin just keeps pressing his face into the mattress, his shoulders shaking a bit. „Hey..." He reaches his hand out and gently rubs his shoulders, not putting on any pressure, just until Jongin relaxes again._

_„Sorry" Jongin mumbles. „Sorry hyung... I'm okay. Just hurts a little." Jongin tries to reassure him, because he always is okay, according to him, even if his nose is broken. It happened before._

_„You're obviously not okay Jongin. I'm taking you to the doctor tomorrow."_

_Jongin turns around underneath him, forcing Kyungsoo to hover over his thighs. „They don't do anything. Just give me pain killers. You know that."_

_„But I hate seeing you like this."_

_Jongin smiles, reaches his hands out to grip Kyungsoo's wrists and tug him closer. „I’m better." Kyungsoo frowns at that and Jongin sighs, rubbing his thumb over the joints of Kyungsoo's wrists. „I promise."_

_Jongin places Kyungsoo's palms against his naked chest and Kyungsoo tries to hide how his breath hitches once his palms press up against Jongin's warm skin. It feels soft beneath the tips of his fingers and all he wants to do is run them over the dips of his ribcage, over his belly button and the jut of hip bones._

_He wants to lean down and press kisses into it._

_„Soo." Jongin murmurs and Kyungsoo jerks his head up, only now realizing that his eyes have become heavy, stuck on the expanse of the boy's torso. His heart feels heavy like a stone in his chest and his arms feels shaky too._

_He looks up into Jongin's eyes and wishes he didn't because Jongin stares at him until he starts feeling uneasy._

_Jongin trails his fingers over Kyungsoo's wrists and then up, over his arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake which Kyungsoo desperately hopes the boy won't take notice of._

_His eyes never leave Kyungsoo's and suddenly, when Jongin parts his lips to take in a shaky breath, the air around them grows heavy, almost suffocating and Kyungsoo feels something prickle behind his eyes when Jongin’s hands wander to curl around his thighs, not hard at all, but it feels like he’s scorching his skin through the material of Kyungsoo’s boxers. He spreads his legs, shifts underneath him and it's unnerving, makes Kyungsoo's thighs shake in a way only Jongin can cause and he hates himself for this, for feeling like this. He feels like he's betraying Jongin's trust with his thoughts._

_But he doesn't have control over it. His actions, those he can control. He can swallow the urge to press kisses on every patch of smooth, tanned skin when Jongin climbs into his bed with nothing on but his underwear. He can push down the feeling of wanting to hold Jongin's hand when they walk through the campus together. He has learned how to hold back whenever Jongin is too close, smiles a little too fondly, and when Kyungsoo wants to kiss him so bad it leaves him breathless._

_But his thoughts, the way his stomach churns when Jongin touches him, how his heart flutters and how his breath gets stuck somewhere between his lungs and his mouth, that he can't control._

_„Let's go to sleep." Kyungsoo says._

_Jongin watches him silently for a few seconds, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo's features like he's trying to read him._

** _What are you hiding?_ **

_He nods then and lets Kyungsoo roll away from him. Kyungsoo puts the bottle of ointment back to it's place with trembling hands, wondering just how long it's going to take for him to break._

_Wondering what Jongin is doing, if he doesn't notice... this at all._

_Doesn't hear how Kyungsoo's heart keeps hammering against his ribs like it's trying to make Jongin notice it._

_„Goodnight hyung." Jongin mumbles once they're back in bed._

_Kyungsoo keeps his distance, whispering „Goodnight Jongin." back, only to have the other reach back and curl his fingers around Kyungsoo's wrist, tugging him in and closer against his back. Kyungsoo ignores the lump in his throat and is careful when he presses his chest against Jongin's back._

_Jongin presses back against him, wincing a bit but seeking the soothing warmth against his muscles. He curls into Kyungsoo despite Kyungsoo’s smaller frame, like he feels safe and content being there, engulfed in his body heat. Kyungsoo wraps his arms around him, hoping to ease some of the pain._

_And when Jongin tugs at his wrist some more, when he leans his head down to brush his lips over Kyungsoo's knuckles, he pretends like it’s okay._

_Like he always does._

 

 

 

  

 

The roads up to the house, villa, whatever you want to call it, are a bit dangerous, with sharp slopes just beside the roads and it felt better to have someone with him last year to keep him focused and awake. He didn't sleep all that much last night, trying to make up for today since he'll be missing at work and his eyes are threatening to close all the time. He turns up the volume of the radio and curls his fingers a little tighter around the steering wheel. 

He doesn't quite understand anymore why he agreed to this. 

His friends were surprised to say the least, and Jongdae was anything but pleased with it. 

After Jongin left, Jongdae and him got a lot closer. They've always been close to a certain extent, since they were roommates and all, but it changed once Kyungsoo's world kind of crumbled around him because of the void Jongin left behind. 

The call from Jongade came almost immediately once the news spread, that Kyungsoo was coming, and that Jongin was coming too.

It's like everyone's expecting something terrible to happen, which Kyungsoo can't even bring himself to deny the possibility of.

But just— does he really want to spend his entire life having no closure to this? Because it feels wrong; like what happened back then isn’t the ending that was meant for them, and maybe he’s just hoping to talk it all out, so they can look each other in the eyes again without constantly being reminded of that thing that happened two years ago.

 

 

 

 

Junmyeon’s parents house isn’t just a house.

It’s a villa, okay, and it’s so huge Kyungsoo got lost in there last time they came here. 

There’s already a lot of noise coming from inside and Kyungsoo isn’t even sure if they’re going to hear him ringing the bell but he gives it a try anyways.

There’s a shriek and the noise stops suddenly and before Kyungsoo can question it Baekhyun is already ripping the door open.

„SOO!“ He shouts, pulling Kyungsoo inside and into a tight hug. „I fucking missed you!“ 

Kyungsoo chuckles, hugging him back just as his nose gets filled with delicious smells. „I missed you too.“

Baekhyun laughs, hearing Kyungsoo sniffle the air like that. „Dinner’s all ready; we were waiting for you.“ 

Kyungsoo freezes a little and if Baekhyun notices how his face falls a fraction, he doesn’t comment on it. „Is everyone here already?“

And now Baekhyun hesitates a second, nodding at him, like he knows what Kyungsoo is thinking. „Yeah, they’re all here.“

And he doesn’t say it out loud, but Kyungsoo hears the implication there and he gives him a little reassuring smile that he’s fine.

Baekhyun smiles back and takes his coat. „Come on.“

 

 

 

The living room bursts into shouts and loud greetings once Kyungsoo enters. 

He doesn’t know if he wants to be annoyed at the animal noises Chanyeol is making or just happy to see them all.

He sees a flash of something, someone, from the corner of his eye and he knows it’s him just from the way his stomach does a flop. 

He’s not ready.

The hugs seem never ending, and Kyungsoo's heart is almost bursting in his chest while he's being smothered with the love of his friends. 

It kind of happens in slow motion, Kyungsoo getting passed around, his head pressed into their chests while his hands weakly grasp at their arms in a pathetic attempt to hug back. 

He feels him in the room, feels his eyes on him, like a ton of bricks weighing down on his body.

He wants to turn around and leave. 

But instead Jongdae pulls back from his last hug, holds him by his arms and smiles at him warmly. "Good to see you again."

Kyungsoo nods, puts on a smile because he _did_ miss all of them. "You too."

And then Jongdae gives him a slightly pained smile as he slowly steps to the side to reveal the person who's been standing there silently all this time. 

Kyungsoo tries to gulp but his tongue feels like cotton in his mouth, his hands clammy as his eyes land on Jongin for the first time in two years.

And you know; Kyungsoo doesn’t know what he expected. 

Because Jongin doesn't look any different. 

He's still tall. His skin is still glowing. His hair is still a mess, despite being a little lighter.

Most of all, he still looks like the most beautiful thing Kyungsoo has ever seen.

Jongin looks a lot like he did when they talked to each other for the last time, in the library. Tired, a little worn out, vulnerable wrinkles in the corners of his eyes from what Kyungsoo knows is nothing but exhaustion. 

And if Kyungsoo looks loser, he can clearly see that Jongin wants to run away from here just as much as Kyungsoo does.

Their eyes meet; Jongin gulps and Kyungsoo tried not to choke on his own breath.

_God…_

The air around them shifts, because everyone knows what's going on, everyone feels the elephant in the room but no one really understands just how suffocating it is for Kyungso because—

Because Kyungsoo, even after all this time, absolutely is not over Kim Jongin.

Despite all the shit Jongin put him through, how unfair he treated him, Kyungsoo's heart still beats against his ribs like it wants to escape. He wants to hold him close, take in his scent, feel his warmth around him again so bad.

„Hey." Jongin says and Kyungsoo holds back from shivering at the sound of his voice, how scratchy it comes out like it always used to do when Jongin was either upset or nervous.

Kyungsoo thinks he might be both right now.

„Hey." Kyungsoo responds.

Jongin stares at him, barely blinking, like he's waiting for Kyungsoo to do something. 

But Kyungsoo can't look into Jongin’s eyes any longer; not when they used to hold so much warmth and charm and are now replaced with traces of the invisible wall that's standing between them.

He used to be able to read Jongin so easily. One look would be enough to tell if Jongin was upset, tired, in pain, happy.

But now— nothing. He might as well have his eyes closed shut because he does not understand what Jongin feels, what he thinks. 

It’s like they’re not speaking the same language anymore.

Kyungsoo shoots a look to Baekhyun and he thinks he must look desperate or pleading (or both) seeing as Baekhyun clears his throat immediately after. 

„Dinner’s ready!“ He shouts loudly and Kyungsoo watches how Jongin jumps at Baekhyun’s sudden outburst. „Haha.“ 

Their friends shoot Baekhyun an annoyed look for screaming like that. 

„Let’s fucking eat.“ Baekhyun grumbles before he turns to head for the kitchen.

Kyungsoo would smile, if things were different, because Jongin’s always been so easy to startle. 

Some things never change. 

Jongin clears his throat and looks away when everyone around them starts chattering again, getting up to gather around the dinner table that’s already filled with food enough to feed an entire football team. 

Chanyeol throws an around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, smirking down at him as he drags him towards the table. „I’m glad you came, Soo.“ 

Kyungsoo smiles, fighting the urge to look back and check if Jongin is coming. „It’s nice to see all of you again.“ 

Chanyeol and him go to the kitchen to help Baekhyun carry some stuff to the table and Kyungsoo tries to get his shit together, still feeling a little shaken by the fact that Jongin and him are going to spend an entire week under the same roof. He wants to enjoy this, he doesn’t want everyone to walk around on egg shells just because of what happened between Jongin and him years ago.

Baekhyun passes him a bottle of wine. „Hey… are you okay?“ He asks carefully. Kyungsoo takes the bottle and nods.

„Yeah, I am.“

„You don’t have to lie, you know.“ Baekhyun mumbles. „It’s weird… seeing you guys act like strangers.“ 

Kyungsoo’s grip on the bottle tightens a little as he shrugs his shoulders. „Well. Isn’t that what we are?“ He asks and looks up into Baekhyun’s eyes. His friend gives him a sad smile. 

„It’ll be okay.“ Baekhyun sighs. „This will be an amazing week. I’ll make sure of it.“

Kyungsoo smiles at that. „I’m suddenly concerned.“ 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes but smiles too before his expression gets serious. „Hey, Soo.“ Baekhyun licks his lips. „Jongin, he… was really nervous about seeing you.“ Baekhyun says and looks at him hesitatingly.

„So?“ Kyungsoo asks, an uneasy look on his face. 

Baekhyun groans a little and brings his hands up to rub it over his face. „I know what he did to you. And I know he was an asshole; all of us know that. And I swear I’m not telling you to— to forgive him because he doesn’t deserve that. But Soo, he just. He seems regretful. The way he just looked at you—“

„Baek“ Kyungsoo starts and sighs tiredly. „Please don’t.“

„Leave him alone, Baek.“ Chanyeol says through a mouthful as he passes them, a bowl of salad in his hands.

Baekhyun and him stare at each other for a moment before Baekhyun sighs. „I’m sorry. I know it must’ve been hard for you to come here.“ 

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. „I’m fine, I promise.“ He gives Baekhyun a last smile before he turns around to carry the bottle over to the table. He hears Jongdae’s loud laughter and Yixing whining about something which only makes the former laugh louder. The dinner table comes into view and he smiles to himself. It’s cheerful, everyone seems genuinely happy and as Kyungsoo looks around and into their beaming faces, he feels thrown back in time, when they last had been here a few years ago.

Things were so much easier back then. 

And then hears something that makes him halt in his steps.

A soft laugh, hushed, like the person is trying to keep quiet.

His eyes flicker over there on their own, because some things never change, and Kyungsoo’s never been able to control himself around Jongin.

He’s sitting between Minseok and Sehun and Sehun is leaning close to his ear, probably telling a joke. Jongin’s eyes are crinkled up and he’s smiling down at the table top and Kyungsoo wants to smile too because he kind of looks happy despite the tired edges that seem to have settled into his face. 

And then, as if Jongin can sense him watching, the younger’s eyes flicker up to lock with Kyungsoo’s right away. 

His stomach drops upon getting caught staring and it’s only been-

It’s only been a few minutes and Kyungsoo is already getting weak.

Jongin doesn’t look away, and Kyungsoo feels heady because this is Jongin, someone he used to know everything about, used to spend almost every hour of the day with a few years ago. 

He can’t quite believe just how weird it is to just look at him. Not only because it feels like his heart is cracking a little, but also because it’s like looking at… a picture of some sorts. 

This isn’t the Jongin he used to know. He doesn’t know this Jongin, wouldn’t know how to act around him. Doesn’t know what he’s going to do next when back in time, he used to be able to predict all of Jongin’s moves. 

„You’re such a liar.“ It’s Jongdae who’s whispering into his ear.

Kyungsoo finally tears his eyes away. „What?“

Jongdae gives him a small smile, leans close to his ear. „You guys will never change, will you?“ 

„I’m not—“ Kyungsoo starts but he can feel it; can feel Jongin’s eyes on him and he hates how he just wants to turn around to look back. He can deny it all he wants but it’s hard to put into words just how much Kyungsoo has missed him. Everything about him. He wants to wrap his arms around him to see if Kyungsoo is still just tall enough to hook his chin over Jongin’s shoulder.

And it’s so bad, because he’s supposed to have left all of this behind him by now. He thought he had. 

„You weren’t staring at him?“ Jongdae whispers, leaning a little closer.

Kyungsoo turns his head, leaning back a little when their noses almost touch with how close Jongdae is. „I’m not here to— I didn’t come here to get him back or whatever it is you’re implying.“ 

Jongdae snorts softly. „I know you didn’t.“ He whispers and his eyes flicker to somewhere behind Kyungsoo. „But he obviously did.“ Kyungsoo looks where he’s and he finds Jongin staring at him; at them. Jongdae snickers quietly and walks away and Kyungsoo watches Jongin’s eyes follow Jongdae’s form all the way to the table with an irritated look on his face.

And Kyungsoo just shakes his head to himself as he joins them at the table, sitting down on the empty space between Chanyeol and Jongdae. 

Once they start eating he’s thankfully spared from Jongdae’s judging glances because everyone is busy asking about each other’s lives and what they’ve missed out on ever since they last saw each other. 

Kyungsoo keeps his eyes on his plate most of the time, looking up to meet his friends’ eyes since he knows it’s not polite otherwise. He doesn’t look at Jongin, even though something seems to be tugging at his eyes, urging him to take a look. 

„Now!“ Baekhyun suddenly says loudly, obviously to gain everyone’s attention, which is very effective since everyone goes silent instantly. „On to the more important questions of the evening…“ He folds his fingers together, a stupid grin on his face.

Chanyeol laughs, like he knows what his best friend is going to say already. 

„Which of you lucky bastards have found a significant other? And don’t fucking tell me you’re still single I’m honestly going to flip shit—“

„Do you have to curse in every single sentence?“ Minseok shakes his head at him. 

„Right?“ Jongdae cackles. „He’s gotten worse since college and we all know how much a foul mouth he had back then!“

Everyone at the table agrees and Kyungsoo can’t help but laugh at the offended look on Baekhyun’s face.

„Hello? I’m sitting right fucking—“ He stops when Minseok raises his eyebrows at him, clearing his throat. „I would appreciate it you guys would stop avoiding my question. Thank you.“ 

His friends roll their eyes at Baekhyun’s words and Chanyeol ruffles his head, telling him to stop acting like an idiot. 

No one really says anything so Baekhyun rolls his eyes. „Hold your fucking hands up if you’re seeing someone! See? You _make_ me swear, it’s not my fault!“

Kyungsoo puts his fork down, not really looking forward to this. 

He hates it; hates how his heart beats anxiously.

He’s _scared_.

That Jongin is going to lift his hand.

His eyes flicker over to him and Jongin is looking down at his lap; his hands stay down.

Surprisingly, Minseok raises his hand. So does Yixing. 

But Jongin’s hands stay down, and he looks up, looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes, and Kyungsoo’s heart clenches in his chest.

Kyungsoo feels his eyes sting with frustration upon the _relief_ that floods through his body.

He’s so relieved that there isn’t anyone in Jongin’s life.

It should be gone. Those feelings should be gone. 

„No way!“ Sehun exclaims then when he sees the sheepish look on Yixing’s face. „Hyung, when did that happen?!“ 

They talk about their girlfriends, how they met, how happy they are.

Yixing says that he’s planning on proposing to her soon with so much fondness in his eyes, and Kyungsoo just feels genuinely happy for him. 

„Wait—“ Junmyeon says a few minutes into teasing Minseok about this new girl he’s been dating for a couple of months. „Soo, what happened to Jaeyong?“

Kyungsoo tenses at the question. „Oh, uhm…“ He clears his throat quickly, not liking how everyone’s eyes are on him. 

Jaeyong and him met at a meeting between their companies last year and somehow hit it off. 

Well, as far as Kyungsoo’s definition of hitting it off goes. 

As stupid as it sounds, it was like while he was trying to stop himself for still yearning for someone he could never have, he didn’t really want to find someone else either. And he wasn’t stupid, he always noticed when someone tried to flirt with him, or ask for his number, and he always did the same. 

Decline with a polite smile and a lie to get him out of the situation. 

But Jaeyong didn’t really give up when Kyungsoo refused to go out for dinner with him. He kept trying, over and over, until one day he stood on Kyungsoo’s doorstep with a bunch of stupid flowers in his arms and a pout on his lips and a desperate „Please, I’m running out of ideas.“

And Kyungsoo still remembers his exact thoughts in that moment, when he looked at that pout, and the big eyes, and how much they reminded him of Jongin.

He knew even then, when he finally gave in, that he only did it because he couldn’t handle puppy eyes like that, but also because Jaeyong did a lot of things Jongin used to do. 

But Jongin wasn’t in his life, so Kyungsoo tried to settle for the next best thing, which wasn’t only pathetic, but also unfair to Jaeyong.

Which was why, after a few months of dating, Kyungsoo couldn’t handle the guilt that was eating him up from the inside any longer.

He told Jaeyong the truth, and the latter accepted it with a tight smile, kind and understanding despite the hurt in his eyes.

It’s not like Kyungsoo is still hung up on that, but talking about it still makes him feel guilty, makes him want to apologize to Jaeyong until the day he dies, even if the other probably has moved on from him rather quickly.

Because apparently people don’t find it hard to move on from him. 

„We broke up a few months back.“ He says and Junmyeon closes his mouth, an understanding look on his face. 

„I’m sorry.“ He says, and Kyungsoo quickly shakes his head.

„No, it’s okay. We’re still friends.“ 

Which is a lie. He hasn’t talked to Jaeyong ever since, but he’s fine, and he’s pretty sure Jaeyong’s fine too, so that’s that.

His friends nod and then move on to another topic and Kyungsoo relaxes his shoulders, glad that the attention isn’t on him anymore.

And his eyes only slide over once, just for a second, to see Jongin there, looking very small, with his eyes focused on his plate and his eyebrows furrowed. 

Kyungsoo used to tell him stop doing that, because Jongin always did it when he was frustrated or irritated, and he’d rub it away with his thumb, saying that it would give the younger wrinkles before he had reached the age of thirty.

Right now, there’s nothing he can do, and he can’t help but think that the topic from before has caused that look.

Sehun leans over to the boy, whispers something into Jongin’s ear to which the latter shrugs without lifting his gaze. Sehun sighs and wraps his arm around Jongin’s shoulder, squeezing his arm, showing support, giving comfort like best friends do. 

And this is when Kyungsoo looks away with hurt flashing through his chest. 

Because he used to be the one to comfort the boy whenever he was upset. And he also used to be the one to sit next to Jongin, trying to stop his best friend from nearly climbing into his lap with how close Jongin always wanted to be to him. 

There’s an arm wrapping around his own shoulders and he knows it’s Chanyeol because no one else has large hands like that. „You okay?“ Chanyeol whispers into his ear.

Kyungsoo tries not to hunch his shoulders up too much. He’s never like this, so weak, so vulnerable, but he guesses he’s always been like this when it came to Jongin. It feels like the boy is squeezing his fingers around his throat with how difficult it is to breathe from just being in the same room as him. But Kyungsoo looks up instead, gives him a what he hopes to be reassuring smile. „Yeah.“ 

He doesn’t look to his left anymore for the rest of the dinner, even if his skin prickles whenever he can feel someone else looking at him instead. 

 

 

 

After a long round of rock paper scissors Sehun and Chanyeol end up having to do all of the dishes which frankly, makes Kyungsoo feels bad for them. Because there’s a lot.

He’s pretty sure he hasn’t seen this many dirty dishes since his brother’s wedding dinner back at his parents’ home. 

The guys are nice enough to clean the table though and when Sehun sees the staple of plates that Kyungsoo carries to the kitchen the younger looks like he might actually start to cry.

„What have I ever done to you?“ He wants to know when Baekhyun passes him with a huge box full of beer that he carries inside from the balcony where must’ve put them to let them chill.

Baekhyun snorts but he also looks like he might drop the box any moment. Chanyeol rolls his eyes and pries the box from his hands without a struggle, placing it on the floor to the side. „We’re here for a week. All of us are going to have to it sooner or later. Just see it like this: You two will already have had your turns!“ 

Sehun only grumbles something under his breath about the coming meals not being nearly as big as the one from tonight. 

Junmyeon enters the already crowded kitchen with some wine glasses and starts smiling as soon as he sees the pout on Sehun’s face.

„Hyung!“ Sehun whines, stepping into Junmyeon’s arms who makes a warning sound and spreads them so the delicate glasses won’t get crushed. „Help me…“ 

But Junmyeon only chuckles, turns his head to mumble something into Sehun’s ear which Kyungsoo can’t hear. 

He is surprised though, because the both of them didn’t use to be this close, but right now Sehun snuggles even further into Junmyeon and the latter has a fond smile on his face and Kyungsoo thinks he must’ve missed something huge. 

Baekhyun’s grin that he shoots him only is prove of that.

His grin fades when he seems to spot something behind Kyungsoo, who out of reflex turns around only to be met with a huge stack of plates and bowls that sway dangerously and Kyungsoo reaches out to steady them without thinking, his hands finding the person’s forearms to secure them and he knows it’s Jongin without even looking up because no one else has skin like that.

He knows he should let go but he forgot how nice it felt to touch him, didn’t expect it to still feel like this. He wants to run his fingers down, to his fingers, between the spaces there, he wants it so much and the feeling isn’t new. 

It’s always been like this. Kyungsoo wanting, feeling things he shouldn’t, and it hasn’t changed a bit. Not one fucking bit. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_„Why do_ we _have to do the dishes?“_

_Jongin has been pouting for the last ten minutes._

_They lost rock paper scissors, which is why they have to take care of the dirty dishes and left overs from the party at Minho’s house._

_„Stop whining.“ Kyungsoo snorts. „It doesn’t get easier that way.“_

_Jongin just whines some more, his forearms soaked with foam as he rubs the sponge over the dirty plates. „At least I get to do it with you.“_

_Kyungsoo smiles, and turns his head away for a second to make sure nothing shows, nothing that could give away just how much stupid little comments like these make him feel. „I don’t know. Minseok would’ve been done with the plates by now.“ He says and Jongin gasps._

_„What?“ He asks, genuine hurt flashing over his face. „You don’t mean that.“_

_Kyungsoo shrugs, smiling as he rinses off some cups._

_„Hyung.“ Jongin mumbles. „You don’t mean that, right? I’m your favorite.“_

_„I never said that.“_

_„But you’re my favorite?“ Jongin tries. He has stopped washing the dishes, there’s a cup in his hands, dripping water to the floor. „You’re my favorite and I’m yours. That’s how Jongin and Kyungsoo works.“_

_Kyungsoo hums. „Is that so.“_

_„Stop.“ Jongin says. „I know you love me.“_

_„If you say so.“_

_„Stop it!“ Jongin pouts again. „Hyung…“_

_And Jongin isn’t paying attention again, which is why the cup in his hand slips through his wet fingers and lands of the floor with a piercing crash, breaking into a bunch of little pieces at their feet. „Oh shit!“_

_„Jongin“ Kyungsoo groans at the shards that are on Jongin’s socks and well, everywhere else too_

_„I’m sorry..“ Jongin says._

_„It’s okay- just, don’t move okay?“ He shakes the droplets from his hands before he squats down carefully in order to pick the big shards from Jongin’s socks before the boy can pull them off. They’ll have to vacuum the floor too because there’s too many tiny pieces he knows he’ll oversee._

_„Be careful-“ Jongin starts and - for what reason Kyungsoo doesn’t know - moves his foot. „Ow!“ He hisses, probably having stepped on a shard, and Kyungsoo get’s startled and of course it has to happen, he pricks his thumb on one tiny shard, and it’s not bad, he’s not going to bleed to death, but it still hurts._

_He pulls his hand to his chest with a small whimper, inspecting the cut that’s already bleeding a little._

_Jongin squats down in front of him and Kyungsoo groans again. „Don’t move you idiot! You’re making it worse.“_

_But Jongin doesn’t listen (when does he ever?) and curls his fingers around Kyungsoo’s wrist, pulling his hand closer to look at the cut. „I’m sorry.“ He pouts upon seeing it._

_Kyungsoo chuckles, his features softening upon seeing the genuine distress on Jongin’s face. He looks so endearing._

_„It’s just a cut.“_

_Jongin shrugs and suddenly leans down to press his lips against Kyungsoo’s thumb softly, giving a kiss to the cut, and Kyungsoo shudders a bit._

_It’s a sight that makes his heart swell in his chest for the boy and he wonders just how big his chest is because he’s not sure if there’s enough place for how big his love for Jongin is._

_When Jongin pulls back Kyungsoo can barely feel the sting of the cut. „There. Better.“ Jongin says, smiling up at him._

_Kyungsoo wants to kiss him so much. His eyes flicker to his lips and a nervous smile spread on his face. „Now you’ve got my blood on your lips.“_

_Jongin looks like he’s going to lick it off, and he would, because he’s an idiot like that. „Don’t lick it off!“_

_„Why not?“_

_Kyungsoo snorts softly and reaches his uninjured thumb out to wipe away the little smear of blood there on his bottom lip. It’s soft beneath his fingers, and as he runs it over his lips, his other fingers cradling Jongin’s face and Jongin staring down at him like this, like he always does, Kyungsoo thinks this is where they are supposed to kiss._

_Because they’re only a breath apart, and Kyungsoo’s heart has slowed down almost like in anticipation for something that’ll never happen._

_He pulls his hand away, Jongin’s bottom lip moving with it only to plop back in it’s place softly. Kyungsoo imagines it doing that if they would kiss, when Kyungsoo would bite at Jongin’s lips, pulling…_

_Kyungsoo gulps, smiles up at him, a little out of breath. „All gone.“_

_Jongin opens his mouth to say something but there’s a groan coming from behind them and an annoyed „You two idiots, I swear.“_

_Kyungsoo turns back to see Taemin standing by the fridge, shaking his head at the two of them and the mess of shards around them._

_„Minho! Where the fuck do you have your hoover?!“_

 

 

 

 

 

He looks up, finds Jongin staring down at him with a nervous look on his face. His arms are shaking, probably from holding all the heavy dishes.

„Sorry.“ Jongin mumbles and Kyungsoo immediately removes his fingers. 

It’s gone silent in the kitchen. Kyungsoo wonders if it’s going to be like this for the rest of the week. It feels like everyone’s waiting for either of them to explode, which to be honest, Kyungsoo thinks it might be him, because his heart wants to burst. 

„It’s okay.“ He utters without thinking and Jongin’s eyes widen a fraction, like he’s surprised Kyungsoo even gave him an answer. But that’s just how Kyungsoo is.

Stupid, probably, but weak most of all, because he can’t be rude when he probably should. Most people wouldn’t give Jongin the light of the day, but then again, most people wouldn’t feel like running away from how much they still felt for the person that has made it clear just how little they cared for you years ago. 

Jongin opens his mouth, but then closes it again and his eyes move around the kitchen, all of their friends acting like they’re busy with something when the both of them know that they’re aware of all unspoken words in the air. Jongin looks back at him, his mouth closed and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do. 

He feels like, if Jongin were to ask him, he’d forgive him without hesitation.

And that’s just… that’s just not okay. 

He takes a step back, and almost stops in his tracks when Jongin opens his mouth, moves like he’s going to say wait but Kyungsoo is already side stepping him, hurrying out of the kitchen before he does something stupid.

He catches Jongdae’s worried look but ignores it because he just needs a minute to breathe, to clear his head.

He walks to his assigned bedroom and it’s dark here, silent, and he feels so heady because Jongin is down there and if things were different, he would probably be curled up with him by the fire place together with their friends.

He wouldn’t be up here hiding like the pathetic being he is, struggling to sort out his thoughts.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair for Jongin to crumble his entire world, leave Kyungsoo alone to pick up the pieces and put himself back together and when he finally managed to move on, come back like this and tear everything down again. 

„Fuck…“ He whispers and sits down on the bed, not even bothering to flick on the lights as he holds his head in his hands. He feels another migraine coming and he just really doesn’t need that right now. 

There’s a knock on the door a few seconds later and Kyungsoo doesn’t move to open it, knows that whoever it is will come in either way.

He’s right, because the next second the door creaks open, light from the hallway streaming into the otherwise dark room. „Soo?“ Jongdae mumbles. 

Kyungsoo gulps to make his voice come out even. „Yeah?“

Jongdae steps in and closes the door behind himself. He doesn’t turn on the lights either. „What are you doing?“

„Sitting.“ 

„I can see that.“ Jongdae chuckles softly and even though Kyungsoo can’t see him apart from the little light streaming in through the windows he can feel him sit down beside him. „Why are you sitting _here_ and not with us?“ 

Kyungsoo lifts his head up, resting his arms on his knees, fingers twisted together tightly between his knees. „Migraines.“ He lies.

Jongdae hums, but it’s mocking. „You didn’t think this through, did you?“

„I don’t know what you mean.“

„I mean that you didn’t think this would happen.“ Jongdae says. „Or did you know you’d turn back into your old self as soon as you see him again?“ 

Kyungsoo gulps, wanting nothing but hide away because of how right Jongdae is. 

He feels embarrassed of himself, for being so weak and naive, especially after promising to everyone that he was over this. „I just—“ He starts, then shrugs helplessly. He doesn’t know how to explain without sounding stupid. „I thought I was. I thought I was fine. I don’t know.“ He chuckles, gulping around the sudden lump in his throat.

It’s silent for a moment. „Do you still love him?“ Jongdae asks quietly.

And Kyungsoo thinks, wrong question; _did I ever stop_? 

„I don’t know.“ Is what he says.

Is he still in love with Jongin? _His_ Jongin? 

Probably…

Does he love the man downstairs? The one who can barely look him in the eyes anymore? 

He shouldn’t; that’s all he knows.

„We both know what that really means, Soo.“ Jongdae says, but it doesn’t sound harsh for once.

It’s understanding. 

„I’m stupid.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. „I deserve this. For being so stupid.“

„Yeah.“ Jongdae chuckles quietly but sighs once Kyungsoo doesn’t react to it. „Soo.“ There’s a hand on his nape, squeezing, comforting. „You’re not stupid. I… kind of knew this would happen. Do you seriously think I believed you every time you said you forgot about him?“ 

„But I did.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head. „I didn’t _lie_. I really— I just really thought I did.“ 

„Well. Hate to break it to you but people can’t just forget about a person they loved the way you loved Jongin.“ 

Loved… Past tense.

Why does it sound so wrong to his ears when it’s the only right thing in his situation?

„Hey.“ Jongdae whispers. „Don’t beat yourself up over this. This isn’t your fault. Love’s a weird thing. It’s not like you can control which asshole you fall in love with.“ 

Kyungsoo keeps silent, rubbing at the skin between his thumb and index finger nervously. 

„Let’s just see what happens.“ Jongdae says then. „He won’t pull the same move on you again this time; I’ll make sure of it.“

„What’s that supposed to mean?“ Kyungsoo asks carefully. „Jongdae, I don’t— I’m not even sure if I can talk to him.“

„Of course you can.“ Jongdae interrupts him. „Look, you know about my opinion on Jongin. I still hate his guts for doing that to you back then, and I’m pretty sure the guys haven’t forgiven him for that completely either. We all saw you, okay? You weren’t yourself anymore, and he wasn’t either, and it still hurts to think about.“

„I haven’t ever seen you cry, except that one night.“ Jongdae mumbles and Kyungsoo looks down at the ground. „You have no idea how much I wanted to punch him for doing that to you.“

He doesn’t like to think about it because it’s stupid and embarrassing. 

It was one of those nights, where you have a dream, one that’s so peaceful and beautiful the world comes crashing down on you a little after waking up and finding that it wasn’t anything but a dream. 

He still doesn’t know why he broke down that night like that, after waking up from a dream where Jongin was smiling at him so brightly, laughing about something. He woke up to the darkness of his dorm, Jongin’s face still burning on the back of his eyelids, realizing that he was in fact alone, and that Jongin wasn’t with him anymore, and that Kyungsoo hadn’t heard his laughter in over six months. 

He had tried to be silent but a small sob escaped him and Jongdae heard, and got up from his bed, slid into Kyungsoo’s without a word and held him while Kyungsoo cried silently. He didn’t say anything, they didn’t speak about it the next day and Kyungsoo will forever be grateful for that. 

„What I’m trying to say is… no matter what happens, if you decide that you don’t want to talk to him, that’s totally fine. We’d all understand.“ Jongdae goes on. „And if you forgive him, no one’s going to blame you for that either. Heck, I’m pretty sure most of us would be more than just happy about a comeback of Jongin and Kyungsoo.“

„We all just want you to be happy, and right now you’re not. And Jongin isn’t either.“ 

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. „I don’t really know anything right now.“ 

„I know.“ Jongdae says, his hand quickly ruffling through Kyungsoo’s hair. „You don’t have to.“

„But let’s go downstairs now. We all missed you. Try and enjoy our time together for now, okay?“ 

Kyungsoo looks to his side, sees Jongdae’s face a little clearer now that his eyes have gotten used to the darkness. „Thank you.“ He mumbles.

„Anything for you.“ Jongdae chuckles and pulls him into a hug. Kyungsoo smiles into his shoulder and hugs him back, not really understanding how he deserves a friend like Jongdae.

 

 

 

 

It’s an hour later, probably somewhere around ten, when they’re sitting in the living room on the floor, with the fireplace lit, Yixing’s weird indie songs playing in the background and booze enough to last for weeks, that Kyungsoo manages to relax a little. 

„No, fuck you!“ Sehun exclaims from where he sitting on the floor. „I never even looked at Suzy, she just went on and spread rumors about me because I wouldn’t let her suck me off.“

„You sure that wasn’t the other way around?“ Minseok asks. 

„As far as I know Suzy didn’t have a dick.“ Chanyeol mumbles. Kyungsoo frowns at his question; how many beers did Chanyeol have?

Sehun gives him a _what the fuck_ look before shaking his head. „As I was saying, I never offered her money for that! That’s fucking stupid.“

Kyungsoo laughs a little. He’s trying to keep quiet, which is stupid, but he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. Especially not when Jongin is sitting only a few feet away, and he’s being strangely quiet too, sipping on his beer and smiling to himself at their friends’ bickering.

If things were different, Kyungsoo would walk over, and he’d throw and arm around Jongin’s shoulders, and the younger would smile at him and snuggle closer like the puppy he used to be. 

But they don’t even look at each other.

„Why are you getting so worked up about that anyways?“ Baekhyun asks, rolling his eyes. „That was years ago.“ 

„Because I was never that desperate!“ Sehun cries. „I could have had everyone at that school; who the hell even believed that stupid shit? Like I would go around offering people money to touch their smelly vaginas!“

Everyone laughs again, all of them a little tipsy at this point. 

Junmyeon reaches his hand out and ruffles Sehun’s hair. „Calm down, Sehunnie.“ He mumbles. Sehun looks at him and shuffles closer.

„They’re being mean.“ He whines. Junmyeon chuckles and pulls the boy into his side, pressing his nose into his hair and Kyungsoo just takes another sip from his beer, too confused to question whatever it is that’s going on there.

„Hey“ Jongdae suddenly speaks up. „Do you remember when everyone thought Chanyeol and Kyungsoo were fucking?“ 

Kyungsoo’s head shoots up at the words, sending a warning look to Jongdae who only winks in response.

His friends all burst out laughing.

Most of them. 

Jongin is staring at the bottle of beer in his hands like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. 

„Oh my god, that was hilarious!“ Baekhyun laughs. „I wish I still had that picture.“

Kyungsoo flushes as he remembers that.

He had chased Chanyeol through the entire building because that idiot had dropped his new phone into the toilet after trying to take selfies with it in the bathroom, and Chanyeol had been dressed in nothing but a towel and he had dropped it in the hallway and hugged Kyungsoo in order to cover himself when other students had passed by.

Someone had taken a picture and hung it on the walls and well… it was all a mess and Kyungsoo would like to forget about it. 

Chanyeol doesn’t seem to mind it; he’s laughing as loud as everyone else. „Ah yes. Good times. But you know, Soo. You didn’t have to chase me like that; I wouldn’t have said no if you wanted me that bad.“ He shuffles closer and throws an arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and if Kyungsoo wasn’t busy trying to stop himself from blushing he would punch that idiot. „I mean, look at you. You’re quite the catch.“

„Shut up.“ He grunts, but it gets lost among the laughter of their friends. 

Chanyeol leans closer to whisper into his ear. „I’m joking Soo. Just play along.“ 

Kyungsoo turns to look at him, confused but then Chanyeol nods his head to somewhere to Kyungsoo’s left. Kyungsoo knows who’s there but he glances there either way, because while their friends are busy laughing and chatting about that incident between him and Chanyeol, Jongin is sitting there silently.

He’s toying with the label of his bottle, doesn’t seem as amused by the current topic as everyone else and the frown on his face makes something twist strangely in Kyungsoo’s stomach. 

He gets it.

Gets what Chanyeol is trying to do.

And when Jongdae smirks at him, he knows he’s doing it too.

And he doesn’t like it. 

Jongin looks genuinely distressed, like he wants to disappear, and it’s so damn hard to just sit here and do nothing when he knows that Jongin is upset.

But it’s different, because this time Kyungsoo is the source of his distress. 

And suddenly Jongin looks up, and Kyungsoo is only listening with half an ear to the conversation around him, because Jongin is looking at him and he forgets about how much time it took to try and forget him.

Because no one else has ever been able to make his heart hurt like this and he still does it, with the way he’s looking at Kyungsoo, like he almost… Jongin looks he wants to cross the room, to Kyungsoo’s side. 

And the question in his eyes, the flash of hurt, the way his Adam’s apple moves when he gulps while neither of them dares to blink; it all makes him feel miserable.

Chanyeol suddenly moves and Kyungsoo barely knows what’s happening but he can’t stop it; all he can think is _Jongin, Jongin, Jongin_ …

There’s a sudden pressure on his temple, and it’s only when Jongin’s eyes flicker to the movement, his eyebrows furrowing while a set of emotions flash through his eyes that Kyungsoo realizes that Chanyeol just kissed him.

And before he can ask Chanyeol what the fuck he’s doing Jongin gets up from the floor and Kyungsoo just stares at the beer in his hands because he knows what’s coming. 

„What are you doing?“ He hears Sehun ask. 

„Sorry, I’m just going to go crash.“ He hears Jongin’s voice, so soft and soothing that he has to press his eyes closed just so he won’t look up at him. 

„Are you okay?“ Junmyeon asks. „You don’t look so good. You’re not sick, are you?“

It’s silent and Kyungsoo swears he feels Jongin’s eyes on him for a second. Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder tightens right then. „No I’m fine. Just tired from the trip. Goodnight guys.“

Their friends all say goodbye to him, Chanyeol a little too cheerful for it to be normal, and Kyungsoo feels so bad. 

„I’m sorry.“ Chanyeol mumbles into his ear and when Kyungsoo looks up at him tiredly his friend only sighs. „But he needs a fucking push.“

Kyungsoo doesn’t get it; he’s not even sure if he wants to. 

He just wants to get up and follow Jongin, to make sure the boy is okay.

And that’s why he accepts the next three bottles of beer that get offered to him.

 

 

 

 

They all go to bed around midnight, all of them tired from the long drive up here and the booze making their limbs feel heavy. 

It feels nice when he finally goes to bed, knowing that all of his friends are sleeping close to him when normally it’s just him in his cold apartment. It’s nice, knowing that he’ll wake up to a full house, to laughter and stupid jokes. It genuinely is like they were thrown back in time, just with the difference that they aren’t nearly as broke as they used to be and some of them have one or two grey strands of hair from working overtime.

And even though Kyungsoo feels more than just ready to sleep for the next twelve hours, sleep doesn’t come easy. 

His mind is filled with Jongin and it’s strange, because this hasn’t happened in at least a year, and now it’s like Jongdae has said. Like he has turned back into the Kyungsoo he was in college. 

Jongin is sleeping somewhere so close and Kyungsoo, just because he seems to be a masochist, wonders if Jongin can’t sleep either.

Which is stupid because he went to bed hours ago. 

He falls asleep somewhere between wondering who is going to clean the mess in the living room tomorrow and thinking about the look on Jongin’s face when Chanyeol kissed his temple.

 

 

 

 

The next morning he gets woken up by someone blasting a song from a cheery pop song blasting through the entire house, the sweet voices of the girls way too cheerful for this time in the morning, and this is coming from Kyungsoo who isn’t really all that grumpy after waking up.

He pulls himself out of bed and decides to take a quick shower before he heads downstairs, because it’s only five minutes to nine and he knows most of his friends won’t be awake for at least another hour, no matter how hard the person who’s responsible for the concert downstairs is trying to disturb their slumber.

The shower feels nice, not only because he has his own bathroom in his room, but also because he feels the stress from the last few weeks at work deep in his bones, and the warmth seeps it all away to a certain extent. 

 

When he heads down the song has changed to „Fantastic Baby“ and it makes him smile, because there’s a lot of memories coming up when he hears the familiar melody. As he’s heading down the corridor, a door to his right opens, revealing a sleepy and annoyed Sehun. 

„Fucking Baekhyun.“ He slurs, probably not even noticing Kyungsoo as he crosses the corridor to walk into the bathroom there.

Kyungsoo merely smiles and walks through little streams of sunlight that shine through the window by the stairs. 

The music gets louder as he reaches the ground floor and the living room looks surprisingly clean, no empty beer bottles scattered around. It smells sweet, like a mixture of apples and sugar, and he guesses that there’s a scented candle somewhere because there’s no way one of his friends managed to bake something that ends up being edible. 

„Soo!“ Baekhyun greets him when Kyungsoo walks into the kitchen.

Junmyeon and Minseok are there too, both of them sitting at the bar counter, drinking their coffees. 

„Morning.“ He greets them and slides into the seat beside Minseok.

„Slept well?“ Minseok asks him with a smile.

Kyungsoo rubs at his eyes, smiling back. „Like a baby. The bed was really comfortable.“ 

„Obviously; would be a shame if it wasn’t. Probably costs more than my entire being.“ Baekhyun sends a smirk to Junmyeon while he fills a cup of coffee for Kyungsoo, sliding it over the counter for him.

„Shut up. You’d better invest in your mattresses too; I haven’t had back problems ever since college, you know.“ Junmyeon snorts back. 

„Don’t you want to turn that off?“ Kyungsoo asks, pointing to the living room where the music is blasting from the sound system.

„No. They need to get their asses up. We didn’t come here so they could sleep in until lunch time!“ Baekhyun says. 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes and Kyungsoo just silently takes a sip from coffee, just as Sehun shuffles into the kitchen, still looking pissed off like he did upstairs.

He straight up walks to Junmyeon where he buries his face in the older’s neck, whining there pathetically. Junmyeon chuckles and brings a hand up to run it through his hair, mumbling a quiet „Morning“ to which Sehun only curls further into him.

Baekhyun makes gagging noises and Kyungsoo shoots Minseok a questioning look, which is returned by a shy smile and a shrug of his shoulders. 

„Here you go you whiny brat.“ Baekhyun says as he slides another cup of coffee over to Sehun who only grunts in response, arms now curled around Junmyeon’s torso. 

Baekhyun then opens up some cabinets, taking various boxes out, and there are eggs too so Kyungsoo assumes he’s preparing breakfast. 

Baekhyun’s a good cook, but Kyungsoo knows how frustrating it is to cook for so many people, so he gets up even if he’s still tired as hell, washing his hands.

„What are you making?“ He asks. 

Baekhyun gives him a thankful smile. „Poached eggs, and there’s still some noodle soup left from yesterday so I was thinking we could just add some stuff to it so there’s more.“

Kyungsoo nods. „We should make some rice too. I don’t think this will be enough for everyone.“ 

„Guys, do we even have enough food for the entire week?“ Minseok asks then. 

„No but there’s a little market only ten minutes away that opened a few months ago, so no worries.“ Junmyeon states which Kyungsoo is glad about. 

While Baekhyun and him are busy preparing the food, the other three are chatting about Junmyeon’s business. Well, Sehun is only listening, now half sitting on Junmyeon’s lap as he’s nearly falling asleep again. 

„If they aren’t up in half an hour I’m going to throw a bucket of snow over their heads.“ Baekhyun grumbles a while later when no one from upstairs seems to want to wake up any time soon. 

Sehun grunts softly, shaking his head. „Let Jongin sleep for a while longer.“ 

„Uhm, no? He doesn’t get extra treatment just because he’s a lazy fuck.“ 

„No.“ Sehun lifts his head, rubbing at his eyes with his fingers. „He couldn’t sleep at all last night.“ 

„Why?“ Junmyeon asks and Kyungsoo pretends that he’s slicing the carrots when he feels worry bloom in his chest at Sehun’s statement. 

„You know how he is during storms.“ Sehun mumbles. 

Kyungsoo didn’t even realize there had been a snow storm. He must’ve been really tired. 

It makes him feel bad all of a sudden, even though it shouldn’t. It’s not his fault that Jongin couldn’t sleep, and it’s not his responsibility anymore to make sure he gets enough sleep either. 

„But there’s a snow storm almost every night during these months.“ Junmyeon frowns at him. „How did he manage last time?“ 

It goes silent in the kitchen for a moment, only the song from the sound system filling up the silence, and Kyungsoo tightens his hold on the knife, keeps cutting as to not show that he’s affected by the conversation. 

Everyone knows how Jongin managed last time.

„Oh.“ Junmyeon mumbles quietly. „Sorry Kyungsoo, I didn’t think…“

Kyungsoo looks up then, shakes his head. „There’s nothing to be sorry about.“ He smiles. 

„But—“

„Seriously guys.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „Please stop this. It’s been a long time. I’m over it.“

They don’t look convinced, instead they’re all giving Kyungsoo this… sympathy, something he doesn’t need, and doesn’t want.

He’s not some heartbroken person. Everyone experiences heartbreak at one point in their lives, but like everyone else, they move on and they use the experience to be a little stronger and well, Kyungsoo certainly isn’t as vulnerable anymore.

That’s what he likes to tell himself when Jongin isn’t involved because he knows like everyone else in the room that he isn’t predictable at all when it comes to that boy. All his resolutions fade away as soon as it’s about him and he doubts that will ever change because as Jongdae said, the heart - unfortunately - wants what it wants, and Kyungsoo has always been reaching for the stars, something he can’t ever have.

„Don’t look at me like that.“ He says, to all of them, and he feels bad because he knows his friends only mean well but he doesn’t think he can get overt this if they keep babying him whenever the topic comes up. 

„We want you both to be happy.“ Junmyeon mumbles a little dejectedly. „I was hoping you could sort it out… Did you guys talk at all yesterday?“ 

Kyungsoo shakes his head, frowning down at the sliced carrot. „No.“ 

„Well.“ Baekhyun speaks up, sighing. „A week’s a long time; a lot can happen and this is none of our business.“ 

„But you were coming up with ideas on how to bring them back together before they arrived here yesterday Baekhyun.“ Sehun says, a smirk plastered on his face as he dodges the a slice of onion that Baekhyun throws at him.

Kyungsoo just nods when Baekhyun shoots him an apologetic smile. He’s not mad at anyone. 

Except for himself maybe. 

 

 

While him and Baekhyun are cooking the food the other guys start trailing into the kitchen one by one and it honestly one hell of a mess, with all of them talking at once and Jongdae laughing so loud like he wants to make sure the old couple in the little cabin a little further down the road can her him. 

Once the food is ready and they’re all sitting at the table Sehun stands up, announcing that he’s going to go wake up Jongin.

They all start eating and Kyungsoo is poking around in his vegetables when he hears footsteps from the stairs a few minutes later, Sehun sliding into his seat swiftly while Jongin follows him drowsily.

He looks… well, like he didn’t sleep at all last night. His eyes are swollen and he’s still rubbing them while he mutters a quick thank you to Junmyeon when the latter pours some coffee into his mug. 

„How much sleep did you get?“ Junmyeon asks him. 

Jongin shrugs, clearing his throat. „Enough.“ 

„My mom has some sleeping pills, you know, the nights never really are calm up here…“ Junmyeon says. 

„I’m fine hyung. Thanks.“ Jongin replies, smiling at the older reassuringly. 

And Kyungsoo knows he isn’t the only one that sees right through him.

And he wants to scold Jongin for lying, because the skin beneath his eyes looks so thin.

Sehun fills up Jongin’s plate and Jongin rubs at his eyes some more and his eyes only flicker up for a second, but they find Kyungsoo right away, almost like he knew that Kyungsoo had been watching him.

Jongin blinks and his mouth twitches, into a grimace, and Kyungsoo thinks this is where he would smile, so it’s probably meant to be one.

Kyungsoo stares at him, thinking _you’re so stupid. you look like a zombie. why didn’t you ask sehun to sleep with you?_

And Jongin blinks again, and Kyungsoo thinks he’s losing it because it looks like Jongin can read his mind when he presses his lips together.

**_I’m fine._ **

Kyungsoo tilts his head a fraction. _No, you’re not._

And Jongin smiles now, but it’s solemn, and tired and Kyungsoo misses him. He misses him so much it hurts.

He looks back down at his plate, catches the look Baekhyun shoots him from across the table but he doesn’t want to find out what it means, so he stuffs his mouth with rice and hopes it’ll make him forget about the sleepy looking boy whose eyes are burning the side of his face all the way through breakfast.

 

 

 

After that, Baekhyun decides that they're going to have an Avengers movie marathon. 

And at first, they agree, because they think he's talking about the first and second movie. 

But once he walks down the stairs and dumps an entire stack of DVD's on the coffee table, they quickly realize that Baekhyun actually meant a fucking marathon, starting with Captain America The Super Soldier and ending with Age of Ultron.

So that’s why they spend the entire day watching one movie after the other and by the time they have reached The Winter Soldier it’s already nine and dark outside and they’re surrounded by Pizza leftovers and empty beer bottles. 

Kyungsoo is dozing off against Jongdae who fell asleep after he ate an entire Pizza and stole some pieces from Kyungsoo’s too.

The room is dark, and the lights from the screen are dancing across their faces.

They look especially beautiful on Jongin though.

He’s leaning back against Sehun and they’re both still awake, which is surprising. 

The green and blue and white flashing over Jongin’s pretty skin make it hard to look away, it makes his eyes shine and Kyungsoo is thrown back to the very first moment he laid his eyes on Jongin. It’s weird, that he didn’t realize just how close him and Jongin would get when Taemin introduced the shy boy to him that day.

He tears his eyes away before he can get caught, heart twisting in his chest miserably. 

And then, right before the masked soldier’s face is revealed, he falls asleep.

 

 

 

When he wakes up next, he’s in his bedroom. 

He faintly remembers waking up at around midnight and dragging himself into his bedroom with Jongdae clinging to his arm sleepily. He’s not sure but he thinks he slept through the last two movies which is a shame but honestly, no one managed to stay awake until the end, not even Baekhyun.

It’s still dark outside and he doesn’t know how late it is but he already has a headache from all that beer he drank earlier. 

Kyungsoo is a heavy sleeper, meaning that he normally doesn’t get up at night to pee or drink a glass of water, so he’s not sure what woke him up this time.

But then he hears a rattling sound, and then something close to a howl until he realizes that it’s both from the wind. He sits up in his bed and blearily blinks around, trying to see out of the windows but it’s too dark. 

He gets up to take a closer look and sees- well, nothing. It just looks like there’s a snow storm outside, which isn’t that weird, seeing as they’re in the mountains and he remembers the last time they came here. It always was really stormy during the night. 

By now he just feels annoyed about waking up for nothing, so he slips back into the bed, closing his eyes to try and fall asleep again only to realize that there's an annoying, aching sensation in his lower abdomen.

He has to pee.

Which is also from all the beer he filled his body with. 

„Ugh…“ He tries not to make too much sound when he walks through the dark and silent corridor, not wanting to wake up his friends. And while he's in the bathroom, he's still half asleep, conscious enough to remember to wash his hands before he leaves again. And just as he's about to go back to his room he sees something bright from the corner of his eyes, light coming from downstairs. He frowns, wondering if someone forgot to turn the lights off or if someone is still awake.

Either way, he feels like he should just go back to his room to sleep. 

But then again, he hates wasting energy, and he knows how careless some of the guys here are, so it doesn't seem so far off for them to just forget to turn off the lights.

Sighing, he makes his way to the stairs and walks down carefully, rubbing at his eyes to clear up his bleary vision. 

It's dark at first, until he notices that the light is coming from the kitchen. There's no sound either so he doesn't expect someone to be actually in there, which is why he jumps once he spots them, a hand on his heart since it almost gave him a heart attack. 

The person is sitting with his back to Kyungsoo, at the bar there, head down on his crossed arms and Kyungsoo clamps his mouth shut tightly once he realizes that it's Jongin because of the broad shoulders and the hair, his sun kissed skin.

He's not moving, so Kyungsoo guesses that he's asleep, but that doesn't explain why exactly he's asleep here in the kitchen.

And as if on cue, the wind blows harder against the house, leaves and little sticks hitting against the windows, which makes Jongin flinch and Kyungsoo sees him bury his head some more into his arms.

The sight hurts him to no end. He knows this scenery all too well, from all those nights Jongin used to sneak into his bed whenever there was a storm outside.

No one really knew why Jongin was so scared of storms, he just was, and Kyungsoo still doubts that even Jongin could explain what about it he finds so troubling.

His first instinct is to turn around and sneak away before Jongin can notice him, but he hears Jongin sigh shakily and his feelings for the boy aside, he couldn't just leave anyone here knowing what was going on. A glance at the clock tells him that it's a quarter past three, which makes him cringe.

When did the storm start?

And how long has Jongin been up already?

Kyungsoo shakes his head to himself, fighting an internal battle as his brain tells him to not do something stupid and just go back to bed whereas his heart is urging him to go on which, after a moment of hesitation he does, clearing his throat nervously as to not scare Jongin too much.

Jongin jumps at the sound and turns his head to Kyungsoo.

He looks sleepy and annoyed at first, but once he realizes that it's Kyungsoo, his eyes widen and he sits up on the chair, staring at Kyungsoo with a nervous look in his eyes.

They don't say anything for a while and Kyungsoo looks at the darkness underneath Jongin's eyes and thinks about how much he wants to thumb it away.

Jongin opens his mouth and Kyungsoo isn’t prepared for the sound that comes out, to hear it again for the first time after years. „Kyungsoo…“

His breath hitches and he’s seconds away from turning around and run back to his room, but he doesn’t and he doubts he could, since Jongin’s warm eyes are making him feel all kinds of wrong things.

„Can't sleep?" Kyungsoo suddenly asks, wishes that Jongin wouldn't look so shocked that Kyungsoo even bothers talking to him. 

Jongin clears his throat, nodding slowly. „It’s, the storm. I... Uhm."

„I know." Kyungsoo says quietly and he sees something like pain flash across Jongin's face, similar to what's pulsing in his chest.

I used to lull you back to sleep when it got really bad, do you remember that? 

Kyungsoo can't really stand how Jongin is looking at him, like he waits for something, some kind of words, anger, maybe. 

„Do you want some tea?" Kyungsoo asks instead. Maybe it’s the darkness around them, maybe he’s still half asleep.

And maybe he’s just human and has missed his best friend.

Jongin's eyes flicker over Kyungsoo's features, taking him in, and it's unsettling but something Kyungsoo has missed a lot after Jongin had stopped looking him in the eyes two years ago.

And they go down to his legs, just for a second, which makes Kyungsoo realize that he isn't wearing any pants since he only wears his briefs and a shirt to sleep. 

He flushes once Jongin looks back at his face and then the boy nods.

Kyungsoo walks to where the kettle is standing in the corner of the kitchen counter, eyeing the tea boxes that are neatly sorted there.

Jongin's favorite tea used to be ginger and honey, he's not sure if that is still the case, but he still puts a bag of it into a mug.

And while the water is brewing, filling the silence of the entire house along with the snow storm outside, Kyungsoo is holding on to the counter tightly, because he can feel Jongin staring at him and he should be mad, he should be throwing words at Jongin’s head for being such an asshole, for throwing him around like that. 

But right now, while his entire body feels heavy with Jongin’s burning eyes on him, his presence making his skin feel too tight, too hot, all he wants to do is turn around and ask him to… to just take him back.

Right now he hates that they’re adults, that everything always has to be so complicated, that he had to start having feelings for his best friend, that his heart still isn’t over Jongin even after such a long time, because if they were younger, they would shake hands and go back to being friends.

Forget about every wrong word that’s been said between them, just go back and start over from where things went wrong.

The kettle goes off and Kyungsoo jumps at the sound and quickly pours the water into the mug.

Jongin’s eyes flicker up the tiniest bit when Kyungsoo turns around again and Kyungsoo tries to ignore the fact that he has been staring at nothing but him. He used to stare at Kyungsoo all the time, so it’s nothing new. 

But it kind of is, because they’re different. This is different. 

„I…“ 

_hope you still like ginger._

Kyungsoo bites his tongue before he can say it.

„I hope you like ginger and honey.“ He utters, and it feels wrong as it slips through his lips, like he could ever forget about anything that has to do with Jongin. He places the mug on top of the counter and carefully slides it over so it’s closer to where Jongin is sitting.

Jongin eyes the tea silently. „I do.“ And then he looks up and Kyungsoo gulps when their eyes meet, at the bitter curl of Jongin’s smile, almost like Jongin has noticed his choice of words too. „Thank you.“

„You’re welcome.“ Kyungsoo says.

He adds a tiny nod, and there’s a lot he wants to say, like read something nice, it’ll help you sleep or put in your earplugs so you won’t hear the storm but he ends up staying silent as he turns around to leave. 

Half of him expects Jongin to say something, the other half thinks Jongin’s going to ignore him all over again but in the end, Jongin’s voice cuts through the silence just as Kyungsoo is about to step out of the kitchen. 

„Wait“ 

It’s quiet, and soft, and confused. It’s just Jongin and it makes Kyungsoo stop walking, his fingers curling to press the tips into his palms.

He turns his head to find that Jongin is standing now, his fingers curled into the hem of his shirt, yet another nervous habit he doesn’t seem to have get rid of. A sad smile tugs at the corners of Kyungsoo’s lips but he holds it back, his chest tightening at the sight of Jongin looking so scared, the few meters between them that seem like miles.

„What?“ 

„Can you…“ Jongin starts but he stops, presses his eyes closed and shakes his head. „Stay… please.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at him silently once the words are out.

The way you stayed with me two years ago?

Jongin seems to take Kyungsoo’s silence for refusal. „It’s not just the storm.“ He says. Kyungsoo waits for him to go on. „Can we talk?“

And there is it. The words he’s been dreading ever since he knew about this trip, about Jongin being here too.

He only ever thought this far, never further, too scared of the outcome. 

„It’s two in the morning.“ He states, like he doesn’t realize the meaning behind Jongin’s words, and somehow it feels like their roles are suddenly reversed, with Kyungsoo acting stupid when they both know very well what’s going on. 

„I know.“ Jongin says and then „Just… please. I don’t deserve it but please talk to me.“ 

And it’s the first time Jongin says something related to what made them be the way they are now, so hostile and close to being strangers. 

And maybe Jongin doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t deserve a chance to explain what he did, but Kyungsoo thinks he deserves an explanation, and he tells himself that that’s the only reason why they’re sitting in the living room minutes later, curled up on the couch with a lamp in the corner dusting the room in a dim light. 

The storm doesn’t cease outside and Jongin curls deeper into the blanket around his shoulders every time the shutters rattle from the force of it.

„Your tea.“ Kyungsoo speaks up after the silence gets too suffocating, and Jongin doesn’t do anything but stare into thin air either. It makes him look up and into Kyungsoo’s face at least. „It’s turning cold.“ 

Jongin stares at him silently and Kyungsoo squirms in his seat, not knowing what’s going to happen. It’s scary, not being able to read the person in front of him. He can’t really prepare himself for what’s to come. 

„You wanted to talk.“ Kyungsoo mumbles when Jongin still doesn’t open his mouth. „So talk.“ 

Nothing happens, Jongin’s eyes are cast down, the little wrinkle between his eyebrows is there again too, and Kyungsoo looks at him, waiting, but nothing comes and Kyungsoo is angry, he’s tired and frustrated. 

„I’m going to bed.“ He says, uncurling his legs and standing up.

„No!“ Jongin rushes out and then he’s standing too, hand reaching out almost like he wants to take a hold of Kyungsoo’s own, but he doesn’t. The gesture makes Kyungsoo stop nonetheless, turning his head to find that Jongin is standing way too close.

He’s too close when Kyungsoo looks up, Jongin’s eyes boring into his helplessly. „I’m sorry.“ Jongin croaks.

„Maybe we should.. I don’t know. Talk about this later.“ Kyungsoo suggests but he doesn’t want to. He knows he won’t be able to sleep after any of this.

„I can’t sleep.“ Jongin utters, as if it isn’t obvious enough. They wouldn’t be here if he could. But there’s more to his words, Kyungsoo can see it as he looks up into his eyes, head tilted back in order to do so. „I feel like… I feel like I’m choking, Soo.“ 

_Soo._

„I can’t breathe right around you.“ Jongin goes on and Kyungsoo blinks, still heady from the nickname everyone else only started using after Jongin first called him that back in first year of college. „I thought I could handle seeing you again, I mean.. it’s been more than two years. I thought I could man up and—“ Jongin stops and Kyungsoo looks up again, chest feeling incredibly tight. „Apologize for what I did to you.“ 

„But then I saw you and I felt this— this thing between us, like some kind of wall, and I know it’s my fault, but it scares the shit out of me. Because I never used to feel like this around you.“ Jongin shrugs, his eyebrows furrowing again. „I don’t know how to make it right again. I don’t know if you want me to because I don’t deserve it.“

„Jongin…“

„You were my best friend.“ Jongin shakes his head, like he needs to get it out before he chickens out again. „You were like— you were the most important person in my life. And I just— I went and did that to you and it’s been eating me up every day. I hate myself so much for doing that to you.“ 

„And I’m not asking you to forgive me, because I don’t deserve that, but I just want you to know that there wasn’t a single day when I didn’t regret everything I did. I wish I could turn back time, because I was never as happy again as whenever I was with you and because you didn’t deserve that. Not you. And I just. Kyungsoo I’m so sorry for everything. I know you probably don’t even care anymore, and I must sound stupid, but I just. I needed you to know this. Because I can’t even look at you without feeling like my heart is going to burst.“ 

„And I missed you.“ Jongin utters shakily. „I missed you so fucking much Kyungsoo… And now you’re right here and I still— I still miss you so much it hurts.“

Kyungsoo blinks up at Jongin, his heart thumping against his chest painfully as he takes in all those words and the flush of Jongin’s cheeks, the way the younger blinks the wetness away from his eyes.

„You pushed me away.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, out of everything he could’ve said, after Jongin just poured his heart out to him.

Jongin hesitates, a nervous look crossing his face. „I’m sorry.“ 

„Why?“ Kyungsoo asks. „You never told me why.“

„I’m… I’m sorry Soo—“

„Stop apologizing“ Kyungsoo interrupts him. „Was it because—“

„I was scared.“ 

„Of what?“ 

But it’s silent again, and Kyungsoo knows Jongin isn’t going to answer when they look into each other’s eyes.

Jongin knows the answer, Kyungsoo knows it too and he isn’t even mad at Jongin for not saying it out loud.

He’s not sure if he could go through that kind of rejection and humiliation all over again.

Because he still remembers clear as day, how much Jongin’s words hurt when he told him that he had heard him at Taemin’s party.

„You don’t have to worry about— about _that_ anymore.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. 

„What?“ 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „Don’t make me say it.“ 

„Kyungsoo—“ Jongin steps closer. "Is it— Is it what I heard at Taemin's party? Because… I was drunk, I don't know what I heard and even if I did I was so stupid back then and it's been such a long time. But, I mean. It's not there anymore… is it?"

And Kyungsoo knows what he means by that, what he's asking, and he never believed that Jongin forgot about Kyungsoo admitting his feelings to their friends. Jongin wasn't supposed to hear that back then, because once he did, he left him.

„I already told you." Kyungsoo says, gulping around the lump in his throat. „You don't need to worry. I'm over it."

Jongin stares at him in silence, eyes searching. „Is that true?"

And Kyungsoo stares back into his dark eyes, skin tingling with how much he wants to press the younger against the wall and say

_no, it's not true, i'm in love with you and i can't stop because you have ruined me for anyone else._

„Yes." He says, watching how Jongin's throat works. Kyungsoo’s knees shake a little at the blatant lie slipping from his lips.

Jongin steps closer, opening his mouth so say something but Kyungsoo doesn’t really want to listen any longer, so he steps back.

„Let’s go to sleep.“ 

„No…“ Jongin repeats, and he sounds confused and desperate. „Please.“

„Please what?“ Kyungsoo asks tiredly, his voice shaking a bit from all the other things he’s not saying out loud.

He thought he would feel better after finally talking to Jongin again, but if anything, it’s making it all just worse.

Because the true issue is being swept under the floor, and how could they ever function again like that? 

„Tell me what to do.“ Jongin says. „I’ll spend the rest of my life telling you how sorry I am if you want me to.“

„I don’t want that.“

„Then what?“ Jongin mumbles. „You can’t just forgive me for what I did to you Kyungsoo—“

„What do you want me to do?“ Kyungsoo interrupts, his chest boiling with how frustrated he is and how much he wants to punch Jongin and pull him closer at the same time. „Blame you for something that happened years ago? We were in college, we were young and stupid and bound to make mistakes! What’s done is done; I’m over it okay?“ 

Jongin blinks at him and Kyungsoo sees how his eyes glisten and he feels terrible, and he feels sick, and he wants to get in his car and leave because Jongin is messing everything up again.

He’s messing his life up all over again.

„So you don’t hate me?“ Jongin asks and his voice cracks, and he’s tearing up and Kyungsoo gulps at the sight, his first instinct, after all this time, being to hug him and comfort him.

And then, despite his previous words, Kyungsoo’s shoulders sag as he shakes his head. „I should hate you.“ 

„Then why don’t you?“ Jongin asks and steps closer again. 

„Stop.“ 

„I wish you’d hate me.“ Jongin suddenly says and Kyungsoo’s head snaps up.

„What?“

„I wish you’d hate me.“ Jongin repeats. „I deserve it. And it would make me feel better since you’re not giving me anything—“

„I can’t hate you! I tried but I fucking can’t!“ Kyungsoo hisses, face heating up with too many emotions. „And what do you mean I’m not giving you anything?“

„You’re just accepting it!“ Jongin says, stepping closer again. „I treated you like crap and you still just say it’s okay when it isn’t!“ 

„I already told you; there’s no sense in dwelling in the past!“ Kyungsoo retorts.

„There is! There is because we’re not in the past.“ Jongin says, calmer now. „We can’t be. I don’t want us to be.“ 

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath to calm his mind. „You didn’t want me in your life anymore. And now you want me back. Is that right?“ 

„Are you going to accept me back into your life, just like that?“ 

„What do you want from me?“ Kyungsoo sighs, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. It’s getting too late and he just wants to sleep and he wants his heart to stop feeling so fucking much for this boy. „Do you want me to push you away too? I can do that if you want. Would that make you happy?“ 

„No.“ There are hands on his wrists, tugging them away from Kyungsoo’s face and Kyungsoo doesn’t look up. „I don’t want to be without you anymore, hyung but… but I don’t think this is about what _I_ want.“

Jongin’s fingers brush over his wrists and Kyungsoo shudders with it, feeling Jongin’s touch again after so long makes it feel like some of his nerves just came back to life. „You already know.“ 

„I’m not so sure.“ Jongin mumbles. „It’s kind of hard for me to read you the way I used to.“ 

Kyungsoo looks up at him again and it’s like he sees Jongin again, the one he used to know, and he doesn’t know if he wants to scream or laugh or cry because he’s back at square one; he can feel it.

He can deny it all he wants, but there’s no denying in the way his heart nearly bursts just from having Jongin looking at him again.

„I want—“ He starts, already feeling a deep sadness bloom in his chest at the words that will follow. 

He truly is at square one again.

Because Kyungsoo is the master of repetition.

In love with Jongin, pretending that he isn’t.

„I want us to try and be friends again.“ He states finally. „I think we should move on.“ 

Silence follows his words and Kyungsoo watches how Jongin’s throat works.

„Friends.“ Jongin repeats hesitatingly, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo’s face. And after a moment he nods his head. „Okay… okay. Thank you.“ 

Kyungsoo gives him a tiny smile and Jongin gives him one back and when the younger squeezes his wrists Kyungsoo bites down on his tongue, because he doesn’t know how this is supposed to work and judging by the solemn look in Jongin’s eyes, he’s thinking the same. 

So Kyungsoo just holds on to the piece of hope that tomorrow he’ll wake up and see nothing but a friend in Jongin.

 

 

 

 

Instead, when he wakes up the next morning, he's completely disoriented and has a sore neck and Baekhyun crouching right in front of his face. 

Kyungsoo frowns, blinking the sleep from his eyes only to have them widen once he sees Jongin sleeping on the couch, their legs tangled together as their heads had been resting on each end of the couch.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep here, but then again he also doesn’t remember going back to his room after the… talk with Jongin. He looks back at Baekhyun with a nervous expression who in return quirks an eyebrow at him.

„Care to explain?“

 

 

_** \- x-  ** _


	3. Chapter 3

 

**_ \- x-  _ **

 

 

„Careful, it’s hot.“ 

„I know.“ Kyungsoo replies, taking a sip from his black tea - and promptly burning the back of his tongue. 

Baekhyun raises his eyebrows at him when he fails to hide the pain he’s in. Told you so. 

Kyungsoo scowls at him, puts the mug down on the counter and wraps his fingers around it to warm himself up.

The kitchen is cold, colder than the rest of the house. Probably because the floor isn’t wooden here, the marble tiles feeling a little like ice blocks underneath his socked feet.

He turns to look out of the window, to see how heavily the snow is falling. It’s nice to look at, because in the past few years, there had barely been any snow in the city. And even if it did snow, all the people stomping around and the cars radiating heat made it melt in a matter of hours.

But up here, the snow just falls, and then stays. White and pure, not all mushy and black and brown from fumes and dirt. 

„Kyungsoo.“ Baekhyun says, tearing Kyungsoo out of his thoughts.

He turns his head then, knows what’s coming, so he stares at the steam over his tea for a minute, just to collect his thoughts before his eyes flicker up to meet Baekhyun’s heavy gaze.

Baekhyun is staring at him carefully, his eyes searching while he nibbles at his lower lip. „So… what happened, last night?“ He wants to know. 

Kyungsoo stares back, and thinks about Jongin, about the boy pouring his heart out to him, about the pain in his words and the tears in his eyes and he feels his heart throb in his chest. 

„We made up.“ He says.

And Baekhyun’s eyebrows do a tick at Kyungsoo’s words, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly before he speaks again. „You made up?“

Kyungsoo nods. There’s a crack in the mug.

„Just like that?“ 

Kyungsoo nods again. 

It’s silent for a moment and Kyungsoo presses his eyes closed, wanting nothing but a warm bath or just to huddle up in the bed upstairs and sleep some more. 

His back hurts too. 

He can only imagine how Jongin must feel once he wakes up, if the boy still has his back problems that is. 

„Can you give me more than a freaking nod?“ Baekhyun sighs then, and Kyungsoo looks up at the tired sound of his voice. 

„He apologized.“ Kyungsoo explains. „And I accepted it.“ 

„Just like that?“ Baekhyun asks again and the looks in his eyes is soft, a little pitying maybe, but it’s a look Kyungsoo has gotten used to. 

„I’m just… I’m tired of feeling like this.“ Kyungsoo sighs as he drops his head to rest it on his arms. Baekhyun reaches a hand out and ruffles his hair gently.

„You did the right thing.“ Baekhyun says. „I know he put you through a lot of shit but ignoring each other would’ve made you both feel even more miserable.“ 

Kyungsoo shrugs again, his eyelids fluttering closed at the feeling of Baekhyun’s fingers combing through his hair. He thinks that it shouldn’t be like this. His life is not some kind of movie, definitely not a drama, yet it feels like one. And it’s stupid, because Kyungsoo should just suck it up, walk up to Jongin and offer him a beer and be like „Mate, let’s just forget what happened“ and go back to being best friends.

But he can’t, he just fucking can’t, because Jongin is the first person he’s ever properly been in love with and he still is, hopelessly so. 

„Don’t give up on him Kyungsoo.“ Baekhyun sighs then. „I’m not ready to lose hope in true love just yet.“

Kyungsoo chuckles at that, covering up how the word true love in connection to Jongin feels a lot like millions of butterflies have been set free in the pit of his stomach. „You’re a fucking sap.“ 

Baekhyun lights up a little too, shrugs his shoulders. „I’m just saying how it is. I’m not leaving this house until you two sort things out. And I’m talking some sense into Jongin, too, just so you know. He’s even worse than you.“ 

And Kyungsoo is about to open his mouth to respond but he catches a movement from the corner of his eyes and when he turns his head he sees Jongin standing there, his hair tussled as he’s rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his knuckles which makes him look like a child and is simply too endearing for Kyungsoo to handle.

Baekhyun shoots him a nervous look, probably scared that Jongin might’ve heard their conversation. „Good morning!“ He says brightly. „Do you want coffee? Or tea?“ 

Meanwhile Kyungsoo is back to eyeing the crack in his mug like he can mend it with pure will power because the tension in the room rises a little too much for his liking. His eyes flicker up when Jongin doesn’t give Baekhyun an immediate response, only to find said boy staring at him nervously, which in return makes his stomach flip. 

„Hey.“ Jongin says and normally Kyungsoo would laugh at how nervous he sounds but he doesn’t think he has that right, not when he feels the same and worse. 

„Hi.“ Kyungsoo says and then adds a smile for good measure, feeling relieved once he sees how the tension seems to leave Jongin’s shoulders just because of it.

And they look at each other for a moment, Jongin biting at the inside of his cheek and Kyungsoo digging his fingers into his thighs until Baekhyun clears his throat. „It’s rude to ignore your hyung Jongin.“ 

And Jongin hastily turns his way again at that, shaking his head as that familiar look of a wounded puppy takes over his features. „I’m sorry. I’ll have a tea. Uhm. I’ll make it myself-“

„Go sit your ass down.“ Baekhyun grunts and turns around to make Jongin’s tea, not forgetting to shoot a stupid smirk in Kyungsoo’s direction while he’s at it. 

And there’s only two chairs at the counter so Jongin has to sit down beside him, which is fine, because they agreed on trying to go back to being friends again so this is only normal. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t miss the slight limp in Jongin’s walk, or the way his mouth twitches when he moves to sit down, all signs that his back is torturing him again.

And he surprises himself when he opens his mouth once Jongin is sat down, mumbling a quick „Does your back still hurt?“ To which Jongin turns around with wide eyes. 

Up close like this, Jongin doesn’t seem to have changed at all. Well, it has only been two years after all but still. 

He still looks painfully young, almost like time stopped for him when they graduated and that thought is bittersweet because it might as well have, at least it did for Kyungsoo, because how the hell could that time have mattered when the only person Kyungsoo wanted to share it with wasn’t with him?

The younger’s eyes flicker over his face for a moment, his tongue darting out to wet his lips before he speaks. „Sometimes.“ He says quickly, his only answer. 

Kyungsoo looks at him for a moment and nods, turns his head and smiles sadly to himself because he can just sense the discomfort between them, the anxiety radiating from Jongin while he’s just hoping for things to be the way they used to which is foolish because it will never be the same again.

„It’s okay most of the time.“ Jongin then mumbles, and Kyungsoo looks up again, sees him biting at his lip nervously and god, Jongin is trying and Kyungsoo shouldn’t want anything more. „But… the couch wasn’t a good idea, I guess.“ 

Kyungsoo smiles and decides to ignore the way Jongin’s eyes brighten up at that. „I know. I don’t know how we fell asleep there.“

Jongin stares for a moment before a small chuckle leaves his lips. „Yeah, me neither.“ 

And it’s silent again, but normally this would be such a nice morning, with Jongin’s presence beside him, warm and soothing despite being so out of reach, the water boiling in the background and Baekhyun humming soft tunes under his breath, acting like he isn’t listening to them with every fiber of his nosy being.

Kyungsoo clears his throat before speaking up again. „I’m sure Joonmyun has a rub around here somewhere. You know, for your back.“

And Jongin never stops staring at him, even when he lowers his head down to rest it on his crossed arms on the counter, blinking up at Kyungsoo tiredly. „Okay.“ He mumbles, sounding sleepy again.

Kyungsoo feels his fingers itch with how much he wants to reach out and rub the boy’s back, to soothe the pain like he used to do years back.

„I can ask him later.“ Kyungsoo utters, not knowing what else to say to fill the silence between them. 

„Thank you, hyung.“ Jongin says, and he’s smiling at him, and he looks sad and it’s Kyungsoo’s fault.

It’s Jongin’s fault, most of all, but it’s also Kyungsoo’s. 

And to hear him call Kyungsoo hyung again after all this time just makes it that more apparent. 

„I’m gonna go wake up the others.“ Baekhyun says as he places a cup of tea on the counter close to Jongin. Jongin thanks him softly but doesn’t lift his head, instead looking like he’s about to fall asleep again and Baekhyun shoots Kyungsoo an almost urgent look, nodding his head towards Jongin before he leaves.

Kyungsoo doesn’t really know what he’s expecting him to do. 

He’s trying. 

He’s trying to act the way he does with everyone else and he thinks he’s doing a decent job, given the circumstances. 

„You look tired.“ Kyungsoo remarks absently after a few seconds of complete silence.

Jongin hums quietly. „I couldn’t really sleep that well the night before because of-“

„The storm. I know. I was there last night.“ Kyungsoo finishes for him and Jongin gives him a look that has him curling his fingers into a fist. „You’re still scared. After all this time?“ 

„Always.“ Jongin says and Kyungsoo stills in his seat as he makes sense of the words, the corners of his mouth tugging up automatically.

„You didn’t just quote Snape.“ He snorts softly, but it’s laced with something soft underneath, because Jongin used to be the biggest Potter head and he turned Kyungsoo into one too, begging him to watch every single movie with him to which Kyungsoo naturally gave in. And when Alan Rickman recently died, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but think of Jongin, because he still remembers how the boy blinked away his tears every time during the actors’ death scene in the movie.

„To soon?“ Jongin murmurs, smiling softly. 

Kyungsoo chuckles a little, sighing when Jongin blinks up at him like this. 

There’s something there, underneath all that regret swimming in his brown orbs. 

And Kyungsoo is longing for him, so much, and it makes his heart twist miserably in his chest when Jongin tilts his head, his cheek getting squished by his arms, which should look stupid, but it only serves to make him look more endearing.

„Definitely.“ He says, and Jongin blinks at him again, smiling sleepily and Kyungsoo tries to smile back.

„I’m gonna sleep some more…“ Jongin mumbles a moment later, his eyes fluttering closed „Wake me up in a minute, okay?“ 

„Okay.“ He utters, biting down on his tongue while he curls his fingers around his cup again to try and warm up his cold fingers with the remaining warmth. 

Friends. Just friends. You’ve known him for a long time. He’s like a younger brother to you, nothing more.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there like this, thinking about all those times he’s had these same thoughts before, about stopping this nonsense, and how he failed every single time. 

But then he hears a snore and looks over to find Jongin asleep, lips parted slightly as faint sounds escape through the gap. He looks like a kid, and Kyungsoo thinks there should be a manual, on how to get over Kim Jongin.

The skin under his eyes looks thinner now that they’re closed, almost purple, and Kyungsoo reaches out without meaning to, just to make sure it doesn’t break once he touches it, and Jongin doesn’t even flinch when the tips of his fingers slide over the skin there, soft like a feather. 

He turns his hand a little, barely touching the boy when he cradles his cheek, his thumb brushing over his cheekbone repeatedly and he can’t even put into words how much he wants to be able to do this when those eyes aren’t closed, how much he wants to be able to touch Jongin like this when he’s awake and aware of the longing in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

Something moves in the corner of his eyes and he looks up to see Baekhyun standing there, leaning against the doorframe with a wistful smile on his face when Kyungsoo pulls his hand back like he’s been caught touching something he wasn’t allowed to touch.

Which maybe isn’t even that far away from the truth. 

Baekhyun doesn’t really say anything when he walks to the fridge, rummaging through it to take some food out to prepare breakfast. „Wanna help?“ He asks instead, shooting Kyungsoo a look over his shoulder. 

Kyungsoo quickly nods, hoping that it’s not all that visible, the heat that has gathered in his face upon getting caught in a stupid moment of weakness. 

But it probably is visible, because when Kyungsoo stands beside him to help him open the various containers Baekhyun leans over to whisper in his ear.

„I won’t tell.“ 

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t stop snowing, even a few hours later, when everyone has woken up and eaten their breakfast. 

Chanyeol went outside together with Jongin and Sehun to get some logs for the fire place since some complained that it was starting to get chilly inside the house.

And now Kyungsoo is sitting on the couch with Baekhyun curled into his side, a huge blanket thrown over them to keep the cold air away. He can hear some of the guys talking in the kitchen, Jongdae’s laughter echoing through the entire house. Somewhere upstairs, the shower is running but Kyungsoo has no clue who it is. Probably Junmyeon though. 

It smells a little like vanilla in the room but not quite as sweet. When Kyungsoo mentioned that Baekhyun nodded his head, saying that the candle was supposed to smell like „Soft blankets“ which, to be honest, it kind of does. But that’s probably something psychological.

And he’s not really sure what it is, but he kind of has no sense of time up here. Even though the clock shows that it’s noon, Kyungsoo feels like it’s early in the morning. The sun isn’t out today, thick clouds covering the sky to pour endless flakes of snow over the earth, and it’s darker outside so he guesses that maybe that’s it. There are candles lit everywhere, and the lamps standing around in every corner are painting everything into a dim lighting.

He feels ready to sleep again, with everything around him lulling him into a state that’s way too comfortable and relaxing.

He’s not used to this, hasn’t been ever since he got out of college.

„Ugh, where are they?“ Baekhyun whines into his shoulder, curling his hands a little tighter around Kyungsoo’s arm in an attempt to snuggle closer and get some of Kyungsoo’s body heat. 

Kyungsoo makes an acknowledging sound but he’s too distracted to answer, scrolling through the countless e-mails he has to take care of in a few days. He’s never been away from work for such a long time and he can’t even begin to imagine all the work that will be waiting for him once he gets back. It’s giving him a headache already and a part of him really just wants to go back to avoid all that stress.

Baekhyun peeks over his shoulder for a moment and then he’s reaching his hand out to take the phone out of Kyungsoo’s hands, despite the latter’s protests. „No. None of that. This is your time off Soo, remember?“ 

„Yes but-“

„Nope.“ And with that Baekhyun shuts off his phone and throws it on the table carelessly, causing it to almost hit the ground.

„Careful you idiot!“ Kyungsoo hisses, already reaching out to pick it up again but Baekhyun doesn’t really allow him to, pushing Kyungsoo down against the couch with his entire body.

„Yah! Who are you calling an idiot?“

„You!“ Kyungsoo grunts, trying to shove the other away so he can sit up again. „Get off of me!“ 

„Not before you apologize.“ There’s a strange glint in Baekhyun’s eyes when Kyungsoo refuses to apologize and Kyungsoo knows exactly what it means.

„Don’t touch me or I swear to god-“

But it’s too late, because suddenly there are fingers on his sides and on his stomach and it feels like he’s suffocating when he starts laughing from how fucking hard Baekhyun is tickling him. 

„Stop!“ He shouts, half sobbing and half laughing while he tries to push Baekhyun away by his shoulders.

„Apologize!“

„No, you stupid piece of—“

And Baekhyun literally starts stabbing him with his fingers and Kyungsoo is wheezing for air at this point, all his trashing fruitless because Baekhyun isn’t moving an inch from where he’s straddling him.

„Say it! Has your mother never taught you not to be disrespectful to your elders?“

„I’m sorry!“ Kyungsoo finally says, gasping for air once Baekhyun leans back to sit on his thighs, a satisfied grin on his face.

„See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?“

„Idiot.“ Kyungsoo mumbles under his breath, smirking when Baekhyun looks offended. He quickly grabs Baekhyun’s wrists before he can even try to come at him again. „Don’t you dare.“ 

They stare at each other for a moment, with Kyungsoo still trying to catch his breath and Baekhyun seemingly studying his face in return. 

„Do you know what skinny love means?“ Baekhyun then asks, leaning a little closer. 

Kyungsoo tilts his head. „What?“ 

„Skinny love. Ever heard of it?“ 

„No.“ 

Baekhyun hums, like he was expecting that. „I was thinking about it… I think it describes you and Jongin’s relationship really well. Or you know, it used to, back when things were different.“

Kyungsoo sighs, annoyed at this point that he can’t seem to talk to any of his friends here without Jongin coming up. It’s not really helping, not at all, with his plan to try and sort out his feelings once and for all. 

„Don’t you want to know what it means?“ Baekhyun asks softly, sounding a little hurt as he rests his face on his palms. His elbows are digging into Kyungsoo’s chest but he decides not to complain about it. 

„Aren’t you going to tell me either way?“ Kyungsoo asks, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice. It wouldn’t be right to let all of his pent up emotions out on his friends. Especially not on Baekhyun, who only tries to make things better. 

„True.“ Baekhyun smiles. He purses his lips for a moment, shrugging his shoulders. „It means— It’s when two people love each other. When they are in love but they won’t… they won’t admit it.“ He explains quietly. „They say it’s because those two people are shy, but I’d like to think there’s many reasons as to why they won’t say it out loud.“ 

Kyungsoo listens quietly and waits for Baekhyun to continue but he doesn’t and Kyungsoo just thinks how is that me and Jongin?

„Even though they don’t admit it, everyone around them can see they are. Because they still act like they are. And I guess everyone simply knows they are. Maybe just not themselves.“ Baekhyun goes on, watching Kyungsoo expectantly.

„That’s not us.“ Kyungsoo says, gulping at Baekhyun’s words. „That’s never been us.“ 

„But it has.“ Baekhyun insists, his face falling a little. „Kyungsoo, even a blind man would’ve been able to tell how much you loved each other.“

„No.“

„The way Jongin used to look at you. Like you fucking hung the moon and stars for him Kyungsoo, like he— like you were the best thing in the world. And you. You still look at him like that.“ 

„Why are we talking about this?“

„Because you two need to get your shit together!“ Baekhyun groans. „It’s like I’m talking to a wall whenever I try to talk some sense into either of you! I can’t even imagine the both of you talking to each other; you’d probably just silently stare at each other like the complete idiots you are!“

Kyungsoo just glares at him, ignoring the fact that Baekhyun seems to be talking to Jongin about this too. „We’re not teenagers anymore. All of that was years ago. He changed. I changed. We’re friends again. That’s it.“

„How can you lie to your hyung’s face like this?“ Baekhyun asks, sounding disgusted and Kyungsoo makes a frustrated sound in return.

„Just drop it.“

„No! You both drop this whole _uh we’re going to be friends and everything’s going be fine haha bullshit_!“

„Baekhyun I swear—“

„You two will never be just friends, Kyungsoo!“ Baekhyun exclaims and pins Kyungsoo’s hands down against the couch and Kyungsoo flinches from the harsh tone in his voice. „Get that through your thick skull!“

„What are you two doing?“ 

Baekhyun leans back at the sound of Sehun’s voice and Kyungsoo tries to sit up since he can’t see anything because of the back of the couch but it only makes things more awkward since Baekhyun’s still sitting in his lap, causing their faces to be inches apart.

„Get a room.“ Jongdae shouts as he passes them by before disappearing in the kitchen. 

Sehun is standing there, still dressed in a thick coat and a beanie with a couple of logs in his arms. „Ew.“ Is all he says. 

„What’s going on?“ Chanyeol asks next as he comes to stand next to the younger. He isn’t wearing his coat anymore but his face is flushed from the cold and he’s holding two huge logs in his hands.

„They were making out.“ 

Chanyeol gasps, scandalized, and Baekhyun doesn’t even try to correct them, he just shoots them a satisfied smirk that makes Chanyeol laugh loudly. 

„Wait! Did you guys really?!“ 

„Wouldn’t you like to know.“ Baekhyun replies.

„Like to know what?“ 

Kyungsoo’s head snaps over to where Jongin suddenly has appeared. His hair is a mess, like he just pulled his hat off, and his nose and cheeks and the tips of his ears are red, his eyes looking a little watery from the change of temperature. He sniffs once, and his face gradually turns more confused as he approaches them, taking in Kyungsoo’s and Baekhyun’s position.

„That Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were making out.“ Chanyeol explains and Kyungsoo feels his face heat up with anger and embarrassment but most of all frustration, especially when Jongin freezes at Chanyeol’s words.

Their eyes meet and Jongin looks lost, his eyebrows scrunching up in the middle and Kyungsoo wants to explain but then he realizes that he shouldn’t have to explain anything at all. 

The look on the boy’s face makes him think you idiot. do you really think i would ever want to kiss someone else but you?

He pushes Baekhyun off without a word and leaves the living room with flushed cheeks. 

„Get it Soo!“ He hears Chanyeol holler after him when he’s already walking up the stairs to his room and it takes a lot of willpower to not just turn around and hit him with one of those big logs. 

 

 

 

He went to his room to escape his stupid friends but also hoping to close his eyes and take a nap. But it’s not happening.

His mind won’t shut up, his thoughts filled with Baekhyun’s words, Jongin’s stupid flushed cheeks and the confusion in his pretty eyes upon seeing them, the things Jongin said last night, the things Kyungsoo didn’t say last night, and he feels like he’s going to explode.

He shouldn’t feel like this, he shouldn’t. 

 

 

_Do you know what skinny love is?_

 

_It’s when two people love each other. When they are in love but they they won’t admit it._

 

_And even though they don’t admit it, everyone around them can see they are._

 

_Maybe just not themselves._

 

 

 

 

_**\- x -** _

 

 

_„Where were you?“ Sehun asks when Jongin finally shows up._

_Jongin, slightly out of breath, sits down on the empty space beside Kyungsoo, pressing their sides together tightly. His nose is running so he sniffs and Kyungsoo decides no to scold him for not carrying around those kleenex go packs he bought him a while ago._

_„Sorry, I had to shower. What did I miss?“ He asks but doesn’t listen to what Sehun says next, instead turning his head to mouth a quiet „Hi“ to Kyungsoo._

_Kyungsoo smiles in return._

_„Hey, why are you never listening to me?!“ Sehun complains._

_„I was!“_

_„Yeah, right.“ Sehun snorts, shaking his head when Jongin doesn’t even hear that, too busy sending a smile to Kyungsoo._

_„Hyung, where’s your scarf?“ Jongin asks when he sees Kyungsoo’s bare neck._

_It’s cold outside, since it’s November, and if it wasn’t Chanyeol who has a soccer game tonight, none of them would have left their dorms willingly._

_„I forgot.“ Kyungsoo mumbles._

_„Take mine.“ Jongin says, already puling off his woolen scarf._

_„No!“ Kyungsoo reaches his hands out, stopping him. „You’ll get sick you idiot-“_

_„And you won’t?“_

_„Who cares-“_

_„I do.“_

_„Jongin, keep it. I’m fine.“ Kyungsoo says, ignoring how his heart flutters at the concern on Jongin’s face._

_„Please?“ Jongin tries again. „I’d hate myself if you got sick…“_

_And after a few minutes of Jongin pouting Kyungsoo gives in, glaring at the ground when Jongin fixes the scarf around his neck with his face so close Kyungsoo can smell the mint from his toothpaste._

_„You good?“ He mumbles quietly once he’s done, too close, too warm, too beautiful with his fingers tugging at the tips of the scarf, pulling Kyungsoo closer than he already is._

_„Yeah.“ His breath hitches when Jongin smiles. „Thank you.“_

_And when their attention is back at the game, Kyungsoo catches Sehun’s eyes, and the younger is eyeing them oddly, shaking his head with a sigh when Kyungsoo gives him a questioning look._

_Jongin wakes up with a cold the next day and when Kyungsoo makes him tea and scolds him for always being so reckless Jongin only smiles sleepily and croaks that it’s better than Kyungsoo getting sick._

_And Sehun hears it, and he gives Kyungsoo a small smile that the latter shrugs off._

 

 

 

 

**_\- x -_ **

 

_„Hyung, let’s go watch a movie!“_

_„…It’s valentine’s day.“_

_„So?“_

_„Don’t you want to… like, go out with someone?“_

_„I just asked you, didn’t I?“_

_„I didn’t mean that.“ Kyungsoo reaches into his pocket, fishing out the piece of paper he received earlier that day. It suddenly weighs like a ton of bricks in his hand. „Here.“ He says and pushes it into Jongin’s open palm._

_Jongin opens the folded paper and frowns upon reading what’s written down on it. „Who is this from?“_

_„Dasom.“ Kyungsoo says, staring at the ground with furrowed eyebrows. „She asked me to give it to you.“_

_„Oh.“ Is what Jongin says and he keeps staring at the numbers on the letter and Kyungsoo catches sight of a smiley and when he looks up, Jongin’s cheeks are flushed and Kyungsoo’s heart throbs a bit._

_„Why don’t you go see a movie with her?“ He asks because that’s what best friends do. „She seems really nice. And you both enjoy dancing and stuff. It might be fun.“_

_Jongin finally looks up from the letter, giving him an odd look. „But I asked you.“_

_He says it like it’s common sense, that Jongin is going to watch a movie with Kyungsoo rather than with a girl like Dasom and Kyungsoo bites his tongue, hard, and he suddenly hates Jongin for always making him feel like this. Like he’s special when really, they’re only best friends._

_„Well, I’m not going anywhere, right?“ He says and punches Jongin’s shoulder playfully. „We can watch a movie some other time.“_

_„And she really looked like she wants you to ask her out, you know.“ Kyungsoo tries to encourage Jongin even though everything inside him is screaming at him to stop because it’s like pouring salt into an open wound._

_„I know. She’s really nice.“ Jongin mumbles, fiddling with the letter for a while ad Kyungsoo smiles despite everything._

_„Just call her Jongin.“ He sighs and Jongin looks at him nervously._

_„Do you really want me to?“ The boy asks, looking at him inquiringly._

_„Of course! You haven’t had a date in a while anyways.“_

_Jongin stares at the piece of paper for a few seconds quietly before he finally mumbles „Okay.“_

_And Kyungsoo just smiles through it._

 

 

 

_„Where’s Jongin?“_

_The dorm seems a little off tonight. The air’s suffocating and it’s dark despite the last rays of sunshine streaming through the blinds. Kyungsoo watches tiny particles of dust and dead skin particles float around._

_„Out.“_

_„…Okay..? without you?“_

_„He has other friends, you know.“_

_„I know but… he never goes anywhere without you.“_

_„He has a date.“_

_„Come again?“_

_„He’s got a date. With Dasom.“_

_„Dasom?! No fucking way!“ Chanyeol looks excited for a moment but then he sees the look on Kyungsoo’s face and he stops. „Uhm… Are you okay?“_

_„Why wouldn’t I be?“_

_Chanyeol shrugs, brushing his bangs out of his face as he leans his head back against the wall from where he’s sitting on the bed, Kyungsoo next to him. „You look… abandoned.“_

_Kyungsoo snorts. „Don’t be ridiculous.“_

_„You know, I always wondered what'll happen if one of you find someone.“_

_„What do you mean?“ Kyungsoo sighs, and it almost echoes in the silent room._

_„I don’t think your significant others will be happy with how close you two are.“_

_„We’re just friends.“ Kyungsoo shrugs and closes his eyes as he leans his head back too._

_Chanyeol stares at Kyungsoo’s profile for a while silently and shakes his head to himself._

 

_„You’re a terrible liar Soo.“_

 

 

 

 

_„Hyung?“_

_„Jongin?“ Kyungsoo looks up from his laptop, flipping it shut when he sees Jongin entering the room. „Why are you here?“_

_„Where else would I be?“ Jongin whispers and he walks over to sit down beside Kyungsoo on the floor._

_The socket for the cable of his charger is all the way on the other side and the cable isn’t long enough to reach his bed, so whenever Kyungsoo uses his laptop he sits on the floor and leans against his bed frame._

_It’s slowly but surely giving him a bad back._

_Kyungsoo grunts softly when Jongin moves him around until his arm’s draped over the boy’s shoulder and he’s leaning his entire weight against Kyungsoo’s side. „Where’s Dasom?“_

_„In her dorm.“Jongin mumbles._

_Kyungsoo frowns to himself. It’s only a quarter past ten._

_„Well… how did it go?“_

_„It was okay.“ Jongin mumbles._

_Kyungsoo blinks, his nose filled with the scent of Jongin’s apple shampoo when the boy leans his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder. „Did you… kiss her?“_

_Jongin hesitates. „Yeah.“_

_Kyungsoo holds his breath._

_Thinks about them walking back to the dorms after the movie, probably holding hands, with Dasom curling her fingers around Jongin’s biceps and Jongin smiling at the ground because he’s shy like that. And Jongin dropping her off at her dorm, and Dasom looking at him through her lashes and Jongin leaning down to kiss her._

_They would make the perfect couple._

_„Are you going to see her again?“ Kyungsoo asks._

_„I don’t think so.“_

_Jongin’s fingers are playing with Kyungsoo’s, knuckles and the tips of his fingers feel like the touch of a feather against Kyungsoo’s skin, pleasant and nerve wrecking at the same time._

_„Why not?“_

_„I don’t like her like that.“_

_Kyungsoo sighs when Jongin snuggles some more into him. „You always say that.“_

_„It’s just how it is…“_

_It’s silent for a while, their steady breathing sounding like a lullaby. Jongin is warm against him, and soft._

_He smells sweet, a little like popcorn._

_„I’ll find you someone.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, smiling to himself at the irony. Jongin presses his thumb against Kyungsoo’s pulse, just under his palm like he’s trying to feel his heartbeat. „Someone you can like like that.“_

_„Yeah.“ Jongin says and circles his fingers around Kyungsoo’s wrist. „Okay.“_

 

 

**_ \- x - _ **

 

 

 

„Watch out!“ 

The snowball misses Kyungsoo’s face by an inch and he turns his head to find the person who threw it, finding that Yixing is standing there with an apologetic look on his face.

„I’m sorry!“ Yixing shouts. „You were distracted!“

Kyungsoo grunts in response, already feeling tired from running around in the snow and the cold that’s slowly starting to seep into his skin through the thick layers of clothes and his coat. 

The sun is starting to set even though it’s barely past four but it looks beautiful since the clouds took off a while ago and now the sky’s painted in faint shades of pink and yellow and blue.

It’s so peaceful up here, Kyungsoo sometimes forgets how silent and… untouched everything is. It’s just the house, and then the forest, the mountains and the snow. 

And the laughter of the rest of the guys disturbing the scene, but not necessarily in a bad way.

There’s a whole new layer of snow on the ground and with every step he takes Kyungsoo sinks in almost to his knees which isn’t just tiring but also unfair because he’s shorter than most of the other guys which makes him an easy target.

He looks around, sees Chanyeol chasing Jongdae with a massive snowball in his hands. Minseok and Baekhyun shoving each other while Baekhyun’s complaining because Minseok basically washed his face with the snow. Junmyeon’s sitting on a log and he’s watching Sehun and Jongin who seem to be attempting to build a snowman. 

They’re failing horribly. 

„Hyung!“ Sehun shouts once he catches him staring at them. „Don’t just stand around and watch, come help us!“

Jongin looks up then, and he squints his eyes at Kyungsoo, probably because he forgot to wear his lenses. He looks so cute it almost makes Kyungsoo laugh, with his beanie almost slipping off his head and his cheeks flushed from the cold. 

He makes his way over to them, and Chanyeol promptly uses the opportunity to throw another snowball at him which Kyungsoo manages to dodge before it can hit the side of his face. Chanyeol laughs loudly and Kyungsoo doesn’t even get he chance to get angry because Jongdae pushes him into the ground and starts rubbing snow into his face until Chanyeol is screaming like a girl. 

„What is this?“ Kyungsoo asks flatly once he’s standing beside their so called snowman. 

Sehun sighs. „It’s supposed to be a snowman.“ 

„It looks like a pile of shit.“ Kyungsoo comments and Sehun starts glaring at him but he barely notices that because Jongin chuckles at his remark and when Kyungsoo looks up and catches his eyes, Jongin brings a gloved hand up to his mouth and clears his throat to stop. 

And Kyungsoo can hardly fight off the urge to smile and the warmth that spreads through his chest upon making the boy laugh. 

„Well, do it better then.“ Sehun snorts and turns around to join Junmyeon on the log that’s placed a few feet away. 

„What are you doing?“ Kyungsoo frowns at him when Sehun sits down next to Junmyeon, linking their arms together as he huddles close, probably for warmth.

The temperature’s already way too cold, and it keeps dropping as the sun keeps disappearing behind the mountains. 

„Enjoying the show.“ Sehun grins. 

Kyungsoo grunts in response, shivering when a sudden gush of wind hits his face. It feels like tiny little cuts in his skin and it makes his eyes water. 

„Every kid can build a snowman.“ Kyungsoo mumbles and glares at the younger when Sehun imitates him with a stupid expression on his face. He leans down to grip the… thing that probably was supposed to be the base for the snowman. It’s not even shaped like a ball.

It’s not shaped like anything. 

He starts rubbing at it to make the surface smooth and when another pair of gloved hands start doing the same on the other side he freezes, because he almost forgot about Jongin who was standing there all this time.

„Can I help?“ Jongin asks when Kyungsoo looks up at him.

„Sure.“ He says and Jongin smiles, and Kyungsoo quickly looks back down and continues to work on the snowman.

They do this for a few minutes, both of them silent while they’re at it. Sehun’s and Junmyeon’s hushed voices are in the background as well as the voices of the rest of the guys, a little further away. 

And once they’re done Kyungsoo sits back on his heels and eyes the snowball quietly. 

„Hyung.“ Jongin suddenly mumbles and Kyungsoo looks up to him, catches him sniffle because his nose is running and Kyungsoo can’t really believe Jongin is already twenty-four.

„Hm?“ 

„Is this the snowman?“ Jongin asks, pointing at the ball between them and Kyungsoo can’t help it when his lips stretch into a smile.

„Of course not.“ He huffs and when Jongin chuckles next, a tiny cloud forms in front of his mouth and Kyungsoo sees the way his lower lip shakes from the cold. „You can make the head and I’ll make one for his torso.“ 

Jongin nods. „Alright.“ 

They spend the next couple of minutes building the stupid snowman. 

Kyungsoo looks up once, just to see how Jongin is doing, and finds Jongin staring at him while he’s absently patting at his snowball but once their eyes lock Jongin hastily looks away and Kyungsoo sighs to himself, wondering how long they’re going to keep playing this game. 

He looks around and notices that most of the others have already went inside. There’s just Chanyeol and Baekhyun play fighting near the house. 

The sun is almost gone by now too and he wonders how late it is. 

They stack up the snowballs once they’re done and it all just happens in silence and Kyungsoo wants to open his mouth to say something, to talk to him, but he realizes he’s got nothing to ask. 

Jongin has told them everything about London over dinner already and it seems stupid to ask about his sisters. It’s been a long time, they probably don’t even remember Kyungsoo anymore so he feels like he shouldn’t care either, even though Jongin’s family has always been nothing but nice and welcoming to him. 

The only things he wants to ask Jongin are the things he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to speak out loud. 

Things like

 

_Why did you leave?_

Or 

_What did I do wrong?_

And

_Do I not deserve an explanation?_

But he keeps his mouth shut, swallows the words down and welcomes the silence around him like an old friend.

„He needs a face.“ Jongin mumbles. 

Kyungsoo clears his throat and nods his head. „I’ll get some… pebbles or something.“ 

Jongin hums. „Do you think we have any carrots left?“ 

„Carrots?“

„You know… for his nose.“ Jongin mumbles, sniffling again. Kyungsoo’s eyes wander over his face without meaning to and his chest glows in the colors of the sky above, orange, pink. 

„Oh… there should be. I can go look-“

„No!“ Jongin hastily says and he’s already getting up. He tries to mask it - as always - but Kyungsoo catches the way his mouth twitches in pain and notes to ask Junmyeon about that rub for the pain later. „I’ll get it. You can look for the mouth. And the eyes. Okay?“

Kyungsoo nods. „Okay.“

He watches Jongin walk away, how Baekhyun throws a snowball at him, and how Jongin throws one back that hits the smaller buy square on the face.

He hears Jongin’s laugh and watches how he runs away when Chanyeol literally starts attacking him with snow and Kyungsoo smiles.

And while he’s trying to distance himself from the boy in his mind, setting up rules, setting up boundaries, his heart just keeps growing.

Because when Jongin smiles, something in him comes back alive. And when Jongin looks at him, his heart flutters like a moth’s wing in his chest. 

He keeps falling, and wanting, and missing, and he keeps waiting and he doesn’t really know for what anymore.

He doesn’t really know anything anymore.

 

When Jongin is back Kyungsoo has managed to find some pebbles as well as two sticks for the snowman’s arms. 

Jongin looks happy like a kid when they’re done and Kyungsoo doesn’t remember how to look away from his smile. „We need to name it!“ Jongin says and Kyungsoo looks at him dumbly. 

„Okay.“ 

„We should name it Olaf.“ Jongin suggests. 

„So you watched Frozen.“ Kyungsoo states with a smirk and Jongin blushes, but it’s hard to tell, because his cheeks are as red as they can get already. 

„My niece forced me to.“ He mumbles.

„Sure she did.“ 

„Stop!“ Jongin whines. „And why are you making fun of me anyways? You obviously watched it too!“

Kyungsoo laughs, shrugging his shoulders and their laughter blends into the silence that follows.

With Chanyeol and Baekhyun gone, there’s nothing there.

The branches in the trees are crinkling with the wind but apart from that, there’s nothing but complete silence. 

„It’s really calm here.“ Jongin mumbles after a while.

Kyungsoo nods, staring down at his gloved hands, suddenly too scared to look up and at Jongin’s face, now that they’re all alone. „Yeah.“ 

„It reminds a bit of England.“ 

„How so?“ Kyungsoo utters. He doesn’t want to know about England. Doesn’t want to know about all those great things he’s missed from Jongin’s life, memories and moments he’ll never be a part of, all those people Jongin met, people that made Jongin smile, laugh, cry. Fall in love? 

Maybe.

He doesn’t want to know. 

„There were these cliffs. Like, the highest cliffs in England. And when you stood there, there was only the sea in front of you. I couldn’t even see the horizon. It just kind of blended in with the water. And behind me was nothing but land, all green, like it wasn’t ever touched by a human. And when I looked down, there was… nothing. It was just an endless drop. And then water.“ 

Kyungsoo listens to him quietly, because he could listen to Jongin talk all day, and he imagines it, the scenery, with Jongin standing there, hair all over the place from the wind and it almost makes him smile. 

It also makes him want to scold him for standing so close to the edge.

Most of all, it just makes him sad, and he can’t put into words why. 

„I really wanted you to be there with me. At the sea.“ Jongin suddenly says and he’s looking somewhere else, to the lines of the mountains and the wind is messing with the strands of hair that peek out from underneath his beanie. 

Kyungsoo takes a shuddering breath but keeps silent, doesn’t really know what to say.

„Whenever something really cool happened, I always— My first thought would always be; I wish Kyungsoo hyung could see this.“

„But then I remembered you couldn’t because— because I messed up.“ 

„Jongin…“ Kyungsoo mumbles, not wanting to hear the things again from last night, because even if he hurt when Jongin left, he doesn’t want to hear how Jongin seemingly hurt too. 

„At first, in the first few months, I used to pull my phone out to text you. Or just talk to you. Because sometimes, like, most of the times, there wasn’t anyone I wanted to talk to but _you_. And I… it was so hard to like, realize that I didn’t have that right anymore. And there wasn’t anyone to blame but myself.“

„And just. Don’t you think it’s weird? I just don’t get it. How can a person be so dependent on someone? Because being without you was so _hard_ hyung, I felt so lost and scared of everything all of a sudden. Like, even the simplest things would scare the crap out of me just because you weren’t there.“ He stops, shakes his head. „I don’t even know why I’m saying this to you.“ Jongin has a bitter look on his face, like he’s blaming himself for everything again.

„Stop.“ Kyungsoo interrupts then, his chest squeezing painfully from Jongin’s words. „We’ve been through this. I don’t want you to blame yourself.“ 

They should go inside. Kyungsoo can’t feel his toes despite his winter boots. The air is cutting at the skin wherever it’s bared, like when it’s so cold you can’t really tell if it’s hot or cold anymore.

He shivers in his coat but doesn’t move apart from that.

Because there’s something hanging in the air, some kind of tension, waiting to be cut with words that have yet to be spoken.

„Hyung.“ It’s Jongin, who cuts it. 

Kyungsoo keeps staring at his hands. „Yeah?“ 

„Hyung.“ He tries again and waits until Kyungsoo finally looks up, into Jongin’s waiting eyes, and it feels like static shock when their gazes lock. 

„What?“ 

„You—“ Jongin starts but he pauses. His hands are buried in the pockets of his coat and Kyungsoo sees how he shivers. „Last night. You said you wanted us to be friends again.“

Kyungsoo nods. „I did.“

Jongin is silent for a while, he looks at Kyungsoo like he’s waiting for something and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what, doesn’t know what he’s waiting for. „Do you think we can be the same again?“ 

„… the same?“

„The way we were before.“ Jongin says and he’s biting his lip now, so hard Kyungsoo wants to ask him to stop but he doesn’t. „I miss us, hyung.“ Jongin utters and he sounds so lost. „I miss Jongin and Kyungsoo.“ 

And Kyungsoo’s frozen, together with how Jongin looks right now, it feels like he might just fall over.

„I think—“ He starts, voice breaking a little, from the cold, and from Jongin. „We’re not the same people anymore, Jongin.“ He says, gulping once he sees how Jongin automatically tries to make himself smaller upon hearing Kyungsoo’s words. „I mean, it’s been years and things would’ve been different either way. With you being abroad, I don’t think it would’ve been the same even if— even if that stuff didn’t happen.

„But—“ Jongin starts, and now he’s staring at the ground. „I wouldn’t have left.“ 

„What?“ 

„I wouldn’t have gone to London if— if you and me had still been friends.“

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, puffs it out into the air in a little cloud. It’s almost dark now. „How— how does that make a difference? You wanted to dance-“

„I could’ve gotten the same jobs here.“ Jongin cuts in. „Maybe even better ones.“ 

„I don’t get it…“

„I just. I ran away because I didn’t know how to make things okay. I was a coward. I thought I could just forget about it once I was gone.“

Kyungsoo stares at him, hardly breathing at this point. „That doesn’t make sense. I was not that important, why would you—“

„Hyung.“ Jongin says, shaking his head. „Are you being serious? You were the most important person in my life.“

„Don’t be stupid.“ 

Jongin looks at him quietly and Kyungsoo gets a feeling that he failed him because the boy looks disappointed. Let down.

„You’re still the same.“ Jongin chuckles, but it sounds all wrong. „You always used to tell me that whenever I—“ He stops there, a nervous look crossing his eyes before he shakes his head.

They stare at each other for a long time, and Kyungsoo’s heart is stuck in his throat and Jongin looks so tired and Kyungsoo honestly is clueless, doesn’t know how to make it go away.

He’s never been like this with anyone, this _complicated_. 

But it’s like they’re trapped in some kind of spider web and they can’t get out. Like it just keeps getting worse the more they move, and speak, and it’s stupid and frustrating. 

It starts snowing again, small little flakes at first that soon turn into more.

„We should go inside.“ Kyungsoo mumbles after a while, and he waits for Jongin to speak, to move, scared that he somehow said something wrong. 

Jongin nods but he doesn’t look at him, he’s staring at the ground and it hurts Kyungsoo but he still starts walking away.

And after a few steps, when he doesn’t hear Jongin following him, he stops and turns around, finds that Jongin is still standing in the same spot. He contemplates going inside, it would be easier, make things less complicated, but he can’t, so he turns to grab Jongin’s arm. 

„Are you coming?“

Jongin turns around and nods and Kyungsoo squints his eyes when the snow starts falling faster. Jongin looks up, eyebrows furrowed, and he suddenly starts smiling. 

„What?“

„Your eyelashes.“ Jongin chuckles and it’s like the talk before has never happened. The ache in Kyungsoo’s chest leaves in an instant upon seeing how Jongin’s eyes crinkle up when he’s smiling like this.

He blinks a few times. „What’s with them?“ And then he gets it, something cold hitting him in the eye and he presses them closed on reflex. „Ugh…“

And when he opens them again, Jongin is standing a lot closer, and Kyungsoo’s stomach is in knots; his first instinct being to take a step back but Jongin looks really vulnerable right now, like he’s scared of Kyungsoo doing just that, so he stays where he is. 

Jongin lifts his hand to Kyungsoo’s face, and he cradles his cheek, and Kyungsoo’s eyelids flutter closed when Jongin brushes the snowflakes out of his eyelashes.

When he opens them again, Jongin has stepped away, just enough to give Kyungsoo enough room to breathe and Kyungsoo tilts his head up, smiling despite the urge to pull Jongin back in. „Thanks.“ 

Jongin just nods, back to staring at the snow beneath them and Kyungsoo would’ve missed his words if they wouldn’t be standing so close together. „Hyung… can you give me a hug?“

„Huh?“

And Kyungsoo feels thrown back in time, to the last time he had talked to Jongin, in the library, when Jongin asked him to hug him.

Jongin gives him a look, one that seems to say _please don't make me ask again._

And just like last time, Kyungsoo does as he asks. 

He pulls Jongin in by the front of his jacket and slips his arms around his waist, feels Jongin go stiff against him, hears his breath hitch. 

Kyungsoo presses his eyes closed because this still feels so achingly familiar, like his body has memorized every line of Jongin’s skin and bones. He knows that Jongin will wrap his arms around Kyungsoo’s neck before he does it, he knows Jongin will press his face against Kyungsoo’s throat a second before it happens and his own fingers curl into the back of his coat almost desperately as he takes in his scent of... pines and something else that is just so painfully Jongin. 

The embrace is warm despite the snow falling down on them, and Jongin is shuddering because it’s so cold, burrowing deeper into Kyungsoo’s arms, and it feels comforting and heartbreaking at the same time, to have Jongin against him like this again, his breath puffing against Kyungsoo’s neck a little too fast, like he’s nervous and Kyungsoo gets it. He is too, his heart’s stuck in his throat and all he wants to do is whisper in his ear that he loves him.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, but he knows he needs to pull back when Jongin’s fingers slip underneath his collar, and he curses himself for not wearing his scarf, and it almost feels like Jongin is searching for something there and Kyungsoo presses forward, away from his hands but closer into him. He freezes when Jongin’s hand finally stills and his thumb runs over a line, partially hidden by his hair on his nape, but it can be felt, even through gloves because the skin is scarred there.

Kyungsoo flinches when Jongin keeps rubbing his thumb over the scar and he feels like throwing up from everything it makes him feel, from the memories, the fight that broke out in some bar years ago, when some stranger got stabbed in the stomach, and Kyungsoo got pushed in the chaos that erupted right after and split the back of his head on a hook that was attached to the wall. 

He remembers all the blood, and even if it didn’t hurt that much, he remembers being scared because Jongin was panicking so much, remembers trying to comfort him even when he was bleeding all over the backseat of the taxi on the way to the hospital to get stitches. 

He also remembers lying in the hospital bed, having to spend the night there to make sure he didn’t have a concussion. Jongin sat beside him the whole time despite Kyungsoo basically ordering him to go home. He wouldn’t leave, because he was stubborn like that.

And Jongin reached out, over Kyungsoo’s shoulder to cradle his neck softly, the tips of his fingers hovering over the fresh stitches. 

_„Does it hurt?“_

Jongin looked so concerned and if Kyungsoo’s hadn’t been so high on pain meds he would’ve laughed about it.

_„No. I don’t feel a thing.“_

_„Will it go away?“ Jongin then asked. „The scar?“_

_And Kyungsoo shook his head. „The cut was too deep, they said.“_

Jongin stared at him for a while, the silence around them filled with faint noises of people passing the room, hushed words being exchanged between the nurses, tables being rolled around, beeping sounds from other rooms. 

_„But that’s not so bad, right?“ Jongin then asked, his thumb rubbing over the side of Kyungsoo’s throat soothingly. „This way you’ll always remember tonight… And you’ll remember this conversation. And me. Me too… Right?“ The room was dark aside from the little lamp above Kyungsoo’s head and Jongin looked really cute like this, all concerned and soft spoken._

_Kyungsoo looked up, smiling sleepily at the boy. „Of course.“_

 

And of course Jongin had been right, but only partly. 

Because really, Kyungsoo never needed a scar to be reminded of Jongin. 

A simple song, a movie, a restaurant, a word, a scent… they all hold the power of making images of the boy flash up in his mind in the most unexpected moments.

Like a wake up call, a slap in the face whenever he made the mistake of moving on a little too much.

Kyungsoo clears his throat and pulls back from the hug, feeling light headed, feeling like he might do something stupid, like destroy everything by kissing him.

„Let’s go inside.“

He already misses the feeling of having him so close.

„Okay.“ 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever not miss it.

 

 

 

 

Once he’s back inside, Kyungsoo slides out of all the cold layers of clothing and stands underneath the spray of hot water in the shower. 

He keeps the door open, and his room fills with steam, which looks like fog later, in the darkness of the night with the lights turned out.

When he rubs the body wash over his skin, his fingers still on the scar on his nape, and he can still feel Jongin’s thumb rub over it almost like he was trying to erase it. He imagines Jongin leaning down to press his lips there - because that’s something he would do - and if Kyungsoo shuts his eyes closed tight enough, he can almost feel the touch of his lips. 

The hot water warms up his bones again and he rests his forehead against the cold tiles for a long time, wanting nothing more than to jump in his bed and sleep the tiredness away. 

Sleep the haunting thoughts away.

Sleep Jongin away.

 

 

 

He’s not sure how it happens, but one second he’s sitting at the table, eating dinner and drinking winde and laughing about Chanyeol’s stories from his restaurant and his clumsy workers and the next second he’s sitting close to the fireplace in the living room with the third bottle of beer in his hands.

Chanyeol is playing on his guitar and Baekhyun is sitting next to him, singing.

He’s always been a great singer and right now, with a little alcohol in Kyungsoo’s system, he sounds like an angel.

Sehun’s been whispering with Junmyeon all the time and by now Kyungsoo’s sure that they’re hooking up behind their backs, because Junmyeon’s hands rests on Sehun’s inner thigh and it’s disturbing and weird because Junmyeon used to treat Sehun like a little brother.

But then Sehun blushes and hides his face in Junmyeon’s neck and Junmyeon smiles down at him and maybe it’s not so weird after all. 

„You should sing too.“ Jongdae mumbles into his ear.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and takes another sip from his beer. 

„Why not? You’re good.“ Jongdae nudges him with his shoulder.

„Baekhyun's better." Is all he says and it's not even a lie. Baekhyun's got a voice that can blow anyone away, mostly because no one expects him to be such a strong singer given his small structure. 

Kyungsoo's eyes drift away from them, to the couch on the right, where Minseok is sitting with Jongin, and Minseok's got an arm around him while he's talking and Jongin's just listening to him quietly, nodding along, the beer in his hand barely touched.

„Baek told me that you talked to him." Jongdae says, noticing where his eyes are stuck. 

Kyungsoo averts his eyes from them, eyeing the label of his bottle instead. „I did." He mutters and he wants to ask Jongdae to stop, and ask him why all of their conversations are only about him and Jongin. It's only been like, two days, and Kyungsoo feels exhausted. He's not sure if he can handle another four days of this. 

„Did you tell him?“

He turns his head again when he hears Jongin’s chuckle. He's wearing sweatpants, and everything about him looks soft and warm and inviting, more so when Jongin sinks into Minseok's side a little more while he suppresses a yawn.

Jongin looks up then, into his eyes, and he seems unsure if he should smile or not so he ends up looking away instead and that hurts. 

And this is where Kyungsoo decides that this needs to stop. 

If he wants to be friends with Jongin again, he needs to just… get over him. 

He needs to do that, for their friendship, for his sanity.

For his own happiness. 

Because if they were meant to be, it would’ve happened by now. And like he said before, his life isn’t some kind of movie, Jongin won’t just magically realize that Kyungsoo is the love of his life and also, it’s not like Kyungsoo is getting any younger. 

Time’s running and shortly, he’ll be closer to the age of thirty then he is to twenty, and he knows he’s still young, knows that there’s nothing rushing him.

But he somehow always thought that by now, he would’ve found his significant other.

He certainly never believed to be that kind of guy that was going to be hung up on the same person for nearly seven years with the knowledge of it being a hopeless kind of infatuation. 

„No.“ He utters and gulps around the lump in his throat, trying to figure out who on earth could ever replace Jongin’s spot in his heart.

Kyungsoo’s nose suddenly stings with the promise of tears, and he fucking hates this so much, how he turns into this mess because of Jongin.

Jongdae sighs and shuffles closer, wraps an arm around Kyungsoo and squeezes tightly.

Kyungsoo drinks the rest of his beer, and then Sehun opens a bottle of Champagne, and things slightly escalate from there.

 

 

 

An hour later Jongdae can’t stop laughing anymore, he’s leaning against him heavily as he covers his eyes from the sight in the middle of the room where Sehun is giving Minseok a lap dance because Baekhyun promised to take over all his kitchen duties for the rest of the week if he did it.

But honestly, it just looks all kinds of wrong, he’s not in sync with the music at all and he nearly face plants into the carpet a few times and Minseok just looks done with the world. 

At one point Sehun starts stripping, already gotten rid of his shirt before anyone could stop him, and now he’s fumbling with his zipper and Minseok tries to scramble away and Chanyeol screams and Kyungsoo thinks they’re way too old for this.

„Alright, that’s enough.“ Junmyeon grabs Sehun’s hands and helps him slip back into his shirt.

„Mh. Hyung…“ Sehun giggles and buries his face in Junmyeon’s shoulder, mumbling things there that can’t be heard over the loud music but judging by the way Junmyeon’s cheeks turn a shade darker, it’s nothing Kyungsoo ever wants to hear. 

He’s drunk too, but he can’t really enjoy it. 

Every time his eyes slip, every time their eyes meet, he feels his heart sink a little bit more and he takes another sip, and it just kind of gets worse because his mind starts getting fuzzy.

At one point Jongin gives him an almost worried look and Kyungsoo has suddenly just had enough, he gets up and heads for the kitchen to get some more beer, but must of all to just get away from Jongin and his burning glances.

 

 

They put the beer inside the fridge and not outside to cool this time because they forgot some outside over night and the glass had shattered.

„Hand me one too, will you?“ Someone says when Kyungsoo is leaning down to get a beer out of the fridge. It makes him jump and he finds Baekhyun smirking at him when he turns around.

„Don’t scare me like that.“ He grunts and picks up another bottle for Baekhyun.

Baekhyun chuckles and waits for Kyungsoo to find a bottle opener. „Hey… are you okay?“ He asks when Kyungsoo stands in front of him to get the lid off the bottle. 

„Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?“ Kyungsoo mumbles. He steps back again, leans against the counter and takes a sip from the cold beer. 

Baekhyun eyes him silently. „Don’t know. You seem a little off.“ 

„No. I’m fine.“ 

„Tonight.“ Baekhyun says after a beat.

„Tonight what?“

„You should to tell him.“

„No.“ 

„No?“

„No.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „And I don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay?“

But Baekhyun has never listened to him before. „You’re making yourself feel miserable. Why?“ 

„You wanna know what’s making me feel miserable?“ Kyungsoo asks. „That none of you seem to understand that I want to move on from this.“

„We get that, Soo, okay? But I’m pretty sure they all know as much as I do that you trying to move on from Jongin is not what you really want. I don’t get what the fuck’s going on in that big fat head of yours but I don’t remember you being so full of shit two years ago.“

Kyungsoo pushes away from the counter, not wanting to hear anymore of this. „Give me a break.“ 

„No, wait, I’m sorry.“ Baekhyun stops his by pushing him back by his chest. He rubs at his forehead tiredly and sighs before gripping Kyungsoo’s shoulder with his free hand. „Look Kyungsoo, I get that you’re scared, but…“

Kyungsoo isn’t really listening anymore. He’s staring at Baekhyun’s lips, they’re moving, repeating the same stuff over and over again but Kyungsoo is seriously tired of hearing it and he’s annoyed and frustrated and mad.

 

_... I know you’re scared of getting rejected… _

_... But he won’t push you away again… _

_... He’s not going to run away… _

_... You’re going to regret not telling him… _

 

 

Kyungsoo just wants to get over Jongin. 

And Baekhyun used to say, that the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. 

That’s the only reason he can think of as to why he’s kissing Baekhyun the next second.

 

 

He can’t really remember the last time he kissed someone. 

It probably was Jaeyong. 

He liked kissing Jaeyong, but he never loved it. 

 

 

And with Baekhyun it’s weird, because he’s almost like a brother to him, but surprisingly, Baekhyun doesn’t push him away. He isn’t kissing him back, but he lets Kyungsoo kiss him until Kyungsoo grows frustrated from the lack of response and pulls back, their faces inches apart. 

„Kiss me back.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. 

„I’d rather not.“ 

Kyungsoo groans and pulls him back in, pressing their lips together tightly, and he hears the surprised sound Baekhyun makes when Kyungsoo pries his lips open with his tongue and for a moment, Baekhyun starts kissing him back. He knows they’re both tipsy; he wouldn’t ever do this completely sober, but the thing is; it’s been a while since he kissed someone. It’s been a while since he felt this pleasant, numb sensation in his head; one that made him stop thinking about anything, even if just for a moment. 

Kyungsoo pulls him closer when he feels Baekhyun’s tongue running over his lips, a groan rumbling in Baekhyun’s throat when Kyungsoo bites his lower lip. Their chests press up against each other when Baekhyun pushes him back against the fridge, some of the pictures there coming lose and falling to the ground. 

The alcohol is making them too excited; Kyungsoo notices that when he starts pulling on Baekhyun’s hips impatiently, which is also when his friend pulls back from the kiss.

„Okay.“ He whispers, slightly out of breath. „That was stupid.“

„No, it was nice.“ Kyungsoo says and moves to kiss him again but Baekhyun’s not having it.

„No, stop!“ Baekhyun grunts. „What the hell are you doing Kyungsoo? You don’t really want this.“

„You don’t know what I want-“

„Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You want Jongin, and you want this with Jongin.“ 

They stare at each other for a moment before Kyungsoo lets his head fall forward, closing his eyes tiredly. He should’ve gone with Yixing earlier, should’ve gone to bed to shut his mind off before he started doing stupid things like this. 

„I’m sorry.“ He whispers.

„I’m not mad at you.“ Baekhyun sighs and then, to ease the tension „Your lips are kind of amazing.“

Kyungsoo snorts and Baekhyun chuckles quietly. 

„But seriously Soo.“ Baekhyun tilts his head a little. „I know I'm hot and all but I doubt that's the reason. You’re not one to kiss people out of the blue like that, even if you’re drunk, which you’re not.“

Kyungsoo glares at him but he stops when Baekhyun arches an eyebrow because Kyungsoo doesn't really have the right to be mad right now.

He just kissed him out of the blue.

Nice one.

„I _am_ drunk." He says, which is a lie but it's always easier to blame it on the alcohol, isn't it?

„You had, like, four beers so stop bullshitting." Baekhyun snorts and then he looks at the ceiling with a heavy sigh. "Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a child... Like your mind just shuts off whenever I bring Jongin up..“

Kyungsoo peels the label of his bottle off absently. "Why are you talking like all of this is my fault?"

"I'm not. It's not, I promise. We've all established that Jongin's an idiot for hurting you like that, but you need to get your shit together too Kyungsoo. You can't keep acting like you're not still madly in love with him, like, who do you think you're fooling? I'm not saying you should go ahead and tell him... I mean, I know I said that a minute ago but what I meant is that you should sit down and talk, for real, without all that 'let's be friends' bullshit. Stop tiptoeing around the real issue, Soo. It just hurts both of you."

Kyungsoo keeps silent all the while, tired of hearing things like this, even if it's the truth.

Or maybe because it's the truth.

„Hey…“ Baekhyun mumbles. „I’m sorry for pushing you about this. I just feel like we’re failing, because I just really wanted this to work out when we leave here in a few days, you know?“ 

Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders. „I just think you guys need to stop trying. Our time’s obviously up.“ 

„Is it now?“ Baekhyun rolls his eyes. „Keep telling that to yourself.“

„Shut up.“ 

„Come on, let’s go back.“ Baekhyun turns to walk out of the kitchen but he suddenly freezes and before Kyungsoo can step forward to see why Baekhyun makes a nervous sound. „Oh f-fuck.“ He chuckles nervously. „Hi there, Jongin.“

Kyungsoo feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach as a million thoughts at once rush through his mind.

How long was he standing there?

„Sorry.“ He hears Jongin mumble. „I, uh, just wanted to get another beer.“

„Yeah!“ Baekhyun sounds too staged but Kyungsoo doesn’t really care, he can’t really move from his spot. „Beer. Good stuff. Love me some beer too. Yup.“ He pulls a pained face at his own words as he turns to give Kyungsoo one last look before he walks away, leaving them alone in the kitchen.

Jongin steps inside then but he avoids looking at Kyungsoo; he just opens the fridge and picks up a bottle of beer and Kyungsoo can’t really hear anything apart from the rush of blood in his ears when Jongin pops the lid off with nothing but his hands. 

And then they just stay like this, Jongin with his back to Kyungsoo and he’s holding his breath, the tension too much to bear. He pushes away from the counter, wanting to leave.

„Hyung.“ Jongin utters, stopping him.

Kyungsoo holds his breath, his grip on the bottle tightening until his knuckles turn white. „What?“

The silence stretches on for a second, two, three and after four Kyungsoo turns around, looking at Jongin who in return is staring at the ground. His bangs are falling into his eyes and it almost covers the darkness underneath his eyes.

It’s storming again outside.

One more sleepless night.

„What?“ Kyungsoo repeats and it comes out cold, sharp, feels slightly like acid on the back of his tongue because Kyungsoo doesn’t talk to Jongin like this, never.

Jongin clears his throat. „Are you—“ He starts then stops, shakes his head and finally looks up to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. „You and Baekhyun hyung… You..“

„Me and him what?“ Kyungsoo asks impatiently, and even Jongin seems taken aback by the sound of his voice, and it almost physically hurts, to be this cold towards Jongin. 

But he’s waited way too long, he’s been to weak. 

He needs to draw a line now, he won’t ever move on otherwise.

And the alcohol in his system helps too. He’s not sure if he’d have the heart otherwise, to watch the hurt in Jongin’s eyes, how small he seems.

„Do you like him?“ 

Kyungsoo grits his teeth together. „What?“

„You kissed him.“

This makes Kyungsoo freeze, because if Jongin has been standing there for so long that he heard them kiss then he must’ve heard all the other stuff too, must’ve heard his name being mentioned. 

Jongin sees the shock on his face and he points to Kyungsoo’s lips weakly. „You’ve got his lipstick on your lips.“

Kyungsoo brings a hand up to his lips and it comes away slightly pink from Baekhyun’s tinted lip balm he’s still using to this day. 

„What if I did?“

Jongin’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, and there’s hurt in his eyes, and it goes against every nerve in Kyungsoo’s body to talk like this to Jongin, to look at him like he means nothing. 

„Hyung…“ Jongin mumbles, his throat working heavily.

„What?“ Kyungsoo cuts in. „Hyung what? I kissed Baekhyun. What’s it to you?“

Jongin looks away, blinking, and Kyungsoo might as well stab himself in his heart. 

„Does it hurt?“

This makes Jongin look up again, his eyebrows pulled together. „What?“

„Does it hurt you that I kissed him?“ 

And of course Jongin doesn’t answer. He keeps quiet and stares at Kyungsoo like he doesn’t really recognize him. 

„I hope it does.“

„What?“ Jongin mumbles, voice cracking. „Kyungsoo-“

„It’s only fair, don’t you think?“ Kyungsoo cuts in. „I think it’s fair that you get to feel how I felt when you treated me like complete _shit_ back then.“

Jongin flinches from his words and Kyungsoo sees how his eyes start watering and he can’t take Jongin’s tears, especially not when he’s causing them. 

„I know I said I wanted us to be friends again.“ He clears his throat, trying to get this over with before he gives in, before he turns weak from how Jongin is looking into his eyes. „But I think that’s not going to work.“

„N-No, hyung, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—“

„Stop apologizing.“ Kyungsoo sighs and rubs a hand over his face.

„Please.“ Jongin mumbles and he pulls his lower lip between his teeth, to stop it from wobbling, because it always wobbles whenever Jongin is about to cry. „Please don’t say that. I want… I want…“

Kyungsoo’s heart throbs in his chest, everything inside of him pulling him towards the boy to wrap him up in his arms and tell him that he’s lying, that he doesn’t mean any of his words.

He opens his mouth to respond but a loud shriek coming from the living room stops him from doing so. He shoots Jongin one last look but the boy has his face turned away and Kyungsoo knows he’s crying and he feels like utter shit. 

He’s never felt so bad about himself, never thought he’d see the day he made Jongin cry.

And on purpose, too. 

But he bites his tongue and turns around and leaves and his mind is whirring and he’s seconds away from just turning around, from saying fuck it and just tell Jongin-

„You fucking idiot!“ He hears Jongdae shout when he joins the other in the living room again.

He first notices the black smoke in the room, coming from the fireplace, and how some of them are coughing and then the smell hits him, like burned rubber and it tickles the back of his throat.

„What is this?“ He asks when Minseok walks by him to go into the kitchen.

„Chanyeol threw the rubber chicken into the fire.“ Minesok mutters, rolling his eyes as he leaves with a clap to Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

And while Junmyeon opens the windows to get some of the smoke out, the prickle in his throat suddenly gets worse and he coughs a few times, hoping to get rid of it, but it doesn't help, because a moment later it feels like his throat his closing up. 

Meaning that he's about to have an asthma attack.

For the first time in two years. 

And his inhaler is-

„Hey, Soo. You okay?" Baekhyun asks from where he’s trying to get the toy out of the fire, or what’s left of it, and he sees the look on Kyungsoo’s face.

Kyungsoo nods and tries to hold back the coughs so the others don't start worrying but it's difficult, given the fact that he can't really breathe. 

And then the wheezing starts, so he kneels down right where he is, because it helps with the breathing, and leans his torso forward a little which makes everyone panic and he gets it, it looks like he's about to faint or something.

„What's wrong with him?!“ Someone shouts.

„Kyungsoo?“ It’s Minseok, who looks like he ran back from the kitchen when he heard the shouting.

„Soo! You're scaring me say something!"

„Asthma!" He presses out in between gasps for air. „Fucking... asthma attack. Calm. Down." 

They're not calming down.

They are doing the exact opposite of calming down.

„You have asthma?! What the fuck!“ Jongdae shouts.

„Where’s your inhaler?" 

Kyungsoo looks up and into their worried faces but he freezes when his eyes land on Jongin who stands next to Minseok, looking a lot like he did that night at the bar, or that time Kyungsoo slipped and broke his wrist. He looks so worried, despite Kyungsoo being such an asshole to him a minute back. His eyes are red and he just looks so… glum, so wrong, and it’s Kyungsoo’s fault.

And he only managed to pull this off for about a minute, because he already wants to apologize, wants wipe the tears away.

„Car..." He utters when he remembers that he’s having a fucking asthma attack, wheezing slightly and he's starting to feel light headed too.

„Someone get his keys!"

„Where are your keys Soo?" 

„My room!" He groans, all their voices making him feel jittery.

He doesn't really listen to them after that, he just tries to calm his breathing as best as he can but it hurts, his chest feels tight and he's starting to sweat and his throat keeps closing up. 

And then he remembers, that whoever went to his car to get his inhaler, will take way too long. They don't know where it is.

„My inhaler! It's in... one the left side. There's a small pocket underneath the seat..."

But it's not necessary, because two seconds later someone comes rushing back and when Kyungsoo looks up he sees Jongin running, almost splitting his head open when he slides on the floor with his socks from trying to come to a stop in front Kyungsoo.

„Hyung, hyung here." He rushes out, out of breath from running so fast, and Kyungsoo barely reacts to it, trying to understand how Jongin can be so concerned after the things Kyungsoo said to him in the kitchen earlier. Jongin reaches down and takes his hand to press the inhaler into his palm. „Hey, hyung, calm your breathing a bit more okay? You need to take a long puff."

Kyungsoo just stares at him dumbly, but he does as he's told and even in his current state, where his lungs are crying from the lack of air, he can't help but admire Jongin, can't help but bask in the feeling of his hand being engulfed by Jongin's, his thumb rubbing soothing circles against his wrist.

„Kyungsoo!“ Jongin says and suddenly he's holding Kyungsoo's face in his hands. It's only now that Kyungsoo realizes just how hard he's wheezing, how short his breaths are and how his hands are shaking. „Please calm down. Concentrate on my breathing." 

It takes a few seconds, but Kyungsoo manages to hold in his breath a few times, until he stops gasping so much, and Jongin starts shaking his inhaler and Kyungsoo wonders how remembers that, how he remembers that it needs to be shaken at least five times, that the inhaler was in that tiny pocket attached to the driver’s seat and before he can ask Jongin presses it against his lips and presses down and Kyungsoo breathes it in.

Kyungsoo holds his breath and it seems like everyone else does as well because once he breathes out after half a minute, they all sigh in unison. 

It feels like his chest deflates all of a sudden, all the pressure leaving his throat and his lungs.

„Are you okay?“ Jongdae asks and Kyungsoo looks up, feeling really exhausted and still a little out of breath when he nods.

„I’m sorry.“

„Don’t apologize, you idiot.“ Baekhyun mutters and leans down to ruffle his hair. „Why the fuck don’t you have your inhaler with you, huh? If it wasn’t for Jongin we wouldn’t have found that stupid thing!“ 

Kyungsoo usually has a second one that he carries around, but he forgot to bring it.

The one in his car is for emergencies and so far, he has never had to use it. 

And he doesn’t get how Jongin knew about it’s place, how he could’ve possibly known that he kept a spare one there.

He looks at him, Jongin, who’s still kneeling in front of him, looking slightly shaken and not quite meeting his eyes, still sniffling a bit-

„How’d you know?“ Kyungsoo wants to know and Jongin nearly flinches back from his voice. 

Jongin keeps quiet and Kyungsoo thinks he’s not going to answer when Jongin shrugs his shoulders and mumbles „I just did.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at him for a few seconds, his heart beating everywhere, and he wants to punch Jongin so much, but he couldn’t and all he really wants to do is pull him close and make everything stop.

"Why didn't you tell us you had Asthma?" Junmyeon asks worriedly.

"It never came up." Kyungsoo shrugs. "I'm fine, I promise."

"What if you forgot your inhaler at home? None of us would've known what to do you twat!" 

Kyungsoo sighs, gripping his inhaler a little tighter. 

He can still feel Jongin's warm palms on his cheeks and when he looks up, the boy's eyes are puffy and he's glaring holes into the ground. 

"I'm sorry. I should've told you." Kyungsoo says. "Can I go to sleep now?" 

"Are you sure?"

"What if it gets worse-"

"Asthma doesn't work like that Chanyeol." Kyungsoo mumbles, smiling reassuringly when he sees the guilty look on Chanyeol's face. "I'm fine stop being so paranoid. I'm going to bed." He mumbles and stumbles to his feet, multiple pairs of hands shooting out to steady him. „Guys, it was an asthma attack. I’m not dying.“ 

„You’re still stupid.“ Baekhyun mumbles and Kyungsoo shoots him a half hearted glare. He heads for the stairs but manages to catch sight of Jongin before the boy turns away, how the back of his hand runs over his eyes and how Sehun cups Jongin’s face and leans down to look at his face in concern.

Kyungsoo gulps and walks to his room, not knowing why he keeps fucking up, and why nothing he does seems to be right.

 

 

 

He lies in his bed for a long time, not managing to fall asleep, because all he can see is Jongin but it’s worse this time, because he knows that the boy is awake too, probably tired to his bones from the lack of sleep and Kyungsoo must’ve only added to it with his harsh words.

Why did he ever think it would feel right to hurt Jongin? To make him cry?

Because Kyungsoo feels like shit even if he shouldn't, because it's what Jongin had done to him years ago.

Tree branches scrape against the windows and the wind makes everything sound eery.

And he imagines Jongin lying in his bed, not being able to sleep, feeling guilty because of the things Kyungsoo said…

He doesn’t care how Jongin made him feel back then.

He simply can’t do this to him.

_You don’t hurt the people you love_ , his mother used to say.

You just don’t. 

„Fuck…“ Kyungsoo sighs, staring at the ceiling, and he’s not sure who he’s talking to as he rubs a palm over the left side of his chest to ease the pain. „Tell me what to do.“

There’s no answer. 

 

 

 

He tosses around in bed for what feels like hours but a glance on his phone tells him that it’s only been an hour since he headed to his room but he can't hear anyone chatting downstairs so he guesses they all went to bed as well.

His mother always used to make him a special tea out of orange blossoms to help him sleep and he thinks he saw that Junmyeon had those in the kitchen. 

So he gets up, pulls his pajama bottoms back on and leaves his room to head downstairs again.

He passes the room Sehun and Jongin stay in and sees the sliver of light at the bottom of the door and it makes him stop. 

He should just keep walking.

But instead he moves towards it, raises his hand, knocks twice, not thinking, for once, just doing.

Because you don’t hurt the people you love. 

The door opens and the lump in Kyungsoo’s throat has never been bigger.

Jongin is already wearing his pajamas. 

His eyes are red and wary as he takes a step back when he sees Kyungsoo. 

 

„Hyung?“


	4. Chapter 4

 

** _\- x -_ **

 

 

_„Kyungsoo?“_

_„Jungah?“ Kyungsoo rubs at his eyes, blinking, trying to clear his sleep clouded mind._

_„I’m sorry. I know it’s late.“ Jongin’s sister whispers. „Do you know where Jongin is?“_

_The question has Kyungsoo fully sitting up in his bed. „Probably sleeping in his room. Is everything okay?“_

_„No… I mean, I would’ve called Sehun but you know he’s visiting his parents right now and I just, I just want to make sure he’s in his room.“_

_„It’s one a.m. Where else would he be?“ Kyungsoo swings his legs over the edge of his bed, leaning down to blindly search for his sweatpants. „Jungah, what’s wrong?“_

_She’s quiet for the longest moment before a sigh leaves her lips. „Kyungsoo. Dad left.“_

_Kyungsoo stops pulling on his pants. „Where did he go?“ He’s still half asleep, he’s stupid, doesn’t catch on to what Jungah means by that._

_„No. He left us.“ She says, her voice laced with sorrow and disgust and… shame._

_Kyungsoo shuts his mouth, his mind just blanking out. It doesn’t take much to guess what she means by that, not when she sounds so ashamed and angry but Kyungsoo can’t wrap his mind around it._

_Jongin’s father is a good man, he loves his wife and children. In fact - all their friends always teased Jongin for his parents because they were still so incredibly in love even after so many years of being married to each other._

_„I’m sorry, Jungah.“ He utters. „I don’t know what to say…“_

_„It’s okay. I’ve known… I’ve known for a while what he was up to. Jongin didn’t. We kept it from him so he wouldn’t get distracted from school.“ She sighs. „I told him over the phone, tonight. I don’t know what got into me… I’m so stupid. You know how he gets when he’s upset, Kyungsoo. I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid.“_

_Kyungsoo is already out the door, not bothering to be silent since nothing can wake Jongdae up from his sleep anyways. „I’m sure he’s okay, Jungah. I’m going to check up on him and call you after, okay?“_

_„Thank you, Soo.“ Her voice wavers and Kyungsoo can’t do anything but shake his head, tired with the sadness that suddenly blooms in his chest._

 

 

 

_He doesn’t find Jongin in his dorm and before he can even start to worry about the boy’s whereabouts he’s out on the campus, jogging to the bus stop in hopes of catching the night bus that always drives on Fridays and Saturdays._

_It’s filled with drunk people, shouting and laughing while Kyungsoo sits at the very back, burrowed into his jacket as he tries to call Jongin over and over again despite being greeted by silence, giving away that Jongin must’ve turned it off._

_When he arrives at the dance studio twenty minutes later his heart falls as he stares at the dark windows of the building. Now he definitely is worried because if Jongin isn’t here, Kyungsoo honestly doesn’t know where else he could be._

_He just hopes that Jongin didn’t go out on his own because the boy can’t handle alcohol well since he isn’t used to drinking, what with him trying to stay healthy and in shape for his dancing. But the younger is known to do stupid things when he’s upset, just like Jungah said over the phone, and Kyungsoo already starts imagining horrible scenarios of Jongin being somewhere in a secluded alley, knocked out, hurt._

_Kyungsoo walks up the stairs and tries his luck by pushing the door handle down and to his surprise, the door actually opens._

_The room is dark save for the faint light streaming inside from the windows. He stands still for a moment, trying to see if he can make out Jongin’s form anywhere or hear something._

_„Jongin?“_

_He walks over to where the light switch is and is about to turn it on when a voice suddenly cuts through the silence._

_„Don’t!“_

_Kyungsoo startles, freezing on the spot when he hears Jongin’s voice. It sounds broken and raw and Kyungsoo feels his heart drop because he just knows that the boy was crying. „Don’t turn it on. Please.“_

_He drops his hand, relief washing over him upon hearing his best friend’s voice. He takes careful steps into the room, squinting his eyes trying to spot where Jongin is._

_„Where are you?“ There’s no answer. Kyungsoo stops walking and gulps. „Please, Jongin. I can’t see.“_

_There’s another moment of utter silence, finally followed by a shuffling sound from Kyungsoo’s right side, footsteps coming closer before familiar cold fingers wrap around his wrist, soft, gentle, chasing all the tension and worry in Kyungsoo’s body away like always._

_„I’m here.“ Jongin tugs him closer until Kyungsoo can feel Jongin’s chest right in front of him. The younger guides him around and helps him sit down since Kyungsoo is basically blind in the darkness around them whereas Jongin knows this room like the back of his hand what with him spending practically all his free time here._

_Jongin tries to let go of Kyungsoo’s hand once they sit down, their backs leaning against the cold brick wall but Kyungsoo only tightens his grip around Jongin’s fingers, shaking his head._

_„Jungah called me.“_

_„… So you know.“_

_Kyungsoo nods before he remembers that Jongin can’t see him. „I’m sorry, Jongin.“_

_He hears a trembling breath leave Jongin’s lips but apart from that, his best friend remains painfully silent._

_Kyungsoo sighs, closing his eyes as he holds Jongin’s hand a little tighter._

_„I hate him.“ Jongin’s voice breaks again and a part of Kyungsoo knows that Jongin doesn’t mean it because Jongin loves his dad, he’s looking up to him. Jongin’s father has never been anything but supportive of his son’s passion for dancing when most parents wouldn’t have approved of it. He never missed any of Jongin’s performances, always sitting at the front with a proud smile on his face and a camera in his hand to capture every single moment of his only son shining on stage._

_It feels so wrong, hearing those words leave Jongin’s mouth._

_„What… what exactly happened?“ Kyungsoo carefully asks. He wants nothing more than to see Jongin’s face right now because it’s hard to tell just how upset Jongin is over this when he can’t look into his eyes._

_„He cheated on mom.“ Jongin utters, a humorless chuckle leaving his lips. „He’s been doing it with another woman behind her back for over a year. She’s a family friend of ours… god, Soo, she used to baby sit me and my sister.“_

_Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say, the ugly reality of it feeling like a slap to his face. He rubs his thumb over Jongin’s cold knuckles, wanting to warm his skin and give a little comfort, no matter how useless it may be right now._

_„What’s going to happen now?“_

_„They’re getting divorced. My mom kicked him out. I think he’s already moved in with that other woman.“ He pauses, sniffling. „Jungah said they left the country.“_

_„What?“ Kyungsoo gapes at the barely there silhouette of Jongin. „But he didn’t… did he talk to you?“_

_„No. He probably was too much of a coward to face me.“ Jongin mutters. „Maybe it’s better that way. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I saw his face.“_

_Kyungsoo wants to groan out in frustration, can’t quite believe Jongin’s father would ever do something like that but he should know by now that everyone has their demons and some can break entire families apart._

_„He loves her.“ Jongin whispers. „That’s his apology. He says he loves that woman more than… than mom, his children. Like this is all a fucking joke to him. Like he just changed his mind over night. They were married for over twenty years and he didn’t… he didn’t even bother to come talk to me before he left.“_

_Kyungsoo turns his head, reaches his hand out and it’s like Jongin feels him do it because suddenly fingers slip between his own and Jongin brings them up, pressing his face against Kyungsoo’s palm like he’s trying to hide. Kyungsoo twists his hand out of his grip and cradles his cheek, brushing his thumb over it. „How is your mom dealing with it?“_

_„I don’t know. How would anyone deal with something like that?“ Jongin’s voice trembles. „I can’t even imagine how much pain she felt when she found out…“_

_„She’s a strong woman.“ Kyungsoo tries._

_„I know. She deserves the world. But not this. How- how could he do this to her?“_

_Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders, feeling stupid for his lack of words to comfort his friend._

_„How can you hurt someone you love like that? How can you do that to someone you’re supposed to love until the day you die?“_

_„Marriages don’t always end with a happy ending, Jongin.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „People change. So do their feelings.“_

_Jongin shakes his head. „I wouldn’t. I couldn’t ever do that to my wife. Even if I fell out of love, I would never hurt her like that.“_

_Kyungsoo’s heart cracks a little at Jongin mentioning his future wife but he holds himself together because he needs to be here for Jongin now. „I know you wouldn’t. You’re too kind for that.“_

_Jongin is quiet after that and Kyungsoo fumbles to get his phone out, turning the flashlight on to see Jongin’s face._

_„Hyung, wait-“_

_But it’s too late. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin’s puffy eyes, his red nose, the tear tracks on his face and feels his heart break a little bit more because Jongin’s been crying while they were talking too. „Jongin…“_

_He places the phone on the ground and pulls Jongin closer by his sweater before he reaches his own hands up to rub the tears away with his sleeves. Jongin lets him, watching him silently before he speaks. „I didn’t want you to see me like this.“_

_„I’ve seen you cry before. It’s okay.“ Kyungsoo murmurs and they look at each other for a moment before Jongin lets go of a tired breath, his body sagging against Kyungsoo’s as he buries his face against Kyungsoo’s neck._

_Kyungsoo closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Jongin’s back, lets Jongin’s body heat warm him up._

_„I feel stupid for crying over it.“ Jongin mumbles. „I don’t want him to be able to hurt anyone from my family anymore… But it hurts. And if I hurt like this, how much worse must my mother feel?“_

_„He’s still your dad. It’s normal that it hurts, Jongin.“_

_„He’s not. He stopped being my dad the moment he decided to fuck another woman. I won’t ever forgive him for that.“ Jongin takes a deep breath, but his shoulders start shaking like he’s trying to stop himself from crying. He tries to pull away but Kyungsoo doesn’t let him. „Hyung, let go.“_

_Jongin’s crying when Kyungsoo shakes his head, holding him tighter._

_A hiccup leaves Jongin’s lips. „I hate him.“_

_„I know.“ Kyungsoo mumbles against his neck. „I know. It’s okay.“_

_Jongin calms down after a while and they both start feeling sleepy because it’s late._

_Kyungsoo’s tired, Jongin’s exhausted and they’re resting against the other’s shoulders like it’s their only source of warmth and comfort, which it is._

_It always is. They always come back to each other when something goes wrong, when something hurts, when life gets too much._

_Like they’re each other’s happy place._

_Jongin turns his head, nuzzling into Kyungsoo’s neck. „You’re my best friend.“_

_„You’re my best friend too.“ Kyungsoo gulps, his heart thudding wildly in his chest._

_„Don’t leave me.“ Jongin breathes against his neck. „Or… at least come say goodbye before you go.“_

_Kyungsoo decides not to tease him for being so dramatic because now isn’t the time to joke around. He turns his head, his nose buried in Jongin’s soft hair, in the scent of his apple shampoo._

_„I won’t leave you if you don’t leave me.“_

_„I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t leave you, hyung.“_

 

 

 

 

Turns out Jongin was lying back then as well.

If Kyungsoo thinks about it, that’s when and why Jongin started to change. He started getting a lot more clingy after his father left. Started being more protective, more attentive, almost like he was trying his best to lessen the chance of Kyungsoo leaving him.

Always asking him if he was fed up with Jongin, if he was going to leave, and while Kyungsoo used to be annoyed by it back then, he started to understand the younger’s behavior once everything was broken between them. When it was already too late and all he could do was wish to be able to turn back time so he could stop himself from getting annoyed and angry whenever Jongin got too clingy.

And everything Jongin did back then, how he left Kyungsoo after accusing him of all those things, it all just makes even less sense now that Kyungsoo understands, what with him practically promising Kyungsoo that he wasn’t ever going to leave him the way his dad left them. 

 

„Hyung?“ 

Kyungsoo looks up - remembering where he is - and stares into Jongin’s puffy eyes. 

It’s almost the same scenario. Jongin cried and Kyungsoo came to check up on him.

But it isn’t the same at all, it’s two years later and they’re not each other’s happy places anymore.

There used to be safety and trust and a sense of home when Kyungsoo looked at Jongin back in the days. Now there’s only a painful shadow of these emotions, mixed together with confusion and hurt and betrayal and a whole lot of unanswered questions like why did you and how could you.

„Do you want to go for a walk?“ The questions slips out while he’s trying to get rid of the twisted thoughts in his head because it’s giving him a headache and everything’s better than being stuck in a room with the person who’s the source of his distress.

Jongin’s eyes are wide and uncertain, like he’s trying to figure out if the question was serious and Kyungsoo is almost sure that he’s going to decline since it’s almost one in the morning and it’s horribly cold outside.

But Jongin nods his head and Kyungsoo nods his head too, clearing his throat as he waits for Jongin to grab his things.

 

 

 

They walk down the stairs in silence and Kyungsoo is just glad to find that the rest of the guys are already in bed, otherwise he would be attacked by way too many questions the next morning. 

While Kyungsoo puts on his coat he can’t help but try and make sure that Jongin puts on enough to go outside, like a scarf and a hat and gloves. The younger leaves the last part out and Kyungsoo literally has to fight the urge to scold him, to remind him of grabbing them. He shakes his head to himself. It’s not his job to care for Jongin anymore. He’s a grown up man, he can take care of himself.

Yet he still picks up a pair of gloves, cursing silently as he presses them against Jongin’s chest without looking him in the eyes, trying to ignore how taken aback Jongin looks. 

„Thank you.“ Jongin mumbles as he puts them on and Kyungsoo only nods his head, reaching for the flashlights that he put there earlier when he went outside with Yixing to pick up some more wood for the fireplace. 

„Let’s go.“ He whispers and opens the door, the cold air immediately sending a violent shudder through his entire body. 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t want to walk too far. He did play Until Dawn with Jongdae after all. 

The snow crunches under their boots and Kyungsoo finds that they don’t even need the flashlights since the stars are out tonight and they’re shining a lot brighter up here in the mountains. 

It’s beautiful, it’s peaceful and Jongin’s familiar presence next to him is terribly heartbreaking. 

„Are you okay?“ Jongin ask when they walk through the few trees standing in on the clearing just in front of the house.

„Why wouldn’t I be?“

„Because you had an asthma attack.“ Jongin shrugs, kicking at the snow. „Your chest used to hurt the entire day when-“

He stops there and Kyungsoo gulps heavily, his nose suddenly prickling. 

„I’m so-“

„Don’t apologize.“ Kyungsoo mutters. 

Jongin shuts his mouth and Kyungsoo isn’t sure why he’s so angry tonight but he is.

He’s just so damn angry and tired and he wants to-

He doesn’t know what he wants. 

He doesn’t know what they’re doing here.

He doesn’t know why they’re making things so god damn complicated. 

This isn’t some kind of TV-drama. They should be able to talk things out without either of them tearing up or choking around words that should be so easy to speak out loud for grown up people. 

They stop walking on a clearing that’s surrounded by a wooden fence, marking the sharp cliff that’s right behind it.

There’s something that looks like a barbecue place and a table but it’s covered in snow so Kyungsoo can’t be too sure.

It must look really nice during summer. 

„How did you know where my inhaler was?“ He asks, voice raw from the cold when the both of them are standing against the railing, gloved hands holding onto the wood. „I didn’t think you’d remember.“

The forest looks almost pitch black underneath them, the tips of the pine trees glowing in the light of the moon. 

„Of course I remember.“ Jongin clears his throat when their eyes meet and quickly turns his head away. „You had three.“ A gush of wind makes both of them shiver, burrow deeper into their clothes. „One in your back pack. One at your dorm. I made you add the one in your car after you got an attack when we went on that road trip to Busan. You got an attack from drinking too much soju and you didn’t have an inhaler. I thought you were going to die.“

Kyungsoo can remember that day so clearly. They went together with Taemin and Jungah and all in all, the trip was really great. They went to the beach the first night and up to that day, Kyungsoo didn’t even know that alcohol could trigger an asthma attack, hence why he was so unprepared when his throat started closing up after his fourth bottle of soju.

„Jungah started crying.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, remembering that Jongin’s sister was too drunk to make sense of the situation and how she started sobbing hysterically at that bar, shouting that Kyungsoo was dying. 

Jongin smiles when Kyungsoo turns his head to look at him and he feels his insides melt because Jongin - despite looking so remorseful and tired - is still the most beautiful thing to look at if you ask Kyungsoo.

„You carried me to the taxi station.“ He adds absently. Kyungsoo was too drunk to walk and he was also too busy trying not to suffocate so he didn’t even have the energy to protest when Jongin lifted him up and carried him piggyback through the busy city. „And you strained your back. You couldn’t dance for two weeks because of me.“

„Not because of you.“ Jongin shakes his head immediately, a disapproving look on his face. „My back was just weak.“

But that’s not true and they both know it but Kyungsoo decides to remain silent. 

„Do you remember that time, when we were coming back from the cinema?“ Kyungsoo talks but he doesn’t know why. Maybe he’s just tired. 

Maybe he just wants to clear things up once and for all.

Maybe he just misses his best friend.

„The car stopped, in the middle of the highway.“

Jongin nods, smiling to himself. „You managed to barely pull over on that creepy parking lot and it was like… one in the morning. I honestly thought we were going to die that night.“ 

Kyungsoo smiles too, looking at the ground. They had to wait for almost two hours until someone came over to bring them some gas.

They sat in the back of the car, Jongin resting his head on Kyungsoo lap, making him pet his hair like he always did.

 

 

 

_„If we get murdered tonight, I think we should tell someone which song we want to be played at our funeral.“ Jongin mumbled sleepily._

_„Our funeral?“_

_„Yes?“ Jongin looked up at him. „If we die at the same time, it’s only normal for us to get buried together too. I want to be buried next to you anyways.“_

_„Don’t talk about stuff like that. No one’s going to die.“_

_Jongin shrugged, his thumb rubbing mindless patterns into the inside of Kyungsoo’s leg. „You never know… But you do remember which song I want, right?“_

_Kyungsoo frowned down at him. „Jongin… I really don’t want to be talking about your funeral.“_

_This made the younger smile at him. „I’m not dying, hyung. It’s just a question. Just making sure you listen to me when I talk to you, you know?“_

_„Dust in the wind.“ Kyungsoo finally gave in. „Isn’t it?“_

_Jongin hummed, closing his eyes. „It’s such a pretty song. I used to be scared of dying but after I listened to that song, I’m not scared anymore. Isn’t that weird?“_

_„You’re nineteen. Why are you thinking about death?“ Kyungsoo suddenly felt anxious and his heart hurt just thinking about Jongin not being there anymore._

_Jongin, sensing his distress, sat up and gave him an apologetic look. „Hey… Hyung? I’m sorry if I upset you. I’m not dying for a long, long time. You’re stuck with me forever.“ He chuckled, his eyes crinkling and his face so close to Kyungsoo’s. „Is that really what you want?“_

_„I’m fine with that, you idiot.“_

 

 

 

Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin is thinking about that right now too. He wonder if it hurts him as much, thinking about those kind of memories of them together. 

He wishes he’d have the courage to ask but remembering that moment suddenly has made him go weak and vulnerable again. He misses those things. He misses being able to talk with Jongin about everything, for hours and hours, no matter how much time they had already spent together that day.

He doesn’t know if it’s because Jongin can’t see his face clearly out here in the night.

Maybe it’s because he’s so tired from the lack of sleep.

Tired from the emotional rollercoaster he’s been going through ever since he came here. 

But his lips suddenly open up, words slipping out that make the silence around them grow ten times more intense. 

„Why did you do it?“ 

 

 

There. It’s out. 

The question.

Baekhyun would be so proud. 

But Kyungsoo honestly just feels like taking them back when Jongin freezes and looks at him with those wide, scared eyes. When he stays silent like that for a minute, and then another one and Kyungsoo’s heart starts slowing down and it starts to hurt because Jongin isn’t answering. 

„Jongin.“ He tries again. „Answer me.“

Jongin blinks, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times before he averts his eyes, staring at the ground as his eyebrows start furrowing. 

Kyungsoo expects him to act like he doesn’t know what Kyungsoo is talking about, just like he did back then in the library when Kyungsoo confronted him about the kiss. 

But he’s wrong, because apparently Jongin did some growing up in the years they spent apart, because after another moment of nerve wracking silence Jongin looks up, straight into his eyes. 

„It’s all my fault, isn’t it?“ Jongin whispers.

„Can’t you just answer my question?“ 

„I will, hyung but… I’m scared I don’t have the answers you want to hear.“ Jongin makes a pained expression and Kyungsoo shakes his head.

„I don’t expect anything. I just want an explanation.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „You owe me that much. Don’t you think?“ 

„I know. I’m sorry.“ Jongin looks nervous and scared and even now all Kyungsoo wants to do is reach out and hold his hand to comfort him but he refrains from doing so. „Please just hear me out until the end.“ 

„Okay.“ Kyungsoo can’t help how gentle his voice sounds, like he’s subconsciously trying to make Jongin feel at ease and it seems to work because the younger’s shoulders sag a little when the tension leaves him.

„Okay… I— shit… I can’t…“ Jongin chuckles nervously and he’s blinking furiously and Kyungsoo’s suddenly worried he’s going to cry.

„Jongin—“

„Hyung.“ Jongin turns to look at him, his eyes looking dangerously wet. „You know that I never meant to hurt you, right? I know I treated to you so bad but I never.. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry for doing that to you.“

„Why did you do it then? How does that make sense-“

„I loved you.“

 

 

 

 

 

The next take of breath feels like ice in his lungs. Kyungsoo looks up, a crease between his brows, his chest squeezing painfully when he locks eyes with Jongin.

„You- You what ?“ 

Jongin’s voice is shaking and he isn’t really meeting Kyungsoo’s eyes anymore. „Do you remember that night when Baekhyun hyung got arrested because he used pepper spray on this old man?“ 

Kyungsoo doesn’t know why Jongin is suddenly talking about Baekhyun, he just nods absently but he can’t get over Jongin’s words, how easily they just slipped out, like it’s something you just throw into a conversation like that.

_I loved you._

„Everyone was freaking out but you were, so calm and collected. You got him out of there just by talking to the police. And you even went back to check up on that old man. I think I knew that night, hyung. Or no, that’s not right. I just realized that… I felt that way about you.“ 

„That was at the beginning of college, Jongin.“ Kyungsoo whispers. 

„I— I know.“ 

„That can’t be.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head. „Stop lying.“

„I’m not lying.“ Jongin meets his eyes again. „I’m telling the truth.“ 

„If you—“ It feels so wrong to say it, because saying it makes it feel like it’s real and Kyungsoo just doesn’t think he can believe in a reality where Jongin used to have such feelings for him. „If that’s true, why did you do that to me?“ 

Jongin gulps, his eyes boring into Kyungsoo’s nervously. „When I heard you say those things at Taemin’s party that night… a part of me felt so relieved. Because I was hoping for you to feel the same but I never thought you would because you always treated me like I was your little brother, so I never bothered to think what would happen if we both had those feelings for each other.“

The younger pauses and looks at him, like he’s waiting for Kyungsoo to say something but what is he supposed to say to this? 

How is he supposed to react when Jonging expects him to wrap his mind around the fact that Jongin - in the past - used to feel the same about him? 

When they were sleeping in the same bed, with Kyungsoo’s heart hurting so much because he loved Jongin more than he should, Jongin used to feel the same?

No… No that can’t be right.

_It can’t._

„So when I heard you say that.. I was terrified. When I kissed you that night, I realized just how much— how much I loved you, hyung. It scared the shit out of me. Because the only thing I could think about was my parents. They loved each other so much and they got together at around the same age as we were back then and look where they are now. When you pushed me away after I kissed you all I could think was that I was so stupid to risk our friendship for something that could break us apart in the future. I didn’t want to lose you. You were everything to me, hyung, like I would think of you before I fell asleep and my first thought in the morning would be you as well. It wasn’t healthy. And I just didn’t want to take the risk of loving you if it meant we would start hating each other in the future.“

„You still pushed me away.“ Kyungsoo says, shaking his head. „We stopped talking, we stopped being friends. How is that better?“

„I know now that my way of dealing with it wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense and most of all, it wasn’t fair to you but it was the only way I could think of. I couldn’t distance myself from you so I just… I thought if we spent some time apart my feelings would go away; that we could go back to being friends. Fuck… I— I know it was stupid. And it just got out of hand, because I realized that even spending weeks without talking to you my feelings didn’t change. They just got worse. I honestly don’t know what the hell I was thinking but at some point I had done so much damage I didn’t know how to set things right anymore. So I just ran away at the first opportunity I got.“

Kyungsoo stays silent for a long time, simply taking in everything Jongin just told him. „You left me believing that it was my fault. I thought I— I thought you hated me. I thought you were disgusted with me.“

„No.“ Jongin shakes his head, turning to face him. „Hyung, no, I wasn’t. When I told you those things— and I saw that look on your face it hurt so much worse than you punching me for it.“

Kyungsoo thinks about Jongin accusing him of all those horrible things, and about him punching him in the face and how Jongin started crying. 

Thinking about it now, if Kyungsoo wasn’t so emotional back then, he probably would’ve seen through it, seen through Jongin’s act because he remembers how sad Jongin looked. He should’ve realized that no one would’ve said those things to someone and then hug them and cry the way Jongin did that evening. 

„So you’re saying that we stopped being friends because you were scared of being in a relationship with me?“

Jongin pauses and then nods, a pained expression on his face like he knows how terrible that sounds. 

„Why didn’t you tell me?“ Kyungsoo asks. „We didn’t have to— I would’ve understood. I wouldn’t have forced you into anything, Jongin, even I knew you had those feelings for me.“

„I know that. I know you wouldn’t have.“ Jongin’s eyes grow soft as he looks into Kyungsoo’s and Kyungsoo’s heart pounds harder because god… _Jongin_. „But I couldn’t be with you without wanting more. Especially after knowing that you loved me back.“

„And losing our friendship was better?“

It’s started snowing again. It starts with a couple of snow flakes but they turn into more and more and Kyungsoo knows that it won’t be long until the nightly storm starts again.

„Of course not.“ Jongin chuckles sadly. „It felt like I was actually going to die, seeing you every day and not being to hug you or hear you laugh because of me. I know you hated me and I know all our friends hated me but out of everyone, I hated me the most. Whenever I saw how sad you looked when I ignored you it felt like you were ripping my heart apart.“

„You should’ve just talked to me. Did I— Did I ever give you reason to believe that I wouldn’t be understanding?“

„What?“ Jongin’s eyes widen as he shakes his head. „No, no of course not. Hyung, all of that was my fault alone. Please don’t think you did anything wrong. I was a coward, I was immature and I thought what I did was the only way to protect both our feelings. Hyung, we were young. Not many relationships last when people get together at such a young age. Sure, we would’ve been in love and it would’ve been amazing to be with you… like that at that time.“ Jongin clears his throat, his cheeks reddening and Kyungsoo blinks a couple of times, trying to imagine both of them together like that in college.

It seems wrong because it’s like that’s never been a possibility. Like Jongin and Kyungsoo were only ever meant to be _that_ ; friends, nothing more.

„There were so many times I stood in front of your door, ready to apologize and ask for your forgiveness and tell you that I loved you and that we should try it out; being boyfriends. But every time that happened I just imagined our future and how we would start hurting each other and it was so scary, to think that we might end up like my parents did. Because it’s one thing to go separate ways after a friendship, there’s always a possibility of making up and becoming friends again. But if you do something so unforgivable in a relationship, if you hurt the other so much like my father did, there’s no going back. What would’ve happened if our feelings changed? We couldn’t have gone back to just being friends. At least I couldn’t have. Do you— do you understand what I’m trying to say?“

Kyungsoo understands. It makes sense what Jongin says and still, he can’t help but feel disappointed and hurt. He felt like such a horrible person for years because Jongin left him believing that he took advantage of Jongin, that he forced himself on him, that he was some sort of pervert and that that was the reason why Jongin ended things so abruptly.

He always thought there had to be something big behind all of that but in reality, it was just _this._

Something so simple caused them to lose their friendship.

„I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I should’ve talked to you, I shouldn’t have made you feel like it was your fault. If I could turn back time and fix things, I would. I swear I would.“

The wind is stronger now and it hits Kyungsoo in the face so forcefully that he loses his breath for a moment. Or maybe it’s just the way Jongin is looking at him right now, like there’s still a lot of unsaid things but most of all, he just looks sincere. The darkness underneath his eyes and the way his eyes never once leave Kyungsoo’s are sincere enough for Kyungsoo to believe his words. 

Because no matter how much time has passed, no matter how different they are now, even if there’s no real possibility for Jongin and Kyungsoo to be like they used to be - this man in front of him is still Jongin. 

It’s still the dorky boy that used to get scared of practically everything. The one who got excited about the most ridiculous things. Who used to go out of his way to make sure Kyungsoo was okay, to make sure Kyungsoo was healthy and happy. The one whose smile made all of Kyungsoo’s worries vanish whenever he woke up in the morning beside him. 

They can’t have that back.

Kyungsoo knows that. 

And he also knows that they had their chance at love - and they both messed it up - and now, two years later, things are so different and he can’t help but feel like they’re too late.

Their time’s up.

It hurts when the thought finally sinks in as his eyes still take in Jongin’s handsome face like it’s the first and last time he’ll get to see him.

He has to accept that there’s no use in dwelling in old memories and harboring those emotions he has for Jongin when it’ll only keep hurting him in the future.

Kyungsoo has to bury this love if he ever wants to move on and have a chance at being truly happy. 

Yet those next few moments hurt more than he was prepared for. 

„It’s okay. It’s all in the past.“ Kyungsoo says, trying to smile despite Jongin’s searching eyes on him. „I’m glad you told me truth.“

„I’m sorry I was so late. I hope you know now that none of that was your fault. And I also hope that you understand how sorry I am, hyung. Please understand that.“

„I understand.“ He nods his head and Jongin doesn’t look convinced. „I really do. We both could’ve handled things better back then but what’s done is done and… we just have to leave that and move on.“

Jongin sighs, looking spent more than anything. „You’re so… you’ve always been too kind, do you know that?“

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, instead clears his throat and looks away. „Let’s just try and get along. There’s only a few days left.“ 

„Okay.“ Jongin bites his lower lips, looking nervous all of a sudden. „It _is_ in the past, hyung… isn’t it?“ 

Kyungsoo looks into his brown eyes. „Of course it is.“ He chuckles, his nose suddenly prickling when Jongin’s shoulder sag in something like relief. 

„I still love you.“ Jongin gulps, his eyes somehow turning dull, and before Kyungsoo react he opens his mouth again. „I still love you as my friend. That hasn’t changed.“ 

Kyungsoo manages to smile even though it feels like someone is pressing down a heavy stone on his chest. It’s so hard and it fucking hurts. „I feel the same way.“ 

Jongin looks at him for a moment, silent and calculating and Kyungsoo wants him to stop because he feels stupid and too vulnerable right now to be able to deal with Jongin’s puffy eyes and this questioning look in them. He doesn’t know if he can pull himself together for much longer tonight.

„Let’s go inside.“ Kyungsoo says and doesn’t give Jongin the chance to respond when he turns around and starts stomping his way through the thick layers of snow on the ground. He hears Jongin following him a few seconds later and he has to squint his eyes from how heavily the snow is falling now. It’s incredibly cold, Kyungsoo’s teeth are chattering and his chest hurts.

It’s not from his earlier asthma attack; he knows that.

It’s quiet inside the house and the sound of their boots hitting the floor as well as the howling wind from outside are disturbing it. Kyungsoo hopes they won’t wake anyone up when he shuts the door with some difficulty since the wind really is extremely strong.

„It’s worse tonight.“ Jongin mumbles while they’re removing their coats. 

Kyungsoo replies with some delay, hopes Jongin doesn’t notice it. His thoughts are just too messy right now and he’s trying quite hard to stay strong in front of Jongin. „What is?“ 

„The storm.“ 

He wants to ask how Jongin would know since the storm usually starts when they’re asleep but then he remember that Jongin probably doesn’t sleep at all once it starts. 

„Are you scared?“ He asks, looking up, feeling a pang in his chest when their eyes lock. 

He swallows, hard, wanting to laugh when he finds himself wishing to be able to turn back time.

Back to when Jongin was in love with him. He just wants to know how it feels, to be loved back. Just to feel something else but this gaping pain his heart whenever he looks at the boy.

„I’m not… scared.“ Jongin mumbles, pulling his gloves off. „I just can’t sleep.“

„But you can’t sleep because you’re scared.“ Kyungsoo ruffles a hand through his hair after pulling his hat off and the corners of his mouth twitch when Jongin does the same. He looks like a little school boy that just came back from playing outside in the snow with his red cheeks and his tousled hair. 

Kyungsoo feels like crying. 

„I guess.“ Jongin grumbles, sounding like a little child again.

It’s almost like back when they were in college, when Kyungsoo used to tease him and when Jongin would get upset about it and Kyungsoo would pull him into a hug and hold him until Jongin would melt in his arms and forgive him again.

There’s still some embers in the fireplace, the crackling sound something Kyungsoo grew used to within the short period of time they’ve been staying here.

The silence between them is suffocating and when Kyungsoo walks up the stairs he can feel Jongin’s eyes burning in his back and he hates himself for feeling like this, especially now that he knows for sure that he doesn’t have a reason anymore to feel so sad.

Jongin apologized, he apologized enough and he explained everything and there aren’t any unanswered questions anymore he could blame for feeling so incomplete and frustrated.

Kyungsoo doesn’t have anything else but himself to blame.

He’s just an idiot who doesn’t know how to stop being in love with his best friend. Or what used to be his best friend… 

„Hyung… is everything okay?“ Jongin whispers once they reach the door to his room. The others are sleeping already and the hallway is barely lit, making it hard to see Jongin’s face. „Are we okay?“ 

„Of course.“ Kyungsoo replies. „I’m glad we talked.“

Jongin blinks a couple of times before he nods. „Me too.“ 

„I’ll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight.“ 

He knows Jongin is scared. He can see it in his movements, how he’s playing with the hem of his shirt but it’s not Kyungsoo’s responsibility anymore to make sure he can fall asleep. „Goodnight.“ Jongin says and the way his voice wavers for a second and how he looks like he wants to say something else would usually be more than enough to make Kyungsoo give in. 

Kyungsoo barely has enough time to react when Jongin suddenly pulls him into his arms. He just stands in his embrace with wide eyes, the sweet and familiar scent of Jongin’s skin too overwhelming. 

They hugged hours before this too but there were layers of clothing and coats separating them. Now there’s nothing much, there’s just Jongin’s chest pressing against him. Jongin’s heartbeat pressed against the right side of his chest, next to his own. Kyungsoo knows Jongin can feels how uncontrollably hard Kyungsoo’s heart is beating and he’s glad when the younger doesn’t say anything about it. He only tightens his arms around Kyungsoo and the latter squeezes his eyes shut, face pressed into Jongin’s shoulder. His own hands are suddenly curled into Jongin’s sweater, squeezing so hard his knuckles start to hurt. 

„Please.. let’s be friends again.“ Jongin whispers into his neck, his lips brushing against Kyungsoo’s skin. „I just want you back in my life.“ 

Kyungsoo’s breath is unsteady when it leaves his lips. „We are friends, Jongin.“

Jongin pulls back to look at him and everything’s so silent around them yet it’s like Jongin’s eyes are screaming something at him but Kyungsoo stopped understanding him such a long time ago that he has no clue what Jongin is trying to hell him. „Okay.“ Jongin whispers. „Okay.“

„Sleep tight.“ Kyungsoo smiles and starts stepping back.

„You too.“ Jongin’s eyes don’t leave him so Kyungsoo turns around and walks to his room, shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible and once it’s closed he just stands there.

His forehead pressed against it, hand still on the door knob, his heart beat thrumming in his ears and everywhere else too. 

His eyes are stinging but he refuses to cry over this. He’s done crying.

He’s done being so pathetic and weak. 

„Get a grip you fucking idiot.“ He whispers as he squeezes his eyes shut tightly when the wind makes the shutters rattle against the windows. „It’s over.“ 

 

 

 

 

He wakes up the next morning to Mariah Carry singing All I want for Christmas through Chanyeol’s speakers downstairs Kyungsoo just shakes his head, wondering why his friends are like this as he stretches his arm out to pick up his phone. 

It’s already past ten. He doesn’t usually sleep in this late. 

Kyungsoo blinks a couple of times, his mind still foggy with sleep before he remembers everything that happened the night before and he thinks if someone pressed a stethoscope against his chest right now, they’d be able to hear something crack. 

He shakes his head and gets up to take a shower. There’s no use in being depressed over this. The sooner he gets over it, the better for him and for their attempt on saving what’s left of their friendship, Jongin and him.

When he walks downstairs later he sees that most of the guys are already up. Sehun is sprawled across the couch, watching the news with a bowl of soup in his hand and Chanyeol’s sitting on the ground in front of him on his laptop. 

„Baekhyun made soup if you want some.“ Sehun says through a mouthful when Kyungsoo walks over to say good morning. He ruffles his hair and Sehun smiles up at him but it fades as soon as he looks into Kyungsoo’s eyes. „What’s wrong?“

„Nothing. Why?“ Kyungsoo frowns.

Sehun turns around on the couch, resting his bowl of soup on the back of the couch as he shakes his head at Kyungsoo. „You look horrible.“

„I’m tired, that’s all.“ Kyungsoo smiles but Chanyeol turns around too, a concerned look on his face.

„Is it your chest? Should we take you to a hospital?“ 

„It was just an asthma attack, Yeol. I’m fine.“ Kyungsoo sighs. „But thank you.“

They don’t look convinced so Kyungsoo just turns around and walks into the kitchen where Baekhyun is dancing to yet another Christmas song while he’s washing some dishes together with Jongdae.

„Soo!“ Jongdae smiles at him. „Have some soup.“ 

„How are you feeling?“ Baekhyun asks over his shoulder when Kyungsoo slides into one of the chairs at the kitchen isle, thanking Jongdae when he passes him a bowl and a spoon. 

„Good.“ 

„You look really tired though.“ Jongdae eyes him up and down, leaning against the counter with his hip. 

„Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.“ He clears his throat, hoping they won’t see through his lie. The soup is hot but it’s nice, makes him feel warm because despite the good heating in the house, there’s some kind of cold feeling in his bones he can’t seem to get rid of no matter how many layers of clothing he’s wearing. „The soup’s really nice.“

„Thanks. I got the recipe from my mom.“ Baekhyun mumbles as he dries his hands on a towel after finishing drying up the dishes. „We thought we’d go grocery shopping today, since there are still three days left. You wanna come?“ 

„Is everyone going?“

„Nah. Just me and Sehun, the others want to have a lazy day. I thought we could make fondue tonight but we don’t have any fresh bread and we’re also running out of beer too.“

„Yeah, sure.“ Kyungsoo nods. 

„Oh, hey Jongin!“ 

Kyungsoo tenses for a second before he remembers that he should stop. 

„Morning.“ Jongin mumbles and a second later he’s sitting in the chair next to Kyungsoo, rubbing at his puffy eyes. „Morning, hyung.“ He smiles at Kyungsoo, warm and sleepily.

_ We’re friends again. Act like you always did. _

„Morning. Slept well?“ Kyungsoo smiles back and Jongin nods and this is a lot harder than Kyungsoo imagined.

When he looks up he sees that Jongdae and Baekhyun are eyeing them weirdly. 

„What?“

„Did I miss something?“ Baekhyun asks.

„Miss what?“

„Uhm… for a moment it felt like… you know. Jongin and Kyungsoo.“ 

Jongdae nods in agreement but his eyes are worried when they lock with Kyungsoo’s. „We talked, that’s all. Everything’s okay now.“ 

„What do you mean okay?“ Baekhyun’s voice is almost shrill at this point.

„Look.. please don’t make a big deal out of this.“ Kyungsoo sighs.

Jongdae and Baekhyun look worried and Kyungsoo just hopes that this day goes over fast because he doesn’t know if he can handle his friends being so nosy about this entire issue. 

 

 

 

An hour later he finds himself sitting in the passenger seat of Jongin’s car with said person driving while Sehun and Baekhyun are sitting in the back. Kyungsoo glares out of the window the entire ride, his entire posture tense and his migraines already acting up again. 

He knows Baekhyun’s just trying to help but he doesn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable he makes Kyungsoo feel with his stupid plans.

Like this one, where he thought it would be a good idea to ask Jongin to join them for shopping groceries and even going as far as making Kyungsoo sit in the front.

„Uhm… Kyungsoo hyung, could you hand me a tissue please?“ Sehun asks five minutes into the ride. 

„I don’t have any.“ Kyungsoo mumbles absently. 

„There are some in the glove compartment.“ 

Kyungsoo sighs and leans forward to open it before he realizes that he probably should ask Jongin if it’s okay since he might have some private stuff in there. Jongin nods his head and Kyungsoo goes ahead to open it, reaching for the box of tissues. He pulls one out and gives it to Sehun and as he’s about to close the lid again, his eyes land on something very familiar. 

It’s familiar because Kyungsoo was the one who put it there a year ago. 

He knows Sehun did it on purpose. 

Sehun and Jongin have been keeping it touch through the years the most and he knows that they’ve been seeing each other after Jongin came back so Sehun must’ve known what’s in there, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked for a tissue. 

Kyungsoo can’t help himself when he reaches inside to pull the little stuffed animal out. It’s a blue bear with a pink hear on it’s stomach, the words „I love you!“ stitched in the middle of it. 

He can’t help but smile at the toy, not even realizing how Jongin keeps glancing at him worriedly. 

 

 

 

 

_„Jongin, let’s go. These machines are just made to fleece people.“ Kyungsoo tries to pull Jongin away from the toy machine but Jongin just whines._

_„I know I can get it hyung!“_

_„It’s just a stupid bear.“ Kyungsoo groans. „I’ll buy you one at the toy store, huh?“_

_„No, I want to win it for you.“_

_„I don’t want it.“_

_Jongin pouts at him and Kyungsoo feels his resolve crumble again._

_„Okay, just one more try and then we’re going!“_

_Jongin starts beaming as he puts in another coin, looking concentrated as he guides the robot arm to the right spot where it’s most likely to grab the toy Jongin wants to get. He looks really adorable with his tongue stuck between his lips in concentration and a determined look on his face. He just got out of practice and they went to the funfair straight after so he looks a little worn out and sleepy in his oversized hoody and messy hair but it’s how Kyungsoo likes him best._

_He really shouldn’t think those things but lately it’s been getting harder and harder to contain himself from doing it._

_„I got it!“ Jongin suddenly shouts and when Kyungsoo manages to tear his eyes away from him he looks up just in time to see the robot arm drop the toy into the opening, Jongin leaning down to pull it out and present it to Kyungsoo with a proud smile on his face. „I told you I could get it.“_

_Kyungsoo laughs and takes the toy, shaking his head because it looks so cheap and tacky but it’s also kind of cute. „Don’t you want to give this to Dahyun?“_

_„Dahyun? Why?“_

_„She looks like she wants you to give it to her.“_

_Jongin turns to look to where Kyungsoo is looking at and there is a group of girls standing in front of the ice cream stand and Dahyun immediately turns her head away, her cheeks turning slightly pink upon getting caught staring._

_Kyungsoo finds it cute but… yeah._

_„Does she like me?“ Jongin looks confused and Kyungsoo just laughs at how oblivious he is._

_„Everyone likes you, idiot.“ Kyungsoo presses the bear into his chest and starts walking away, making sure to smile when Dahyun waves at them nervously. She’s a really nice girl and Kyungsoo wishes Jongin wasn’t so oblivious to her eyes on him because she looks really hurt when Jongin misses her greeting._

_„I wont this for you and you didn’t even say thank you.“ Jongin grumbles when they’re walking back to his car._

_Kyungsoo gets inside and buckles his seat belt and takes the toy from Jongin with a roll of his eyes. „Thank you, Jongin. I’ve always wanted something like this!“_

_Jongin pouts again and Kyungsoo starts laughing, reaching out to ruffle his hair. He stops laughing when Jongin takes his hand and pulls it into his lap, keeping their palms pressed together like that’s something friends do. „We should name it.“_

_„No, we shouldn’t."_

_„I spent ten bucks on that thing, so we’re going to name it.“_

_„You name it. I suck at those things.“_

_„What about… Soo?“_

_Kyungsoo snorts. „What? Because I look like a fat bear?_

_„No!“ Jongin exclaims. „Soo is a cute name. And you’re cute too, hyung. You’re cute like a teddy bear.“_

_„You better shut up, Jongin.“ Kyungsoo looks at him in warning and Jongin only laughs._

_„His name is Soo, it’s decided… Don’t ever lose him, okay? I want you to remember me whenever you look at it.“_

_„Jongin, I see you everyday.“_

_„One day you might not be able to and then you’ll be glad to have him.“ Jongin smiles at him as he shrugs his shoulders._

_„You know I will lose it though. I think you should keep it.“_

_„But I won it for you…“_

_„Let’s just leave it in your car, okay? Look, I even said a little prayer. Now it’ll keep you safe when you’re driving.“_

_Jongin laughs and shakes his head. „And you always say I’m the cheesy one.“_

_„That’s because you are.“ Kyungsoo snorts and opens the glove compartment to put the bear inside. „Now you have a guardian angel.“_

 

 

 

 

Sehun clears his throat and Kyungsoo blinks down at the bear, glancing at Jongin whose ears look a little red at this point. „You still have this?“ 

„Uhm. That? I didn’t know that was still in there.“ Jongin shrugs his shoulders. „I didn’t clean my car when I left for England. And I only just got back so…“

That’s a lie. Jongin came back almost three months ago but Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything. He just brushes his thumb over the letter on the bear’s tummy and he can feel Jongin’s eyes on him, heavy and suffocating. 

„Dude! Eyes on the road!“ Sehun exclaims when Jongin stares at Kyungsoo for too long.

Kyungsoo can’t even put into words how much he wants to go back and pack his things and leave because even looking at this stupid piece of toy hurts more than any asthma attack he’s ever had.

 

 

 

It’s not a huge grocery store since it’s basically only there for the people that come to spend their vacation up in the mountains and therefore there aren’t any other customers either so Kyungsoo really doesn’t understand why Baekhyun wants to split up and he lets him know that when he speaks out his dumb idea. 

„We’ll be done a lot faster! What, are we four just going to follow each other around through the entire store? Here, I’ve prepared a list for you two. Sehun and I are going to take care of the perishable stuff.“

Kyungsoo glares at Baekhyun who only blinks at him in return and since he can’t really argue with him in front of Jongin without giving away just why he doesn’t feel comfortable yet spending time with Jongin he snatches the list out of Baekhyun’s hands and walks into the store, a confused Jongin following him. 

Jongin carries the basket while Kyungsoo tries to find the things that Baekhyun wrote down. It’s mostly unhealthy stuff like chips and popcorn and sweets and Kyungsoo again finds it hard to believe that the most of them are already in their mid twenties.

He walks further down the isles and it’s only when he doesn’t feel Jongin’s presence behind him that he stops to look where he is. Jongin has stopped a little further back to look at something so Kyungsoo walks back to ask what’s taking him so long.

„Do you want to get that?“ He asks and eyes the box in Jongin’s hand. 

„No… but they changed the brand of those.“ Jongin hums. „Look.“ 

Kyungsoo looks at it and understands what Jongin is talking about. It’s those black chewing gums that are supposed to keep you awake when you’re studying or driving for a long time. 

They used to live on those things during exam time when they couldn’t stand the taste of coffee and energy drinks any longer. 

„The packaging too.“ Kyungsoo nods his head as he eyes the picture of a kind of paranoid looking smiley on the front. „There used to be a wolf on this.“

„Yeah…“ Jongin mumbles absently. „Why a wolf though? Like… what does it have anything to do with energy?“ 

Kyungsoo chuckles. „I don’t know. Maybe because it’s a creature of the night or something.“ 

Jongin looks up at him and laughs, his eyes crinkling adorably and Kyungsoo quickly looks away before he can get affected by it.

„I couldn’t sleep the entire night because I chewed too many of these once.“ 

„You kept me awake the entire time too.“ Kyungsoo says before thinking about it. 

Jongin looks at him weirdly for a second before his eyes turn soft, his smile a little solemn. „I’m sorry for that. I used to be such a brat.“ 

Kyungsoo looks up too and he realizes how close they’re standing, like they’re in their own bubble, shoulders pressed together while they’re looking at the box. „You were, a little. But it’s not like I ever complained.“ 

Jongin smiles, more genuine this time. „You were always way too nice to me. I wish you would’ve put me in my place from time to time.“ 

„Well, I did pamper you all the time, didn’t I? So it’s also my fault that you turned into such an insufferable brat.“ 

„Hey… I wasn’t that bad.“ He looks slightly worried now. „Was I?“ 

Kyungsoo snorts softly, shaking his head as he takes the box from Jongin’s hands. „You were fine, Jongin. You weren’t my best friend for nothing.“ 

He puts the box back and when he looks up, Jongin is still staring at him and Kyungsoo doesn’t expect him to ask what comes next. „You really loved me, didn’t you?“ 

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to react to that question. He just looks into Jongin’s eyes, trying to figure out what exactly Jongin wants to hear and also wondering if Jongin can tell what Kyungsoo is feeling.

If he knows that when Kyungsoo nods, that he isn’t talking about it in past tense. „I did.“ 

They look at each other for a few seconds and Jongin looks like he’s about to say something else but Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hear anything more. It’s too early in the morning and he’s still not quite over everything Jongin told him the night before.

Kyungsoo wants to ask him if it’s the same for him. If Jongin really did love Kyungsoo as much as Kyungsoo loved him. 

As much as he still loves Jongin, like the fool he is.

But he just gives him a tight smile and turns around, concentrating on finding the honey butter chips rather than the way the skin on his neck prickles from the pair of eyes boring into his back.

 

 

 

The rest of the day goes by without Kyungsoo really noticing it. 

Jongin takes a nap for a few hours since he couldn’t sleep again because of the storm and Kyungsoo feels bad about it, knows that simply his presence in the same bedroom would’ve been enough for the younger to calm down and fall asleep. 

Chanyeol and Yixing play with this new app Chanyeol downloaded on his laptop where you can produce different kind of sounds. 

Sehun and Junmyeon are in their room doing things Kyungsoo doesn’t even want to start thinking about. He still doesn’t know what the hell’s going on between them or when or how this thing happened but they both seem happy so he figures he shouldn’t care about it all that much. 

That leaves him and Jongdae together with Minseok and Baekhyun sitting in the living room, sipping on tea like they’re a bunch of middle aged woman on a get together to gossip about their husbands.

„Alright, spill the tea.“ Baekhyun says once the sun starts setting while Jongdae is busy putting some logs into the fireplace to light it up again. „Not literally please.“ He squeaks, holding his cup of tea a little tighter. „I’ve done enough cleaning for the rest of my life.“ 

Kyungsoo knows what he wants to hear. He puts his cup down and leans back, his shoulder pressed against Minseok’s when he shrugs. „I already told you.“

„No you didn’t. What did you mean with everything’s okay? What the fuck?“

„Did you ever stop to ask yourself if I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with you?“

„No.“ Baekhyun says. „What did you mean by that?“ He asks, completely ignoring Kyungsoo’s question. 

„Just that. Everything’s fucking peachy.“ 

„No, see that’s the problem with you two. You talked, yeah. But you didn’t fucking _talk_. I talked to Jongin; I told him to grow a fucking pair and just man up—“

„Baek, calm down.“ Minseok rolls his eyes.

„I’m not calming down. I care about you, Soo. I just don’t understand why you don’t care about yourself. Why do you always just accept everything Jongin does to you?“ 

„He didn’t do anything!“ Kyungsoo glares at Baekhyun. „He apologized for what he did and I’m not a fucking asshole so I’m not going to make him feel awful about something that happened two years ago.“ 

„You don’t get it.“ Baekhyun sighs. „You still love him. And you don’t tell him because you think he doesn’t feel the same. But let me tell you that he—“ 

„He told me.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head and everyone goes silent all of a sudden. „That he used to be in love with me. I didn’t know that. Now I do. But that’s in the past. He doesn’t feel like that anymore and I have to accept that. I’m fine with that.“ 

Baekhyun’s face falls and he sags back against the couch. „Did he— did he really say that?“ 

Kyungsoo nods and Jongdae next to him let his head fall back, a groan escaping his lips. He wraps his arm around Kyungsoo and pulls him closer. „This is worse than my mom’s favorite drama; I swear to god.“ 

„Can we talk about something else?“ Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun who looks really small and confused. „Please.“ 

„I’m going to buy a house soon.“ Minseok suddenly speaks up and Kyungsoo turns to look at him, giving him a thankful smile. 

„Really? Where?“ Jongdae asks and Kyungsoo feels bad for only listening with one ear to the entire conversation but his mind is just too busy thinking about the boy sleeping upstairs in his room. 

 

 

Eating fondue shouldn’t be this messy. 

At least it wouldn’t be so messy if normal people were eating it. 

With them it’s just fucking chaos.

There’s cheese everywhere, the pot is filled with bread rather then cheese because no one seems to be able to get the bread to stick to the forks and Kyungsoo gave up trying to teach them how it works when Chanyeol started shouting how they should just pour the cheese over the bread and eat it like that. 

„Well.“ Baekhyun mumbles once they’re done eating, all of them staring at the mess on the table. „I’m not cleaning _that_ up.“ 

He’s not cleaning up because Kyungsoo is - as fate willed - together with Jongin. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t even bother getting upset about his friends anymore at this point. He just gets up and walks into the kitchen, waiting for the dirty dishes to arrive so he can get this over with as quickly as possible.

 

 

 

„God, this stuff sticks everywhere.“ Jongin whines while he’s scrubbing at a plate where the cheese has hardened up. „How do swiss people do it?“

„They eat it normally, that’s how.“ Kyungsoo snorts, taking the clean plate Jongin hands over to him to dry it up.

„Last time we did this, you cut your finger because of me.“

Kyungsoo hums, trying hard not to think about it because that has to be one of those nights where Kyungsoo really feared he was going to kiss Jongin because the urge to do so was so overwhelming right then and there.

„I won’t drop anything this time, I promise.“ Jongin mumbles quietly. He’s trying really hard to keep their conversation going and Kyungsoo once again feels like an asshole for not doing anything to help ease the awkward tension between them. 

Especially when Kyungsoo is the main source of that tension. 

„I would hope so.“ Kyungsoo chuckles. 

„I hate washing dishes.“ 

„Who doesn’t?“

„You liked doing it, didn’t you?“ Jongin asks and Kyungsoo turns to look at him. 

„I definitely didn’t. You guys just never did it so I had no choice.“ 

„Oh.“ Jongin pulls an apologetic face and shrugs. „But I always helped you when you had to do it…“ 

„Yeah. You did.“ 

They’re silent again after that and Kyungsoo just hopes that Jongin speeds things up because he doesn’t like how their arms keep brushing together at every movement.

And that’s a lie because of course he likes it. He likes it too much. 

It’s when Jongin hands him another plate that he suddenly stills, his hand reaching out grab Kyungsoo’s wrist. 

„What are you doing?“ Kyungsoo asks when Jongin doesn’t let go of his wrist, his fingers wet on Kyungsoo’s skin.

„What’s that?“ Jongin asks, eyebrows furrowed as he stares down at Kyungsoo’s hand.

„What’s what?“

„That scar.“ Jongin mumbles. „That wasn’t there before.“ 

Kyungsoo looks down at his hand, at the little round scar between his thumb and index finger. The skin is burned there so it’s a little lighter in color and the surface is smoother and shinier too. It’s not big at all so Kyungsoo doesn’t really understand how Jongin spotted it.

„Oh, that… I got hot glue on it on accident and it burned me.“ Kyungsoo explains. 

„What were you doing with hot glue? You never liked handcrafting.“ 

Kyungsoo bites his tongue. He doesn’t like how Jongin knows all these things about him; doesn’t like how it makes him feel.

„My ex liked it and I helped him once. Didn’t go so well as you can see.“ 

Jongin is silent for a moment and when Kyungsoo looks up at Jongin avoids his eyes. „Your ex…“

Kyungsoo nods and looks down at their hands when Jongin suddenly brushes his thumb over the little scar.

„I missed so much from your life.“ Jongin mumbles. „Didn’t I?“ 

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something but before he gets the chance to do so Jongin pulls his hand back and starts cleaning the dishes again. Kyungsoo looks at him for a moment longer, wondering what just happened to cause that look on his face but Jongin ignores him.

He ignores him the entire time they’re stuck in kitchen cleaning and once they’re done, he washes his hands and leaves without even giving Kyungsoo a second look.

 

 

They watch another horror movie after that but Kyungsoo has a hard time focusing on what’s happening on screen.

He doesn’t understand why Jongin reacted the way he did back in the kitchen. He already knows that Kyungsoo has an ex, he told it the first night they got here so that can’t be why he tuend so quiet all of a sudden and why he’s been ignoring Kyungsoo ever since.

Jongin doesn’t seem to be focusing on the movie all that much either. His eyes are focused on the screen but the look in them is absent and Kyungsoo finds it hard to look away from him. 

He doesn’t know why but he wants Jongin to look at him to make sure everything’s fine. That they’re still fine. At least as fine as the both of them can be in their current situation. 

But Jongin doesn’t and Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he’s sad or angry or both. 

He’s mostly just tired. 

 

 

When the movie ends, Kyungsoo is the first one trying to get up and wish everyone a good night so he can go upstairs and just sleep it all away like he always does. 

But Jongdae next to him has his fingers wrapped around his arm, keeping him in place. 

„What?“

„Wait a minute.“ Jongdae mumbles, smiling at the rest of their friends that get up to call it a night.

Kyungsoo feels irritated because he’s tired and Jongin annoys him with his attitude and said person is still sitting on the opposite couch as well and he’s-

Sehun’s holding him down as well.

„What are you doing?“ Kyungsoo whispers. „Let me go.“

„No, be a good boy and sit your ass down.“ Jongdae hisses.

Baekhyun gives him an encouraging smile when he leaves as well and Kyungsoo grows even more anxious. 

It’s silent when everyone’s gone, at least until Sehun and Jongdae get up. Jongin’s eyes lock with Kyungsoo’s for a moment and Kyungsoo’s heart drops down to the pit of his stomach.

„We hoped you guys would’ve done some growing up in the time you spent apart, but turns out you two are still as dumb as you used to be.“ Jongdae says. „You’re my friends and we all just want you to be happy and right now, you’re both miserable. And I know you have things you’re keeping from each other.“

„Jongdae-“ Kyungsoo starts, his voice wavering despite the warning (and slightly pleading) tone.

„No. Don’t Jongdae me right now. Look, guys… life’s too short to be so fucking sad over something so simple. What you two had was honestly something I’ve never seen before and to see you guys break apart like that was hard on all of us. I honestly feel like crying whenever I look at you keeping your distance from each other when it’s clear as day that you’re-“ Jongdae sighs and looks at Kyungsoo. „I don’t care if you hate me for doing this. I want you to be happy again and I know that only this fucker right here can do that.“ He nods his head towards Jongin. „There’s only two days left so just… stop beating around the bush and sort things out for once and all so we can all be one big happy family again, yeah?“ 

Sehun smirks at them and tugs at Jongdae’s arm, patting his shoulder while Jongdae gives Kyungsoo an apologetic smile before they both turn around and leave. 

Kyungsoo holds his breath in the silence that follows. He can’t focus on anything but the way he’s starting to sweat and how his heart feels like it’s going to stop any second. 

How could Jongdae do this to him? He knows best how hard it was for Kyungsoo… Why did he think it would be a good idea to throw him into such a situation after saying all those things that basically scream what Kyungsoo has been keeping to himself all this time?

Jongin’s eyes are wide and he just keeps staring at Kyungsoo like he’s waiting for him to the first move.

So Kyungsoo does move first. He gets up and starts walking away, hoping that Jongin just keeps sitting there so Kyungsoo can escape and ignore that any of this happened. 

But of course he doesn’t, because Jongin is a brat and he never does anything Kyungsoo wants him do. Because he’s suddenly gripping Kyungsoo’s arm, and then he’s suddenly standing in front of him, too close and too warm and too familiar. 

Kyungsoo looks up and Jongin looks nervous and scared and he wants to make the look go away. Jongin doesn’t have to be scared of Kyungsoo. It reminds him too much of all the things Jongin said to him back then in the library, no matter if he really meant it or not. Kyungsoo doesn’t ever want to make Jongin feel uncomfortable around him but he isn’t sure who out of the both of them is more scared right now. 

Jongin steps closer and Kyungsoo’s chest is already heaving up and down when Jongin’s comforting scent hits him. His bands are brushing Kyungsoo’s forehead and Kyungsoo sees his tongue dart out to wet his lips, another nervous habit of his. 

„Don’t mind Jongdae.“ Kyungsoo tries, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. „He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.“ He tries stepping away but Jongin shakes his head, holding him closer with a pleading look on his face.

„Hyung, do you…“ He pauses, his fingers tightening around Kyungsoo’s arm. „Do you still…?

 

 

**_ \- x - _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter is on it's way, i promise!


	5. Chapter 5

 

_** x ** _

 

Kyungsoo isn’t sure how long they stand like this; Jongin gripping his wrist tight enough to bruise, his eyes boring into Kyungsoo’s desperately, anxiously and Jongin looks like he’s in pain. 

„What are you talking about?“ Kyungsoo grits out. It might now show on his face but he feels like he’s going to throw up any second.

„You know.“ Jongin answers. He gulps, his grip loosening but he doesn’t let go of Kyungsoo. „You know what I mean.“ 

„No, I don’t know.“ Kyungsoo tugs his arm back, gulping heavily at the pained look on Jongin’s face when he pushes him back by his chest a little too forcefully. „What the hell do you want? Huh? I already told you I’m over it. Why are you trying to get me to say something that isn’t true anymore?“

„Hyung-“ Jongin starts but Kyungsoo doesn’t let him speak. He isn’t sure why he’s so uncontrollably upset right now but he feels like he’s going to lose his mind if he doesn’t put an end to this stupid game they’ve been playing once and for all. 

„Just stop it.“ Kyungsoo shakes his head. „I’m sick of feeling like this and I’m sick of everyone pretending to know how I feel! If you’d stop and consider my feelings just for one second you’d see that I can’t even breathe right whenever we’re in the same room.“ Kyungsoo’s nose starts prickling with the promise of tears and he needs to leave before Jongin sees him break down like the pathetic person he is. „And then you have the nerve to get angry at me for seeing other people-“

„What?“

„You’ve been ignoring me the whole night after we talked about my ex in the kitchen.“ 

„I wasn’t—“ Jongin starts, pressing his lips together before he inhales deeply. „I wasn’t mad at you for seeing other people, okay? I was mad at myself.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at the ground, eyebrows furrowed. „You don’t have the right to be mad.“ 

„I know that. I know I don’t. But I just can’t— When I think about you being happy with someone else I just… it just fucking hurts because I know that could’ve been me.“ 

Kyungsoo looks up again, Jongin’s words igniting a spark of stupid hope somewhere in his chest. „Why are you saying that?“ 

„Because it’s the truth.“ 

„You’re confusing me.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, gulping around the lump in his throat. „I’m not your person to toy around with just because you think you’ve changed your mind. Don’t talk to me about any of this anymore. I don’t want to hear any of it.“

Jongin doesn’t speak; he keeps staring at Kyungsoo with such an awful expression on his face that Kyungsoo can’t bare to look at him any longer. It honestly shouldn’t be possible to feel this much physical pain because of a person when they aren’t even laying a finger on you. It shouldn’t feel like someone’s trying to crush his chest when Jongin looks at him like this; like Kyungsoo just crushed _him._  

Kyungsoo gulps around the painful lump in his throat and leaves. It’s a miracle he doesn’t trip on his way up the stairs from how shaken he feels. 

Fuck this. 

Fuck Jongin. 

He blindly reaches out for the handle of the door to his room, chest heaving from restrained anger and other pent up emotions when he slides inside. 

For a brief moment he considers opening his suitcase, pack his things and just leave. This entire trip was set to fail the moment his friends decided it would be a good idea to make Jongin and him stay under the same roof for an entire week. 

He’s sure the others would understand. 

But before he can even tell himself that it’s not the right thing to do, that he can’t just ruin the entire trip for his friends just because Jongin and him can’t act like adults and sort things out once and for all the door to opens behind him again. 

Kyungsoo turns around and immediately takes a few steps back when he sees the shadow entering his bedroom. He can barely make out the other person’s face in the darkness but he knows it’s Jongin who quietly closes the door behind him, drowning both of them in even more silence than before. 

Kyungsoo’s breathing still isn’t right and having Jongin so close just flat out hurts. „Get out.“ 

„No. Hear me out first.“ 

Kyungsoo backs away some more. „We both said what we wanted to say yesterday. Let’s leave it at that.“ 

„Did we?“ Jongin’s voice is unsteady when he steps closer. Kyungsoo stumbles back. He is one second away from pushing Jongin out of the room by using physical force. „Did we really say everything?“

He doesn’t want to hurt Jongin. He never wants that; he _couldn’t._  

But he’s sick of getting hurt himself along the way of trying to make sure Jongin’s okay, sick of always putting Jongin's feelings first. 

„Hyung.“ Jongin’s voice is too loud in the room. Kyungsoo’s worried the others might hear him. He’s also worried they might hear Kyungsoo’s shallow breathing. 

He’s worried he’s going to have another asthma attack. 

„Do you remember that night of Sehun’s birthday party at that lake in second year?“ 

Kyungsoo leans back against the wall but doesn’t move otherwise. 

„Do you remember what we said to each other when everyone had already passed out?“ 

„We said a lot of shit that never mattered.“ 

There’s a moment of silence and Jongin makes a small sound that makes Kyungsoo clench the fabric of his sweatpants between fingers before he gets weak again. Hearing Jongin like this breaks his heart. „We said we wouldn’t ever lie to each other about anything.“ 

„That was years ago.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. He does remember that night. Remembers how they were soaked from swimming in the lake and how much Jongin was shivering and how they had one small towel wrapped around both of them, sitting too close together to warm their clammy skin up while the others were already passed out around the camp fire from the alcohol and running around all night.

„I don’t know about you but I always kept my promise.“ Jongin’s voice is getting smaller with every word, like he’s scared. It’s not right. They’re not supposed to be scared of each other. 

They’ve never been like this before and that alone combined with Jongin closing in on him - the faint light from outside finally exposing some parts of his face - is enough to make Kyungsoo’s heart beat increase in fear as well. 

Jongin finally stops coming closer when there’s an arm’s length of space left between their bodies but Kyungsoo still feels caged in by his presence. He stares at the ground between them; at the patterns of the wooden floor to keep himself somewhat grounded. „I never lied to you… At least not— not until yesterday.“

That’s when Kyungsoo manages to look up. Their eyes meet and Kyungsoo gulps, feeling his nerves melting already just from looking into those painfully familiar eyes that he loves so much. „What?“ 

Jongin licks his lips and his next intake of breath is shaky. „I lied when I said I loved you.“ 

They stare at each other for a moment as Kyungsoo tries to make sense of his words. 

He isn’t sure what he feels once they finally hit him. 

He just keeps looking at Jongin, feeling disappointed and tired. He really just wants to be left alone at this point. He doesn’t want to hear another single word from Jongin anymore, doesn’t want their friends to talk about them anymore either. 

„Please just leave.“ Kyungsoo manages to get out. He’s about to cry and Jongin needs to get out right _now._ But Jongin doesn’t move and Kyungsoo grits his teeth, frustration boiling inside of him when his eyes start watering. „Fucking go!“ He presses his hands against Jongin’s chest and pushing him so hard the younger stumbles back a few steps. His voice cracks and his damned tears area bout to spill over and Jongin still isn’t moving an inch; why the hell isn’t he listening to him?

He doesn’t manage to hold back the pathetic hiccup leaving his lips when they stand like this. Jongin’s face falls even more at that and suddenly he’s pushing forward again, hands resting on both sides of Kyungsoo’s shoulders against the wall. Kyungsoo is hit with his warmth and his still so familiar scent and it’s not helping right now; it’s only making it all worse. „Hyung… Hyung…“ Jongin leans closer and Kyungsoo turns his head away, eyes fixed on the ground again. 

„What are you doing?“ His voice is all wrong; giving away just how much Jongin’s words hurt him. 

„I—“

„Don’t.“ Kyungsoo looks at him again. His emotions are all over the place. There’s hope, there’s fear, there’s the feeling of being betrayed. „Don’t do this right now.“ 

„I’m sorry.“ Jongin gulps and there’s nothing but honesty in his beautiful eyes and Kyungsoo wants to hate him more than anything in that moment. „I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry for treating you like shit and for being such a horrible friend. I’m sorry for all of that hyung, but that was a fucking lie— “ 

„Shut up“

„I’m in love with you.“ Jongin rushes out before Kyungsoo can interrupt him again. 

Kyungsoo shuts his lips and all he can feel is the rush of fear under his skin, the way his heart flutters wild like a hummingbird in his chest. He opens his mouth only to close it again. 

He looks into Jongin’s eyes, trying to find something there that’ll tell him that this isn’t true, that Jongin doesn’t mean it but all he can see is the fear of rejection mixed with pure longing. 

„No, you’re not. You can’t be.“ Kyungsoo just shakes his head. „You can’t just suddenly be in love with me.“

„Hyung, no. No.“ Jongin leans closer again and it’s suddenly too close. Close enough for the tips of their bangs to touch, close enough for Kyungsoo to have to tilt his head back a little in order to keep looking into Jongin’s eyes. He can even smell the mulled wine they had earlier from Jongin’s lips.

This can’t be happening. It _can’t_. 

„You’re drunk.“ He states, his eyes suddenly prickling again because this reminds him too much of two years ago; after Taemin’s party, when Jongin was drunk enough to want to kiss him; when their friendship came to an end because of it. „You’re drunk again. It’s just like last time.“

The night that made them be like _this._

Jongin looks hurt at his words; he presses his eyes closed as he jerks his head harshly. „I only had half a glass. You know I’m not drunk.“ 

„Then what are you trying to do?“

„I’m trying to tell you the truth.“ Their noses are almost touching now but Jongin pulls back to make sure Kyungsoo is looking into his eyes. One of Jongin’s hands is gripping Kyungsoo’s wrist and Kyungsoo doesn’t remember agreeing to it but his free hand is curled into the front of Jongin’s sweater— like his body is making the decisions for him because he’s definitely too stupid to do so himself. „I never wanted to— I never wanted to be that person, one that hurts the person that means most to them. But I did. I hurt you so much and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness for it but hyung, I’m too selfish when it comes to you. I don’t know how to pretend things are okay when they’re not because I see the way you look at me. You think I don’t but I do. And it tears me up just knowing that I fucked it all up so bad whenever I look at you. And I look at you all the time. I always have. It’s like… Nothing else matters to me when we’re in the same room. It’s always been like that.“ Jongin looks like he’s about to hyperventilate and Kyungsoo just can’t stand his ground; he can’t help it. This is Jongin. 

This is his best friend. 

This is the person he lost his heart to when he helped him pick up his flash cards years ago.

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything; he just keeps staring at Jongin silently, the warmth of his body seeping through the fabric and into Kyungsoo’s cold fingers from where he’s still holding on to him. He can feel his stomach rise and fall beneath his hand and all he can think about is how much he wants to touch Jongin’s skin; how much he wants to inhale his scent and pretend that they might finally work it out this time.

The room is silent save for the sound of Jongin’s harsh breathing and Kyungsoo himself can only focus on the erratic pounding of his heart everywhere. 

He needs Jongin to step away; he needs him to stop looking at Kyungsoo like this. 

Like Kyungsoo is something Jongin wants. 

„I hate you for making me feel like this.“ Kyungsoo finally says. 

He closes his eyes when Jongin leans closer, the tips of their noses brushing. „I know.“ Jongin’s words are barely above a whisper. Kyungsoo feels them on his lips. 

Something’s weighing down him, making it hard to focus, making it hard to stop himself from leaning forward as if their bodies are drawn together like magnets. 

Kyungsoo feels it happening and he’s too weak to stop it. He stops breathing and his entire body stills, the room falling unnaturally silent. Jongin’s fingers on his wrist tighten and Kyungsoo gulps when he clearly feels the younger’s shaky puffs of breath on his mouth. Once, twice and then there’s pressure on his lips. Warm. Soft. 

It’s gone after a second and it’s like Kyungsoo has gone up for air after minutes of holding his breath because suddenly, he’s helplessly desperate for more. Kyungsoo feels Jongin’s next exhale tremble against his wet lips before the younger leans in again, kisses him again, and there’s no stopping it after that. 

Because Jongin kisses him, their lips moving together agonizingly slow at first - like they’re both not sure how to do this with each other - but the kisses grow quick, frantic and the feelings Kyungsoo’s been trying to lock away so hard burst open and spread out in every inch of his body as if having been released by the touch of Jongin’s lips. 

It’s fast, it’s rough and it’s desperate and the way Jongin holds him - like he’s scared Kyungsoo could just vanish - makes his heart ache that much more. Kyungsoo’s hand is suddenly curling into Jongin’s hair to pull him impossibly closer and it’s undeniable just how much his stupid heart still loves this boy; how it probably always will. 

Jongin wraps his arms around his waist, pushing closer until Kyungsoo is pressed up against the wall. The picture hanging there shifts with a scraping sound, digging into Kyungsoo’s neck painfully, right against his scar and it’s probably coincidence that Jongin wraps his hand around his neck right in that moment, protecting the sensitive skin from the pain. 

Kyungsoo feels like crying. Jongin’s gesture makes everything hurt but he decides to ignore it, digs his hand deeper into Jongin’s hair and tries to make the younger hurt just as much by biting at his lips. 

Jongin isn’t having it. He keeps slowing Kyungsoo down, he keeps moving slower whenever Kyungsoo grows angry and desperate and Kyungsoo wants to hate him more than he ever has. 

The room is filled with the sound of their hasty breathing, the smack of their lips meeting over and over again and Kyungsoo swears he’s burning out from the inside; he’s shuddering with every swipe of Jongin’s tongue and all he can feel is Jongin’s body against his own, Jongin’s arms around him, the way Jongin’s panting against him, his scent, his _everything._

Jongin is trying so hard to keep the kiss gentle, and he’s kissing Kyungsoo with so many emotions, but Kyungsoo doesn’t think he can do this because he’s starting to tremble from all the pent up love he’s had buried inside of him all those years. He pushes away from the wall and they stumble back without stopping kissing each other until Jongin’s legs hit the mattress. The younger sits down and starts crawling backwards with Kyungsoo following, not once breaking apart even if it slows things down so much.

He knows what happened last time, he knows what’s probably going to happen this time again, but Jongin is pulling him into his lap once he’s sitting back against the head board, holding Kyungsoo as close as possible.

The kiss turns frantic mostly because Kyungsoo tries to speed things up, their hands fumbling with pieces of clothing Kyungsoo feels like he’s going to pass out when their tongues start moving together, hot and wet and it’s all too much and yet not enough. 

It’s when his body starts moving on instinct, his hips pressing forward and down, looking for friction because there’s already heat pooling low in his stomach, an aching sensation starting to throb between his legs; he feels Jongin against him, half hard, and the younger swears against his lips and suddenly, his hands are gripping Kyungsoo’s hips, stopping him from moving any further.

„Let’s not—“ He starts, stopping to gulp and catch his breath. His pupils are blown, his skin flushed and his thighs keep tensing underneath Kyungsoo’s body like he finds it hard to control himself.

Kyungsoo freezes, dread pooling in his stomach.

He only sees and feels rejection in Jongin’s actions and he’s not sure how to deal with it; doesn’t know if he can handle all of this all over again. He starts pulling away, or at least he tries to, but Jongin’s isn’t having it; his grip on him only tightens and he pulls him closer.

„Hyung“ His face falls at how scared Kyungsoo looks and he shakes his head. „No. No. Please don’t look at me like that.“ He reaches a hand out, cradling Kyungsoo’s cheek and Kyungsoo feels his chest squeeze painfully. „I don’t— I don’t want to do anything you might regret.“ 

Kyungsoo keeps silent, stares into Jongin’s warm eyes while he waits for his heart and breathing to calm down. „I’m sorry.“ He finally mumbles. 

„No, don’t apologize.“ Jongin makes a pained face. „I want you. You can’t imagine how badly I want you.“ He squeezes Kyungsoo’s hips, pulling him closer as if to emphasize his words and Kyungsoo has a hard time stopping himself from moving on his lap when he can feel the evidence behind Jongin’s words, hard against his thigh. 

„You’re right.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat and finally moves away to sit on the edge of the bed, swinging his legs over. He stares at the wooden floor with furrowed eyebrows, his brain slowly processing what just happened as he tries to catch his breath. 

And it’s not good, because Kyungsoo feels like he’s about to lose it. 

The bed dips next to him when Jongin moves to mirror his position and Kyungsoo isn’t sure how long they sit in silence like this but it’s Jongin who finally breaks it. 

„I meant what I said earlier.“ Jongin speaks up. His voice sounds rough. „I meant it when I said I’m in love with you. I— I never stopped loving you, hyung. And I should have told you from the start instead of putting you through all that shit.“ 

Kyungsoo looks down at his lap and his heart immediately starts growing restless again. 

„I know you probably don’t believe me.“ Jongin’s voice is getting smaller and when Kyungsoo looks up he sees him gulp heavily, his eyelids fluttering like he’s trying to blink something away. „You don’t have a reason to. But all I can do is tell you how I feel and hope you’ll give me a chance to prove how much I mean it. You used to trust me with everything when things were fine between us. I want to show you that you still can. Kyungsoo— if you just give me another chance, I want to win your trust again. I want to have your heart again. And I don’t care what anyone else says because I know there’s no one else for me out there, and I don’t want anyone else. I only want you. I want you so much.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at him, the lines of his shoulders, the slope of his nose, the strands of hair falling into his eyes, his beautiful skin.

He stares at Jongin for a long time. 

Jongin is practically offering him his heart right now, knowing very well that Kyungsoo could hurt him — that he could hurt him the way Jongin did a long time ago.

But Kyungsoo doesn’t _want_ to hurt Jongin. 

He loves him. Kyungsoo is so in love with Jongin that even the thought of causing the younger pain makes his heart crack in his chest.  

Before he knows it he’s reaches his arm out and gently takes Jongin’s hand into his own. He slides his fingers into the spaces between Jongin’s own, presses their palms together and squeezes; a silent encouragement, maybe even a tired plea to put an end to all of this because they only have on life to live and there’s only so much Kyungsoo can try and stay away from Jongin just to protect his heart. 

Jongin wants his heart. Kyungsoo wants Jongin’s heart. It shouldn’t be so hard, right?

Maybe Kyungsoo has known all along. Their friends all know what the both of them never had the courage to speak out loud. But he thinks love is just like that; it’s breathtakingly beautiful and undeniably terrifying at the same time. He wouldn’t know though because he never really had the chance to love someone and be loved back by them. 

All he knows is that having Jongin so close again, holding his hand, makes Kyungsoo feel more at ease than he ever has in those years he spent apart from him. 

„I want to trust you again.“ Kyungsoo says. „I’m tired of fighting.“ 

Jongin gives him a blank look, like he doesn’t know if Kyungsoo is speaking the truth right now. 

„And you always had my heart.“ Kyungsoo adds, clearing his throat when he feels said heart flip nervously in his chest, his skin too warm.

Jongin starts tearing up. „Hyung I’m—“

Kyungsoo covers Jongin’s lips with his palm, shaking his head. „Stop apologizing. I can’t move on if you keep doing it.“ Jongin’s eyes are wide, his skin flushed and Kyungsoo just wants to smile because Jongin is still the charming and oblivious boy he met years ago, even after all this time spent apart.

The younger gently pries Kyungsoo’s hand from his lips, taking down to rest it on his lap before he starts leaning closer. Jongin’s eyes still look wet, and Kyungsoo doesn’t like it, but they’re also so incredibly fond and full of emotion and it rips the oxygen straight out of Kyungsoo’s lungs. Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter shut on their own when he feels Jongin’s breath on his lips, their noses brushing together before Jongin closes the distance between their mouths. 

The kiss is soft and Kyungsoo doesn’t fight it this time, let’s Jongin kiss him the way he wants to. Jongin’s lips warm and pliant and Kyungsoo feels like he’s losing hold on the last piece of sanity he has left. Being kissed by Jongin is unlike anything he’s ever felt before. 

Jongin pulls back and Kyungsoo opens his eyes, looking into Jongin’s while he feels like his heart is swelling beyond the point of it being medically okay (and he knows that theoretically, his heart isn’t growing in size at all, but it sure as hell feels like it; like Jongin is pouring all the love he’s been missing over the years into him with every kiss). 

They kiss again, their lips brushing against each other over and over again, the puffs of breath hasty whenever they pull back. Jongin pushes him down against the mattress, his forearms braced on either side of Kyungsoo’s head. 

Kyungsoo wraps his arms around his shoulders, the tips of his fingers brushing over Jongin’s smooth, warm skin. He cages him in with his knees on either side of Jongin’s hips, bringing him closer until their chests are pressed up against each other, the touch of their naked skin making Kyungsoo arch up into the body above him.

Everything’s too warm, too fuzzy, and Jongin keeps shuddering against him, keeps huffing hot breaths against his lips, keeps sighing his name and Kyungsoo can only hold on tighter with every slide of their lips, every wet touch of their tongues. 

He doesn’t know how long they’re kissing but he feels boneless and tired all of a sudden; like he’s dreaming, like he’s on top a damn cloud and half of his mind is convinced that all of this is a dream. 

That he’ll wake up tomorrow to an empty bad and an aching heart. 

When they stop, they lie on their sides, facing each other and do nothing but stare at each other. 

Jongin looks like he isn’t quite sure if this is real and Kyungsoo is glad that he isn’t the only one feeling that way. The younger holds his hand, presses their palms together tightly and intertwines their fingers. He rests their linked hands on the mattress between them, his thumb brushing over the back of Kyungsoo’s hand over and over, calming his worried mind and taught nerves. 

„Hyung.“ Jongin whispers. Kyungsoo looks at him, tired, confused, overwhelmed. He doesn’t know why he’s so calm. Maybe he’ll freak out tomorrow but right now, he just wants to stay silent and enjoy the way Jongin is looking at him. 

Pretend that this is how it’s going to be between them from now on. 

„Hm?“ 

„I love you.“ 

Kyungsoo blinks at him.

It doesn’t feel real. He can’t seem to make himself believe in a reality in which Jongin loves him back. 

And Jongin sees the stress on Kyungsoo’s face, the anxiety building up, and he moves closer until their hands are pressed against his chin, Kyungsoo’s knuckles grazing his lips. 

„I love you.“ He repeats. „Please don’t doubt that. You can doubt everything else but please don’t doubt how I feel about you.“ 

There’s nothing but raw honesty in Jongin’s eyes. He looks scared, like Kyungsoo might not believe him. 

But Kyungsoo meant what he said; he wants to trust Jongin again.    
So he shuffles closer, until the tips of their noses are touching, and he squeezes Jongin’s hand. „I believe you.“ 

Jongin exhales heavily in relief, presses a kiss against Kyungsoo’s knuckles and Kyungsoo looks him in the eyes until Jongin carefully closes the space between their lips to kiss his lips. 

Somewhere between Jongin wrapping his arms around him to hold him closer, sharing endless kisses and calming heart beats, Kyungsoo falls asleep.

 

 

_**x** _

 

 

He wakes up really early the next morning. 

He’s not sure why because so far he was always woken up by Baekhyun blasting cheesy christmas songs through the entire house. 

But when he blinks his eyes open, it’s silence that greets him. The wind is howling outside and the house creaks every now and then but apart from that, it’s completely silent.

Until he notices the noise that’s right beside him; in front of him, because Kyungsoo hasn’t moved an inch after falling asleep. 

Jongin hasn’t either. 

Kyungsoo holds his breath when his eyes land on Jongin’s sleeping face, their fingers that are still lazily intertwined between their chests. 

_„I love you.“_

He stares at Jongin almost in a daze, watches the rise and fall of his chest beneath his shirt, how his heart flutters at the feeling of their legs tangled underneath the sheets, their fingers brushing. 

_„You can doubt everything else but please don’t doubt how I feel about you.“_

He gulps heavily, his mind buzzing and he thinks he feels sick. He can almost still feel Jongin’s lips on his own. 

He starts pulling away without waking the younger up and reaches for his phone to check the time. It’s only a few minutes past eight; most of their friends won’t be up until ten. 

 

 

Kyungsoo isn’t even sure what he’s doing but he finds himself sitting in the kitchen a moment later, staring out the window with a cup of coffee that’s quickly turning cold between his stiff fingers. 

What happened last night between him and Jongin, all those words that needed to be said such a long time ago, they feel absolutely _scary_ right now that the darkness of the night has gone. 

His heart’s uneasy and there’s a lump in his throat that just won’t leave no matter how much he tries to gulp it away. 

Is this how Jongin felt back then?

Is this what he meant about being scared?

Because right now, Kyungsoo completely understands. 

Now that they’re one the brink of leaving the safety of a friendship to enter a dangerous territory of a… a romantic relationship, Kyungsoo is absolutely terrified. 

Jongin’s words suddenly make so much sense. 

It’s so easy to fuck up and lose each other for good. 

Kyungsoo gulps again. He hasn’t ever felt this _torn_ about something. He’s so utterly in love with Jongin and knowing that Jongin is finally telling him that he feels the same makes him feel like he’s the luckiest man alive. 

And yet… yet… 

He flinches when he picks up a movement from the corner of his eyes and quickly turns around to face the person, trying to clear his mind. 

Kyungsoo freezes when he sees Jongin standing in the doorway, looking like a lost child. 

What’s that look in his eyes?

Kyungsoo wants to tell him to stop; it’s not doing any good to his already torn up nerves. 

„Morning.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat when his voice breaks. 

Jongin just keeps staring at him, his eyes still puffy from sleep, his hair all over the place. He doesn’t look alright and Kyungsoo feels worry creep up in his chest.

„Is… everything okay?“ He asks, not quite able to keep the nervous tone out of his voice. 

„I—“ Jongin starts and suddenly averts his eyes. „I don’t know. Is it?“

"Yeah." Kyungsoo says, trying to hide the fact that he feels like crawling out of his skin right now.

Because looking at Jongin right now, he simply can't say what exactly they are. Jongin's always been his best friend, his better half if you will; he's always been this one person his heart's silently yearned for but he never dared to even hope for more.

And now it's happening and Kyungsoo feels like running.

But he figures they both did enough running from each other and the way they feel.

"Oh." Jongin mumbles, his gaze dropping to the floor.

"What's wrong?" Kyungsoo wants to know upon sensing his distress.

"Nothing." Jongin shakes his head as he stares into Kyungsoo's eyes. And it's only now that Kyungsoo notices the way Jongin looks at him; like Kyungsoo is the only thing that matters, like there's nothing else he sees and it leaves him a bit breathless how oblivious he's been because this is the exact same way Jongin's been looking at him ever since they became friends. "You weren't there when I woke up, so I thought—“

Oh.

"Sorry. I didn’t— I didn't think you'd wake up. I was going to..." Kyungsoo suddenly starts feeling too warm, his cheeks heating up when it sinks in what could happen between them from here. Jongin's eyes widen a bit when he takes in Kyungsoo's flushed skin, his features turning soft and Kyungsoo feels like he's melting. "I was going to come back." 

"No. Don't apologize. It's fine." Jongin shakes his head, his tongue darting out to wet his lips; a giveaway that he's just as nervous as Kyungsoo is.

Silence engulfs them as they stare into each other's eyes and Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin can tell what he's doing to him right now; how his heart is thundering against his ribs, his skin prickling.

Jongin steps closer, and closer and Kyungsoo tenses up a little more with every step until Jongin sits down on the bar chair next to him, sitting sideways to face him. Kyungsoo mirrors him hesitantly.

Their knees almost touch.

His eyes never leave Kyungsoo's and there's a whirlwind of emotions in them and Kyungsoo is pretty sure his heart is going to burst any moment now.

"I'll make you some tea." Kyungsoo blurts because he's a little coward and doesn't know what to do with all these feelings bubbling underneath his skin right now.

Jongin starts to protest but Kyungsoo's already up and away to grab a mug and pour the still hot water from his coffee into it. 

He prepares Jongin's tea right this time on purpose; a bag of ginger tea, a big spoon of honey and a slice of lemon. He knows Jongin still drinks it like that because he saw him drinking it here quite often.

Jongin's face lights up a bit when Kyungsoo hands him the mug; he looks up to give Kyungsoo a warm smile and it's like they're thrown back in time; like none of those bad things ever happened and they're still Jongin and Kyungsoo who are always attached at the hip.

Except they're not, because they're more; or they're about to be and Kyungsoo honestly can't make himself believe that they might be about to cross the line they've been toeing all this time.

When he sits down again and turns to face Jongin their knees press up against the other's right away and Kyungsoo notices that Jongin pushed their chairs closer together. It makes him want to smile.

"Did you sleep well?" Kyungsoo asks, trying not to blush or smile because all Jongin is doing is stare at him with poorly hidden adoration in his eyes.

Jongin nods, a shadow of a smile on his lips but it's obvious that he tries to remain serious. "Best sleep I had in a while."

"Good." Kyungsoo nods, not able to tear his eyes away from Jongin's. "I'm glad."

He takes a sip from his coffee in hopes of distracting himself as well as move Jongin to do the same which he thankfully does. It looks cute, because Jongin's wearing a sweater and he has _sweater paws_ and it should look stupid for his age and posture but it doesn't; it just looks endearing.

Kyungsoo looks outside and it seems like even nature itself is getting ready for Christmas day tomorrow; there's a whole new layer of sparkling snow and pretty ice patterns framing the windows. 

He can't believe it's nearly Christmas. It means they're leaving the day after tomorrow and the thought makes him feel sad. Not just because it means he's going to separate from his friends again but also because they're only now getting somewhere with Jongin.

They shouldn't have wasted so much time.

He turns to look down at his cup again, feels Jongin's eyes on him. Not that they've ever left him.

"Hyung." Jongin speaks up after a beat of silence. "Why aren't you looking at me?"

Kyungsoo lifts his eyes to his face. "I was thinking."

"About what?"

He hesitates, not sure if he should be so straight forward but he thinks he's done keeping silent about his feelings and thoughts for Jongin. 

"Us." He says, gulping nervously at the look that flares up in Jongin's eyes at his words. 

"What about us?" Jongin's voice sounds soothing and Kyungsoo can't even begin to describe how thankful he is about them starting to have this effect on each other again; calming, soothing, a promise of safety. 

"What happens now?" Kyungsoo asks, his eyes flickering over Jongin's features. "What does... all of that mean for us?"

Jongin stares back at him for a long time until Kyungsoo grows nervous. 

„I’m scared.“

„No, don’t.“ Jongin rushes out, shaking his head as his face falls. „Hyung, please don’t be scared.“

„But I am. I can’t help it.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat. „What— what exactly do you expect me to do? I can’t just… I can’t just act like everything’s okay all of a sudden.“ 

„I know.“ Jongin shakes his head again. „I know that. And I don’t expect that from you. But I honestly don’t know how I can help make it better if we don’t— if we don’t try to move on. No, wait. Fuck.. I’m not saying we should forget what I did. I just wish we could _try.“_ Jongin stops talking, a frustrated frown on his face like he can’t find the right words. „Hyung, I know you sill have feelings for me. When I kissed you last night—“ He freezes for a moment and god, they’re _both_ suddenly very red in the face. „You can’t kiss me like that and tell me you don’t feel something for me. And last night..."

Kyungsoo holds his breath.

Jongin licks his lips again, his body barely moving an inch but it's enough for their legs to slide together. "I meant everything I said." He says, an urgent look in his eyes. "I meant it all.“

Jongin's knee slips between his own when they naturally move closer together and Kyungsoo hopes Jongin can't see how his breathing starts getting faster.

"You mean..."

„I’m— Kyungsoo, I'm crazy about you. You're the only person I've ever wanted to be mine. And not just as my best friend. I want that too but more than that... I don't think boyfriend's the right word because you mean more than that to me." Jongin looks uneasy and so, so nervous that it actually takes some of Kyungsoo's own anxiety away.  "I'm not making sense."

"You are." Kyungsoo answers. 

He looks up at Jongin and sees the younger version of him; the Jongin that helped him pick up his flash cards from the ground. He remembers Jongin's bright smile, remembers how he lost his heart the moment their eyes met and the thing is; it's still _there_. Jongin's still the same. His smile hasn't changed and this one look in his eyes that's always been reserved for Kyungsoo is too. It’s all still so painfully the same. "Jongin."

"Yes?" Jongin looks like he's holding his breath.

Kyungsoo wants to say it. He wants to say 'I love you' but his lips don't move around the words. "You better make up for all the time we missed out on." He mumbles instead.

Jongin gapes at him for a long time until Kyungsoo bites his lip around a nervous smile and that’s when Jongin seems to snap out of it. He gives him a timid smile and Kyungsoo swears he sees him blush. "You mean..."

„Yes." Kyungsoo nods.

And suddenly Jongin is full on beaming at him and Kyungsoo feels like the breath's been slapped out of him from how beautiful it is. 

„Then… Can I start right now?" Jongin asks, his cute smile fading for a rather nervous expression. 

„What— do you mean..." Kyungsoo starts but trails off when Jongin starts moving.

Jongin leans closer, until he's almost not sitting on his bar chair anymore and Kyungsoo's worried he's going to fall off but more than that he's worried he might pass out because Jongin's so close all of a sudden and warm and Kyungsoo's heart is going wild. 

He knows this happened the night before as well but it's different now in the daylight. More real, more exposed, not as much like a dream. 

"Can I?" Jongin asks again when their lips are a breath apart. He's leaning against the bar with one arm while his other hand is gripping the chair next to Kyungsoo's thigh; he smells like ginger and honey and lemon and Kyungsoo can barely manage to nod before his eyes flutter shut when their lips meet.

The kiss is sweet; a gentle peck, warm and soft but it makes Kyungsoo shudder in pleasure and all he can think is that he wants to kiss Jongin every single day for the rest of his life. One kiss turns into two, and three and then Kyungsoo loses track of how many times Jongin kisses him. He’s cradling Kyungsoo’s cheek and Kyungsoo is gripping his sweater and he’s just glad that they’re sitting because he feels light headed from how slowly and deeply their lips are moving.

It feels right.

There’s not much else coming to his mind but that, to describe how it feels to kiss Jongin.

And just as they’re pulling away for air, an ear piercing sound makes them jump apart. 

Jongin nearly falls over from how fast he moves away but he’s suddenly standing next to Kyungsoo, gripping his hand in fear while they stare at the source of the sound. 

Kyungsoo feels his face heat up even more because he’s holding Jongin’s hand but also because it’s Jongdae who is standing at the entrance of kitchen. 

He’s standing there, in his pajamas, and he still has his mouth wide open from the scream he let out just a second ago.

And suddenly someone else dashes into the kitchen, hair all over the place and sleep clearly still in their system as they flail around with their arms as if to fight off an intruder. 

When Baekhyun finally notices that there _is_ no intruder he stops in his tracks, blinking stupidly at Kyungsoo, and then at Jongin and then their joined hands, which is when understanding starts dawning on his face. 

„You…“ Baekhyun starts, lifting his hand to point at them. „Does this mean… Are you guys—“

„Kyungsoo and Jongin are back on! Fuck yeah!“ Jongdae screams like he knows no other way of communication.

„Holy shit stop screaming!“ Chanyeol in return shouts from upstairs.

Kyungsoo feels a mixture between frustration and humiliation but Jongin squeezes his hand between their hips and not much else really matters after that.

„Is this a dream?“ Baekhyun asks shakily and Kyungsoo opens his mouth to speak but Baekhyun’s eyes suddenly look dangerously wet and he is just at a loss for words. „I’m still dreaming and you guys still aren’t friends again and this whole trip was for nothing and I failed—“

„Shh…“ Jongdae slings an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders, squeezing him with a smile on his face. „Told you we’d do it.“ 

And then Baekhyun starts crying. 

Kyungsoo gives Jongin a nervous look but the younger just smiles at him. He looks like Kyungsoo gave him the best Christmas present in the world. 

And when Jongin laces their fingers together, Baekhyun’s dramatic hiccups and Jongdae’s stupid laugh in the background, he kind of feels happier than he ever has in those past two years. 

 

 

Apparently, there’s going to be a snow storm today, meaning that they should not leave the house. 

It sucks because they wanted to go sledding today since they only have two more full days left here. 

„We can still go tomorrow.“ Kyungsoo mumbles while he’s stirring the porridge. 

The kitchen’s oddly silent. It smells like cinnamon and apples in it because they chose to go for an easier breakfast today. „Western style.“ As Baekhyun likes to call it. 

Baekhyun nods his head next to him where he’s chopping some apples for the porridge. 

He also has been quite silent after he burst into tears half an hour ago. 

Kyungsoo tries not to think too much about what happened because he knows he’ll just end up blushing when he remembers how Jongdae saw them kissing. 

 

Jongin and Jongdae are currently in the living room where he guesses that the younger’s getting lectured by Jongdae. He hopes not. He hopes their friend are not going to blow things out of proportion when Jongin and him haven’t even quite figured out where they stand themselves. 

 

"Are you mad?" Kyungsoo tentatively asks after they've spent the majority of the time  in the kitchen in silence.

Baekhun stops chopping for a moment, looking up at him. "Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know. You're being too quiet."

This makes Baekhyun purse his lips before he sighs and puts the knife down. He walks over to gently push Kyungsoo aside, adding the apples into the steaming pot. "I'm not mad. I'm happy."

Kyungsoo doesn't believe him but he nods his head nonetheless. "Alright."

Baekhyun stares at the pot for a moment before he turns to face Kyungsoo. "Are _you_ happy?"

His friend's eyes flicker to the door; the direction of the living room where Jongin is. Kyungsoo clears his throat and pushes him away so he can continue stirring the porridge.

"I think so."

"Wow there, don't get too excited." Baekhyun snorts and dodges Kyungsoo's hand when he tries to hit him. 

They work in silence for a while and Kyungsoo is really thankful that Baekhyun isn't attacking him with questions of all sorts. Actually, he is thankful for a lot of things Baekhyun did. No matter how annoying he is at times, he's still a great friend. 

Kyungsoo clears his throat. "Baek."

"Hm?"

"Thank you." Kyungsoo mumbles quietly. 

His friend turns and gives him a curious look. "What are you thanking me for?" 

"I don't know. Everything. For bringing all of us together. None of this would've happened otherwise." 

They look at each other for a moment before a huge smile spreads on Baekhyun's face. He  walks over and pulls Kyungsoo into a tight hug. „Making me your best man your wedding should suffice as a thank you."

Kyungsoo snorts but hugs him back. "Isn't that a bit far fetched?"

"No. I have, like, half of the wedding planned out already." Baekhyun smiles, pulling back to once again move out of the way of Kyungsoo's hand that wants to smack his head. 

"You're an idiot."

"But you love me."

"No."

 

 

 

They decide to eat breakfast in the living room to watch the some movies that are on the TV, counting down to Christmas Eve tomorrow. 

The guys are all scattered around the room when Kyungsoo and Baekhyun join them; some of them squeezed together on the couches while the others are curled up on the floor. 

They still look half asleep but the smell of apple and cinnamon makes them perk up.

There's no room on the couch anymore so Kyungsoo has to settle for the floor but Jongdae's sitting in front of one couch and Jongin in front of the other.

Kyungsoo freezes; he suddenly feels really sweaty.

Where is he supposed to sit?

Of course he wants to sit with Jongdae; he's one of his closest friends.

But he also wants to sit with Jongin. He badly wants to. Especially when Jongin casts him a look that seems to say "It's fine" as he's handed a bowl of porridge by Sehun. Like he senses Kyungsoo's dilemma.

He looks at Jongdae who rolls his eyes at him, nudging his head almost demandingly in Jongin's direction.

So Kyungsoo takes a shaky breath and walks over to where Jongin is. He sits down, close enough for their arms to touch and Jongin's warmth and presence against him immediately makes his heart flutter.

God, he can't believe this is happening to him.

Jongin hides his smile behind a spoonful of porridge and Kyungsoo tries not to blush, ignoring the gawking looks the guys are sending them.

"Did I miss something?" Sehun gapes at them.

No one speaks for a moment and all eyes are suddenly focused on them. Kyungsoo starts to feel hot under the collar.

His friends are such a noisy bunch and he hasn't even had time to figure things out on his own before he's being attacked by their never ending curiosity.

He doesn't blame them. He isn't mad. He’s just not good at this nor is he prepared to answer their questions when there’s still a huge question mark in his own head.

„Kyungsoo?“ Minseok tilts his head at him, a confused look on his face. 

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to answer but he doesn’t even know what to say. 

This really isn’t something he wants to be doing. 

Jongin suddenly clears his throat next to him, shifting a bit which makes their arms press together even more but Kyungsoo somehow finds it extremely comforting right now. „Guys… I. Uhm. I have a few things to say, if that’s okay.“ 

Kyungsoo is glad that the eyes on him are now fixed on Jongin instead but he still finds himself tensing up, not very sure what Jongin might say next. 

„I owe all of you an apology.“ Jongin starts. „For disappearing to London without letting you guys know. I know most of you have forgotten about it and it’s probably too late now anyways. It was disrespectful and I wasn’t a good friend. I— I did a lot of really immature things. I’m sorry for all of that.“ 

Everyone listens to Jongin’s words and Kyungsoo notices how Sehun smirks at Jongin proudly and Kyungsoo himself feels somewhat proud of Jongin for addressing something that others might have just swept under the rug. 

Kyungsoo knows their friends aren’t the kind to hold grudges but he also knows that they all were hurt by Jongin’s actions back then. 

„Thank you for apologizing.“ Junmyeon smiles at him, warm and caring. 

Yixing nods his head. „But you know, like you said, you were immature. And you grew up a lot since then. We don’t blame you for anything.“ 

„Yeah! We all did stupid shit we’re not proud of.“ Chanyeol grins.

„At least you owned up to it.“ Jongdae mumbles. 

Kyungsoo smiles at Jongdae for a second before he stops because Jongin tenses up even more next to him. „I’m sorry for what I did to Kyungsoo hyung.“ 

The entire room suddenly seems a lot more tense as well, their friends wearing serious and slightly worried expressions on their faces. 

„I know by now most of you know why I did what I did. And I know it’s no justification. It’s just the only explanation I have because it’s the truth. I just— I want you guys to know that if I could turn back time and make it okay I would in a heartbeat. I’m just sorry for my actions. And that you guys had to clean up after my mess…“

Sehun sighs, looking disagreeing as he opens his mouth. „Jongin, it’s okay, no one’s—“

„No, wait. Just one more thing.“ Jongin interrupts him. Kyungsoo hears him take a shaky breath and he gulps, wanting nothing more than hold his hand. „I love Kyungsoo hyung. I’m— I’m in love with him.“ 

It’s completely silent for a moment and Kyungsoo can feel his heart thumping wildly in his chest at Jongin’s words. 

Their friends start smiling. 

„Duh.“ Chanyeol mutters, rolling his eyes when Baekhyun slaps the back of his head. 

Jongin clears his throat and Kyungsoo sees the flush spreading over his neck. He feels bad for him. 

„Jongin.“ He whispers. „You don’t have to—“ 

But Jongin links their pinkies together between their thighs and that renders Kyungsoo speechless long enough for him to continue. „More than anything, I’m sorry for the way I treated him _._ Kyungsoo hyung’s— uhm… he means the world to me. He always has. And I just— I want everyone to know that I’m not planning on messing up again.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment. Jongin really did grow up a lot. Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he could’ve said all those things Jongin just did in front of all of their friends. He gives Jongin a small smile when the younger turns to give him a nervous look and Kyungsoo really, really wants to kiss him right now. By the way Jongin takes a second too long to look away from Kyungsoo’s lips the feeling must be mutual. 

Someone clears their throat and the both of them tear their eyes away from each other. It’s Jongdae who looks at Jongin with a stern gaze. „If you hurt him again… just know we won’t let you get away with it this time.“ 

Jongin and him look at each other for a moment. „I know. I won’t.“ Jongin eventually says and the tension around them disappears as soon as Jongdae starts smirking at Jongin. 

„Just to be clear.“ Minseok speaks up. „Are you back to being friends or… I mean, did you finally get your heads out of your asses?“ 

„I—" Jongin starts but he stops there, like he can't come up with an answer for that.

Kyungsoo figures Jongin's done enough talking for now and scrapes up all the courage he has before he takes over. "We're figuring it out."

It seems like the wrong thing to say because their friends' face fall simultaneously and Kyungsoo notices how Jongin's shoulder sag just a tiny fraction but nothing about the younger ever goes unnoticed by him. 

Baekhun rolls his eyes and shakes his head at him in a disappointed manner.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. "I mean. I—feel the same way about Jongin. That's... I think that's all that matters for now."

_That's_ what he was supposed to say. An uproar of screaming and clapping raises among their friends but Kyungsoo only cares about Jongin's reaction. It's so worth it, because Jongin is trying so hard not to smile and the way the rest of their fingers move on their own to link together tightly is absolutely perfect.

"We're happy for you guys." Junmyeon says. "I'm glad you made up."

"Yeah man! We have to celebrate! Jongin and Kyungsoo are back!" 

"Aww Jongdae are you tearing up?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Group hug!"

Kyungsoo would like to say he hates his friends when he gets buried underneath all their weight when they decide to jump on him and Jongin - nine grown up men testing the strength of a poor couch meant for two while redefining the meaning of a group hug. Jongin is groaning next to him because Sehun is nearly busting his nuts with his knee pressed into his crotch and Yixing is complaining that they're too old for shit like this. Baekhyun screams that Kyungsoo is going to have an asthma attack from the lack of air and someone is touching his butt.

And still— Kyungsoo honestly just wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

_**x** _

 

 

"So no sledding today?" Chanyeol asks as he watches the whirling wind toss around snow from the ground outside.

"Nah, don't think so man." Sehun grumbles from the couch. He has his head in Junmyeon's lap while the older is reading a book, mindlessly carding a hand through Sehun's hair.

"We'll do it tomorrow. The storm's supposed to be over by tonight." Baekhyun says.

"But tomorrow's Christmas Eve. Aren't we supposed to do other stuff?"

"Like what?" Baekhyun snorts. "It's our last day tomorrow. We won't get another chance."

Kyungsoo is barely listening to their interaction. He tried really hard to stay away from his phone but he has fifteen new unread e-mails that are only directed at him and he can't help but check them.

It's mostly his boss giving him duties of high importance for Monday. His boss asking him to help him with this and that. His boss telling him to book his flights for a meeting in Germany. His boss telling him to look through candidates for a job vacancy in the statistics department.

Kyungsoo already feels stressed beyond explanation.

The couch creaks a bit when someone sits down next to him. Kyungsoo doesn't look up and grimly starts to reply to the ones where his boss demands a feedback right away.

He’s on vacation for god’s sake. It's the first break he's had in over a year. 

"What are you doing?"

The phone nearly slips out of Kyungsoo's fingers when he hears Jongin's voice so close to his ear. He turns to look at him and Jongin looks hesitant, like he's not sure if he's allowed to ask. 

His warmth makes Kyungsoo relax immediately though he'd never admit that. 

"Just checking some mails."

"From work?" Jongin frowns at him.

"They're important."

"But it's your days off." Jongin's eyebrows furrow and he somehow reminds Kyungsoo of that stupid grumpy cat Baekhyun used to be so obsessed with back in the days. "You should ignore them."

"I really can't."

"I think you can." Jongin tilts his head, giving him an encouraging smile. "Hyung it's fine. You're on vacation. For now, it's not your job to answer those e-mails, okay?" 

Kyungsoo stares at Jongin for a long moment, wanting to laugh at what has become of him. The Jongin he knew from the past would've been clueless about what to say in this situation to make Kyungsoo feel better. "Maybe you're right."

"Of course I am!" Jongin beams at him when Kyungsoo puts his phone away with a sigh. 

When Kyungsoo looks up at him again he finds the younger looking at him with a nervous expression on his face. Jongin hesitantly moves closer until their thighs are pressed together. Kyungsoo doesn't even try to understands how such a small form of contact makes his heart go all excited. "Hyung..." He mumbles nervously.

Kyungsoo bites his lip. He truly doesn't know how to act around Jongin.

What he wants to do is be closer to Jongin. Kyungsoo's body is tingling with the urge to hold him closer but he doesn't know where the boundaries for them are or if there even are any. 

"What?"

Jongin's eyes flicker over Kyungsoo's face and then around the room as if to check if they're alone - which they are. 

"I feel like cuddling." Jongin mumbles and Kyungsoo feels warm all over at the pink dusting Jongin's ears. 

"Oh." Kyungsoo is trying really hard not to smile, and he's trying really hard to mask how silly Jongin makes him feel. "Should I get Sehun...?"

"I don't think he will do."

"Okay." Kyungsoo's heart starts racing again when Jongin leans closer, turning his body to face him. 

"I think it has to be you."

Now Kyungsoo can't stop the smile that tugs on his lips. He knows he can never deny Jongin anything when he looks at him like that, one more thing that hasn't changed.

Also, it’s not like Kyungsoo doesn't want this. He wants Jongin in his arms more than anything else right now.

And while this definitely isn't the first time they're doing this, it's the first time for Kyungsoo when he knows how Jongin feels about him.

Maybe it's just his mind or maybe Kyungsoo simply had forgotten how it feels to be touched by him but the way Jongin touches him now is so, so much different than all those years ago.

It's not like friends touch each other. It's so gentle and frustratingly careful when Jongin wraps an arm around his waist, when he leans closer until Kyungsoo is leaning against the pillows. 

It's a familiar position; Jongin almost suffocating Kyungsoo, his dave buried in Kyungsoo's neck and Kyungsoo's arms wrapped around him.

The only difference is the way Jonin's breathing is slightly irregular against his skin, and how Kyungsoo's entire skin is tingling and how they're too close for comfort yet not nearly close enough for Kyungsoo's liking.

Jongin feels warm, and he's just _here_ , in Kyungsoo's arms and Kyungsoo can't really believe this is actually happening.

"I missed this." Jongin whispers. His voice wavers and his hold on Kyungsoo tightens. "I missed you."

Kyungsoo tries not to let Jongin's tone affect his mood but he can't help it; after all that time spent apart, all the lies and hurtful words that they said to each other, being here like this almost seems too easy.

"I missed you too." 

He can hear some of their friends laughing in the kitchen, and someone is running upstairs, followed by a loud shriek and there’s stupid christmas music coming from an unknown source. 

The room still smells like apple and cinnamon but Jongin smells better, if you ask Kyungsoo. So he tilts his head and buries his nose in Jongin’s hair and feels so ridiculously thrilled when Jongin shudders against him and snuggles closer. 

„Thank you.“ Jongin’s lips brush against his skin. „For giving me another chance.“

Kyungsoo blinks and stares at the window, his fingers curling into Jongin’s soft sweater. „It’s okay.“

Jongin gulps heavily, his breathing unsteady. „I didn’t think you would.“ 

The way his voice shakes makes Kyungsoo worried and he tries to pull away so he can see Jongin’s face but the younger won’t let him. „Jongin… don’t do this.“

„I’m sorry.“ 

„You’re making me feel sad Jongin.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, not really understanding why his heart feels so heavy. 

Kyungsoo just wants Jongin to be happy more than anything, probably even more than he wishes for his own happiness. 

Kyungsoo always thought he was the one having a hard time moving on. But it seems like Jongin isn’t able to forget about the past either. 

Jongin finally pulls back, a timid look on his face. „I’m supposed to make you happy. I’m already fucking up again.“ 

Kyungsoo smiles up at him. Jongin is so handsome. He’s so _handsome_ with his tousled hair and sleepy eyes and full lips and Kyungsoo is so completely in love with him he doesn’t know what to do with himself. „You don’t have to try, you know? Just… just this makes me happy.“ 

The younger blinks at him, one of his hands carefully moving to Kyungsoo’s hair where he brushes his fingers through the strands. The look on his face is so fond, and only a fool wouldn’t be able to tell how Jongin feels about the man in front of him. „Your hair is longer.“ 

„It is.“

„It suits you.“ Jongin smiles. 

Kyungsoo shakes his head no and it only makes Jongin smile wider. „You never liked it when I grew my hair this long.“ 

Jongin pulls at a strand, almost as if to estimate how long it is. „This is almost two inches. It’s never been this long.“

„Well, sorry then.“

Jongin laughs. „I’m not lying. It looks good.“ 

Kyungsoo breaks out into a smile and they must look like idiots, smiling at each other like that but Kyungsoo doesn’t really care. Jongin starts blushing at one point.

„Why are you blushing?“ Kyungsoo wants to know.

„I’m not.“

„You look like a tomato.“ 

„You make me nervous.“ 

His answer surprises Kyungsoo. _He_ makes Jongin nervous? Shouldn’t that be the other way around? Because Kyungsoo swears his heart keeps trying to leap out of his throat whenever Jongin’s fingers brush his skin. 

„Did you always feel like this around me?“ Kyungsoo carefully asks, his heart fluttering again when the look in Jongin’s eyes changes to something more innocent, more raw. 

„After I noticed my feelings for you, yeah.“ Jongin admits. „At least whenever you touched me. Or when we hugged.“ He clears his throat, averting his eyes. 

Kyungsoo just quietly looks at him. He runs his palm over Jongin’s back, to his shoulder and very carefully down his arm until Jongin looks up at him again. 

„You’re not nervous at all?“ Jongin asks, his voice cracking a bit and Kyungsoo’s breath stutters at the thought of him touching Jongin being the reason. 

„I am.“ Kyungsoo mumbles, moving his hand to rest it on the couch instead. „I’m always nervous around you.“ 

„Right now?“ Jongin’s a lot closer, the tips of his bangs brushing Kyungsoo’s forehead.

„Yeah.“ Kyungsoo’s grip on him tightens.

_Just feel my ridiculous heart beat right now then you’d know._

When Jongin leans closer, Kyungsoo closes his eyes, because he expects Jongin to kiss his lips but he gets a kiss on the cheek instead. Jongin nuzzles the side of his face and Kyungsoo smiles, feeling slightly out of breath and he doesn’t even get to open his eyes before Jongin brushes their lips together. 

It’s sweet and gentle, lasts only for a few seconds and when Jongin pulls away he’s still close enough for their noses to touch. Kyungsoo keeps his eyes closed and pulls him closer and Jongin kisses his other cheek, presses their temples together. 

„I want to kiss you. All the time.“ Jongin mumbles into his ear. „I’m trying really hard to hold back.“ 

Kyungsoo muffles his laugh in Jongin’s shoulder while they shift to hug each other as best as they can in their position. Jongin melts into him and hides his face in Kyungsoo’s neck again, pressing a kiss to the same spot from time to time while Kyungsoo rubs his back and listens to his steady breathing. 

He isn’t sure how it happens, but they both fall asleep like that, lulled into it by each other’s presence.

 

 

 

He wakes up to Baekhyun taking pictures of them. 

Kyungsoo is confused for a second, but once he understands what’s happening he glares at Baekhyun, starts to move to try and stop him from taking more pictures but then he remembers that Jongin is still there, still lying on top of him, snoring into his shoulder.

Jongin whines a bit, his grip on Kyungsoo tightening and Kyungsoo suddenly forgets why he was mad. His face instantly softens, a smile tugging on his lips. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t even notice that Baekhyun’s recording every second of it. 

 

 

**_x_ **

 

 

Nothing much happens for the remainder of the day.

The storm doesn’t stop, meaning they can’t leave the house. They spend most of the time drinking hot chocolate, playing board games with several movies running in the background. 

It’s another lazy day, maybe a bit of a waste given the fact that they’re going to leave the day after tomorrow but somehow it’s nice. They all talk about their lives, their loved ones, their plans for the future. 

Jongin sits by his side the whole time and Kyungsoo isn’t sure if the younger is paying attention to the conversation at all because whenever Kyungsoo turns to look at him he catches Jongin already staring at him even though he tries to look away as soon as he gets caught. 

To say that they’re the center of their friends’ attention would be an understatement. The guys tease them for every little glance, for every touch, for how close they sit, everything. 

Things are good. Almost too good. 

Jongin can’t keep his hands off, constantly touching Kyungsoo but always too careful and too gentle like he’s still convinced that Kyungsoo is going to tell him off for touching him. Kyungsoo tries to show him it’s okay by giving him reassuring smiles but the thing is, Kyungsoo feels like crawling out of his skin around Jongin, and it’s hard to put on a brave smile when he’s secretly trying not to have a heart attack with how close Jongin is all the time. 

It starts getting dark outside, and the storm seems a bit more violent now, and Kyungsoo feels Jongin grow a bit tense next to him on the couch where they’re sitting underneath a pile of soft blankets. 

They’re watching Rise of the Guardians and Kyungsoo knows Jongin likes animated movies so he hopes that it’ll distract the younger a bit from what’s going on outside but Jongin keeps glancing to the window whenever the wind howls a bit too loud. 

He carefully reaches for Jongin’s hand under the blanket where no one can see and gives it a squeeze. Jongin doesn’t look at him but his shoulders look a bit less tense and he turns his palm to lace their fingers together, immediately rubbing his thumb over Kyungsoo’s knuckles. 

Kyungsoo’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. He’s warm all over, he’s so happy, and he doesn’t know if he’s supposed to be scared or not. 

Isn’t all of this going to fast? Isn’t all of this too easy to be true?

Maybe Kyungsoo is just too used to Jongin and him running circles around each other and their feelings. Because that’s the only thing Kyungsoo has known so far; them making things complicated and just generally being idiots. The thought of them finally finding some peace started to feel like an impossibility.

Kyungsoo sighs, hating how his chest suddenly feels heavy again. He really wishes he wasn’t like this but he can’t help it.

Jongin - almost like he’s sensing his distress - turns to look at him. „Are you okay?“ He squeezes Kyungsoo’s hand comfortingly. 

And Kyungsoo wants to be honest about his worries but Jongin looks so peaceful for the first time ever since Kyungsoo saw him again that he doesn’t have the heart to burden him with his thoughts. 

„Yeah.“ He gives him a smile and mindlessly reaches out to wipe an eyelash from Jongin’s cheek, making the younger freeze and look at him like he’s starstruck, which in return makes Kyungsoo forget that they’re in a room full of people.

„Aww, fuck, look at that!“ Chanyeol laughs after witnessing the moment between them.

„I think I’m gonna throw up.“ Jongdae mutters. 

„You are, honest to good, the cutest couple I’ve seen in my life.“ Baekhyun grins at them and behind all the teasing Kyungsoo can see how absolutely happy their friends are for them. He also notices how none of them are focused on the movie anymore; they’re all just watching Kyungsoo and Jongin like a bunch of creeps.

„Yeah! You two look really good together.“ Junmyeon smiles. „I mean, I guess you always have. But it’s nice to see you back together. You know, without all that miserable pining and all.“ 

„I actually never understood how you two didn’t see what the whole school already knew.“ Minseok adds. „Everyone knew you were in love.“ 

„What?“ Kyungsoo frowns at them. He feels Jongin freeze next to him. 

„Yeah, I mean even Soojung knew—“ Minseok stops talking when he notices how everyone went silent and how Baekhyun makes warning hand motions at him. „O-Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you knew.“ 

„Knew what?“ Kyungsoo wants to know. 

„It’s nothing.“ Sehun quickly shakes his head, eyeing Jongin. 

But Kyungsoo isn’t stupid and he notices the fake, reassuring smile on his friends’ faces. „Alright; what am I missing?“ 

Sehun sighs. „Kyungsoo hyung—“

„No.“ Jongin suddenly interrupts. Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongin, feeling a lot more worried than he did a second ago when he sees how nervous Jongin looks. „Maybe we should talk about this alone.“ 

 

 

**_ x _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the long wait but i had to split this chapter up. it would've been way too long otherwise and also the second part isn't completely finished yet.. i'll post it as soon as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

_** x ** _

 

„Oh, yeah. It’s getting late anyways.“ Baekhyun suddenly gets up, ushering all the others to do the same. „You all better be awake at seven tomorrow. We have lots to prepare.“

„Is all of that really necessary?“ Sehun whines as he gets up. „It’s just us anyways—“

„It’s Christmas Eve!“ Baekhyun shoves him in the direction of the stairs. „And I’m quite sick of you complaining all the time you brat.“

„Ouch.“ 

Sehun actually looks a bit hurt but Baekhyun pulls him into a hug and kisses his head and they both are laughing again the next second. 

„Come on.“ Jongin mumbles quietly, gently pulling on Kyungsoo’s hand. 

„Jongin…“ Kyungsoo starts nervously, following the rest of their friends upstairs. Chanyeol stays behind with Yixing and Minseok, the latter shooting Kyungsoo an apologetic look. 

But why? 

„It’s okay.“ Jongin clears his throat. His hand feels clammy against Kyungsoo’s. „Don’t be scared hyung. There’s just things that I have to tell you.“ 

„But why is everyone acting like it’s something bad?“

Jongin is silent as they walk down the dark corridor. „It’s not exactly good. Just— one more thing I fucked up with.“ 

Kyungsoo doesn’t talk after that. So he was right; it all just seemed too nice to be true. There just had to be something more that would probably disturb their peace before it even really started. 

They walk into Kyungsoo’s room and Kyungsoo lets go of Jongin’s hand and goes to sit down on the bed, watching Jongin warily as the younger sits down next to him. 

The younger stares at the wall for a while, not saying anything. 

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo speaks up. „What was Minseok saying about Soojung?“ 

Jongin then finally turns to look at him. He looks even more scared than Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo wants to tell him that it’s okay because Jongin looking like this is even worse than his own anxiety. „Soojung knew I was in love with you.“ 

Kyungsoo frowns at Jongin for a moment. And then he suddenly starts panicking. „Is that why she— did you break up because of me?“ 

„No!“ Jongin shakes his head. „No, no hyung don’t worry. That’s not it.“ 

„Then what?“

„Hyung.“ Jongin sighs. „I told you, that I fell in love with you second year into college. I’ve been in love with you ever since.“ 

Kyungsoo’s skin starts feeling warm again at Jongin’s words and how intense his eyes are on Kyungsoo. He hesitantly nods his head. 

„Do you not understand?“ Jongin wants to know.

„I…“ Kyungsoo frowns at him. He doesn’t understand at all.

„I started dating Soojung in our final year.“ Jongin gives him an expectant look, like he’s waiting for Kyungsoo to catch on.

„Jongin, what—“

„Hyung, why would I date her when I was in love with you?“ 

Kyungsoo gulps. He suddenly remembers the scene again; when he saw Jongin and her kissing. How he almost physically felt his heart crack. He still remembers how much that hurt. „I don’t know.“ His voice cracks and Jongin’s face falls. He moves closer and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and Kyungsoo lets him.

„I only dated her because I thought it would help me forget about you.“ Jongin says. „I thought that I would fall in love with her eventually.“ He isn’t meeting Kyungsoo’s eyes anymore, like he’s too ashamed to do so. „I know how unfair that was. Like everything else I did back then.“ He takes a deep breath before carefully looking at Kyungsoo again. „Of course my plan didn’t work out. I was still in love with you. I couldn’t even— I couldn’t kiss her without wishing it was you instead.“ 

Their fingers slip between the spaces of the other’s and Kyungsoo has to squeeze Jongin’s hand to focus on something else but Jongin’s words. 

„Soojung wasn’t stupid. She noticed.“ He further explains. „She confronted me about it about two months into our relationship. She said she knew that I didn’t love her. And she also said that… that only a blind person wouldn’t be able to tell how I was head over heels for you.“ 

So that’s what Minseok meant. 

„But you didn’t break up until graduation. How…“

„Her parents were really conservative. They barely accepted it when she told them that we were dating. I was the first guy she introduced to them so she couldn’t simply tell them we broke up a month later.“ Jongin bites his lip and Kyungsoo sees his Adam’s apple bob heavily. „I agreed because I didn’t want her to get in trouble and I also… I hoped that maybe I’d fall in love her along the way. That didn’t work out, of course.“

Jongin looks at him like he expects Kyungsoo to get mad. Like he just ruined everything. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to feel. He never even thought about Jongin’s and Soojung’s relationship, never doubted it because there never was a reason to. Soojung was the prettiest girl at their university, and she had a crush on Jongin so Kyungsoo never had a reason to question them when they started dating.

„Hyung… say something.“ Jongin mutters, a pained look in his eyes.

„I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.“ Kyungsoo answers, shrugging his shoulders tiredly. „I’m not mad at you.“ 

„What?“ Jongin shakes his head at him. „Why not? Did you not hear—“

„I heard you.“ He sighs and stares at their tangled hands. „Haven’t we already established that you weren’t exactly in a good place when all of those things happened? I’m not— god… I’m not saying what you did was okay. You’re right, that wasn’t fair to Soojung at all. You were lucky she was so nice about it. You could’ve really hurt someone.“

_Aside from me_ , he adds in his mind.

Jongin face falls with every sentence but he nods his head like he agrees. 

„But… well, yeah. I’m not mad. I’m more mad about the fact that everyone seems to have known about this. They should’ve told me.“ Kyungsoo purses his lips. 

„It’s not their fault.“ Jongin shakes his head. „I asked them not to tell you. And they only found out about it this week. I— I only told them now as well. Except for Sehun. He knew all along.“

Kyungsoo nods his head, still frowning. He notices how much Jongin’s hand in his own is sweating and the tension leaves his body, a solemn smile spreading on his face. He rubs his thumb over Jongin’s knuckles. 

„Did you ever talk to Soojung again?“ He asks. 

„What?“ Jongin looks surprised at the question. „Oh. Uhm. We still talk from time to time. We’re still good friends.“ 

Kyungsoo looks up into Jongin’s eyes at this, sees the smile on Jongin’s face and he doesn’t really understand where the sudden pain in his chest is coming from. 

It seems to show on his face because Jongin moves closer, holding Kyungsoo’s hand tighter. „Hyung, it’s not like that. It never was like that. She’s just a friend. I never saw her as anything more.“

„It’s okay.“ 

„Then why are you looking at me like that?“ 

„I don’t know.“ Kyungsoo gulps heavily, the sudden lump in his throat making his voice all wobbly. 

There’s warmth on the side of his face, Jongin’s palm resting there and forcing him to look into his eyes. „I’m sorry. I keep making you sad.“ 

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „I’m just being stupid. It’s not your fault.“ 

Jongin looks like he’s going to disagree but he closes his mouth at the warning look Kyungsoo gives him. 

„We should go to sleep.“ Kyungsoo quickly says because Jongin still has that awful look on his face and he’s not sure if he can handle any more serious talk today. „I’m pretty sure Baekhyun was serious about us getting up at seven.“ 

Jongin still doesn’t look too pleased but Kyungsoo gives him a pleading look to end the conversation. Jongin sighs and puts on a smile but it’s still sad and Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to make it better for now.

„It’s almost Christmas.“ Kyungsoo says to change the subject.

„I don’t even have a present for you.“ Jongin purses his lips.

Kyungsoo doesn’t have a present for anyone either. They agreed on not getting each other anything because they decided to go on this trip pretty much last minute and it would’ve been too much of a hassle to buy a present for everyone. 

„It’s fine. I don’t have one for you either.“ 

„Ah, but you already gave mine to me.“ Jongin suddenly starts grinning. 

„What? No I didn’t.“

„You did. Because all I wanted for Christmas was you. And look what happened.“ 

Kyungsoo stares at him blankly. He really doesn’t want to believe that Jongin actually just said those words. „Don’t ever say that again.“

And suddenly all traces of sadness leave Jongin’s features. He starts beaming at Kyungsoo, and if it isn’t the most beautiful thing Kyungsoo has ever seen then he doesn’t know.

Because it’s like the sun rises in his face when he smiles at Kyungsoo like that. 

„Stop laughing. I mean it.“ Kyungsoo frowns at him but Jongin’s leaning closer, actually _giggling_ right now. „Stop. I don't like you!“  


„You do.“ Jongin pushes him down on the mattress in a swift movement, hovering above him. His eyes are small crescents, his teeth biting into his lip to stop himself from smiling so much. „You do like me.“  


„You can’t prove that.“ 

„I don’t have to.“ Jongin leans down a little, the smile on his face and his eyes turning soft. „It’s written all over your face.“ 

Kyungsoo can’t do anything but stare at Jongin.

Because he’s right. 

He feels breathless, just looking at Jongin, his heart racing, because he sees the entire damn universe in Jongin’s eyes. 

His hands fist into Jongin’s sweater, pulling him closer. Kyungsoo can’t understand how one person can make another feel this way. How Kyungsoo only started feeling like a whole person again now that Jongin is back by his side. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t believe in soulmates. Jongin does. They used to have so many arguments about that back in the days.

But the thing is, when Jongin looks at him like this - like Kyungsoo is the only thing that matters to him in this world - he makes Kyungsoo _want_ to believe that soulmates exist. 

„Penny for your thoughts?“ Jongin mumbles quietly.

Kyungsoo feels his entire face heat up. He can’t believe he’s having silly thoughts like that.

„They’re not worth the penny.“ Kyungsoo tries to joke, but he can’t stop himself from admiring Jongin, or hide how he feels like all breath was knocked out of him.

It’s like he falls in love again, right in that moment. 

„They are to me.“ Jongin licks his lips, his eyes flickering over Kyungsoo’s face. „You know they are.“ 

„Jongin…“ Kyungsoo pulls him closer until he can feel Jongin’s breath on his lips. „Jongin, I—“

„You what?“ Jongin whispers against his lips. He feels warm and heavy on top of Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo likes how it feel; he likes it more than he could ever admit. He holds Jongin’s hips, more like grips them hard enough to bruise with how nervous he is. 

Jongin looks into his eyes, must see how on edge Kyungsoo suddenly feels, because he gives him a warm smile. Understanding Kyungsoo wordlessly. 

The way it’s always been between them. 

„I know hyung.“ Jongin’s lips brush against his as he speaks and it’s pure torture. „Don’t worry.“ 

Kyungsoo leans up to connect their lips, one of his hands coming up grip Jongin’s hair as their lips start moving together. Jongin tilts his head and Kyungsoo parts his mouth when everything starts growing hazy. It’s gentle and languid and Jongin’s taste, the hushed sounds he makes, it all makes Kyungsoo’s grip on him tighten because god, he doesn’t want to let go of him again after all of this. 

Jongin nips at his lower lip before pulling away enough for them to breathe. Kyungsoo blinks his eyes open, sees the blush on Jongin’s face, the sweet smile on his lips and Jongin looks so in love with Kyungsoo when he brushes a strand of hair out of his face. 

„Are you going to sleep here?“ Kyungsoo asks.

„Is that fine with you?“ 

„Yeah.“ 

So a few minutes later after getting ready they’re curled up under the blankets, lying on their sides facing each other. Jongin’s arm is wrapped round Kyungsoo’s waist, his palm running over Kyungsoo’s back soothingly and Kyungsoo in return doesn’t even notice how he’s gently stroking Jongin’s hip. 

Jongin looks like he’s about to fall asleep but he’s trying to fight it, his eyes locked on Kyungsoo’s when he shifts to pull them closer together. The tips of their noses touch and Kyungsoo can smell the mind from his tooth paste. 

„Jongin.“ He whispers.

„What?“

„Why are you so scared of storms?“ Kyungsoo’s voice is hushed. Jongin never told him because Kyungsoo never asked. He knew Jongin was embarrassed about it and the Kyungsoo from the past never would’ve done anything to make Jongin feel uncomfortable no matter how curious he was.

Jongin looks at him in silence for a while before shrugging his shoulders. „I’m not sure. I don’t think there’s a reason.“ 

„There isn’t?“

„There might be. I don’t know. Maybe something happened when I was little and I forgot.“ 

Kyungsoo moves his hand up to Jongin’s face, cradling his cheek and smiling when Jongin turns to kiss his wrist with a smile. „Why aren’t you scared when you’re with me?“ 

„I don’t know.“ Jongin repeats. „I think it’s because I trust you so much. You wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.“ 

And Jongin’s so right. Kyungsoo brushes his thumb over the younger’s cheek bone, his heart aching from how much he feels for him. „I guess you’re right.“

„And I wouldn’t let anything happen to you either.“ Jongin whispers, pulling him closer until their lips nearly touch. „Not again. I hope you know that.“

Kyungsoo nods. Jongin closes his eyes and moves to burry his face in Kyungsoo’s chest. 

That’s how they fall asleep; Kyungsoo carding his fingers through Jongin’s hair with his lips pressed to his forehead and Jongin holding him close like he doesn’t plan on letting go any time soon. 

 

 

_**x** _

 

 

True to his words, Baekhyun wakes them up the next morning by setting up his speakers in the hallway where the bedrooms are. The loud tunes of „Christmas is all around“ is what pulls Kyungsoo out of what has to be one of the most peaceful slumbers he’s ever had. 

He groans, hearing almost simultaneous complaints from the other rooms at being woken up like this. He blinks his eyes open, feeling way too warm and sticky because Jongin’s been pressed up against him the entire night. 

It’s okay though, because the younger’s still peacefully snoring against Kyungsoo’s chest and Kyungsoo can’t even fight the sleepy smile that creeps up on his face at the sight, no matter how ungodly early it is.

He pulls Jongin a bit closer and starts massaging his back, his stomach doing a flip when Jongin makes a very content sound that sounds a lot like a moan as he curls closer into Kyungsoo’s chest. 

Just then Baekhyun decides to turn up the volume of the music even more. 

„You crazy bastard turn that shit down!!!“ Chanyeol shouts from his room. 

„Not until you get your lazy asses out of bed!“ Baekhyun shouts right back.

„Baekhyun I swear to god it’s seven in the morning don’t fucking test me—“

„Stop swearing!“ That’s Yixing.

„Stop screaming you idiots!“ And that would be Sehun.

Jongin groans against his chest, pulling the blanket over his head. „Hyung, make it stop.“

Kyungsoo chuckles. „We should get up. He’s really excited for today.“

Jongin whines some more but after a minute he peeks out from under the blanket, blinking at Kyungsoo with puffy eyes. „I’m so tired.“

„You can sleep in tomorrow.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. „Or you can take a nap later.“

„As if Baekhyun hyung would let me.“ The younger groans again, closing his eyes. „I want to stay in bed with you.“ 

„It’s Christmas Eve today though.“ Kyungsoo runs his fingers through Jongin’s hair and smiles at Jongin’s words. He wouldn’t mind staying in bed with him for a bit longer either. 

„Another reason to sleep in.“ Jongin finally opens his eyes and shuffles up the bed until he’s face to face with Kyungsoo. „Good morning hyung.“

„Good morning Jongin.“ 

„Did you sleep well?“

„Mhm.“ Jongin starts smiling and Kyungsoo smiles back. „What about you?“

„I did.“ 

They’re back to smiling at each other like complete idiots and Kyungsoo really wonders if Jongin’s body is acting up as much as his own is. He wants to know if Jongin’s heart is thundering like his own, or if his stomach feels funny whenever they look at each other. 

„Come on. Let’s get up.“ Kyungsoo mumbles to get rid of his thoughts. He sits up and is glad to see that Jongin quickly does the same. 

Jongin’s hair is a mess and he looks half drunk as he scratches at his chest. „I’m tired.“ He states once again.

„I know.“

„I really don’t think this is right.“ 

„Stop complaining.“ Kyungsoo laughs and gets out of the bed, the cold air in the room making him shiver. He’s about to walk into the bathroom when Jongin stops him.

„Hyung, help me get up.“ 

Kyungsoo turns to give him a frown. „You seriously haven’t changed at all, have you?“ 

„Why?“ Even his stupid pout’s still there.

„You’re still so needy.“

Jongin drops his grabby hand. „It’s not like I’m like this with everyone.“ He sounds a bit dejected almost and Kyungsoo instantly feels bad. 

He starts walking back to the bed and reaches for Jongin’s hand, tangling their fingers together before he starts pulling. „Come on.“ 

Jongin still isn’t meeting his eyes even when he’s standing and yes, Jongin might’ve changed in a lot of ways, but this part of him is still the same. 

And Kyungsoo won’t admit it out loud, but he’s actually really glad it is. 

„Don’t be like this.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. „I was just joking.“ 

„I’m not the same anymore.“ Jongin shrugs. „But when you say that I’m scared that I might be.“ 

„Oh, Jongin.“ Kyungsoo sighs. How is it that they’re back to talking about this stuff just minutes after waking up? He figures there’s still a lot of work to do before they can actually leave all of the bad things behind. „You _did_ change, alright? For the better. Just because you’re still the same in some ways doesn’t mean it’s bad.“ He pats Jongin’s chin to make the younger look at him. „I— God. I hate you for making me say this. I like this side of you, okay?“ 

„You don’t have to lie. I know it’s annoying. Everyone says so—“

„Well, I’m not everyone. I don’t care what they say. I like it when you’re needy. I like taking care of you.“ 

_ What? _

Oh god. 

That— is definitely not what he meant to say. 

And yet Kyungsoo can’t even deny that it’s the truth.

Jongin blinks at him, completely taken aback by Kyungsoo’s words, and Kyungsoo very closely watches how a deep blush spreads on Jongin’s cheeks.

„You mean that?“ Jongin asks, stepping closer until Kyungsoo has to tilt his head to maintain eye contact. 

Kyungsoo nods without thinking.

He only stares at Jongin’s lips when he speaks again. „I—I like it when you take care of me.“ 

The words make something coil in Kyungsoo’s stomach and he suddenly has a hard time not pulling Jongin flush against his body. 

He has no idea what they’re talking about at this point but judging by the way Jongin is looking at him it’s not something he ever expected them to talk about.

At least not this soon. 

„Good.“ He croaks, his mind suddenly going places that make the temperature in the room feel ten times warmer. 

Jongin keeps looking at him, his eyes too intense, his lips too plush and too inviting—

And then someone knocks on the door. 

„Soo, are you awake?“ It’s Baekhyun. 

„Y-Yeah.“ 

„Can I come in?“

„No!“ 

„Why the hell not? Are you naked? It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.“ 

Jongin frowns at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo honestly is about to face palm. 

„What do you want?“

„Ohhhh… I get it. Jongin’s in there with you, isn’t he? Sorry, I just need your help with breakfast but take your time. Just don’t take too long. I mean, I’ll give you ten minutes. I think that’s enough if you’re fast—“

„OKAY!“ Kyungsoo starts panicking. „I’ll be there in a minute just—- stop talking.“ 

Baekhyun snickers but it’s silent after that so Kyungsoo figures he left. 

He looks up to see Jongin staring at him blankly. He thinks the younger is actually mad because of what Baekhyun said about seeing him naked but Jongin starts smiling at him despite the flush on his cheeks. 

„Hyung, I’m not sure if ten minutes will be enough.“ 

Kyungsoo glares at him and pushes him aside to walk into the bathroom. 

He pretends not to hear Jongin’s amused laugh behind him.

 

 

**_x_ **

 

 

 

The weather’s a lot better today. Kyungsoo has no clue how they’re supposed to free their cars that are half covered in snow by now, but there’s almost no wind and the snowflakes falling from the sky don’t look like they’re about to attack them if they were to step outside. 

„It’s a shame the sun’s not out.“ Baekhyun mumbles as they - for the nth time - prepare breakfast together. 

Kyungsoo isn’t even about to question why the other guys never help with breakfast. He knows very well that all of them are still in bed (Jongin too, who was already asleep again by the time Kyungsoo was done in the bathroom). 

„It’s fine. We can still go out.“ Kyungsoo answers while he boils some eggs. 

Baekhyun nods his head and starts singing along to the song that’s playing from his speakers, now at a decent volume. „So…“ 

„Hm?“

„Did he sleep in your room last night?“ 

Kyungsoo freezes for a moment before he clears his throat, nodding his head. „Yeah.“ 

„Oh.“ Baekhyun smirks while he proceeds to cut some onions. „How was it?“ 

„What do you mean?“ Kyungsoo shakes his head at him. „We only slept.“  


„ _Only_ slept?“

„Yes.“ 

„Why?“ 

„What _why_?“ 

„I just—“ Baekhyun starts snickering at the expression on Kyungsoo’s face. „Don’t get mad! I just thought… I don’t know. Didn’t think you’d be able to hold back after pining after him for so long.“ 

„I’m not a hormone driven teenager, you know.“ 

Honestly, up until their… surprising conversation this morning Kyungsoo hasn’t really thought much about anything more happening between him and Jongin. They’ve only started sorting things out between them and Kyungsoo really doesn’t think there’s a need to rush. 

„But don’t you want to?“ Baekhyun for once doesn’t sound teasing or just overly nosy. He simply sounds interested and Kyungsoo figures he owes him some answers after all the work he’s put into this trip. 

„Of course I want to.“ Kyungsoo starts feeling hot again, thinking about the things he said to Jongin. 

He isn’t even sure if he meant them in _that_ way. 

But it’s not like Kyungsoo would mind taking care of Jongin. In every possible way. 

_Stop stop stop._

Baekhyun gives him a creepy smirk, almost like he can read Kyungsoo’s mind and Kyungsoo is getting way too flustered. 

„Ahh, you know. Usually I wouldn’t let you off so easily, but it’s Christmas Eve and I want to be a good friend for once. So I’m not going to ask any further.“ Baekhyun sighs and walks over to the stove to start heating up some oil for the onions. He turns to look over his shoulder, a bright smile spreading on his face. „Good morning Jongin!“

„Good morning, hyung“ 

Kyungsoo turns around and true to Baekhyun’s words, finds Jongin leaning against the door frame, a stupid smile on his face. „I thought you were asleep.“ Kyungsoo huffs, because of course Jongin comes into the kitchen right now.

Jongin’s eyes land on him and the smile on his face changes into an amused smirk. 

_Of course_ he heard them. 

„I felt bad.“ He explains, coming closer. „I thought I’d help you guys.“ 

„Good. I was about to go and try to wake those idiots up again anyways.“ Baekhyun says before he walks out of the kitchen without another word. 

Kyungsoo sighs and puts the eggs to the side before he turns to make sure the onions Baekhyun just left sizzling in the pan don’t burn. 

„Can I help?“ Jongin asks, suddenly standing at Kyungsoo’s side. 

„You can peel the eggs.“ Kyungsoo answers without looking up. It’s not Jongin’s fault that he feels so stressed. It’s no one’s fault, really. He just feels like he went through way too many emotions in the past couple of days and _that’s_ Jongin’s fault. 

He can feel Jongin glancing at him every now and then while the both of them work quietly next to each other. Kyungsoo feels bad for being so silent but he can’t bring himself to open his mouth to say something. 

„Are you okay?“

„Yes.“ 

Jongin sighs. „You’re not. What’s wrong?“ 

„It’s nothing. I’m being stupid. It’s not your fault.“

„But you were fine earlier. Did hyung say something?“

„Jongin I said I’m okay.“ 

It comes out harsher than intended. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know why he’s suddenly acting like this. Maybe it’s the effects of the emotional rollercoaster he’s went through in the past couple of days, but that’s not fair, because it’s not like Jongin has had it any easier and he isn’t taking it out on Kyungsoo. 

„Okay.“ Jongin says. Kyungsoo glances at him and catches the hurt look on his face and instantly regrets acting the way he did. 

This really is just unnecessary stress Kyungsoo is causing. They’ve had more than enough of that. 

Jongin is quietly peeling the eggs and isn’t facing Kyungsoo so he reaches out and covers Jongin’s hand with his own, causing the younger to halt in his movements. He makes Jongin put the egg down and pulls at his hand until Jongin’s facing him. 

„I’m sorry.“ Kyungsoo says and watches how Jongin lifts his head to look him in the eyes carefully. 

„It’s fine.“ He mumbles. „Are you sure you’re okay?“ 

Kyungsoo tries to remember if Jongin’s always been like this. If he always ignored his own feelings in favor of making sure Kyungsoo was okay, like he’s doing right now. Because Kyungsoo knows how sensitive Jongin is and the way Kyungsoo reacted before must’ve hurt him yet he doesn’t show it. 

 

 

 

 

_Kyungsoo is going to fail the class. That’s the only thing he comes up with as he stares at his test results on his lap_ _top._

_It’s the first time that he seriously considers just giving up because he spent so many hours studying for the subject but his brain just doesn’t seem to be able to make the connections during exams._

_On top of that, he came down with the flue. His throat’s sore and he has a major headache and he stepped into puddle on his way here and the café he’s working at is late with the payment of his salary again._

_He isn’t in the best mood to say the least._

_„Hyung!“ The door bursts open and Jongin comes inside, shirtless, and the sight only stresses out Kyungsoo more because why on earth is Jongin so careless?_

_He’s basically_ asking _to get sick._

_And Kyungsoo doesn’t even want to know how many people swooned over the sight while Jongin walked to his room like this._

_„What?“ Kyungsoo asks. He knows he sounds upset. He is._

_Jongin doesn’t immediately catch on to that fact though.“Hyung, did you see my shirt anywhere?“_

_„What shirt?“ Kyungsoo sighs as he pushes his laptop away. He can’t stand to stare at his horrifying grades any longer or he seriously might pack his things and put an end to his college life._

_„You know, the one with the Star Wars print on it.“_

_„What?“ Kyungsoo squints his eyes, tired and confused. His head’s actually killing him._

_„Did you not listen to me?“_

_„How should I know where you put your shirt?“_

_Jongin blinks at him, taken aback by the tone of Kyungsoo’s voice. „I just thought I left it here. Why are you so snappy?“_

_„I’m not snappy.“ Kyungsoo grunts, trying to not lash out on Jongin. His friend’s done nothing wrong but he might just be here at the worst time. „Can you leave?“_

_„What? Why?“_

_„Jongin, I’m not in the mood to talk.“_

_„What happened?“_

_„Nothing. I’m having a bad day. Just go.“_

_„Uhm. Can I look for my shirt?“_

_„Your stupid shirt isn’t here. Why do you have to be so annoying?“_

_It rarely happens that one of them says something to hurt the other. The last time it happened was months ago and they were both drunk and they fought over something silly as Jongin leaving his used contact lenses on Kyungsoo’s bed._

_Jongin doesn’t even try to hide how upset he is. He leaves the room by slamming the door and Kyungsoo’s regret kicks in only ten seconds later._

_He takes a hot shower and takes a pill for his migraines and two hours and a long uplifting talk with Jongdae about their miserable grades later Kyungsoo feels a lot better._

_And also a lot worse about his behavior towards his best friend._

_He tries texting him but Jongin obviously doesn’t text him back so Kyungsoo grabs his hoodie and decides to go to his room instead._

_Sehun opens the door with a lollipop in his mouth, an amused smile on his face. „Trouble in paradise?“_

_Kyungsoo sighs. „Is he here?“_

_„Yeah. He’s been sulking for the past two hours.“ Sehun steps aside to let Kyungsoo in and goes to grab his phone before he leaves the room without a word, leaving the two of them alone._

_And well, Sehun wasn’t lying._

_Jongin is sitting on his bed, holding his phone in his hand (so there’s no way he didn’t get Kyungsoo’s texts) with a sour expression on his face._

_Kyungsoo sits down next to him and waits for Jongin to acknowledge his presence but of course that doesn’t happen. Jongin honestly is the most stubborn person he’s ever met in his life and Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he loves him so much._

_That’s not true. He does know. Because even if there’s a hundred bad things about Jongin, the good things about him will always outweigh the negative stuff._

_„Jongin.“ He tries and gets no response. He waits for a few more seconds before grabbing Jongin’s phone and tossing it on Sehun’s bed._

_Jongin glares at him before he shuffles down on the bed and turns to lie on his side, facing away from Kyungsoo._

_So damn stubborn._

_Such a sensitive baby._

_Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at the thought, his features softening on their own as he looks at his best friend._

_„Jongin. I’m sorry.“ He says. „I wasn’t feeling very well and took it out on you. You’re not annoying. You know I don’t seriously think that.“_

_„People are more honest when they’re angry.“ Is what Jongin mumbles._

_Kyungsoo sighs. „That’s not true. You just say things you don’t mean when you’re angry because you want to hurt the other person.“_

_„So you wanted to hurt me. Thanks.“_

_„Jongin, don’t be like this.“ Kyungsoo stares at the ceiling, feeling like he’s talking to a child. „You’re my favorite person. You wouldn’t be my best friend if I’d really find you annoying.“_

_„Okay.“_

_„Are you seriously not going to forgive me?“_

_„I don’t feel like it.“_

_„You’re being childish.“_

_„Okay. So why don’t you leave? Because I’m obviously childish and annoying.“_

_„Oh my god.“_

_Jongin huffs and Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he wants to hit him with a pillow or kiss him breathless._

_Kyungsoo does the only thing he can think of at this point; he reaches his hands out and pokes them into Jongin’s sides._

_The younger grunts and tries to shy away from the touch but Kyungsoo keeps going until Jongin bursts out laughing under the sudden assault._

_„Stop!“ Jongin shouts, pressing himself against the wall as far away from Kyungsoo._

_„Only if you forgive me.“_

_„No! Get off!“_

_Kyungsoo tickles him harder until Jongin is half sobbing._

_„Okay— stop! Stop!“_

_Before Kyungsoo knows it, Jongin spins around and grabs Kyungsoo’s arm, pulling him into his bed and a second later Jongin is hovering above him, glaring at him while he’s trying to catch his breath._

_Kyungsoo smiles up at his flushed face. „You have to forgive me now.“_

_„I forgave you as soon as you came in.“ Jongin snorts._

_„Then why’d you make me go through all that?“_

_„You deserved it.“_

_„But I apologized.“  
_

_Jongin shrugs but he’s smiling again and Kyungsoo, once more, softens at the sight._

_„I’m really sorry, Jongin.“ He says, reaching up to fix Jongin’s bangs. He runs his thumb over his left eyebrow and Jongin basically turns into a human puppy under his touches._

_„I know.“ Jongin mumbles, closing his eyes. „I’m sorry too. For being such a brat.“_

_„I’m glad you’re acknowledging it.“_

_Jongin gapes at him and they end up wrestling on the bed, Jongin telling him to take it back and Kyungsoo laughing at how adorable his best friend’s acting._

_At the end, they’re in the same position again, with Jongin smiling down at him._

_There’s really no stopping Kyungsoo’s heart from going crazy when Jongin smiles at him like that._

_If he were to open his mouth right now, three irreversible words would come out and ruin everything so he makes sure to seal his lips tightly._

_„Hyung.“ Jongin mumbles, leaning down to nudge his nose against Kyungsoo’s to get his attention. „Why were you in a bad mood?“_

_„It’s not important.“_

_„Please tell me. I don’t like seeing you like that.“_

_„I messed up my exam. I’m going to fail the class if I don’t get at least eighty-six points in the next one.“_

_Jongin frowns at him. „But that’s fine. You can do it. You’re good at studying.“_

_„Not for this. I don’t get it no matter how much I study.“ Kyungsoo sighs. His hand is rubbing Jongin’s arm, and Jongin’s fingers are playing with his hair._

_„I’ll help you.“ Jongin shrugs. „Please don’t worry too much about it. You won’t fail.“_

_Kyungsoo knows Jongin only says that to cheer him up but he’s thankful nonetheless. „If you say so.“_

_„I know it.“ Jongin smiles and ends up yawning. „You wanna sleep here?“_

_„I can’t. I still need to study.“_

_„Then I’ll sleep at yours. I’ll cut out some flash cards for you while you go through your notes.“_

_Kyungsoo looks at his best friend, his heart clenching in his chest and thinks ‚Why are you making it so damn hard?‘._

_But he ends up agreeing and they study in Kyungsoo’s room until the clock shows half past midnight and Jongin has passed out on his bed surrounded by paper shreds and enough flash cards to get Kyungsoo through the entire year._

_And when he’s about to fall asleep later, Jongin’s back pressed to his chest, his lips brushing his friend’s nape, he wonders how Jongin never feels the urgent pounding of his heart against his back._

 

 

 

 

 

„Hey, hyung.“ 

Kyungsoo blinks at Jongin’s worried face. 

„Are you okay?“ The younger asks, stepping forward to press his wet palm against Kyungsoo’s forehead. „Are you feeling sick?“ 

All Kyungsoo can think is how much more mature Jongin is yet there are still those little bits and pieces that haven’t changed at all, reminding him so much of his best friend.

Kyungsoo misses his best friend. He misses what they had, so incredibly much. Maybe he just misses the time from back then. 

But that’s stupid. Why would he miss a time where he had to hide his feelings? He knows how much it hurt. Maybe he is a masochist after all. 

Jongin looks like he’s about to call an ambulance when he sees how glassy Kyungsoo’s eyes suddenly are so Kyungsoo puts on a brave smile while his heart beats away in his chest, the thuds heavy and demanding. 

„I’m fine. I’m sorry.“ 

„You don’t look fine.“ Jongin says, confused by Kyungsoo’s behavior. 

Kyungsoo shakes his head, still thinking about the way Jongin cut out flash cards for him for three hours back in college, and a smile spreads on his face. 

„I’m…“ He starts, shrugging his shoulders. „I’m just glad to have you back.“ 

Jongin tilts his head. „Where’s this coming from hyung?“ 

„Because it’s the truth.“ Kyungsoo sighs and steps forward, wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist and squeezes him close. „I don’t think I want to be without you again.“

He doesn’t know why he’s so honest all a sudden but the words come out before he can stop them.

Jongin only takes a moment to hug him back but when he does, he does it in a way only Jongin can. He’s always given the best hugs. Tight and warm and like there’s nothing he’d rather be doing in that moment than holding Kyungsoo in his arms.

„That sounds like you think I’m going to leave.“

„No. I’m just saying I don’t want you to.“

„I’m not planning on leaving.“ Jongin mumbles into his shoulder, holding him closer. „I won’t leave unless you want me to. But even then I won’t, because I’m too stubborn for that.“ 

Kyungsoo laughs but it’s muffled by Jongin’s sweater. He closes his eyes and presses his face against Jongin’s shoulder. It makes him feel calm, like it used to back in college. 

A lot of things are starting to feel like the old days and while that’s a scary thought, Kyungsoo welcomes the slow, tiny changes with open arms.

He isn’t sure how long they stand like that but at one point they can hear their friends walking down the stairs so they step away from the embrace. Jongin nudges Kyungsoo’s chin with his hand. „Do you feel better?“ 

„Yes.“

„Good.“ Jongin smiles just as Minseok and Sehun shuffle inside, the latter demanding breakfast and Minseok smacking him upside the head for it.

 

 

_**x** _

 

 

It’s one of those days where Kyungsoo can’t tell where the time went. 

One moment they’re having breakfast (a proper, traditional one) and they sit there for about two hours, talking and laughing and generally just enjoying each other’s company without focusing on certain subjects that got too much attention before (Jongin and Kyungsoo). 

Jongin sits by his side and he’s mostly too busy stuffing his face to talk or defend himself when the others tease him for something but he seems genuinely happy for the first time; laughing without restraint and staring at Kyungsoo way too much, which inevitably leads to another round of coos and teasing remarks from the others. 

Kyungsoo tells him to stop and Jongin apologizes yet when Kyungsoo glances at him only a few minutes later, Jongin is back to staring. Like he can’t help himself. 

And Kyungsoo just tries to stop himself from smiling in order not to give away that he actually might enjoy Jongin’s attention on him.

 

 

 

They bake christmas cookies next.

They shouldn’t have. 

 

 

 

 

It takes them an entire hour to clean up the mess created in the kitchen (and on themselves) and after that Sehun complains he’s too tired to do anything else for the rest of the day. 

Baekhyun isn’t having any of that; he drags all of them out to go sledding on the hill only a few minutes away from their house. Even though most of them are complaining that they’re too tired, that it’s too cold and they’d rather stay inside to watch a movie, all of them have great time. 

(Minseok nearly dies once when he almost hits a tree at full speed but manages to save himself by jumping off. Baekhyun says he actually peed his pants from laughing so much at his hyung’s misery and Kyungsoo doesn’t question nor does he doubt the peeing part.) 

Jongin saves him from a snow ball by running in front of him and gets hit in the head instead of Kyungsoo. And it really isn’t that deep but Kyungsoo can’t help but feel touched, especially when Jongin pouts because it must’ve hurt. 

Kyungsoo laughs and brings his hand up to cup the back of his head, brushing the snow out of his hear and also rubbing the throbbing spot where Jongdae’s snowball hit him. 

„Does it hurt that bad?“ Kyungsoo snorts when Jongin’s still pouting after an entire minute. 

„I think hyung put ice in that snow ball.“ Jongin grumbles. „Kiss it better?“

„Are you serious?“ 

„I took a snowball for you.“ The younger leans down a bit.

Kyungsoo is glad that it’s cold outside so he can blame the flush on his cheeks on that when he leans up on his tiptoes while pulling Jongin down by his neck. Kyungsoo presses a gentle kiss against his head and is met with a very happy Jongin when he pulls back again. 

„Better?“

„Yes. But hyung, my lips kind of hurt too—“

Kyungsoo huffs and pushes him, making the younger stumble and land in the snow but he didn’t expect Jongin to grab him too, so the joke’s kind of on him when he falls face first into the cold snow. 

He can hear Jongdae’s obnoxious laughter from afar when he pushes himself back up, hovering over Jongin as he glares down at him.

„You pushed me.“ Jongin tries to defend himself.

„You deserved it!“

„But I just wanted a kiss.“

„Well you’re sure as hell not getting one now.“ 

Kyungsoo tries to to get up but Jongin suddenly cups the back of his neck and pulls him down to press their ice cold lips together. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to give in, but Jongin’s kissing him and he established a long time ago that he doesn’t have one ounce of self control in his body when it comes to Jongin. So that’s how he ends up kissing back, lowering his body on Jongin’s when the younger wraps his free arm around his waist.

It’s cold, and he can’t feel his toes, but his lips are prickling where Jongin is nipping on them and Jongin’s breath is warm on his face and Kyungsoo is too weak, because he can’t help but smile back.

 

They decide that they should call it a day when Chanyeol throws a snowball at Sehun, which ends up hitting him in the nose and gives him a pretty bad nosebleed. Sehun pretends he isn’t crying but everyone knows that he is. They don’t mention it, instead start fretting over him, because Sehun _is_ the youngest out of them after all.

By the time they’re back at the house the sun is already setting and Baekhyun complains and whines that they wasted most of their day playing outside even though all of it was his idea to begin with. 

There’s really no way to please Byun Baekhyun. 

 

 

 

It’s only when they’re sitting at the dinner table hours later; meat sizzling in the middle, several steaming pots and bowls being passed around, too many glasses of soju being poured and too many stupid stories told that Kyungsoo realizes that they’re going to leave tomorrow. 

He’s not sure where that leaves his relationship with Jongin.

What are they going to do? 

Are they going to go on dates?

Are they going to skip that part and just accept the fact that they’re a couple? 

Is that what Jongin wants?

What are their families going to say? They all know what Jongin did to him. They all know that they used to be best friends. Hell, Jongin used to call Kyungsoo’s mother _mom_. 

Does Jongin’s family even know that Jongin likes a man? Will they be fine with it? 

Kyungsoo curses under his breath at all those questions his brain starts coming up with and gulps down the rest of his soju. 

He hears Jongin laugh loudly next to him and glances at him. How he claps a hand over his mouth and his head falls back when he tries to silence his laughter. His eyes crinkling in the cutest way possible. Kyungsoo can’t help but smile. 

Jongin is _so_ beautiful. It’s why everyone at their school used to be so head over heels for him. 

And that idiot actually ended up settling for Kyungsoo out of all people. Yeah, seems like something Jongin would do. 

„What?“ Jongin wants to know when he turns and finds Kyungsoo’s eyes fixed on him. 

Jongdae falls from his chair at the other end of the table and Chanyeol spits his beer everywhere from laughing so hard. 

Kyungsoo shrugs. „You look cute.“ 

The younger seems taken aback for a moment but he starts smiling almost right away. „This feels weird.“

„What?“

„You saying that.“ Jongin mumbles, leaning closer and creating one of their famous invisible bubbles where only Jongin and Kyungsoo exist. „I don’t remember you ever complimenting me.“

Kyungsoo wants to protest but he finds that he can’t. Jongin’s right. Kyungsoo might’ve always thought those things about Jongin, but he never told Jongin how he felt or what he thought. 

„I never thought you needed to hear it.“ Kyungsoo shrugs. „Everyone else gave you enough compliments.“ 

„Yeah, but they’re not you.“ Jongin’s hand finds Kyungsoo’s arm, the tips of his fingers brushing over the skin. „You could’ve said I look good with neon hair and I would’ve taken it to heart."

Kyungsoo laughs at that but he feels warm all over, looking into Jongin’s eyes and how happy the younger looks right now. „I don’t doubt that.“ He doesn’t mention that he thinks Jongin would look good no matter what. 

 

 

 

The kitchen is surprisingly clean after that, given the fact that all of them were already slightly tipsy by the end of the dinner. 

They wanted to keep things harmless tonight by watching Christmas movies. Yeah, there is Home Alone running somewhere in the background but most of them are just horribly drunk at this point and Kyungsoo isn’t sure this is okay because it’s Christmas Eve and they really shouldn’t but when he looks into the round he thinks it fits their group perfectly. 

They roasted some marshmallows at the fire place first, and attempted to play some board games after that but ended up stopping after ten minutes because turns out Sehun and Baekhyun get way too competitive and Sehun started acting like a bratty child after losing the first round of Taboo. 

And now they’re simply sitting around the fire place, alcohol keeping them company while Yixing tells a Christmas tale that sounds a lot like he’s coming up with the plot as he goes but he swears it’s a legitimate one. Kyungsoo honestly tries to pay attention to it because Yixing’s grammar always gets messed up when he’s drunk and it’s honestly amusing and a bit endearing how hard he tries. That and except for him and Junmyeon no one else is listening to him anyways.

Everyone else in the circle is playing a drinking game - even Yixing, who just takes shots from time to time when he’s told to do so. 

It’s a mess and all of their parents would be disappointed to see how their averagely twenty-five year old sons are spending their Christmas while they’re probably at home spending time with the family and loved ones - how Christmas is supposed to be. 

But right now, in the middle of his friends’ laughter and the warmth from the fire place, the scent of alcohol and cinnamon and stupid Christmas music playing in the background, he feels like spending Christmas like this is pretty good as well. 

Jongin is almost dying from laughing at Sehun when Kyungsoo turns looks at him from across the circle. Sehun looks absolutely red in the face, spit sticking to his chin while Junmyeon pats his back with an annoyed expression. He must’ve choked on his drink. 

When Jongin’s eyes lock on his own the younger starts smiling, his eyes almost _glinting_ and Kyungsoo wants to say he doesn’t smile back but he does. And he feels warm and fuzzy when Jongin tilts his head, blinking at him like an idiot. 

Kyungsoo quietly pats the space next to him. He doesn’t know why Jongin isn’t sitting next to him but he doesn’t like it. 

Jongin puts his drink down and gets up with some difficulties, slightly swaying on his feet as he crosses the room. Kyungsoo reaches his hand out to grip his hand, steadying him when Jongin sits down next to him. His face is incredibly close to Kyungsoo’s and he looks stunning, even up close like this. 

„Are you having a good time?“ Kyungsoo asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Jongin nods. „Are you?“

Kyungsoo nods too. 

„I’m sad we’re leaving tomorrow.“ Jongin adds. 

„Yeah. But it’s not like we won’t see everyone again.“ 

„I know.“ Jongin leans closer and nudges their noses together and Kyungsoo starts to chuckle, reaching his hand out push him away again. „What are you doing tomorrow? Are you going to visit your parents?“

Kyungsoo shakes his head. „They’re not in the country. Me and Seungsoo bought them a trip to Paris over the holidays.“ 

„Oh. That’s nice.“ Jongin smiles but Kyungsoo sees something dull in it. He’s probably nervous thinking about Kyungsoo’s parents after everything that happened.

„What about you?“ He asks, trying to distract Jongin.

„I’m having dinner with mom and my sister. Oh, and my mom’s new husband.“

„She— She’s married again?“ Kyungsoo doesn’t know why it bothers him so much that he didn’t know that. He feels like he should’ve known that.

„Yeah. Half a year ago.“ Jongin nods his head, pursing his lips. „He’s a good man. He takes care of her.“

„That’s good.“ Kyungsoo looks into Jongin’s eyes carefully. „What about… about your dad?“

„He lives in China now. Still with her.“ Jongin’s expression turns grim and Kyungsoo damns himself for even asking. „We talk. Sometimes.“ 

„Really?“ 

„Mhm. I haven’t forgiven him for what he did. I don’t think I ever will. But mom’s really happy now, and I figure he is too. I don’t know. It’s weird.“ 

„I think it’s great you’re still talking to him. Not everyone would be ready to do that.“ 

Jongin looks at him and the shadows on his features disappear, a warm smile taking over instead. „Hyung. Why don’t you come with me tomorrow?“ 

„What?“

„Come have dinner with us. It’s Christmas day.“ Jongin bites at his lip nervously. „You know how much my family adores you. I think they still haven’t completely forgiven me for what I did to you. Obviously. They’d be really happy to see you.“ 

„Jongin… I don’t know. I haven’t seen them in over two years.“ 

„I know. You don’t have to.“ Jongin shrugs. „I just don’t want you to be alone tomorrow. And I— want to spend more time with you. Alone.“ 

It sounds nice. Seeing Jongin’s family again, like back in the days. They always treated him like he was part of their family. They always used to say the only reason they never worried about Jongin’s well being was the knowledge that Kyungsoo was there to take care of him. 

And Kyungsoo _does_ want to spend more time with Jongin without being teased for every smile or glance they share. 

„Can you talk to them first?“ Kyungsoo asks. „I really don’t want to intrude.“ 

„You won’t be intruding.“ Jongin assures, reaching a hand out to brush Kyungsoo’s fringe aside. „But I’ll call mom tomorrow.“ 

„Jongin.“ Kyungsoo shuffles a bit closer, not wanting their friends to hear them. „Do they know?“ 

Jongin immediately understands what Kyungsoo is talking about. He gulps, nodding. „I told my sister as soon as I knew how I felt about you.“ 

Kyungsoo slowly nods. „Your mom?“ 

„She figured it out on her own. Almost as soon as I introduced you to her.“ 

„Really?“  


„She said she noticed how I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.“ Jongin looks up at Kyungsoo and he starts blushing and it’s just too cute to handle. 

„You did look at me a lot.“ 

„I’m not denying that.“ Jongin shrugs and Kyungsoo suddenly has this strange urge to kiss him so he does. No one is paying attention to them anyways. They’re all to immersed in their drinking game, several feet away from them, and Kyungsoo doesn’t even care if they’re watching or not. 

He kisses Jongin, just a small peck on the lips. Jongin tastes like blueberry soju and his lips are warm and pliant and Kyungsoo feels so lucky to be able to do this. 

„What was that for?“ Jongin asks, almost shyly when Kyungsoo pulls back.

„I felt like it.“ He laughs because Jongin looks so small all of a sudden. „Why are you like this?“ 

Jongin just shrugs, his cheeks a bit rosy now. „It’s just surprising that you initiated a kiss.“

„Why is that surprising?“

„I don’t know.“

Kyungsoo understands. It’s only been barely two days but so far it’s been like this; Jongin initiates and Kyungsoo reciprocates.

He’s not sure why. But it _has_ been only a short amount of time, and it’s not like Kyungsoo doesn’t _want_ to be intimate with Jongin. It’s all just still new and strange and he might be trying to take things slow. Or something.

Jongin’s eyes flicker down to Kyungsoo’s lips and he leans in once more, pressing their lips together again. He nips at Kyungsoo’s lips until Kyungsoo’s stomach starts feeling warm. Kyungsoo tilts his head, curls his hand around Jongin’s neck to pull him closer. 

He can hear one of the guys screaming and another one whistling and there might be gagging sounds but he doesn’t care because Jongin’s tongue runs over the crack of his mouth and it makes Kyungsoo’s entire body shudder. 

Before the kiss gets too heated Baekhyun shouts that they have to open up their fortune cookies as if it couldn’t wait for tomorrow. 

Kyungsoo pulls away first and Jongin actually whimpers against his lips and the sound shoots a sudden wave of heat through his lower abdomen, his hand on the younger’s neck tightening once more before he forces himself to let go. 

He isn’t sure why he suddenly feels so restless and impatient but looking into Jongin’s eyes and how glossy his lips look he has to gulp hard and stop himself from reaching out to adjust his pants.

It was just a kiss; why on earth is he reacting like this?  


Baekhyun forces them to read out their fortunes one by one and Kyungsoo tries so hard to focus but he’s too aware of Jongin’s presence next to him. Jongin not keeping still and shifting all the time doesn’t help either.

He really, really wants to be alone with Jongin. 

And he feels bad, because he should be enjoying their last night together with their friends, but Jongin keeps giving him those _looks_ and he keeps blushing and his hand is resting on Kyungsoo’s thigh when they’re listening to the conversations going on around them. 

Jongin’s thumb is rubbing over the inside of his thigh, and it’s a harmless touch, or it might look like one, but it certainly doesn’t feel like one. 

Sehun is snickering at them and when Jongin curls his fingers around his entire thigh, squeezing once before easing his touch, Kyungsoo suddenly snaps. 

He gets up, gripping Jongin’s arm to drag him out of the room. 

Their friends are little shits, because he hears Baekhyun scream like a girl, and someone’s whistling and someone shouts something about protection and Kyungsoo is pretty sure he looks like he’s going to explode any second from how red he is. 

He stops walking at the bottom of the stairs where they’re out of everyone’s sight. 

„What was that?“ Kyungsoo asks, turning to face Jongin, still gripping his arm. 

Jongin licks his lips, shrugging his shoulders. „What was what?“

„Don’t act so innocent now.“

„I don’t know what you’re talking about.“ Jongin blinks at him, tilting his head, almost like he really has no idea what Kyungsoo is implying. But the corners of his lips are twitching and there’s a strange glint in his eyes which gives away that the younger isn’t nearly as oblivious as he pretends to be.

„Jongin.“

„Hyung.“

„Okay.“ Kyungsoo snorts. „Let’s go back to the others then.“ He tries to walk past him but Jongin immediately steps in front of him to prevent him from doing it. 

„Don’t go.“ 

„Why not?“ 

Jongin stares at him for a moment, his teeth digging into his bottom lip before he speaks. „I want to be alone with you.“ 

Kyungsoo’s first instinct is to say no because it’s their last night here and they should spend it with their friends but he knows most of them are too drunk to even notice them leaving and he wants to be alone with Jongin too so he nods his head. 

They somehow manage to leave the kitchen and reach the stairs without any of the guys spotting them and Jongin is still swaying on his feet a little so Kyungsoo has to keep his hands on him to steady him. 

Jongin looks at him over his shoulder while they walk towards Kyungsoo’s room, a stupid grin spreading on his face and Kyungsoo pushes him a little in annoyance to get him to stop. This makes Jongin trip and he nearly face plants into the carpet, pouting the rest of the way after Kyungsoo laughs at his misery. 

The first thing Kyungsoo notices when they step into his room is how absolutely freezing cold it is. He frowns a little, closing the door behind him, and finds that one of the windows are open. 

„Jongin.“ He groans, glaring at the younger who’s pulling a guilty face. Jongin was the last one in the room. „Did you seriously leave the window open?!“

„I’m… sorry.“ Jongin mumbles, helplessly watching how Kyungsoo stomps over to close it. „I forgot.“ 

„There’s snow everywhere.“ Kyungsoo groans, staring at the ground where a small layer of snow is piled up near the window. 

„It’s only water though. It’s fine.“ Jongin tries, chuckling nervously.

Kyungsoo - annoyed by Jongin’s careless attitude - leans down and takes some of the snow into his hands and before Jongin even knows what’s happening, he walks over and pulls at the hem of his shirt, dropping the snow inside. 

Jongin curses and jumps back, swatting at his sweater to get the snow out. 

Kyungsoo is honestly having the time of his life watching the younger flail around like that. 

But then Jongin starts whining and his sweater starts staining from the water at the front and Kyungsoo stops laughing, starting to feel sorry.

„Hyung.“ Jongin whimpers, gripping the front of his sweater and holding it away from his skin as best as he can. „It’s fucking freezing.“

„You deserved it.“

„I didn’t do it on purpose!“ Jongin groans. „My sweater’s all wet now.“ 

Kyungsoo sighs and steps closer. „Come here.“ He mumbles, gripping the hem of Jongin’s sweater to help him get rid of it. 

The moment seems achingly familiar. It reminds him of the time Jongin came back after practice, at one in the morning, soaked to his bones. When Kyungsoo pulls the sweater over his head, Jongin’s hair standing up in every direction, he can read in Jongin’s gaze that the younger remembers as well. 

„I’m having a deja vu.“ Jongin mumbles. 

Kyungsoo smiles, walking over to the heater to drape Jongin’s sweater over it. 

He’s seen Jongin shirtless countless times before. It’s never been easy for him to keep his eyes from drifting to his toned chest, his pretty skin. He was never allowed to let his gaze linger before. 

He turns around to look at Jongin, the younger shivering with a pout on his face. Jongin looks good. 

He always has. He’s always had a naturally lean and defined body, something a lot of men would be jealous of and that also hasn’t changed. But it looks like he’s grown some muscles and Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to react to that.

„If you’re done checking me out can you come back and warm me up?“ Jongin smirks at him, the smile growing even wider when Kyungsoo snaps out of his trance and walks over to him with warm cheeks. 

„I wasn’t checking you out.“  


„Yeah. _Okay._ “

„Don’t flatter yourself. There isn’t much to check out.“ 

Jongin laughs and spreads his arms, pulling Kyungsoo into his embrace as soon as he’s close enough. „That was mean.“

Kyungsoo wraps his own arms around Jongin’s waist, his hands resting on his smooth, warm skin. His mouth is pressed against Jongin’s shoulder, his skin, and it’s all a bit too much. Too warm, too soft. 

„You’re like a furnace.“ His voice is muffled against Jongin’s skin. 

His eyes flutter shut when Jongin’s grip on him tightens, the younger pulling him closer to his body until he can feel Jongin’s chest heaving against his own. It still doesn’t feel close enough. 

Kyungsoo wonders if anything will ever be enough with Jongin. 

Jongin hums, nuzzling into Kyungsoo’s neck. 

They stand like this for a while longer. Long enough for Kyungsoo to start feeling sleepy but then Jongin decides to press a kiss against Kyungsoo’s neck and there’s no way Kyungsoo can think about sleeping after that. 

He smiles when the younger starts trailing soft butterfly kisses on his neck but the smile slowly fades when Jongin’s lips start lingering more with every kiss pressed against Kyungsoo’s skin. There’s nothing sweet about the way Jongin is kissing him now, his lips feeling hot and longing on him and Kyungsoo’s arms tighten around him, his eyes slipping closed when he feels Jongin’s tongue on his skin. 

„Hyung.“ Jongin mumbles, lips brushing over Kyungsoo’s jaw. „You know I heard you this morning.“ 

Kyungsoo gulps when Jongin presses another soft kiss against his neck. „When?“ 

„In the kitchen. With Baekhyun hyung.“ 

„What did you hear?“ 

„What you said.“ Jongin mumbles. „About wanting to… You know.“ 

„Oh.“ 

Jongin chuckles a bit but it sounds fairly nervous, his hands resting on Kyungsoo’s hips gripping him more firmly. „Oh?“

„What do you want me to say?“ Kyungsoo asks. His stomach starts tightening when Jongin’s breath hits the wet spots from his kisses, their bodies pressing up against each other slowly. He closes his eyes, palms hot against Jongin’s back, his fingertips grazing the bumps of Jongin’s spine. 

„I don’t know.“ 

„Is that… why you were touching me like that earlier?“ 

„Like what?“ Jongin’s _still_ acting innocent. 

„You _know._ “ 

„Well.“ Jongin finally pulls back and Kyungsoo hopes he can’t hear the way his breath stutters when he sees how Jongin looks. Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like that. „I’m in love with you. It’s… a bit hard to hold back.“ 

Kyungsoo isn't sure where all this confidence and lack of nerves is coming but he guesses it from the alcohol that is still very prominent in his system. „Who said you have to hold back?“ 

As soon as Kyungsoo said those words, Jongin starts grinning at him, and he’s just so _ridiculous,_ he’s ruining the mood, but Kyungsoo still pulls him down to kiss him because he’s just too in love to care about Jongin being the biggest dork he’s ever met. 

They’re smiling into the kiss at first, but Jongin brings a hand up to cup Kyungsoo’s face, tilting it slightly to deepen the kiss. Kyungsoo stops smiling, his fingers curling into Jongin’s skin when Jongin’s tongue runs over the crack of his mouth. 

Jongin sighs against him, pulling him even closer, and Kyungsoo’s stomach is suddenly drenched in heat when he feels Jongin’s body press up against him everywhere, their breathing turning hasty. Kyungsoo fists a hand into Jongin’s hair, the younger groaning at the feeling as one of his hands slips underneath Kyungsoo’s shirt.

The smack of their lips and their heavy exhales sound too loud in the room but it’s not like Kyungsoo can focus on that when Jongin is so warm against him, his mouth hot and wet and Kyungsoo almost unconsciously tugs at Jongin’s hair which makes him moan into the kiss. The sound alone makes Kyungsoo’s knees grow a bit week, a slow and deep ache starting to form between his legs. 

They pull back for air, lips still brushing while they try to catch their breaths. Jongin presses their foreheads together, brushing his thumb over Kyungsoo’s cheek. 

„I want you. So fucking much.“ 

Something about hearing Jongin curse only makes him grow more desperate. „Do you want to…?“

But Jongin shakes his head, and before Kyungsoo has the time to freak out Jongin smiles at him. „I want us to be alone for our first time.“ 

And as if on cue, they hear one of the guys’ laughter coming from downstairs and Kyungsoo reminds himself that they have to be quiet if they don’t want to spend their last day getting teased mercilessly by their friends.

That and it wouldn’t be very appropriate, even if he knows that none of the guys would care if they did… _that._

„Yeah. You’re right.“ Kyungsoo clears his throat, ready to step back and hopefully calm down even though his pants are already feeling too tight around his zipper. Jongin shakes his head, suddenly pulling Kyungsoo towards the bed. Before Kyungsoo can open his mouth Jongin is kissing him again, never letting go of Kyungsoo as he crawls backwards to lean against the headboard. He pulls Kyungsoo into his lap and Kyungsoo turns his head away to get the younger to stop kissing him.

„You just said—“

„We don’t have to go all the way.“ And they’re kissing again, and Kyungsoo has half a mind to stop all of this while he’s still remotely in control of his body, but then Jongin grips his thighs almost possessively and licks into his mouth like he’s trying to shut Kyungsoo’s mind up. 

Well, he succeeds.

The need inside of Kyungsoo grows rapidly. Having Jongin this close, all around him, his mouth warm and wet and so pliant against his own, it’s making his stomach coil with such an overwhelming desire to have him even closer that Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do with it. 

He hasn’t ever felt like this before; no matter how skilled the person was, how attractive they were, none of them ever managed to make him lose control the way Jongin does just by kissing him.

Kyungsoo is gripping the bars of the head board left and right from Jongin’s head, straddling the younger’s waist and Jongin pulls his knees up, making them shift closer together and all Kyungsoo can do is squeeze his eyes shut and let Jongin kiss him over and over again. 

They break away to get rid of their shirts and Kyungsoo presses their temples together after, trying to catch his breath; he can feel his pulse everywhere in his body, his stomach stirring when Jongin shifts underneath him and their hips slide together. He shudders, feels Jongin’s hand on his thigh and the other running over the skin on his back and he just wants Jongin _so much;_ there aren’t even enough words to describe how his body reacts to every touch from him.

He’s not sure who moves first but their hips press up against each other and Kyungsoo holds his breath when he feels Jongin half hard against him. He rolls his hips down and hides his face against Jongin’s neck to press any sounds that might escape against it.

Jongin brushes his lips over Kyungsoo’s jaw, again trailing soft kisses there and then against his neck and Kyungsoo presses his mouth shut when he feels the younger sucking on his skin, trying to keep in all the sounds that want to escape. 

By the time Jongin starts kissing the throbbing skin to soothe it Kyungsoo’s aching between his legs and he tries to relieve it by pressing down against Jongin again who in return grips Kyungsoo’s waist and pushes up against him. 

The friction feels good, more than good; Kyungsoo moans and Jongin’s breathing stutters when he rolls their hips together. Kyungsoo can feel him grow harder every time their bulges press up against each other and he can’t think clearly anymore; he just wants to relieve the ache of blood in his cock and he wants to do it with Jongin. Only with Jongin.

It should feel weird, doing this with his _best friend_ (or what used to be his best friend) but it doesn’t. It feels right. It feels like this should’ve happened a long, long time ago and now that it finally is happening, there’s not one single coherent thought in Kyungsoo’s mind. Everything’s too frantic and too fast yet none of it is happening fast enough. 

He feels Jongin’s hand curl against his stomach, just below his navel; it’s teasing and Jongin seems unsure what to do with it. 

„Should we stop?“ Jongin pants into his neck. „I don’t—“ He gasps when Kyungsoo grinds down against him, his cock twitching against Kyungsoo’s and Kyungsoo bites his lip hard enough to draw blood. 

„You want to stop?“ Kyungsoo asks, panting heavily.

„Fuck— no.“

„Then let’s not.“ He reaches his hand down to grip Jongin’s wrist, guiding it between his legs where he presses Jongin’s palm against his erection. 

Jongin only hesitates a short moment when Kyungsoo releases his wrist before he starts palming Kyungsoo through the layers of clothing. It’s slow at first but it’s already better than anything else Kyungsoo has ever felt because this is _Jongin_ touching him.  
He shudders when the younger reaches past the waistband of his sweatpants and briefs, his fingers curling around Kyungsoo’s cock to start pumping him and Kyungsoo can’t really do anything but muffle his moans against Jongin’s shoulder, his hips rolling up against Jongin’s palm with every stroke around his swollen erection. 

It’s when he feels Jongin’s own erection press up against him that he moves his hand, not wasting any time when he reaches it inside Jongin’s pants and starts stroking him as well, his hips stuttering against Jongin’s hand when the younger makes a relieved sound. 

They both have their faces buried on the base of each other’s necks, trying to hide the sounds slipping past their lips. Kyungsoo starts panting harder and harder, Jongin’s hand pumping him fast and just so right and it takes an embarrassingly short amount of time for him to feel his stomach tightening. He speeds his hand up around Jongin’s cock and his eyes roll into back of his head when Jongin starts moaning a mixture of his name and muffled _hyungs_ over and over again. 

Kyungsoo comes with his face pressed against Jongin’s neck, his moans definitely too loud and hips stuttering against Jongin’s palm while he rides out what has to be the longest orgasm of his life and he can faintly feel Jongin freeze and tremble against him as his cock twitches in Kyungsoo’s hand, his come sliding down his wrist a moment later. 

What’s left is them panting harshly against each other’s sweaty skin and all Kyungsoo can hear is his heart beating uncontrollably, his thighs trembling from the force of his orgasm and his cock still twitching in Jongin’s hand. 

Jongin moves first; he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and maneuvers him carefully to lie on his back. He hovers over Kyungsoo for a moment, his eyes searching Kyungsoo’s and after a brief second where Kyungsoo feels slightly anxious Jongin starts smiling at him and then they’re both just quietly laughing. 

The younger hides his face in Kyungsoo’s neck for a while until the both of them have calmed their breathing. „I... honestly didn’t think I could find you any more attractive than I already did…“

„What?“ Kyungsoo asks, blinking up at Jongin. He looks so satisfied, his hair a mess and lips swollen and all because of Kyungsoo. 

„You should see your face when you come.“ Jongin starts grinning at him when Kyungsoo gives him an incredulous look. „Or the sounds you make—“

„If you want this to happen again you better shut the hell up right now.“ 

Jongin looks mildly scared then but when Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and runs a hand through Jongin’s hair the younger’s smile turns shy and he leans down to peck Kyungsoo’s lips. „I love you.“

And Kyungsoo should say it back now. It’s not like he hasn’t ever said those words to Jongin before. And it’s not like he didn’t mean them _like that_ before. But there’s something about Jongin _knowing_ what it would mean that really scares him. 

He opens his mouth but Jongin seems to sense the hesitation. He smiles and shakes his head. 

„Hyung, it’s fine.“ He says. „There’s no rush.“ 

Before Kyungsoo can say anything, Jongin pulls him up into a sitting position. 

„Do you want to take a shower?“ 

„Together?“

„We always used to shower together.“ Jongin mumbles but he looks a bit nervous, like Kyungsoo might reject him. 

„Okay.“ Kyungsoo smiles. 

 

The shower lasts way too long but then again, they would probably be wasting more water if they took their turns instead of showering together. Jongin doesn’t even try to keep his hands to himself but his touches are gentle, soft and loving. He peppers Kyungsoo’s skin with kisses, whines like a baby when Kyungsoo gets shampoo in his eyes and turns into a kitten when Kyungsoo massages his scalp. 

At one point they just stand under the hot water, hugging each other while Jongin tells stupid jokes and Kyungsoo almost slips once or twice from laughing so hard. 

And then, when Kyungsoo turns around to grab the body wash, Jongin wraps his arms around his waist and leans down to press his lips against the scar on Kyungsoo’s neck, just like Kyungsoo thought he would when he was showering on his own days before. 

„It still looks the same.“ Jongin mumbles against it, kissing it again. 

„I doubt it’ll fade.“ Kyungsoo shrugs. „I’ve used scarring creams and stuff but it still looks bad.“ 

„It doesn’t.“ Jongin assures him, holding him closer. „Nothing about you is bad hyung. And scars are like unintentional tattoos so they’re kind of cool, yeah?“

„Unintentional tattoos.“ Kyungsoo chuckles. „Only your mind would come up with something stupid like that.“  


„It’s not stupid.“ 

Kyungsoo can _feel_ Jongin’s pout on his neck so he turns around, smiling softly when he sees the younger’s lower lip jutting out adorably. He doesn’t even try to stop himself when he leans up to kiss it away. 

„It’s cute.“ 

„What?“ 

„The way your mind works.“

„Oh.“ Jongin blinks at him, surprised, and then starts beaming again. „You’re being really nice to me today. What’s up with that?“

„How am I being nice?“

„You called me cute during dinner too.“ Jongin tilts his head.

„I don’t remember that.“ 

As soon as Kyungsoo said that Jongin glares at him. He starts tickling Kyungsoo and really, it’s a miracle the both of them make it out of the shower without slipping and breaking anything. 

 

 

_**x** _

 

 

It’s Christmas Day the next day and for them, it starts with cleaning the entire house. Baekhyun assigns everyone a couple of tasks which they need to get done by lunch time because none of them want to be stuck driving the dangerous roads of the mountain when it’s already dark outside. 

The house is huge and cleaning every single room including the bathrooms and the kitchen (which takes the longest) takes longer than Kyungsoo would’ve expected.

But they’re nine people after all and together (and Kyungsoo means _together_ : even Sehun and Chanyeol who didn’t help all that much the past week do their work without too much complaint) they manage to get done with the work quite efficiently. And Baekhyun, as per usual, puts on Christmas songs again from the 90s, forces everyone to sing along. It’s quite fun, actually. 

Also, Jongin keeps sending him those cute smiles whenever they pass each other, like Kyungsoo gave him the greatest gift yesterday night. 

Kyungsoo tries really hard not to flush when he thinks about it but the teasing smirks from their friends’ and Jongin’s admittedly innocent touches throughout the day don’t really help.

Once they’re done and the entire house smells of floor soap and various other cleaning supplies they almost simultaneously collapse in the living room with tired groans.

„What time is it?“ Sehun whines, rubbing his wrists as if cleaning a bathroom was the hardest physical work he’s ever done in his life. 

„Almost one.“ Minseok answers, typing something on his phone with a smile on his face. 

„Who’re you texting?“ Yixing asks with a grin on his face. 

„Minha.“ Minseok answers without hesitation, sounding almost proud. 

„Aww, dude. You’re completely smitten. I hear them wedding bells!“ Chanyeol exclaims. 

Minseok starts blushing as he shakes his head. „Nah, it’s too soon for that.“ 

„Yeah, and it’s Yixing’s turn for now anyways!“ Baekhyun butts in. „When is it going to happen?“

„Uhm. I was thinking about asking her on New Year’s eve? But I’m not sure. You know, if it’s too… predictable.“ 

„Who cares?“ Baekhyun shakes his head. „I think it’s great timing.“

„Yeah hyung, go for it!“ Jongdae agrees. 

„And let us know what she said man! I swear I don’t care if it New Year’s Eve I’ll terrorize you if you don’t immediately write in the group chat!“ 

„Guys.“ Yixing chuckles nervously. „She might say no, you know…“

„None of that!“ Baekhyun frowns at him. „Hyung, you’ve known each other since you were kids and you’ve been with her for years now. She’s be completely insane to say no.“

„She’ll say yes, Yixing.“ Junmyeon pats his shoulder. „There’s no doubt.“

„Well, I hope so. I’ll let you know either way.“ Yixing nods his head.

Kyungsoo smiles at their interaction. Jongin sitting next to him is absently brushing his thumb over Kyungsoo’s wrist. He wanted to hold Kyungsoo’s hand but Kyungsoo doesn’t feel all that comfortable doing all that coupley stuff in front of their friends (at least when he’s sober, because drunk Kyungsoo was all over Jongin yesterday). 

„It’s so strange.“ Baekhyun mumbles, a solemn smile on his face. „We used to be these little shits who didn’t know a single thing about life back in college. Our biggest worry was not having hot water left to shower at the dorms at night. And now, like… Junmyeon hyung’s going to take over his dad’s business. Yixing hyung’s getting engaged. Chanyeol has his own restaurant. Jongdae is a famous heart-throb news reporter.“ They laugh here and Jongdae throws a pillow at Baekhyun’s head who is completely unfazed by it. „Minseok is teaching like he always wanted to. Jongin’s one of the best dancers in Seoul right now. And well, Kyungsoo, Sehun and me are still alive as well so that's an achievement too.“ They laugh again and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but well, Baekhyun’s right. They’re stupid office workers who aren’t happy with their jobs but it’s not the end of the world. They'll start looking for better jobs, ones that suit them better (and where they can do work they  _actually_ studied for instead of cleaning dirty coffee cups in the kitchen).

„But I mean, most of all we’re still us, right? We’re still best friends. Maybe even better than before. Just look at Soo and Jongin.“

All eyes are on them again and this time, when Jongin fumbles to hold his hand, Kyungsoo lets him because he somehow needs the reassuring squeeze Jongin gives his hand after tangling their fingers together. 

„And, I swear I’ll stop after this but I need to get this out; I just want to thank you guys for coming here. I know everyone’s really busy during Christmas with their families and getting presents and whatnot. But you know, to me you guys are like _family,_ and there’s no one else I’d rather spend an entire week in an abandoned house in the mountains with. I really love every single one of you, and I hope that ten or twenty years from now we can still come together like this and talk about old times while we proudly show off to each other about our children and grand children. I know that seems impossible and I know there are very few friendships that last a lifetime, especially with so many of us involved, but it breaks my heart to think about us going our separate ways after going through so much together.“ Baekhyun stops talking and Kyungsoo can see that he’s trying not to cry and he suddenly feels a dull sadness bloom in his chest. 

How likely is it that they’re all going to stay friends forever? It sounds amazing. It sounds easy. But that’s not how life works. Unfortunately. 

The rest of the guys suddenly seem a little upset too and Chanyeol, seeing his best friend close to tears, goes over to sling an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder. 

„Hyung.“ Sehun surprisingly speaks up. „None of us can know what the future brings. Every single one of us would do anything to stay close like this forever but even if we end up going our separate ways at some point, we’ll always have the memories of our time spent together. That’s something that will last forever even if we don’t. We should be glad that we experienced so many amazing moments together and we’ll probably have a lot more to look forward to. So stop being a sad little shit and be thankful that I still stick around with you stupid hyungs—“

„Fucking brat.“ Junmyeon grunts. Everyone gapes at him, because Kim Junmyeon doesn’t curse. _Ever._ Or maybe he does, occasionally. But _very_ rarely. Also, turns out there’s nothing like that going on between him and Sehun (yet). At least nothing serious, because Junmyeon’s dad doesn’t allow him to date until he’s settled into his new job. But Kyungsoo thinks they love each other anyway, even if it’s in a way none of them really understand. „I think we should teach him a little respect.“  


And that’s all they need to shoot up from their seats and start strangling Sehun in yet another group hug. Jongin and Kyungsoo (while the others are laughing and Sehun - at the very bottom - is screaming in pain) make sure to stand at the outside of the circle this time, having had first hand experience with the pain of being at the bottom of a human pile slash group hug.

„Say you love us!“

„Fuck off I can’t breathe!“

„Say you love us you little shit!“  


„I’m _literally_ dying—“

„JUST SAY YOU LOVE US!“

„I LOVE YOU GUYS!“

They let go of Sehun after that, satisfied smirks on their faces while Sehun’s entire face is red. He has tears in his eyes as he glares at all of them. He stares at Baekhyun, gasping for breath. 

„Is this the _amazing_ friendship you were talking about?! I want out!“ 

„Thank you guys. Again. Let’s hope we can repeat this sometime again!“ Baekhyun smiles, ignoring Sehun. 

„Let’s not.“ Sehun grunts. 

„We’ll keep in touch. We managed to do it for two years. It’ll be fine.“ Jongdae shrugs, ignoring Sehun again. 

 

 

 

They try to eat all the leftovers before they leave which isn’t all that hard because there’s nine grown up men who are somehow always hungry for food. 

And then it’s already time to say goodbye. 

After Kyungsoo puts his bags in the back of his car, hearing his friends’ voices from everywhere and them turning on their engines to get the heaters going he stills for a moment, staring into space. 

This week went by so _fast._

Kyungsoo came here, expecting the worst. He came here depressed, tired from his boring job, tired from his grey life, tired from being reminded of his past and tired from being in love with a person for years when everyone kept telling him to stop. 

And now they’re leaving, and Jongin loves him, and Kyungsoo is happy. He’s happy and he feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted from his chest. The future seems… brighter. Like it’s going to get better, slowly. 

Maybe it’s because Jongin is going to be a part of the future now. Jongin is back in his life. He has his best friend back. 

„Earth to hyung?“

Kyungsoo jumps, his heart nearly stopping as he turns around to face Jongin who blinks at him innocently. His nose is red from the cold. Jongin chuckles at the startled expression on Kyungsoo’s face.

„Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. You looked a bit spaced out.“

„I was. I think.“ Kyungsoo mumbles. 

He has _Jongin_ back. 

„Are you okay?“ Jongin tilts his head, reaching a hand out to put it on Kyungsoo’s forehead with concerned eyes like he did in the morning in the kitchen. „Are you feeling ill?“

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He just stupidly blinks up at Jongin, at his pretty mouth, his beautiful eyes, the wrinkles between his eyebrows he has from giving Kyungsoo a worried frown right now. 

He grabs Jongin’s hand and guides him away from the car, walks through the snow towards the side of the house and away from the rest of their friends.

„Hyung, what are you doing?“

Kyungsoo turns around once they’re out of sight and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing or why he’s doing it but his heart’s pounding really fast right now and his stomach is doing stupid somersaults in his stomach when he looks up at Jongin.

He’s so, so handsome and he’s such a dork and he has such a warm heart and he has the most stupid laugh in the world and he hogs the blankets at night and he talks in his sleep and he makes a mess wherever he goes and he’s the most clumsy person Kyungsoo has ever met and he’s a whiney child and he’s nowhere near perfect—

But he _is._

He is absolutely perfect for Kyungsoo. Jongin isn’t just his best friend, he’s his other half, his soulmate, he’s _everything_ and he has been from the moment Taemin introduced them. 

„Kyungsoo hyung. You’re scaring me what—“

Kyungsoo pulls him down by his neck and kisses him. He kisses him until there’s no oxygen left in his lungs and he’s forced to pull away. 

They’re both panting, the kiss having caught them off guard, but Jongin’s hands are on his waist and he looks a lot like Kyungsoo feels right now. 

A bit awed, very fond, and very, very much in love. 

„So I take it you felt like kissing me again?“ Jongin asks, once again nudging their noses together. 

Kyungsoo looks at him. And then he takes a deep breath. „I love you.“

Jongin freezes, his eyes widening. It’s not the first time Jongin hears those words coming from Kyungsoo’s mouth. But it’s the first time he truly understands the meaning behind them. And the look on his face is just heart warming. 

„You do?“ Jongin asks, his voice shaking a bit but his eyes are already full on beaming while his lips still don’t move. 

Kyungsoo smiles at him. „Of course I do. Idiot.“ 

And finally Jongin smiles back. He doesn’t just smile. His eyes almost completely disappear, and they look a bit wet even though Jongin jumps forward to pull Kyungsoo into a hug and leans down to hide his face in Kyungsoo’s shoulder as if Kyungsoo couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. 

„I love you Kyungsoo hyung.“ Jongin mumbles into his neck. „I love you so much. More than anyone in the world. Well, maybe my mom and sister are on the same level, but I love you differently. Obviously. I love you so much my heart hurts whenever I think of you which is almost all the time.“ 

Kyungsoo laughs, his heart swelling even more. „I love you too Jongin. I love you just as much.“ 

Jongin pulls back and he looks at Kyungsoo like he wants to kiss him again but before he can they get interrupted by a whistle. 

„Hey lovebirds. Come on, we’re about to leave.“ Jongdae groans, but he starts grinning when Jongin and Kyungsoo meekly move apart.

 

 

 

Saying goodbye to everyone is kind of hard. It’s not like they’re not going to see each other again but this still is goodbye for quite a while. Kyungsoo hugs all of them, exchanging a few words, well wishes for the new year. He takes his time with Jongdae. 

„Take care Kyungsoo.“ Jongdae says after pulling back. „Don’t be so selfless like last time. I don’t want you to get hurt again.“

„I won’t.“

„I hope so.“ Jongdae sighs. He smiles, looking at Jongin who is currently being smothered in a hug by Baekhyun. „Good luck with everything. I really want the both of you to be happy. With _each other_ that is.“

Kyungsoo smiles a bit nervously, nodding his head. „Thank you, Jongdae.“ 

Baekhyun tears up a bit when Kyungsoo hugs him. 

„Thanks, Baek. For everything.“

„Don’t thank me. I was just being a good friend. An annoying, nosy friend. But a good friend.“ 

„Yeah, you were.“ Kyungsoo laughs. 

„Keep me updated, will you? I hope next time we see each other Jongin’s face will still be your wallpaper.“ 

Kyungsoo flushes a bit. „Jongin did that, not me.“

„Sure he did.“ Baekhyun grins. They hug each other one more time before everyone gets ready to leave.

 

They start to leave, one by one, until it's only Jongin and Kyungsoo and Junmyeon who does a final check-up on the house.

„You drive first.“ Jongin says before they climb into their cars as well. 

„Why?“

„Want to make sure you’re safe.“

Kyungsoo snorts. „Shouldn’t that be the other way around?“

„No.“ Jongin shrugs, smiling. „And mom keeps texting me, asking me if you still like the meals she used to make for you. You do, don't you?“ 

"Of course I do."

Kyungsoo, albeit a bit reluctantly, agreed to have dinner with Jongin’s family. Not because he didn’t want to but because it felt a bit to soon. But then he remembered that they’re not really an ordinary couple and he had to talk with Jongin’s mom on the phone and she threatened to never talk to Kyungsoo again if he didn’t come over for dinner and spent the night at their house. 

"She's way too excited to see you." Jongin snorts, putting his phone away.

Kyungsoo chuckles a bit. „I’m excited to see her too.“

„Good.“ Jongin smiles. 

„We should get going.“ Kyungsoo says when Jongin keeps smiling at him.

„Yeah.“

„Well… Get in your car.“ Kyungsoo irritatedly points at Jongin’s car because the younger doesn’t move. Jongin grins and quickly leans in to peck him on the lips. Before Kyungsoo even has the chance to react Jongin has already pulled back and made his way to his car.

Kyungsoo grumbles to himself and turns around just in time to hide the stupid smile on his face. 

He gets in his car and makes everything ready for the four hour drive they have ahead of themselves. It seems so long but knowing Jongin, the younger will want to make stops as they go to take stupid pictures of stupid things. Kyungsoo doesn't even care. He's too happy to feel annoyed about anything right now. 

After he  turns the engine on he adjusts the rearview mirror until he can see Jongin sitting in his car behind him, hands on the steering wheel, waiting for Kyungsoo to drive.

Jongin grins and makes a heart with his thumb and index finger for Kyungsoo and the latter shakes his head at him which only makes Jongin grin wider. 

Kyungsoo smiles to himself and drives off.

 

 

 

 

_**\- x** _

 

 

 

_"Hey Soo."_

_"Hm?"_

_"Let's never lie to each other, okay?" Jongin says, his voice getting lost in the warm night around them. "Even if it's a white lie."_

_"Where's this coming from?"_

_"I don't know. I'm just done with people lying to me."_

_Kyungsoo fiddles with the beer can in his hands. He looks up and the lake almost looks like it's frozen, no movement in the water whatsoever._

_Behind them he can hear the wood in the bonfire cracking and one of their friends is snoring way too loud. It's probably Chanyeol._

_Jongin must be talking about his dad. His mom and sister who kept all of it from him for months._

_"I never lied to you." Kyungsoo answers._

_And he's lying right now. One of his biggest lies. Because he's lying to Jongin, all the time. Every time he says 'I love you too' because that's not how he means it. Or every time he says he isn't interested in anyone because they're not his type. Every time he smiles and says he's happy for Jongin when the younger has a date._

_Jongin gives him a long look. "Me neither."_

_"Then we're good, right?"_

_"I know, but let's just promise it. We've never broken our promises to each other."_

_Kyungsoo snorts. "Why do you always get so deep when you're drunk?"_

_"I'm not drunk!"_

_But there are about six five empty beer cans forming a circle around Jongin and his friend's eyes have turned glassy, his cheeks rosy, and yeah, Jongin is at least a little bit drunk._

_"Okay." Kyungsoo sighs, turning to face him properly. "I promise I'll never lie to you."_

_Jongin reaches his hand out to link their pinkies. "I won't lie to you either." They make their thumbs kiss to seal the promise and Kyungsoo feels like the worst friend in the world for_ already _lying to Jongin._

_Kyungsoo wants to pull back but Jongin tugs on his wrist, pulling Kyungsoo to the ground next to him._

_He sighs and stares up at the clear night sky, watching the stars twinkle there, the only witnesses of the promise made between the two friends._

_Their hair is still wet from swimming in the lake earlier and despite it being warm outside Kyungsoo shivers against the warm summer breeze._

_Jongin pulls on Kyungsoo's arm until their sides are pressed up together and the feeling of Jongin's warm skin against his own chases the goosebumps away._

_"I'm tired." Kyungsoo mumbles. "We haven't even set up our tent."_

_"We can sleep outside. It's warm enough."_

_"And get eaten by a bear? No thanks."_

_"Hyung." Jongin lets out an amused chuckle. "We're in the city. There are no bears."_

_"If you say so."_

_Jongin is quiet after that and when Kyungsoo turns ro give him a curious look he finds that his best friend is already looking at him._

_"What?"_

_"I'm confused."_

_"About what?"_

_"You."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"Why do I think about you so much?"_

_Kyungsoo's heart jumps at Jongin's words. "I think you meant to say Sohye's name."_

_Jongin and Sohye have been on a few dates already which is surprising because usually Jongin stops seeing girls after their first date._

_This means Jongin might actually get a girlfriend._

_Kyungsoo doesn't know what that'll mean for their friendship._

_And he doesn’t know what that’ll mean for himself. His heart._

_"No. I meant you." Jongin answers, his eyes strangely intense on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo stares at him without knowing what to say._

_"I don't really know what you're saying." Kyungsoo laughs a second too late, just to hide how weird Jongin's words make him feel._

_Jongin stares at him for a moment longer before he sighs and turns to face the stars again. "Me neither."_

_Kyungsoo's heart suddenly feels heavy. He looks at the sky, a thousand questions floating around in his mind._

_Why couldn't he fall in love with someone else?_

_Why Jongin out of all people?_

_Why his best friend?_

_Why can't he get over him?_

_"I'm drunk." Jongin mumbles contrary to his previous words._

_"I can see that."_

_"Can I tell you something?"_

_"Mhm."_

_Jongin hesitates, the only sound around them the cracking fire behind them and crickets chirping everywhere._

_"I think I love you.“_

_Kyungsoo holds his breath and his chest shakes when he exhales again. "Thanks. I love you too."_

_Jongin snorts, like he's either amused or offended and when Kyungsoo looks at him he can see how pained Jongin's face looks._

_"What's wrong?“ Kyungsoo asks, his chest feeling a little too heavy._

_"Nothing."_

_Kyungsoo leans up on his elbows, reaching out to touch Jongin's cheek because he swears he can see a wet trail there._

_But Jongin swats his hand away. „Please don't."_

_His voice cracks and Kyungsoo tries not to be too hurt by it. Jongin sometimes gets like this; not wanting Kyungsoo to touch him and Kyungsoo is somewhat glad. It's like a wake up call. Telling him to keep his distance. That he can't get too lost in an illusion._

_"Are you going to tell me why you're crying?“ Kyungsoo carefully asks._

_"I'll let you know when I find out."_

_"Can you be serious for a second?" Kyungsoo sighs. "Should I be worried?"_

_"Probably not." Jongin takes a deep breath. "Don't be worried. I'm fine."_

_Then why does Kyungsoo feel like he committed a crime?_

_Jongin turns to look at him again and he shifts closer until their foreheads are almost touching._

_Kyungsoo is at a loss for words. He can only look into Jongin's eyes._

_"Jongin..."_

_But Jongin shakes his head, tired and almost dejected, and he closes his eyes, his hand searching for Kyungsoo's and once he finds it, he intertwines their fingers._

_Kyungsoo sighs and looks at the sky again, still waiting for answer. He closes his eyes and squeezes Jongin's hand and his friend moves until his face is pressed against the column of Kyungsoo's throat._

_And Kyungsoo for once ignores the screaming of his heart, because this hurts, him letting Jongin play his heart strings like a guitar._

_Jongin mumbles something into his neck but it gets lost in the air and Kyungsoo forgets to ask what it was the next day._

 

 

_**x -** _

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter. 

He got his answer two years later.

 

 

 

 

\- _**x**_ -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i actually finished this before the year ends! (just barely, on the very last day. great job zerrin) but yay.. let’s celebrate that this angsty mess is finally done :’)) (please excuse the rushed ending and all the typos) 
> 
> thank you all for reading and for being patient & i’m sorry for being such a slow writer. it couldn’t have been easy to read this story, so i’m really proud of everyone who stuck around until the end! 
> 
> i hope you all had a great christmas (if you celebrate) and i wish you all a happy new year! let’s hope 2017 will be filled with less hate and more love!
> 
> take care and goodbye ♡ ~~zerrin


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